Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Silver Lining

"you have to be gestational to have gestational diabetes" -my mom

Today was a bad day. It was actually one of the worst days I've had in a long time - for sure since learning about I was pregnant. None the less IT SUCKED. I am definitely loosing it, my hormonal lows are beginning to take over and I find myself spending a lot of time crying. (Don't worry, I fully intend to discuss this with SJ tomorrow.).

I attended my first GD class today. There were three of us, I was the youngest and also the only 'intolerant' one. The first thing the nurse said was that no matter what younwere told, you are ALL here because younhave GD and we treat all of you the same. Fuck fuck fuck. The talked about the impact of carbs on the diet and why it is important to maintain appropriate glucose levels and yadda yadda yadda. As the nurse continued to talk, I became overwhelmed. So much so that at two different occasions she stopped talked, directed everyone's attention towards me and asked ifi was ok. I managed to reply yes both times, however in reality I just thinking about was supposed to be done with all this shit - at least for now. My body had failed me yet again (I don't meet any of the criteria to make someone likely to develop GD) and the emotions that came with that realization are to powerful to explain. I am suffocating in self hatred and loathing right now.

When it came time to learning to use my new link, On.e Tou.ch insulin reader, I started to panic. Ok, it's not exactly a needle, but in my FIVE years of IF treatment I have given myself exactly ZERO injections. Until today. I am to test (prick, jab, inject, make bleed, etc) my finger four times a day and record the levels. I am alsos to follow a super strict diet and record everything I am eating. These will be reviewed at my meetings with the dr every two weeks. I feel like I am setting myself up for failure. Like I'm being judged.

I can do this. Of course, sacrifice is my middle name, but pregnancy eating and cravings (not that I have those too often or indulge that often) is the ONLY NORMAL pregnancy thing I did and now even that has been taken away. It just sucks.

A. If you are reading this, I know what I want as a pushing present (a concept that would normally be omitted in our household) a piece of that chocolate cake from The Chee.secake Fact.ory. Not joking.

I know that I am more than blessed to be experiencing a pregnancy and with my genetics to boot, but I seriously can't take anymore stress. Something's gotta give. Today is 29w3d, at this point I hope it make to 36.

At least my mom is right, you have to be gestational to have gestational diabetes. As long as I remember that, I will be ok.


Monday, June 27, 2011

The V.iew on Surragcy

This past Friday, the theme for The V.iew was all about surrogacy. I immediately needed to watch to see how they would present the issue as in the past I have not been too pleased with their infertility coverage. Gui.liana Ra.ncic co-hosted and in my opinion did a really good job of putting a public personal face to what real women go through with infertilty. Whoo.pi Gol.dberg began the show by telling the audience that "surrogacy is the new trend in trying to start a baby". To me, the word trend is offensive. People that use surrogacy tonhelp build their families do so because they cannot do it Nother way. It is not the cool thing to do or the in thing, so the word trend was an inappropriate choice.

What I loved about Guil.iana was her openess. Not five minutes into the show she was asked point blanks, if she has considered adoption or surrogacy. Her response was great. She spoke about how it is natural for most people to want a biological baby and that until the Drs tell her thereis a medical reason that it won't work, they will keep trying. She also alluded to the fact that both adoption and surrogacy are not easy answers and are no guarentee. I thought she handled herself well.

Next was She.rri She.pard who when it comes to infertility rubs me the wrong way. For someone who conceived a son through IVF, she sure needs a refresher course on correct terminology. Apparently she is now debating having a second child and has looked into surrogacy, her response was that it is crazy expensive. Ok, it is, but it seems a bit insincere coming from a million dollar tv host.

Eliz.abeth Hass.elback was good. She went right to the hard question for Guil.iana of how infertility has affected her marriage. This brought light to the fact that IF sucks and is hard on a marriage and the people involved.

