Friday, December 23, 2011

4 Months

LMI, I cant believe you are four months old today time is going by so quickly. This past month was filled so many fun things. You learned to roll over from your tummy to your back (although since being in the harness this new skill has stopped) and you are loving your activity mats. You stare, grab, swat and coo at your toys with a smile from ear to ear. You are begining to laugh, but it sounds much more like a gurgle. And the best of all - you give me the biggest smiles in the morning when you wake up. It is the best part of my day.

We have had fun at our fitness class (you much much more than me) as you especially love the parachute and bubbles (gym.boree has the best bubbles ever), you light up during music class and you listen intently at the library storytime.

You now weigh 10lbs2oz and are 22.5" tall. You are doing so well.

You are loving your first Chanukah and become mesmerized by the candle light.

Thank you for all you have given me. I love you so much.

***

I wish you all a happy holiday. I think of you all often and I hope that 2012 brings good things for everyone.

Monday, December 19, 2011

One Year Ago

... My brother got engaged, my neice was born and LMI was conceived. It is still so unbelevabe how thesebturn if events happened almost simultaneously. When I think back to how depressed and deeply sad I was it amazes how much has changed in a year. I remember her birth as if it were yesterday. It was probably the hardest obstacle I have ever faced. My younger sister gave my parents their first grandchild - a fact that to this day still upsets me. I remember holding it together long enough to see my sister and her brand new baby and then almost instantlt falling apart in the hallway outside her room. It was so so so hard.

BUT I did it. I stepped up for my sister and I feel good about that.

My neice has brought so much joy to my life. She gives the biggest smile when she sees me and is now at the point where her mommyitis is disappearing and she will play with me. I couldnt recognize it at the time, but having our girls so close in age has been a blessing. I'm still (and probably alwaysvwill be) upset that I wasnt first, but I dont let that fact ruin my life anymore.

***

LMI had a follow- up appointment for her hip dysplasia today. Turns out she is a medical mystery like her mother. The angle of her hip got worse since being paced in the harness. The dr said this highly irregular. Of course. The good news is that the ultrasound showed that her hip isnt able to dislocatevwhen in the harness which is a good thing. So we continue. I acm not sure what the hipnangle percentages mean, but I didnt get the impression that it is serious. Thank goodness.

Here's the skinny on life in the harness:
- Ha.lo makes a sleepsack with a swaddle atached - life saver at the beginning. It was a good way to transition out of the swaddle.
- Ba.by Le.gs are leg warmers. Totally cute and super easy to wear over the harness. LMI wears them as tights with dresses on top and you cant tell shes wearing the harness.
- She hates tummy time as it hurts so we need to be extra creative with ways ti help her strengthen her head and neck. Airplane anyone?
- Cleaning the hardest is a huge pain in the butt, it takes forever to dry. Ugh.

Overal the harness is doable, but a total pain. Hopefully she will be out of it soon. Our next check is in three weeks.

***

Yesterday A and I hosted our annual family Hanukkah party. We had twenty relatives at the house to enjoy latkes, bagels and other treats. It was extra special ths year for obvious reasons. Tomorrow night we light the first candle and I just cant believe that there will finally be three of us around the chanukiah this year. Still is unbelievable to me. To those who celebrate Chag Sameach!

-R.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Yesterday sucked. LMI had her appointment which confirmed the hip dysplasia suspicion. Currently her left hip is loose and therefore can become dislocated in certain positions and therefore the harness was recommended. She was a totalsuper star during the ultrasound and examination, but when it came to fitting her for the harnesses (we got two because she is a huge barfer) she was none to pleased. She cried. A lot.

It isnt that bad of an contraption. The angle that she is placed in is not so severe so with loose tops or dresses, it wont be so noticiable. We were at the hospital for two hours and when we left she was calm and sleeping in her carseat as if nothing happened. Until we got home.

