LMI turned three months old this week. Everyday she is becoming more and more like her own unique person and less newborny. My favourite is when she stretches after a long nap or sleep - it is just so cute. She is now rolling over from her front to back, sitting in her Bum.bo chair, and cooing and swatting her toys. She is also awake for longer stretches in the afternoon/evening which is great for A as he gets some quality play time when he gets home from work. LMI is growing well and is gaining weight appripriately. She is now 9lbs5oz and 21" long - she is definitely on target to double her birth weight by five months. The ultrasound for her hip will be on Monday, but today the dr couldn't detect a click so I'm hopefully she will be fine. Her smiles are infectious and they brighten up my day. I love her more than I could have imagined.
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I had an appointment with SJ last week. I explained to her that I am feeling out of place and unsure of where I fit in. Since LMI's conception and especially birth I have been treated differently. My IRL friends are now including me in all their "mommy" related buisness, I've been invited to more kids' birthday parties than I care to count and people talk to me about their plans for trying for another baby. Its weird. I dont feel a connection to these people - my friends. I'm still accepting all that I have been through and continue to go through. I still have resentment and anger. I love LMI more than anything, but the years leading up to meeting her were beyond horrible in more ways than one. I feel broken.
I also feel weird in this place. I once knew how Infit in, but now I'm not so sure. Yes I am IF but it feels almost wrong to say that. My sponatenous, out of the blue pregnancy changed my persepctive. Do I think it was 100% natural conception? No fucking way. The leftover hormones amd the biopsy played a part I am sure. I don't like telling my story becausenIndont want to give an IFer false hope. I know how extremely lucky and unique this was. It is not the norm and I dont pretend like it is. I also dont want non IFers to get the wrong impression - the just relax thoughts are so sickening. I almost wish IVF had worked It would be easier in many ways to explain a pregnancy.
SJ made me realize that most of my adult married life I had been working towards a goal - becomming a mother, that I didt have time to develop myself as an adult. I have the opportunity now to reshape my life. To focus on other things and do things for myself. I dont even know where to start. This is something that will take time and soul searching.
I know that I have lost readers since LMI. Maybe because I am becomming one of those mom bloggers who doesnt find the time to blog, or maybe I'm so boring now or maybe my story is too painful for you. Either way, I understand. To those that have continued to support me - THANK YOU. Your friendship means so much to me.
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To all my cross border friends, I wish you a very happy Thanksgiving.
-R.
Glad LMI is such a blast. :)
ReplyDeleteYour feelings post-birth seem very reasonable to me. I can imagine feeling very similarly in your shoes.
I am so glad to hear how well things are going and hope the hip thing is in fact nothing!
ReplyDeleteI think your feelings at this stage are perfectly normal. There just aren't a lot of folks who have traveled your path! Hang in there!
Can't wait to carve out that new path alongside you!
ReplyDeletehere with you as you make this new transition. I sometimes do not comment so often but I promise I am reading along (sometimes it is just hard to know what to say)
ReplyDeleteAs someone still on the other side, I look forward to reading your posts. I am so very hopeful that I will make the transition over, and have so many fears about what I will feel like once I do. Seeing you take the "path" before me has been reassuring in so many ways. While I want NOTHING more than to become a mother, it is all I have worked for over the past decade. I really am scared about what I will do once I get there. Thank you for continuing to share your story. And I hope to one day soon be able to follow in your footsteps. :)
ReplyDeleteI am past all the IF stuff by about 5 years. It is part of the past and something I think about only occasionally.
ReplyDeleteUnlike you, I would never have gotten pregnant the "normal" way by accident but once they found a solution for us, I had two pregnancies in 15 months.
Like you, I am reluctant to tell others because I don't want to give them false hope ... I know I hit the jackpot ... we had one IVF procedure that resulted in enough viable eggs for us to have 3 kiddos ... not to mention the fact that I got pregnant on a first try ... twice.
But that was after 10 years ... when I tell my story this little fact seems to get missed. People only hear that I got pregnant on my first IVF try ...
As far as fitting in ?? That will be sorted out soon. I joined some mom/baby play groups because everyone I knew had friends that they met in those groups from years past ...
Now, I'm just one of all the other moms who have 3 kids in elementary school ... running around like a crazy person trying to keep my head above the rising water .... the only thing that (kind of) separates me know is that I'm the only mom in our school who has 2 kids in kindergarten and one in 1st grade and is about to turn 50 ...
Hang in there ... I promise you will find nice comfortable spot soon ...
Good luck with the ultrasound! I'm hopeful that nothing will be found too... perhaps even if there was some dysplasia, she outgrew it by herself? Or if they do find anything, it might be very mild and will take relatively brief treatment.
ReplyDeleteI understand where you're coming from with not wanting to tell your story. It perpetuates a myth of its own, that there's nothing really wrong with many infertile people.
One of the Scandinavian countries did a long term study (over a decade) on women following unsuccessful IVFs, and discovered that of those who did get pregnant, half of them conceived within six months of their last IVF, which is a pretty strong indicator that leftover hormones do contribute. And, of course, those women were the lucky minority.
I've become more used to the parenthood conversations, although I tend to find excuses to mention the IVF in those situations (since this is an option for me!), just to make it clear that I'm not coming from a straightforward background. It feels more honest that way.
Still, don't spend too much time in 'survivor's guilt'. Appreciate your good luck and your lovely daughter!
Sarah nailed it with survivor guilt, didn't she? I can only imagine how it must feel. What a strange in between place that I know you are grateful to occupy.
ReplyDeleteBest wishes on the u/s. I am sure it is worry some despite how fabulous she is doing. There is nothing funnier than a happy face in a bumbo chair, is there? They think they are sitting on top of the world.
So happy for you.
I've never suffered from infertility, but I'm still not entirely OK with pregnant women, even after a successful pregnancy. And yet everyone assumes I'm fine, because why wouldn't I be? So I kind of get it, at least a little.
ReplyDeleteJ is five months now and can only roll back to front, not front to back :)
Glad LMI is doing so well!
You are in a strange and unique place in terms of your "survivor" status from infertility. But like you say, it doesn't take it all away, does it. It must be tough to navigate all of this in mommy groups, as the path to having your daughter involved SO MUCH pain and failure and fear and despair. I hope that you can continue to connect with other moms in the most genuine way possible and that you are well received in the truth of your story.
ReplyDeleteVery happy to hear that LMI is growing well. I'm hoping for the best in terms of her hip.
It is a strange place to be, that mom-but-still-IF place. I hear ya. But I'm still here reading, and I hope you continue to post about LMI (she's growing like a weed!) and your life. I'll be here reading and supporting you.
ReplyDelete