There were three different stories of surrogacy shared on the show. One from an AMA mother who used a surrogate, one from a family where the mother carried her daughter's triplets and one from the 'Twiblings' article from earlier this year. All three stories brought different perspectives. When I read the article, "Meet the Twiblings" I was immediately impressed and fascinated by the idea and the family that was created. I got a different vibe after seeing them. I must say that I have nothing but huge admiration and respect for the mother. Her vision of using donors and a GC to help create her family was thought out, carried forth with her vision and seems to work for them - it is POLAR OPPOSITE to my views. When A. and I first discussed using a donor, we immediately decided that we wanted an anonymous donor. True, we were not given any viable and heart felt offers, but either way we knew for us, we needed it to be this way. The egg is one part of the equation. It's a big part - the genetics part and it took me a long time to grieve that loss, but once I finally did I knew this was what was right for us. We felt similar about approaching a GC. I wanted to be a part of every detail of her pregnancy, but once MY child was born, it's a see you later kind of situation. Again, you know that I struggled with feelings relating to needing both an egg donor and GC at 31,but you also know that once I was on the path, I didn't look back.

The "Twiblings" are different. They have made their donor and GCs a part of the family. What an incrediblle gift for their children! The carriers are the aunts and the donor is loving referred to as the Fairy God Donor. Love this. I wish I was confident and secure enough to allow this wonderful people I to my life after, but I am not. I don't want the reminder. I want to put that part behind me.

No matter how you would raise your family and the different choices we make, it was a really good representation of the different situations that surrogacy can take. I recommend anyone that is thinking about, using or have used third party assistance to watch the show.

*I know I haven't talked about it much or at all lately, but our plan remains the same as before. The DE embryos waiting for us are our children and we will be using them with me or a GC when the time is right.


Thursday, June 23, 2011

This and That

Teaching students is officially over for the year and for me, for the next 14 months! Holy crap. Tomorrow is my last official day at school, but I may need to finish up a few things so may still be 'working' here and there. I also told my replacement that I am available to trouble shoot or help with her transition so I will still have my feet in the work pool for a bit.

It was totally weird cleaning out my office. Yes, I have switched jobs a lot in the past few years, but this was different. I had to sort through my stuff to see what I would like to take home vs keep for my return. Weird. Everyone on staff has been so supportive and warm towards me. I have briefly mentioned that it took A LOT to get to this point so people are just thrilled. I have had an amazing professional year and I am having some bitter sweet moments about being off.

Next week A. and I will celebrate our 7th anniversary. If you remember last year, we were in a very dark and bad place and we chose to ignore it. This year is different. We are stronger than ever (not because of the pg, but because of the m/c and the work we did after) and are looking forward to the next chapter of our lives. At our wedding, we had two songs. One which we danced to and one where A. sang to me. He sang, "How Sweet It Is" by James Taylor. We both love his music and it was a really special moment for us at the wedding. So Saturday night, we are going to see James Taylor in concert and will reminisce about the past 7 years and how far we have come. When I think about all that we have endured over the years, I get both upset and proud. It has been hard. Very hard to say the least. We have struggled with money, infertility, our relationship has been tested, but at the end of the day, we made it to the other side. We are strong and in love and ready to take on anything that life throws at us.

Today (28w4d) was my final GTT test. I was worried going in that I would be diagnosed with Gestational Diabetes, but luckily, I am only Glucose Intolerant (I failed 1/3 sections). What this means, remains unclear at the moment. I still need to consult with the Endocrinologist, but we are hoping with diet changes that this will be easily managed. As well, it was decided today that I am no longer able to drive. Being 4"10 and with a large belly, I sit too close to the wheel (almost touching) that it is better for me to be the passenger. I knew this was going to happen, I just thought I had a few more weeks of freedom. At least tomorrow is the last day of work and then I can relax and be chauffeured around!

My final thought for today is a shout out to my friend MTL who is on her way to get her beautiful babies! I am so happy tears literally fill my eyes when I think about them.


Sunday, June 19, 2011

What a Weekend

This was the busiest I have been in a long time. Almost every minute was planned out, which was both so nice and exhausting at the same time. It started on Saturday with A.'s cousin's Bat Mitzvah. It was so weird being the pregnant lady in the room. People would come over to me and ask me questions and I played the role well. I smiled, said how excited I am and participated in simple pregnancy banter. I did not let on, how scared shitless I am about the pregnancy or the potential complications that are looming over us. Now that I am clearly showing with a big round belly, it feels a bit like an open invitation for people to ask questions - no matter how relevant or give their advice - especially when unsolicited. I guess this is to be expected and I should just get over it. Ok.

