Wednesday, June 30, 2010


It has been a really hard few days and I suspect that they will continue to be difficult as A. and I navigate ourselves through this time. Last night we finally were able to begin talking. He was able to get a lot off his chest, which was both difficult for him to say and me to hear. But I think it needed to be said.

Yes, I think the grief and the shock of what has happened to us brought this, but it was probably inevitable. I have been in IF hell for three years and that isn't easy for anyone. A. feels that I put others before him. I didn't know he felt this way. I guess if I'm being honest, I do do that. As I explained to him, he is the only person that understands what I am going through so I think I took that for granted. I feel like I need to act that everything is ok with me in front of our family and friends and its exhausting so I don't pretend for A., I use the knowledge that we have a strong committed marriage to just withdrawal from the world and I guess I need to put more of an effort into making him feel important.

Our problems are not solved...yet. We are on the right track, but we have a way to go. We are going to see SJ on Friday and hopefully she will help us continue to build on the progress that we have started. As A. says, if we weren't in love, we wouldn't be fighting to keep our marriage. I have to keep reminding myself this.

Today is our six year anniversary, but we aren't celebrating or really acknowledging it, and that hurts. I am sad and I feel alone, but hopefully in time it will get better.

So I ask you, how has infertility affected your relationships and how did you come out on the other side?


Tuesday, June 29, 2010


The situation with A. has gone from bad to worse and I am really scared for our future. We are barely speaking and when we do, it is not pleasant. He is so angry and is taking it out on me. I am trying to stay calm and rational about this reminding myself that we are the middle of a crisis, but it is not helping. His words are cutting through me like a sharp knife and I don't know where we will be. I am really really scared for us.


Monday, June 28, 2010

Dose 3

The final dose has been taken. Again, no severe pain, but also not a lot of blood. I am worried that there is something still left. I have a call into the local RE to discuss the next steps. I will have an ultrasound and repeat beta tests until it is back to zero. Apparently, the longer it takes to get back to zero, the longer it will take for my next period to arrive. Waiting game again. UGH!

Physically, I'm managing. Psychologically, not so much. A. and I are having a hard time dealing with the grief and I fear we are taking it out on each other unintentionally. We are both suffering in silence instead of together and this has been the worst part for me. I miss him and need him, but am hurting too much to be the first to give in (no matter how stupid or silly that sounds). I haven't left the bed in days and don't really have a desire to, but think I need to. I may try and get some fresh air today even if it is only for a few minutes. Maybe it can help me get some perspective?

I know that this pregnancy was only a few weeks, but I was attached. Even though I knew things can go wrong and it was still very early, I let myself get attached. Now, I am trying to keep my head above water. I know that it will get easier in time, but it is just so damn hard right now. At times, I still feel pregnant and this is the cruelest part. The part where you forget for a second that your world has been turned upside down and may never feel normal again. I was shown a glimpse of happiness and it was ripped from me in a matter of seconds. It took three and half and years to get this glimpse, I hope if there is another glimpse, it won't wait so long to find me.


Sunday, June 27, 2010

Dose 2

It wasn't so bad either. I had a lot of sweating and chills and my body was extremely achy, but no severe cramps. Also no bleeding. I was advised to wait 24 hours before taking the third dose just to see if my body responds longer to the medication. This morning there was still no bleeding so I just inserted the last dose. Hopefully it will work as I would hate to need the D&C after all of this.


Saturday, June 26, 2010

Dose 1

First dose is down and it wasn't bad at all. I took 800 mcg of the pill and had a pain killer every six hours. To be honest, I think I psychologically felt some cramping throughout the night, but not in reality. I did sleep, which was really good. I also listened to my hypnosis cd right after i put the pills in so that calmed down a lot.

The worst part by far was sitting in the bathroom before I inserted the first dose. I just held my tummy and cried. This was the time that I was really saying goodbye and I love you. It was probably the hardest moment of my life. I just wiped my tears, took a deep breath and did it. It sucked, but its over. I have been in bed ever since.

This morning, I am bleeding with dark clots (that look like period clots thank god), but only when I go to the bathroom. Thankfully there is nothing on the massive overnight pad my mom bought me. I heard that the heavy bleeding will be today, oh the joy. The other side effect that I think I have is the chills. I am usually so hot, but I am feeling chilly, although not exactly feverish. I'm sweating a bit, but can't be without the covers. If this is the worst it gets, I can do this.

A. has to go out this morning. His cousin had a baby and today is her baby naming. In Judaism, this is where the child is named in a synagogue with her Hebrew name. His cousins from out of town will be there and I would hate for him to miss this. He would have stayed back to be with me, but I know this is important for him. He has been really amazing and suportive through this whole mess and I think this is the first time that we have been on the same page when given devastating news. Maybe this is my bright light? My sister will come and hang out with me this morning until A. comes home. Things are fine between us, but I am sure my emotions and feelings will go back and forth as her pregnancy progresses and her body changes, but for now, I am not letting it ruin our strong bond.

My second dose is in about an hour. Hopefully it will be the same as the first one. I am so ready to just be done with this and move on.


Friday, June 25, 2010


The bleeding stopped, so I need the pills. I spoke to an OB that is friends with my father and he said that it is pretty likely I won't be in exrusiating pain. I really really hope so. I am scared shitless about this, but need this to be over. I also need some control over the situation. I can't go about my daily life wondering when massive bleeding is going to start. This is the best of the worst for me.

If I don't write tomorrow, you will know why. I so hope that is not the case. I really really hope it is not bad. Can you tell how scared I am?

Thanks for all the support you have shown me through emails and comments, it has really helped.