LMI was a total mess all day. I was most worried about bedtime as she was making the tansition into a sleepsack. She did great though. The harness did not seem to affect her and she woke up today with a smile on her face. It will suck, but we will get through this.

-R.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Overwhelmed

Yesterday was LMI's hip ultrasound. It was scheduled to be done at the children's hospital. We are very fortunate that my city has a world renowned hospital that specializes in all things children - but, going there for your child is extremely overwhelming. The hospital looks like what every place dedicated to children should, big bright colours, kid friendly wall murals, friendly people and fun things for children to look at and play with. Not to mention, high quality excellent doctors.

I haven't been to this hospital in many many years - probably not since I was a child myself and so going there as a mom was an experience I won't soon forget. Even though we were only there for a non-invasive outpatient procedure, we were still there and it was quite scary.

The ultrasound was not bad at all. In fact, LMI had a huge smile on her face while she was smeared with the cold blue jelly on both of her hips. I left feeling optimistic about the results, but two hours later the pedi called with the news. Immature left hip. LMI needs to be seen by an orthopaedic dr and will most likely be fitted for a Pavlic harness.

I am beyond devastated.

As an IFer, I can handle a lot. I got through all the shit that was thrown at me - and remember, there was a lot. But this is my child. I ache when she suffers. I know in the grand scheme of things, this is not that big a deal, but for right now I am upset. I am just so sick of constantly being faced with challenges, can't I have a break, just once?

Today I am choosing to have a pity party and snuggle with LMI, tomorrow, I will pick myself up, do all my research and be ready to attack hip dysplasia with all I've got. LMI, you have nothing to worry about, your mommy is on the case.

-R.

P.S. if you have any experience with Pavlik harness I would love some specifics.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Thoughts

LMI turned three months old this week. Everyday she is becoming more and more like her own unique person and less newborny. My favourite is when she stretches after a long nap or sleep - it is just so cute. She is now rolling over from her front to back, sitting in her Bum.bo chair, and cooing and swatting her toys. She is also awake for longer stretches in the afternoon/evening which is great for A as he gets some quality play time when he gets home from work. LMI is growing well and is gaining weight appripriately. She is now 9lbs5oz and 21" long - she is definitely on target to double her birth weight by five months. The ultrasound for her hip will be on Monday, but today the dr couldn't detect a click so I'm hopefully she will be fine. Her smiles are infectious and they brighten up my day. I love her more than I could have imagined.

***

I had an appointment with SJ last week. I explained to her that I am feeling out of place and unsure of where I fit in. Since LMI's conception and especially birth I have been treated differently. My IRL friends are now including me in all their "mommy" related buisness, I've been invited to more kids' birthday parties than I care to count and people talk to me about their plans for trying for another baby. Its weird. I dont feel a connection to these people - my friends. I'm still accepting all that I have been through and continue to go through. I still have resentment and anger. I love LMI more than anything, but the years leading up to meeting her were beyond horrible in more ways than one. I feel broken.

I also feel weird in this place. I once knew how Infit in, but now I'm not so sure. Yes I am IF but it feels almost wrong to say that. My sponatenous, out of the blue pregnancy changed my persepctive. Do I think it was 100% natural conception? No fucking way. The leftover hormones amd the biopsy played a part I am sure. I don't like telling my story becausenIndont want to give an IFer false hope. I know how extremely lucky and unique this was. It is not the norm and I dont pretend like it is. I also dont want non IFers to get the wrong impression - the just relax thoughts are so sickening. I almost wish IVF had worked It would be easier in many ways to explain a pregnancy.

SJ made me realize that most of my adult married life I had been working towards a goal - becomming a mother, that I didt have time to develop myself as an adult. I have the opportunity now to reshape my life. To focus on other things and do things for myself. I dont even know where to start. This is something that will take time and soul searching.

I know that I have lost readers since LMI. Maybe because I am becomming one of those mom bloggers who doesnt find the time to blog, or maybe I'm so boring now or maybe my story is too painful for you. Either way, I understand. To those that have continued to support me - THANK YOU. Your friendship means so much to me.