It was then off to my parents' house to help my mom prepare for my dad's 60th birthday. We had a family BBQ party and it was a truly special evening. We prepared a slideshow of his life as well as a song, and my extended family wrote a poem. It was really touching. The best par to of the evening was my dad's speech. You should know that he lives to talk and is quite the pro at speeches, but this time was different. He seemed vulnerable. Maybe it was reflecting on his life ot thinking about his future, either way it was special. But I did again see my dad tear up when talking about my soon to be daughter. It is not a secret that we struggled to get pregnant from my extended family, but it also isn't an open book, so I knew why he was so emotional, but probably the other guests didn't notice. None the less, it is another reminder of wanted this baby is to so many people.

Today was filed with Father's Day cheer. We had brunch with my family and again the focus was on my BIL and his first Father's Day. I will admit, that it was much easier to take than Mother's Day, but still difficult at times. The hardest part was remembering last year, when we had learned about our miscarriage and my sister announced her pregnancy to the family. Hard does not describe that memory. I am trying not to dwell on that which I cannot change, but in the last couple of weeks I have found myself retracing old blog posts and going back to those darker days - not really sure what it's about, but it's a need of mine right now.

This afternoon was spent in the kitchen preparing for a Father's Day BBQ for A.'s dad and his sister and BIL. Incant remember the last time I spent hours in the kitchen and boy did my body take notice. I felt like at times I needed to sit down just to catch my breath or release some of the back stress, but it all got done. Everyone enjoyed the meal and had a good time.

Overall, this weekend was much needed to rlace the horrific memories from last year. Sure, we are still not parents, but at least this year we are closer than ever. What a difference a year makes.


Today marks 28 weeks or the beginning of the third trimester! It is a huge milestone and I am now starting to believe that this is going to happen. I am hoping that Little Miss IT makes her appearance in 10 weeks, and when you think about it, thats not that far away. After a lot of discussion with A. and some friends and family, we have decided against the prenatal class. My cousin who is a dr. is going to give a short crash session on labour terms and must have information because as she said, in the moment of pain, most women forget everything from class so it's not so worth it anyway. I fel good about this decision and think it's the right choice for me.

Thursday will be my final GD test which will either diagnose or put to rest the gestational diabetes issue. I know that if I do have it, it won't be the end of the world and of coursei am willing to do whatever it takes to Little Miss IT safe and healthy - it will just suck. Wish mr luck.


In funnier news, A. And I were in the liquour store getting drinks for the BBQ when I sneezed and needed to leave the store and run to the car immediately. Why? Because I peed myself from the sneeze? WTH?


Thursday, June 16, 2011

I'm A BIt Of A Porker

I'm petite. Maybe not always in the weight category, but my frame is small. Up until now I have been gaining weight at a normal steady pace averaging a pound a week...until now. I gained 4.4lbs in one week. Holy cow! I don't care about the excessive gain, I actually think its funny. I'm so not one of those people who obsess over what they eat, and how much they workout and so on, but I do try to be healthy. I eat well and am doing my prental videos (although probably not as much as I should). The OB told me that right now the weight is not an issue, but if it happens again next week it could be warning signs for pre-eclampsia. Great.

On the list of my worries, this is at the bottom as I need to prioritize my stress and there are only so many worries I can handle right now. So I'm taking the humour route that I'm a fatty!

In other news, school is almost out for the summer and I am starting to feel anxious about being off work. Its weird, I have wanted and waited for maternity leave for 5 years and now that I am just over a week away, I'm scared. I'm not sure of what exactly, but still scared. Its irrational I know, but I love my job and feel like I'm going to miss it over the next 14 months. I have thought about going back sooner, but not sure if it financially smart. So I'm scared, but crazy excited too.

I wrote my HR department yesterday that I will officially start my maternity leave as of September 1st and I had to keep pinching myself to believe that I was writing this! I'm still crazy reserved about all things pregnancy related but as the weeks move on, I'm getting more in the groove of things.

My one issue right now is whether to take a prenatal class or not. I want a C-Sec for anxiety reasons, but at this point the head is done so not sure how the OB will feel about that (I know there is still time for turning). But, my anxiety over being in that room with all the other pg ladies freaks me out. I can't handle silly pg chatter and I certainly won't do well with labour complications talk. So I'm stuck. We have options and I would love feedback on which path to choose:

1. Suck it up and take the class
2. Do the class privately for more money
3. Avoid the class like the plague and read A LOT

So that's where my head is today. I'm a few days away from T3 and as it happens that will fall on Father's Day (at least something to take away the bitterness and sadness from last year).