Official Job!

I signed the papers this morning. I am so relieved that something worked out the way it was supposed to and excited at my new job. In September I will be teaching a special education middle school class for half the day and then coordinating the special education program the other half. This job is so perfect for me as it combines my love of classroom instruction with leadership. So yay, somehting good.

On another note, I think I may be bleeding. I mean, I am definetely bleeding and it is bright red, but not enough to soak a liner so I am not sure if that qualifies. Since I am giving myself until tonight to take those dreaded pills, I just want to make sure that the bleeding I'm experiencing is enough to count as the official bleed. Any thoughts? Do we think its like a period where the first day is a bit weak and then it gets heavier? I really want to avoid the pills if I can, but I don't want to prolong this anymore. I just want it over with.

Today is the first time in two weeks that I have somehting to smile about, so I am going to hold on to this feeling.


Thursday, June 24, 2010

It's Starting

No not the bleeding, but the reality of what has happened. I woke up feeling empty today. Again, I was able to sleep through the night and this was the first time in months that I didn't have the alarm go off to remind to take some pills. That was nice, I guess.
I would be exactly 7 weeks today and wouldn't you know, my body still thinks its pregnant. Full blown nausea this morning. No, I didn't throw up, but I did dry heave many times. FML.

I went to see my acupuncturist this morning. She treated me to a session to help bring on the miscarriage naturally. I so hope it works. This is where the emotions came out. I have no clue what triggered me, but all of a sudden, I couldn't hold it in and the tears just came out and rolled down my face. I was still tearing when I left the office an hour later. I guess this is to be expected, the spontaneous crying and I should just bring tissues with me when I go places.

I just hope the bleeding starts on its own and is over quickly, the anticipation is torture. I just want to move on.


One exciting thing that is happening today is that my cousin asked me to accompany her to her dress fitting. I love everything weddings and so I am so happy to share this moment with her. I suspect I will need the tissues for this as well.


Wednesday, June 23, 2010

The "Official" Plan

Just got off the phone with the nurse. This is what I decided and she agrees. I am going to wait until Friday night for the miscarriage to happen on its own. If not, I am going to take the misop.rostol and pray that the effects are not hell. I have a WTF appointment scheduled with the Dr. for July 8th, which is far away, but the lab is closed during that time so I wouldn't be able to test the embryos then anyway.

Just heard from A., he used up all his vacation time with Denver trips so no vacation for us. I was really looking forward to getting away. Oh well, I guess I shouldn't be surprised because nothing ever works out the way I want it or need it to.



We just experienced an earthquake in Ontario. I think the last earthquake I was a young child. So weird.



Ultrasound today confirmed what we already knew. Not. A. Viable. Pregnancy. I haven't cried and I don't think I will. I knew this was coming so I wasn't surprised. I'm sure it also helped that at 5 am this morning I was woken up to intense stomach cramping and some spotting. The pain was pretty intense for an hour, but thankfully after two extra strength Ty.lenols and some rest, I'm feeling better (physically at least).

I won't lie, making the call to A. was difficult, but he took it well. I am really proud of him for how he has handled our latest devastating news, I think he would be proud of me too.

As usual, I'm still waiting for the nurse to call to discuss my plan. I want this miscarriage to happen ASAP. I need it be over soon because, I think I convinced A. that we are in desperate need for a vacation! He is checking with work today to see if can take the time off. Fingers crossed.


Tuesday, June 22, 2010

I'm doing ok. I haven't cried hard yet today, so that is making progress. In a weird way, having the knowledge days before really helped even though it definitely caused pain and worry. I am in the process of making a plan. I think I may be able to live with this plan.

Here is the working rough draft:

1. Tomorrow go get one last hail Mary ultrasound (even though no one including A. is expecting to see anything) at a different lab to finally be able to put this behind me. Stop all medications on Wednesday and hopefully have a natural miscarriage without the horrible pill or a D&C. This part will suck the worst and I will be back to my old crying self when the bleeding starts, but I think all things considered it will be the easiest on my body and I need to protect my lining for future attempts.

2. Set-up the WTF conversation with the Dr. to discuss next steps. I am seriously giving some thought to the idea of testing the remaining embryos as I want to protect myself from this happening again as much as possible There are risks to this. I would have to thaw, refreeze and thaw embryos again. I know they use vitrification now, and there is a 98% success rate to thawing, but I am not sure I want to take the risk. Any thoughts?

3. Continue to get monitored throughout the summer to make sure the hormone levels are back to normal and that the uterus is live tissue free. How sad is that?

4. Begin FET preparations for a late September transfer.

Assuming things work out like this (and honestly when does that ever happen for me), I will be ok.


Today, was my last day at school. It technically isn't over for another week, but due to the recent events, I didn't think I would be able to cope so my local dr wrote me a note. When I gave it to the principal he gave me a sarcastic look like, are you freaking kidding me?, but I don't really care. He is not allowed to ask me what is wrong, and I am not telling. It's none of his business. I didn't say goodbye to anyone, I will regret this later I am sure, but today I am no mood to be social.

On the new job front, I am hoping that the formal offer will be made by the end of this week or beginning of next. That will at least be something positive for me to focus on.


My sister's news is out. On Father's Day dinner, I wasn't feeling very well (stomach cramping and such) so A. and I left early. She sent me an email asking if it would be ok if she told. At that point, I just said yes. I really wanted to say, NO, OF COURSE IT"S NOT OK, I"M MISCARRYING AND DON"T GIVE A FLYING FUCK ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW, but I didn't. The pity has already begun. Both my grandmothers have made comments to my parents since the announcement. For my maternal grandmother it brought back memories of her struggles. She was married for seven years before my mom was born, which in those days was unheard of. My paternal grandmother made a comment to my dad about how he should help me. Oh if they only knew. I think the actual facts of all we have been through the last three and a half years would shock them and devastate them so that will be kept least for now.

