Sunday, February 27, 2011

12 Weeks

Today marks twelve weeks of pregnancy. I know you know by now, I never in a million years thought that I would get here...let alone the way I did. I have dreamed about what 12W would feel like for what seems like forever, but it isn't exactly measuring up the way I had it built in my head. In my mind, reaching 12W, meant you were safe. I feel anything but. Yes, I am pretty sure that IT is still in there with a beating heart, but that is it. I have no idea if IT is healthy, developing normally or reaching any other milestones. Hopefully after Thursday's ultrasound I will have some reassurance, but as of now, I still feel as cautious as ever.

I know that it is not healthy to be this scared, but how can I not? I am doing much better than before. My relaxation strategies are working and my anxiety/panic attacks are fewer and farther between - at least that is something. BUT, I am scared. Scared that IT will have problems or that I will have issues carrying IT to full term are real and are not going away so quickly.

I probably sound like a broken record already and I'm sorry for that. In all honesty, in my day-to-day life, I don't allow myself to give IT much thought. Even though I am so deeply attached right now, somehow I think that if I pretend this doesn't exist, it won't hurt so bad if things go badly. It's my way of coping or dealing.

BUT, 12W is a big deal. It's a milestone and I am so thankful to be here. Today I did some celebrating. I spent the morning with my two BFFs having breakfast and massages. It was nice. I had told them a few weeks about "my secret" as our other musketeer who lives in CA was in and I wanted to tell them in person. I felt like I owed them that. I admit, it was a relief to have something out in the open, but I still made it clear that I did not want to talk about it.

One BFF came out today to announce her second pregnancy. Although it was easier to take, it was still really difficult. This is the same friend that made up an IF problem when pg with her first as she didn't know how to tell me. That ruined our friendship and changed it forever. Hearing her news today was extremely difficult. Not only is she pg, but due exactly one day ahead of me at the same hospital. Seriously?

I know it should be a big deal but couldn't I have been first just once? Out of the four of us, there have been a total of 10 pregnancies and I was dead last. In addition to this, now that she knows how close we are, she will always want to talk about it and I don't. The last few weeks with them knowing, but not discussing were perfect. I fear that will all change now.

In the end, I put on my brave face. Gave her a huge hug and wished her good luck. What else is there to do?


Wednesday, February 23, 2011


OBs office called today to cancel tomorrow's NT scan. Apparently the dr will be out of the office or something. UGH. We are rescheduled for next Thursday. UGH UGH UGH.


Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Fears Creeping In

I don't know when it happened, but this has become a bit of a pregnancy blog. I am not sure how i feel about that fact. I started writing just over a year ago and it was a daily event, it was my place to vent and scream and swear and cry and hope (a little). It saw me through the worst year of my life and you all were there supporting me, holding my hand and crying with me when my latest disaster struck. it was hell, but it was comfort as I knew that I could handle the shit fest that was my life.

I am now in unchartered territory. I'm in this place that I had dreamed about for five years. I thought about how it would feel to be here, but it is nothing like I imagined it. Maybe it's because of the way I got to this place, the unexpectness and miraculousness about it, or maybe because I am now so aware of how quickly things can go in the wrong direction, but whatever the reason, it is a place like no other.

I do not think about this pregnancy often. I don't allow myself positive (or negative) thoughts. I don't analyze every twinge or side effect (which have now started to disappear!). I don't stare at my five weeks of ultrasound photos. It is almost like this pregnancy doesn't exist. But it does. I don't allow myself to do those things because I am scared. I am desperately trying to protect myself. After the hell that I have been through, I don't know if I am strong enough to survive another loss. It's my coping mechanism - it's my way of surviving.

Today I am 11w2d and I feel no more secure today, than I did back on January 1st when my beta came in at 28. Ok, I am not as worried about a miscarriage, but I am still worried. My NT scan is scheduled for Thursday (11w4d) and I am terrified that we will learn of a problem. It is just a feeling, but it is similar to the feeling I had before TTC about having difficulty. I was right back then, but I do not want to be right now.

It is hard for me to believe that IT could be normal, healthy, surviving. My entire infertility journey has been filled with, "your eggs are crap", "your embryos are not good quality and did not make it to blast", "you need an egg donor", "your uterine lining is too thin to support a pregnancy", and "you need a surrogate". How can I not think the worst? Wouldn't you?

I think I am kidding myself when I say, that I don't think about this pregnancy. I do think about it...all the time. I think about how it may end. How, if it is going to end, then why did it need to start in the first place. I was surviving. I was getting happy about starting the next chapter with the GC. This was completely unplanned and unexpected. Of course, it was and is my biggest dream come true to find myself pregnant, but not if it doesn't go the full distance.