Friday, June 10, 2011

My heart and thoughts are with my dear friend Lisa as she and her husband are in emotional hell after loosing their beautiful babies this week. the out pouring of love of and support that this community has shown her is just another reason why I am so proud to be a part of it. We stand together and support each other both in times of happiness and extreme sadness. I know that I couldn't have survived the last year without all of you and I am forever grateful for the friendships and community I have found. I know that those in IF or PG loss despair are also in agreement when I say, THANK YOU.


In other news, I had my follow- up OB appointment and 2 hour GD test. As usual, the results are inconclusive. First, Little Miss IT seems to be doing really well. I had a biophysical ultrasound (BPP) where she scored 8/8! The test measures four different areas and you either score a 0 or a 2, so we are right on track. In terms of her growing, we need to recheck next week as there needs to be at least two weeks between tests to get accurate results. So we will rescan next week and the week after. Yay for more in depths looks at her. She is starting to get more real to me, having some one on one time with her (and the ultrasound techs) has really helped me to bond with her more. Still, I don't have this intense feelings...yet. Now the GD test part two. I technically passed, but by .1 on 2/3 tests, so my OB is not convinced that I am gestational diabetes free and so we repeat the test in two weeks. Ugh! But, better safe than sorry.

So the plan is to continue to get monitored closely and I know that me and the Little Miss will be ok.


Thursday, June 2, 2011


This is a bitching post please be for warned.

My SIL is pregnant. She told us and some extended family only, but it is still early. So early that she hasn't had an ultrasound to determine a fetal heart, or a uterine pregnancy. To refresh, she got married earlier this year and this was a wanted, but not ovulatary planned pregnancy. Although I am in a better place I am still so envious. For starters this now make both my sister and SIL more than fertile, first try fertile (FTF) and that just really hurts me.

I would not wish IF on my worst enemy, but the first try, seriously?

Aside from being FTF, she also completely naive about the real life effects of pregnancy loss. She is so confident (and I pray she is right) that everything will be fine. I want that for myself. I live every day in fear, and she, in nauseous bliss. The excitement and joy of excitement was ripped from me because of my past. When we learned we were pregnant, my first instinct was anger and resentment, why now, why give me this to take it away? I will admit that am now in a MUCH better place emotionally, but still those scars run deep and witnessing the sheer joy and optimism of pregnancy just makes me realize how much I want that for myself.


Yesterday was a cluster fuck of events. It started with a hectic work morning and then a shit show of disaster in the afternoon. The good news is my first test for Fifths Disease came back negative and we had a long and detailed ultrasound today where we got see Little Miss IT up close...so cool! The bad - I failed the 1 hr glucose test. Of course, are you surprised? I'm not. I eat healthy (of course I have a snack here and there, but am a well balanced eater) and my weight gain has been great, 18 pounds so far. I need to go back for the 2 hr test and I know this isn't a diagnosis, but it will mean diet changes at least. For those that know anything about levels, my OBs cut off is 7.8 before the next level of testing and I came in at 8.5. Yikes. Not looking too good. Of course I will happily give up ice cream and fruit and bread to make sure that me and the little miss are healthy, but it still sucks.

The ultrasound today had it's pros. It was performed on a new machine on trial from the company and they even had a rep helping the tech with the ins and outs of it. To get a better feel for the machine, she took her time scanning me and even pointed out the different parts. It was really cool to see her fully formed features and I even think she has A's facial structure. AND, my cervix is long and closed. Relief! The con was that the accuracy of scan is questionable. In true R. style, we had a scary result and needed a redo scan. The new machine clocked her growth as small. The 10th percentile. Not good. To be fair, I am petite and was not expecting a big baby, but the word small is scary. The second ultrasound on the older machine found her growth to be petite at the 30th percentile. Much better, but which do you believe? Again I find myself in the situation where I need to trust and believe. OB believes in the older machine, but we are going to rescan next week and move from there.

Can't anything be easy for once?

Ok, bitchy rant over. I want to leave off with a close up of my beauty, Little Miss IT!