I need to find a way to be ok with her pregnancy. I cannot let it drive a wedge between us, but I am afraid that I am so emotional and upset right now that I just don't if I have it in me. This scares the hell out of me. I want to be there for her, but right now, I can't stomach to look at her or think about her. I hope these feelings fade fast.


Thank goodness I have an appointment with SJ today, I need to her to help me make sense of all the things running through my head.


Monday, June 21, 2010


Just got off the phone with the nurse. She thinks its over. I think its over. A.'s not so sure. So we are going to get rechecked on Wednesday just for fun. (haha). This just sucks. I'm going to keep up with the hormones just on the off chance that we are in that 0.000000000000001% chance that something could actually go my way.

I'm now deciding between the natural and medicated miscarriage. So scared of that pill so maybe leaning towards the natural.

I'm just shocked. It hasn't hit me.




Still no fetal pole or heartbeat, but the sac is growing. It was 1.14 and now it is 1.8. (mm?). It is measuring exactly where I should be and there is the yolk sac. My local RE doesn't think its viable when looking at my non-doubling betas (even though) they are increasing and the two scans, but she is not willing to make the call. She wants me to come back on Monday for another scan. A. is totally on board with this, I just want the limbo to be over. I am waiting for CCRM to call to discuss.

I want the D&C, but am not going to get it. My dr said that she would not recommend it for me as my uterine lining is already thin and it could do damage to it. I may take the horrible pill, just to get it over with.

I'm doing ok at the moment and I'll update after I hear from the big guns.



It's 1:15 and my appointment is at 2:00. I have been literally staring at the clock all day. I am too scared to move. On the one hand, I need to know and put this behind me, but on the other, right now I am pregnant and I don't if I will ever be able to say that again. I am quivering with fear and sadness. I know I need to pull myself together and go, but I am paralyzed at the moment.

Thank you for your thoughts on the medical vs natural miscarriage, I know that it is not easy to bring up those memories.



I hate that I have to ask this...

For those of you that opted for no D&C, were you given any medication to 'induce' the miscarriage, or did it start on its own after stopping the meds?

Thanks, I'm totally freaking out for today's appointment. I never thought I would be in this place.


Sunday, June 20, 2010


This was the post I wrote on Mother's Day. Today is infinitely harder. It was supposed to be different. It's not and I shouldn't really surprised.


Saturday, June 19, 2010

Sinking In

I had a good night sleep last night. It was uninterrupted once my eyes finally closed. I woke this morning and for a brief moment, I forgot. The emptiness and the pain are more intense now as well as my tears. The come streaming down my face with such intensity and I can't find a way to slow them down. My wonderful symptoms of nausea and such have faded away and I have been having brown discharge/spotting all day (Dr. Google tells me this is a sign of a blighted ovum). Soon I will have nothing left to remind me that for a brief time, I was pregnant.

I am no longer numb. I am devastated. I am hurt. I am profoundly sad and I am angry.


Friday, June 18, 2010

Phone Call From the Nurse

The nurse that was handling my file yesterday (my primary nurse is off on vacation) called me to follow-up from yesterday. She said that the doctor had no additional information as to what could be going on and she reiterated to me that the first ultrasound was done to early which could cause inaccurate results.

I took the opportunity while I had a clear head to ask the difficult questions that I don't really want the answers to, but need to know.

1. What exactly was seen on the ultrasound?
The saw a small sac measuring around 5w2d (I should have measured 5w4d-5w6d) and what appears to be a polyp either near my ovary or attached to it. I didn't really understand this part and my local RE said nothing of this. I will definitely need to investigate this further on Monday. I don't even know what that means, is it really awful?

2. How often does this happen?
They have an 80% live birth rate so in 20% of their patients. She said it is split 50/50 between known causes (chem pg, blighted ovum, ectopic) and unknown causes.

3. What is the protocol is this turns out to be a blighted ovum?
The doctor will have me stop all meds and I will hopefully miscarry naturally. This can take upwards of a week. I will probably bleed heavy for seven days.

4. What about a D&C?
I feel that if this pregnancy is not viable, I want it over as fast as possible. The dr. is usually very conservative and doesn't like to use surgical intervention unless necessary as it can cause scar tissue. It all depends on the ultrasound findings.

5. What is the recovery time until I can try again?
Usually about two months.

I have spent the day in bed, reading and rereading your comments of support to help me get through this so thank you. It is going to continue to be a long weekend and I hope that I will be able to make it through in one piece.

Oh and fyi- my pregnancy symptoms are of course out of control- fatigue, headaches and nausea and I have noticed veins on my breasts. FML.


On and Off

I have been bleeding on an off both red and brown for a few days now.

I have been crying on and off since yesterday. I have moments where I am numb, not feeling anything and can carry on a normal conversation and then instantly start crying at what seems like the drop of a hat. The tears are streaming down my face and I can't stop them. I am obsessively searching the Internet for similar stories with positive outcomes, but the same thing keeps coming up, blighted ovum.

From what I have read, a blighted ovum occurs because of a chromosomal abnormality usually with the egg. Um, isn't that why I had an egg donor? How can this happen? Why is this happening?