I am doing what I can to get my anxiety under control, but I fear it is still high and causing my heart to beat crazy fast (like 100b/min - resting). In all honesty, the fears creep in once or twice a day, bur the majority of the time is spent in denial. Now that I am approaching the end of the first trimester, many of my symptoms are fading and it helps to live without the constant reminder of what is going on inside of me.

It will be a difficult few weeks waiting to get the NT results, but I am hoping that once that hurdle is passed, I can start to exhale a little.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

First EVER OB Appointment

This was a good week for me emotionally. I think the acupuncture and hypnosis are really helping. No, they haven't lowered my blood pressure or heartbeat, but I feel a tiny bit calmer. When I go for an ultrasound, I am pretty confident that IT will still be there. Thankfully, all continues to go well.

Yesterday, I had an appointment with the RE. I needed a scan to ensure that everything was good and growing before taking the enormous and terrifying leap of going to the OB. I didn't sleep well last night. There were so many thoughts floating in my head that at 4am, I decided to head to the coach and watch PVR TV until it was time to go. I needed something brainless to do - to keep busy. A. and I drove together, but didn't talk much about the upcoming appointment. I was freaked about, but not sure about what or why. Just anxious. When we got to the hospital there was a mix-up with our appointment time and we had to wait longer than expected. Not good to leave an already overly anxious woman to wait, but I managed to get through it.

The waiting area was bizarre. I felt totally out of place. I was surrounded by enormous pregnant bellies and I just wanted out of there. I didn't (and still don't) feel like one of them. I felt like a wannabee or impostor. I made A. sit in the corner with me far away from the other patients. He thought I was crazy, but I didn't care. We got called in for the ultrasound first. It was so nice to have A. with me for the entire scan. It was also so nice to avoid the transvaginal scan. I did find it oddly strange to have a male ultrasonographer. In all my years of TTC, the only male staff I have encountered have been drs. The one thing I realized that is different from a female to a male scanner was the attention to detail. The females make sure you are are covered and that the cold goo won't get on your clothes. The male, squeeze the shit all over the place and soaked me for the remainder of the day.

The ultrasound went well. He took his time to explain what we were seeing and we even had a chance to watch IT move around. So cool. The ultrasound dated us a day ahead of where we thought so we are officially 10w4d. Weird.

We had some wait time between the scan and the doctor so we met my mom for lunch in the hospital cafeteria (same hospital as her job). It was a good distraction and we were able to check out the different food options for future knowledge. Holy they have some awesome choices - brown rice sushi, pizza, grill, sandwiches and terriyaki. Not the highlight of the day, but up there. LOL.

We then met with the nurse practitioner (NP) and she took my very long and sorted history. At this point the emotion and realization of where I was and why was too much. I broke down in the office. I have never been to an OB before. To be honest, I never thought I would be there for myself. It was an awkward, terrifying and overwhelming experience. She was great and took her time explaining to me and calming me down.

Then the dr came in. He is so cute. He is the type of dr that will be late to see you because he is spending time with his patients. He encouraged me to come to every appointment with a list of questions and that he would answer every single one of them. WOW. He seemed to have good bedside manner and was even quite funny. He is an MFM and also extremely cautious. He was a bit concerned about my reflux issues and white coat syndrome high blood pressure so he is recommending I see an additional dr in the practice to get a consult. Other than that, he said things look good.

He said that after 9 weeks and seeing a heartbeat the miscarriage rate goes down to 1.5% so that was really reassuring. However, I have now moved on to a new anxiety. Will IT be normal? My reasons for this fear are simple. I have never made blasts before. I have never had good embryos. I have never had good eggs. This scares the shit out of me. Hopefully our NT scan and blood work will prove my fear unfounded.

The one surprising thing happened when I mentioned my headaches. I am prone to migraines and headaches and over the past week, they have been out of control. I really wanted a prescription for codeine as Tyle.nol does nothing. Instead I got dr.'s orders to drink one Star.bucks coffee a day. Seriously? I almost fell off my chair. I haven't had coffee in two years. I had my first one tonight and oh how I have missed it.

After the dr visit, the NP gave me a pap (ouch) and took my blood pressure (142/84). Luckily I warned her in advance that it would be high so she wasn't concerned. I will keep track of this issue very closely as I am petrified of high blood pressure related complications.

Overall it was a good appointment, not that I have anything to compare it to. Clinic was nice, NP was great and the dr was caring and smart. What else do you need?

Next step...NT on Thursday! I still don't believe this is actually happening.


Thursday, February 10, 2011


Today went well. Everything is measuring where it should be so a big sigh relief. This last week has been pure torture. Torture. We are so not out of the woods, but hopefully now we are one step closer. Thanks for all your thoughts and prayers, I definitely felt them today.