A. had to work late last night so aside from a lot of phone calls here and there, we haven't spent time together. I usually love him for his optimism, but right now, I need him to be realistic. I need him to understand that the odds are not in our favour and this is most likely not going to turn out the way we wanted or hoped. I need him to lay beside in bed and hold me as I cry myself into a tired daze where I am able to close my eyes and forget. I need to forget the happiness I felt for the last few weeks as it was all a mirage. It wasn't real. This pregnancy wasn't real.

How do I prepare myself for the inevitable on Monday? How do I make it through the next three days where one of them is Father's Day? How do I talk to my sister while at the same exact time that I found out there was no fetal pole and therefore not a viable pregnancy, she got her twelve week confirmation that hers was progressing on track?

People call me strong, but I don't feel strong right now. I feel broken and cheated and empty. I just don't know what I did to deserve this? I really thought that once I had a positive hcg test, I would be in the clear and have a normal pregnancy. I guess that is not in the cards for me. It just sucks.


Thursday, June 17, 2010


I just spoke with a CCRM nurse. There was some confusion about where the reports were. I was wrong. The sac measured at 5w2d so smaller than I originally thought. My hcg went up to 10000 something, but that is still an increase of only 2000 so not looking so good. On a good note, my estrogen and progesterone are amazing. Too bad this has no indication of a viable pregnancy. She is going to show the reports to the doctor, but thinks I should stay on my medications and retest on Monday.

I will say this, as much as this is devastating, I still think a BFN is worse. At least for me. Now I have had both.


Not Looking Good

I had an ultrasound. They saw a sack. No fetal pole, no heartbeat. The sack was measuring at 5w2d (I guess that is around the time of the first bleeding episode). The dr said that 40% time, this turns out ok. I never fall on that side of the statistics. She also said that with beta numbers as high as mine were, we should have seen more. I go back on Monday for the definitive results. I know this over.


A Plan

The bleeding has now turned to very very light spotting and may even be changing colour to brown. Yay. I think what I am going to do is go and get my hormone levels checked as originally planned and speak to my RE. This way, I can explain the bleeding episodes and if she thinks I need an ultrasound, then I will have one.

A. has a pretty bad cold and he went to bed early last night. I didn't wake him when I discovered the bleeding. I did wake hime this morning. I am a realist to a fault and he is an optimist to the same degree. He is convinced everything is fine (I so want him to be right, this time) and that an ultrasound is not necessary. He has a really busy day at work, and of course he would come with me in a second if I needed him, but he thinks I am worrying for nothing. Now, with the almost gone spotting, I tend to believe him.

I hope I am not making a big mistake by forgoing the ultrasound.


Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Oh Shit

Bleeding is back. Red and more than last time. Still not filling the liner, but getting close. I have to get my hormones checked tomorrow and I am going to beg for an ultrasound. I am freaking the fuck out. Holy shit. I hate blood...especially red.


3 Generations

I spent the afternoon with my father and grandfather. My grandfather is an amazing man. He is 82 years old, and still has his brains. So much so, that he contiunes to work (not full time of course, but enough). He is a brilliant business man who dealt in hardware for many years. I have learned a lot of important life skills from him over the years. For the last couple of years, I have been teaching how to use the Internet. He is pretty good at the basics, but doesn't like to practice much so he forgets a lot of the skills.

Over the last few years, his health has been deteriorating. He presents with sympotms of Parkinson's Disease, however a formal diagnosis has not been made; and he has difficulty walking so he uses a scooter or walker to get around. This for him has been the biggest battle. He is an extremely slow mover so it can take upwards of ten minutes to walk ten steps. It can be difficult.

Needless to say, he is a fighter. He is not giving up or letting old age, get in the way of his fun. Today was no exception. We met for lunch a nice restaurant in the mall. We sat and talked and laughed while we eat. (I had a mini roasted red pepper pizza with a side green salad - yum-o.) After lunch my dad told us he would like to do some shopping. He is not much of a shopper and his clothes can be outdated at times (who wears tapered dad), so I was more than excited to help out. The three of us went to Ban.ana Re.public and had a ball. It was like the scene out of Pre.tty We had a great time helping my dad choose outfits. (I guess you know you're a shopoholic when you enjoy shopping for others as well as yourself.)

It was a really great day.


Yesterday's post, I wrote about "telling" people. I plan on waiting at least twelve weeks before telling people, but may tell my close friends sooner (I would tell them if something bad happened as well). Sorry if that was confusing, and thank you for your support and advice as always.


Symptoms: nauseau is back, not enough to throw up, but wishing I could! (Still tired with sore boobs.) And I am not sure if this is a symptom or not, but when I sat in car I peed myself a little (I hope from pressure, not really sure, has this happened to anyone...please?).


Tuesday, June 15, 2010

The Difference Between Them and Us

Fertiles and infertiles I mean. I have been thinking about this a lot lately as it directly relates to my sister and me. I have written before about the extremely close bond that we share and I am so thankful that this has not changed due to our pregnancies. If anything, you all were right, and we are experiencing the joys (and my fears) together.

After spending the night at the mall together I observed three differences between her and me.

1. Fear

With my recent spotting incident I have been hoping and praying and hoping and praying, you get the idea, that I could at least make it to the ultrasound. Her take is that if god forbid something were to happen, it isn't real until you see the heart flicker on the screen so it may be easier. Um, no! This was 3+ years in the making and I have never gotten to this step. Obviously, I want/need/hope/pray that this pregnancy will continue and bring me a healthy baby, but that doesn't mean it isn't real because I haven't seen an ultrasound picture. Well, actually I have. I have the picture when they implanted. So there, score one for the infertile!

2. Gaining Weight

My sister and I both have average body types. I am short (4"11), and carry most of my weight in my abdomen, ugh. And she is taller (5"5) and has her weight more distributed. I would not call either of us fat, even though I have gained a good 15 or so pounds from IVF. She is starting to gain a little pregnancy weight. It is cute actually. She has a teeny tiny belly that comes out at night, but other than that, she looks the same only a little fuller. Well, she hates it. So you know what I would give, to gain some pregnancy weight? Um, my left foot? right arm? $150 000? You get the idea.

3. Sharing the News

I always thought I would wait until twelve weeks to share pregnancy news with friends and family. (I don't even have a FB account so that would definitely not be the way I would do it.) I have since realized that nothing is a guarantee and we need to enjoy the moments we have. I *think* if we get to this stage, I will feel confident sharing my news after two healthy ultrasounds (8-9 weeks). Her on the other hand, needs to wait until the superstitious time of twelve weeks. Ok, to each their own. Knowing that anything can happen at any time, I just want to be able to have moments of joy where I share news with the people I love. Is this the wrong attitude?

I am not generally a nervous person. I think of myself as a pretty level headed thinker, who is a realist. When I have reason for concern (like the spotting/bleeding), I react accordingly. Otherwise, I'm good. This is why, I *think* I am ok with my telling plan. I reserve the right to change my mind a thousand times between now and then.


I got my latest BETA results back today and it came in at 7842. Not a huge jump from two days ago. I did a lot of research on Dr. Google today as well as speaking with the nurses at both the local clinic and CCRM. Not so significant as the doubling time decreases as the number increases. I am choosing not to worry or think about it (often) and hope for the best at Monday's ultrasound.

Symptoms: the fatigue is back, nothing else really.


Monday, June 14, 2010

I Came Out Today

First, I emailed my CCRM nurse this morning to keep her updated on the bleeding situation and my beta results. Although she did say my number was strong, she also said that we need it to continue doubling. I don't know, but something about the tone (and it is so hard to infer tone in an email) has me a bit freaked. Almost, like she thinks there is a chance that it won't double. I'm not going to worry about that. I'm going to be positive.


I came out at work today. No, not about being pregnant (I'm very supersticious), about being IF. It actually felt really good. It was never really secret, but I don't walk around with a large sign with flashing lights either. On Friday, I was proctoring an exam with a collegue. He and his partner are starting to think about family planning and how expensive it is (tell me about it). He made a remark about me giving him one of mine, to which I replied, sorry I can't.

This got us started on the conversation of IF. Seeing as he is contemplating adoption and surrogacy, he immediately asked about surrogates. I replied that wasn't my problem and the conversation was dropped. Today, it was brought up again, only with two more people. The four of us were sitting around the staffroom table marking and again, this collegue was discussing the 100K price tag associated with family planning. I needed him to know that I thought his quote was a bit on the high side.

I explained to him the cost of IUI, IVF and DE IVF in both Canada and the US and when the others around the table asked how I knew so much, I replied, this is my reality. No one said anything, I thought that was a bit odd, but ok.

When the others left, he continued to ask questions. Not in a prying way, but in a wanting information way. This was the first time I admitted to using DE to a real life person. It felt weird and oddly normal. I wasn't embarrassed (not that I thought I would be) or upset or anything. It is what it is.

He asked questions about how to choose, where to go and other things. I answered as best I could.

At the end of the conversation, I think he felt a bit better and I felt great that I was able to help someone who I know in real life. It was cool. (I did lie about where we were in the process though).

Symtoms: is it possible they are dissappearing?


ETA: David Hasseloff is on Young and the Restless today. LOL! Talk about a blast from the past.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Looking OK

I woke up this morning early. The red was gone, but there was quite a bit brown spotting/discharge. Yay for the brown. Brown is good. Brown = old. It was a good way to start the day. A. got up and took me to the clinic to get my beta drawn, that was at 9 am. It took until 1:14 pm to get the call. My nerves were out of control and I was making myself sick...literally. A. kept telling me to not stress, but really, do you think that's possible? Me neither. Beta came back today at 6092. They told me it was a good increase and to repeat the test in a couple of days. (Have I mentioned lately that I love being Canadian and having free healthcare to run as many beta tests as I want?) I am so relieved and thankful. I am still on bedrest for the remainder of today, but will go to work tomorrow as long as there is no more red blood.

Again, I would not know what to do without your support, comments, advice and friendship. Thank you.


FYI- My already large chest (34DD) is getting out of control.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Trying to Remain Calm

Around 10 am it started. Bright red spotting. Try to remain calm, try to remain calm. I wasn't freaking out completely, as I know many women experience this, especially those on the Endomteriun, but when it happens to you, you are a mess. I called my dad. He told me it was probably fine, nothing to be concerned about, stay off my feet and drink plenty of water. Ok, that's easy enough.

My sister was over as we were supposed to go out shopping today to get her some new clothes. Obviously, our plans changed. Around 11 am, the spotting turned into two clots and I had some pretty intense AF like cramps. The tears instantly came along with the irrational thoughts. I called both my local RE and CCRM. I spoke with CCRM first. The nurse on call told me this happens in 70% of their patients. Unless the bleeding is enough to fill a pad (which mine isn't), it's ok. She told me to lie down and drink lots of water. She spoke to A. and reassured him, but I was still very worried. Around 1:30 pm my local RE called and gave me the same instructions and told me to come in for a BETA test tomorrow. This freaked me a bit.

So for the rest of today and tomorrow I will be lying around and taking it easy. The cramps come and go in waves, but the spotting/bleeding seems to be getting less and less.

I just really hope my pregnancy journey is not over. I was just starting to believe this could be real. Was I too optimistic too soon? Any words/stories of encouragement would be so appreciated.