Wednesday, February 9, 2011


I should be in labour right now. Or already a mom. My first real BFP last May should have worked. I miss that feeling of optimism and hopefulness. I don't have that now. Now I am terrified and anxious. Anxious that in another six months I will be right back to this place of missing my babies.

The miscarriage was Seriously. I think about how far along I would have been and how cute my belly would have looked and how scared/excited A. and I would be to meet the baby, but that was ripped from us. It was a good embryo. A donor egg and A.'s super sperm, why would that not work? Yes, I have a shit uterus, but seriously? That should of worked.

A non-medicated pregnancy should not have worked. This is all so fucked up. I have never made a good embryo in my life and now, now it may be. I am terrified that a more intensive ultrasound will find that serious birth defects or problems. And I am terrified of returning back to the hell that was last summer. I miss that baby. I miss that pregnancy.

Tomorrow is my next ultrasound and I am petrified. I am scared from losing the GC, from the harsh reality that things that look good on paper don't work out.

Today is a sad day. I miss my baby.


Friday, February 4, 2011

Decision Made

The last few days have been stressful to say the least when it comes to the GC. We were having miscommunication problems and although I take some responsibility, I actually do not know when it started or what triggered it. I was getting snippy text messages and emails and was feeling rather overwhelmed by it all. I was feeling taken advantage of. But today was the straw that broke this camels back.

The GC went ahead and ordered her medications through her pharmacy even though I had said that I can get them at cost (the perks of having a drug dealer mom) and would FEDEX them to her. Ugh. Now I am out even more money as I had to pay to retail. It seemed a bit weird to me how quickly she organized the medications and picked them up as if she was double dipping (getting reimbursed from me and also submitting an insurance claim). In Canada, most of the FET prep medications are covered as they are double duty meds, also used for menopause so it is entirely possible that they were covered for her.

Ok, I was pissed off, but decided to let it slide because really, there was nothing else I could do. We were then making arrangements to go to Denver and she wanted me to pay for her husband to come along so they could have a mini-vacation. Um no f'ing way. It was my understanding that if I am going and am the one taking care of her, that there is no reason for me to have to pay for her husband. AL and I discussed this and she said that was in no way fair of her to ask of me. For the record, I have no problem with the husband coming too, I just don't want to pay for it.

Literally thirty minutes after she learned that I would not pay for her husband to go, I get a text message saying that the pharmacy misquoted her and that she owes more money and they didn't fill the prescription correctly. Let me get this straight - they gave you less pills and asked for more money? I find that highly coincidental.

I have gone over and above to try and be a good intended parent. I bought her a Christmas present, invited her and her husband to stay at my house before going to Denver for the ODWU, but enough is enough. This was rubbing me the wrong way.

I was stressed and I know that's not good for me and I want to feel like that. This is supposed to be a good time, a happy time and it wasn't. It was awful actually. I needed to separate my fears about my pregnancy from her. Rationally I realize that cancelling her will not cause a miscarriage, but in my heart it is all I am thinking about.

I will say that A. is 100% supportive of this decision and so am I. For the first time in a long time, I am feeling like a weight has been lifted off my shoulder. I can breathe again. AL was amazing. She totally understood and supported me through this decision.

In the end it came down to my gut, and it was telling me to let go. I don't regret this.


Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Snow Day & Anxious

School was closed today because of an impending storm. Yes we got snow, but I would not classify it as snow day worthy, but I am so not complaining. In light of the day off today, I bumped my weekly ultrasound up a day. I went alone as A. had to work and for the most part I was ok. As soon as I entered the building, I immediately felt my pulse rushing and started to get a nervous stomach (nothing one can do about that as you need a full bladder). I think the sonographer saw my anxiety and immediately tried to calm me down by showing me quickly and then returning to her measurements.

Phew, its still in there. Big breath of relief. It is growing. It is now 1.65cm and has grown arm and leg buds. Holy shit, there are arms and legs too cool!. I got dressed and met with the RE. She said that everything is on track and will see me next week. I must say that I am in a different state of mind now. I feel like positive thoughts may be creeping in (but not too many). I am desperately trying not to attach an outcome to this, but it is impossible. How can I not. There is a heart. It beats at 175 beats/minute and it is growing, every week. Every week I get more attached. Today is 8w2d.

The RE told me that acupuncture can help with the anxiety. I don't know. She told me it is safe, but then realized that if I went and something happened, I would blame the acupuncture so she said don't do it. I feel like I can't go on like this though. I feel as if I have run a marathon everyday and I am not straining my body at all. They say not to get your heart rate up, but mine is constantly through the roof. I emailed my acupuncturist, the same one I saw before and asked her opinion. I'm waiting to hear back. What do you think?