Recipes Needed...Please!

I am not complaining, I am not. BUT, milk is disgusting. I mean really, does anyone really enjoy the taste of a nice cold glass of milk? (A. does and he thinks its hysterical that I want to gag every time I drink a glass!) I am trying to drink two full glasses of milk a day and also eat dairy to get my calcium up. I do take a vitamin, but I have never been a milk drinker so I am feeling like I have a lot of catching up to do.

I have tried a few strategies to make it easier to drink but so far nothing is working. I try to have the milk extremely cold (no ice cubes though), try to down it as fast as I can, but then the taste accumulates and it is so overpowering, I try to drink little amounts throughout the day, but then I get angry when it is 10 pm and I still ned to drink more. I would love to have skim chocolate milk, but I'm still not having caffeine or chocolate so that is out (please no thoughts on the caffeine thing). So I'm stuck.

I need your help (yes, Mrs LC, I'm talking to you and all you other closest chefs). Please give me some ideas for high calcium recipes as this milk thing is killing me, one sip at a time.


Friday, June 11, 2010

Oops it They Did it Again

Remember the bridal salon and how they divulged private information about the pregnant bridesmaid? They did it again. Our dresses came in and of course, mine is huge. Actually it so big, that me and the bride could fit into it, but I guess that's what I deserve for making plans. I have always said that when you make plans, they get scrunched up, ripped a part, thrown out a window, set on fire and then laughed at, so it serves me right. My sister's dress however, is too small. She isn't showing yet, but she is feeling fuller in her mid-section and will be five months at the wedding. She decided to order more fabric, secretly as she hasn't come out yet to the world. The store called the bride to tell her that the fabric was in. The bride was obviously confused and then called my sister to tell her. She made up some lie about needing the fabric and who knows what will come of it. All I know is my sister is crazy mad (doesn't help that her raving hormones have turned her into a lunatic bitch :)). In the end this is all so trivial and doesn't matter, it is just ironic that we were gossiping about the pregnant bridesmaid and now they are gossiping about her. Oh how the tables have turned. Things could be worse.


On an unrelated note, today was my final proctoring day and now it is on to the fun stuff...marking. Wish me good luck.


Thursday, June 10, 2010

Hormone Check

This morning I went in for a check of my Estrogen (e2) and Progesterone (p4) levels. My nurse told me they monitor these levels to make sure the medication doses are sufficient, but the results have no relation to beta hcg levels. I'll admit, that I was a little disappointed because I really wanted another test to put my mind at ease.

I went to the clinic around 9am and it was relatively empty. Usually I am there right at 7am so that I can get to work, but I was off today so I had the luxury of a sleep-in. The nurses all seemed to be happy for me, which was nice, but my local RE who I spent 3 years with, did not say anything. (It is possible that she didn't see me, but the waiting room is pretty small, I'll try and give her the benefit of the doubt; OR she could be embarrassed because she would have cancelled my cycle when the first fluid ultrasound came back. Either way, it's fine.) I gave my orders, closed my eyes and waited for the poke to be over. Seriously, I would think that after everything I have been through, the needles would get a little easier, but no. Still scare the hell out of me.

I went home and took a nap for 2 hours (is this becoming a trend?). I awoke to the phone ringing from my local clinic. Apparently, they run beta tests when you come for monitoring...just because. YAY. I love them. I think I told the nurse that. LOL. Anyway, here is my recap:

9dp5dt - 252
11dp5dt - 547
16dp5dt - 2872 Holy smokes!

E2 came in at 2781 and P4 at 10.2

I am very relieved and starting to let this become more real. Next hormone check is in one week.

Symptoms: sore boobs (although I have been sleeping with a sports bra, which is helping), fatigue (hello 2 naps this week) and extremely emotional (crying during GLEE and SYTYCD).


Wednesday, June 9, 2010


I want to begin this post by saying that I am 100% pro-choice.

Today was my weekly appointment with SJ. I had been so looking forward to our session, because I wanted to share my beta news with her (I did email her, but it is so much better in person) and talk about some of the issues that are going on in my head. Her office is in a medical building and she shares a waiting room with a free birth control clinic. Oh the irony. Usually, it doesn't bother me. I meet many interesting people waiting and I think nothing of the reasons that they are there. Not the case today.

Either I was early, or SJ was running late (probably the later) so I took a seat on the familiar couch. There were two women sitting as well. One beside me, who was quite quiet, but polite (her bag was in my way so she moved it) and another on the opposite talking on a cell phone...rather loudly.

At first, I couldn't really figure out what she was talking about. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. She was there for an abortion consult. (I should add that I am not 100% sure, but it did not appear that woman conceived out of a horrible situation i.e. rape victim- not that that would be the only reason for abortion, but not today's point). She went on to say that she wasn't sure this was the path she would go down, and that if something were to happen, "it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world as this isn't her biggest dream anyway". Stab. Me. In. The. Heart. Now. (What I really wanted to say, was that it was MY biggest dream and I will gladly take the baby off her hands.)

Why was it so easy for her to get pregnant? What did she do, that I didn't? Why does she get to pass along her genes, why I don't?
It isn't fair.

At this point, I was more than tearing so I needed to excuse myself from the waiting area. By the time SJ had come to get me, I was beyond hysterical. I truly don't care what this woman does, it was just her words cut through me. I know that for today, I am one of the lucky ones who is pregnant, but it doesn't take away the hurt. Infertility has taken so much from me, and these scars are deep. You can't turn them off because of a couple of positive levels. It doesn't work that way. Yes, I am so thankful for having gotten this far, but my journey is far from over.

In the end, SJ was able to calm me down. I realize that my outburst today had a lot more to do with my scars and grief than her stupid comments. It just hurts. I wish it wasn't so difficult.


Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Chillin' With the Oldies

I spent the day with my grandma. She lives in a condo and the social club organizes outings every month. Today was a trip to the casino. I wasn't working (have I mentioned that I LOVE exams) so I joined along. I was the youngest person on the bus by at least fifty years. No kidding. On the bus, she took the opportunity to ask me if I was starting to try for a family. My response, "that's for me to know and you to find out". She dropped it. I'll admit, I was smiling inside.

We had a blast. We first played black jack, but we were betting like fools, so even though at one point we were up a few hundred dollars, we eventually walked away from the table empty handed. After lunch was when the real fun began. We hit the slots. I am not typically a slots girl, but I only had $10 left to gamble with so I thought, why not. We found a $0.05 Wheel of Fortune machine. It was so fun. It kept my attention and enjoyment for an hour. I ended up leaving with $63.00 so I thought that was great.

It was so much fun hanging out and spending time with grandma. I am so lucky that she is an active part of my life.

Symptoms: aside from cramping, nothing to report.


Monday, June 7, 2010

Getting my Ducks in a Row

I took a big step today. I booked the ultrasound appointment. It's scheduled for Monday, June 21 at 2pm. That's exactly two weeks away. I can't believe it. I still find it difficult to comprehend that this may actually work out. I also spoke with my nurse about OBs and I decided to wait until after the ultrasound to pick a doctor. Kayjay gave me some great advice and recommendations that I may follow. I am also looking at seeing dr. Roth out of Scarborough as my dad is affiliated with that hospital and will get better care, but that is only if it is a singleton. I guess time will tell.

In other news we met with a financial planner tonight. We need to get our finances in better shape so that we can afford our future. (In Canada we get one year of maternity leave, but the pay is really poor.) We both felt really good after the meeting and realize that even though we have a long way to get organized, we have made good steps in the right direction.

Symptoms: tired (took a 3 hour nap this afternoon--I never nap!)


Sunday, June 6, 2010


That's right. I think the emotions and the hormones and the fear have turned me into a mega-bitch. Sorry A. (He doesn't read this blog, but he checks it sometimes, so I figure I'll put the apology out there and hopefully he will know.)

Tomorrow I am going to speak with my CCRM nurse and my local RE regarding next steps. I am now in unchartered territory and I don't really have a plan (which is so not like me). My nurse told me I need to get an OB, ok, how do you do that? I've never been pregnant and my family doctor does my yearly checks so I've never had to see one before. Also, can I go to any doctor, or do they have special doctors for IVF patients, or lunatics like I may turn out to be. I have always considered myself a pretty level headed person, but I feel the need to protect myself and this pregnancy so I may turn into one of those patients they make fun of.

What's the difference between a highrisk and a regular OB anyway? Does it really make a difference?


On another note, my sister finally told my family last night her news. She waited until I heard my results so I was still first to announce. My parents are literally in shock. My brother cried (but told my sister as happy as is he is for her, the tears were for me...he is so sweet). My dad is really concerned about me. He wishes there was a way for us both to tell our extended families together (there isn't because she is already 10 weeks, and I will wait until I am 12 weeks) as he feels my grandparents are going to be devastated for me. It is true, they will be. That will be hard for me. It will suck actually, but I will have to keep telling myself that soon will be my turn. (Please remind me of this on Father's Day when she makes her big announcements and everyone there gives me the sad, pathetic, I'm so sorry for you eyes.) Otherwise, it was pretty awesome for both of us to share such news on the same day. Yes, there will be times (like Father's Day) where it will hurt and sting and suck that she is farther along than me, but then there are the other days where we can shop together, talk about our bodies changing and our symptoms and just be two best friends and sisters going through pregnancy together. I guess I will just have to remind myself of the positives from time to time.

New Symptoms: nauseous when brushing teeth, acne on chin and bitchy.


Saturday, June 5, 2010

Beta 2

It's official, I am pregnant. Holy shit.

Beta came back at 547 so more than doubled. Not really sure what the time was (or how to calculate that).

THANK YOU for your support, I don't think I would have made it this far without you.

Symptoms: who cares!


Friday, June 4, 2010


Is insomnia a side effect? I thought I was just nervous all those days leading up to yesterday's beta, but it's now 5:39 am , and I have already been wide awake for at least and hour. I am not complaining. I will take any and all side effects - no matter how tired or sick they make me. Just wanted to ask some of those more experienced ladies, if it still my nervous or if there is a reason for my lack of sleep.


Yesterday was an awesome day. Of course the Big Fat Beta, played a role, but it was also the last day of teaching for the year. School is not over, but now the students are getting ready for their end of the year exams so my role as 'teacher' is official over. I think I mentioned in a post or two that this year has been awful professionally for me. I have been miserable.

I am an Special Education teacher and have been teaching for 8 years. This year was my first year in a secondary school. When I accepted the job, I had high hopes. I was getting ready to fly out to Denver for my ODWU and upcoming cycle and I was hired to work at Branch A (the school has two campuses). We all know how my cycle ended up, and I got transferred to Branch B. My IVF failure almost destroyed me. It left me broken in ways I didn't realize at the time (it took LOTS of time with SJ to figure this out) and in many ways, tainted my outlook on my job. I was bitter, overworked and sad. I never took it out on my students, but I don't think I gave my all.

The first semester, I hated the fact that I was forced to work the entire school year. It made me resent my job and my life. It didn't help matters that my principal and I didn't see eye to eye on the principal foundations of special education. I felt like I was no good at the one thing I excelled job. I sucked at infertility and now at my job too. It was a really difficult time.

So in January, I gave my official notice to resign at the end of the year. It felt amazing to finally do something for myself and I was convinced back then, that my DE journey would be smooth and that I would be expecting a baby in early fall so I would have an extended summer. Things don't work out the way we plan.

I started looking for a new job, and was unofficially offered a dream job. I don't want to jinx it by sharing some details until it becomes official, which will hopefully be really soon. I am very excited to start this job in Septemebr and am feeling positive about my career for the first time in months. I am thankful for that.

This beta has brought me (hopefully) to an end of an era. I hope the misery is over. I think there is something really powerful in the fact that two very significant life moments happened on the same day, I mean really, what are the chances?


In Judaism, the number 13, is special. It is not seen as bad luck, but rather the opposite.

- It is the age where a Jewish boy, has his Bar Mitzvah* (a ceremony where he will read from the Torah for the first time and become a man in the eyes of the religion).
- Rambam's Thirteen Fundamental Principles (a list of Jewish beliefs created by the medieval Jewish philospher Maimonides).
- Thirteen Divine Attributes of Mercy (God revealed these to Moses after the golden calf incident when Moses wanted to find a way for the Jews to seek forgiveness).

*Jewish girls have their Bat Mitzvah between 12-13 years old. (Mine was on my 13th birthday).

As you can see, the number thirteen has deep roots in my relgion. It is the also the number of embryos I have transferred to date. It has taken 13 embryos to get me pregnant.
I love religion and it has always been a large part of who I am, but I am not a traditional observant Jew. I look for the meaning behind the customs and decide how I can incorporate the elements into my life. So for me, the fact the my 13th embryo worked, is really amazing.


Today is my first official full day being pregnant. I plan to relish every moment. I am still terrified for beta 2, but I am going to focus on the positives and the symbols that have appeared.

Symptoms: insomnia (although I am sure I will be exhausted soon), same boobs and cramping, a bit more queasiness (had a handful of dry Cheerios at 4:45 am which helped).


Thursday, June 3, 2010

9dp5dt - BETA DAY

Again, I woke up early...this time 5:00am. It was too early to put in my Estrace so I lay in bed waiting. That felt like hours. I finally got out of bed, got ready and drove to the RE's office. I was really worried to get there, because of the spotting, but again, I put on some pumped up Glee music and chanted to myself that I needed the number to be over 100. I also was nervous, because the last time I was in that office, I was having my hysterical breakdown over the stupid ultrasound findings. Luckily, no one brought it up and they were all really supportive.

I got home, and needed to calm myself down so I POAS - another digital. At 7dp5dt it said I was 1-2 weeks pregnant (I still can't believe that). Today at 9dp5dt it said i was 2-3 weeks pregnant so I felt like my number was getting up there and going in the right direction.

I had to teach one class this morning and then I had a three hour break so of course I rushed home. A message was waiting for me from my local RE. It was good news.

My beta came in at: 252. I am shocked.

At 11:03am (9:03am mountain time) my CCRM nurse called. When she asked how I was my reply was 252 happy. I told her that I am still concerned about the spotting and that I really need things to continue to go right on Saturdays test as I have never passed a second test, which is when she asked if I ever had a number that high before. Um no. She told me the dates of my next two ultrasounds and my due date. I couldn't believe that she was so confident.

For today, I am overwhelmed, ecstatic, scared shitless and so thankful. Especially to all you who have supported me in ways that I will never be able to repay. THANK YOU.

Symptoms: cramping, nervous stomach, headache from hell, sore boobs.


Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Ask and You Shall Receive

Pie asked, so I will do it. Here are my stick pictures. For those of you who find this insensitive, I am truly sorry. It is not my intent to throw salt in your wounds, I know them all too well and mine run really really deep.

FYI- the spotting has slowed down, if not stopped. And there have been no more intense cramping episodes so that is good. I think I also have a new symptom: acne. I know I've said it before, but tomorrow cannot come fast enough.



I'm freaking out. Sometime this morning and only for a few seconds the cramping intensified. So much that I remember clenching the desk, breathing and then it was over. A few hours later when I went to the washroom I had some brown (I think its brown, but it mixed with the green Estrace pill so who knows) on my liner. Ok freakout begin. Could it be that I've had false hope all this time? I knew this was probably too good to be true. I really need this to work out.

I emailed my nurse and luckily got a reply within minutes. She assured me that spotting is totally normal - especially around beta time. I should make sure to drink lots of fluids. Ok, feeling a tiny bit better.

I'm more nervous for tomorrow's test then ever. When I had my chemical pregnancy my intial beta was 75, I need this one to be higher.

Have I been too optimstic? Did I take the sticks for granted? I hope the test tomorrow proves my biggest were just that, unfounded fears, but right now...I'm terrified.
Symptoms: sore boobs, queasy, cramping, tired (although I wake up early without the alarm :( ).

Tuesday, June 1, 2010


The line is still there, coming faster and getting darker. The excitement is not going away. POAS is the most fun I have had...ever. (I promise once I have beta results I will not mention POAS again.)

On the sister front, yes, I'm upset. My IF scars run very deep and a few positive pee sticks does not take that away. HOWEVER, I am getting used to the idea. I think I needed the initial shock to wear off, and now I can start to become excited. I love her and would never want our relationship to suffer out of jealousy or anything else, but at the same time, this hurts.

Smptoms: cramping continues (feels similar to AF cramps, but more intense), tired, sore boobs, headache and queasy feeling (so not eating much today- maybe the cause of the headache?)