***

To all my cross border friends, I wish you a very happy Thanksgiving.

-R.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Fun in the Sun

My first trip to Florida with LMI was a success. We had a fantastic time and I was so proud of myself for going with her when she was so little and without A no less. Both flights were fairly easy. The first she literally slept the whole time (don't breastfeed during take and landing if they're sleeping) and on the way home she was awake for about an hour and slept the rest. I admit i was totally stressed about flying with her, but it was easy. The hardest part was putting my stroller in the fits.just.so. travel bag for gate checking. 

My sister and I did a lot of research before going away so that we would be prepared and have all the items needed for a successful trip with a 10 month and 2 month babies. Here are some of the things we found that we liked:

Baby Hut - provided UV protection and was perfect for the beach or pool. It folded up flat so it was easy to pack and had lots of venting. 

 A travel exersauser - awesome. It can go anywhere and it has places to clip on toys and two cup holders. Also has a travel bag for easy travel. 

UV swimwear - there are many different brands. I bought this one because it came in very small sizes and covered arms and legs. I also bought this hat and it provided perfect sun protection. 

Sunscreen - there is controversy on this. My pedi recommends sunscreen if you are going to be in the sun. I put it on part of LMI that were exposed to the sun only, however that wasn't very often. 

Airplane toys - LMI was too you g and mostly slept, but my niece loved this. 

A sling- OMG I don't know what I would have done without this.  Its so easy and comfortable and LMI loves it. I also have the bjo.rn, but haven't used it yet. 

Also don't forget your comforts from home. We brought our white noise machine (although the waterfall by the pool worked too), swaddle blankets, muslin blankets, burp cloths and all the other items you will need. Make sure you have a way to give a bath if they cant sit on their own, i used this and it was perfect. 

All in all it was great to get away, but a totally different experience. As much as it was relaxing, I never just lay out. LMI never seemed to nap at the right times, but it didn't matter. Just being away was enough. 

***
LMI and I went to our first mom and baby fitness class. We sucked. I was an out of shape disaster that couldn't follow or keep up with the step class and she either slept or BARFED ALL OVER ME. Yay we are going to be a huge hit there. Lol. 

As well, LMI is now out of the cosleeper and in the bassinet (still in my room) and is sleeping 6-7 hours straight!

-R. 

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

First Trip

I'm sitting on the airplane with LMI snuggled into me in her sling (best thing ever) for our first trip together - amazing. I of course packed as if we were moving half way across the world even if we are only going to Florida for a week, but I want to be prepared. 

 This is my first real vacation in five years. Yes, I have been away, but IF treatments were always involved in some capacity. It was so nice not having to explain IVF to the Customs officer and not sneaking off to a secluded nook to shoot up. This time the ice pack was for breastmilk bottles, not Gonal F. Weird. 

I plan to enjoy the week in the sun and relax. LMI has her UV swimsuit and we are ready for the beach. The iPod is loaded up with Glee and we have our Weissbluth reading. 

See you in a week and happy Halloween! 

-R. 

Monday, October 24, 2011

2 Months

LMI had her two month check up today. I was a mess in anticipation of the vaccine shots - you remember me and needles. Needless to say, I was up most of the night worrying about it.

She's now upto 8lbs1oz and is 20.5", so growing and gaining well. I don't think she's on the growth charts yet, but she's on a steady incline so I'm happy with that.

She's smiling and laughing all the time now and it is the most amazing thing in the world to see. She's also becoming quite strong. She lifts her head up and turns from side to side. She even rolled over 3 times today (but her pedi thinks it was by mistake).

I am starting to learn her signs more clearly now and identify her different cries. It took me a while to realize that crying didn't = feed me...NOW. It has definitely been a learning curve for me.

The one part of today's visit that was concerning was her hip. Apparently it clicks. The dr asked if she was a breech birth (no) so, we need to investigate further. We will get an ultrasound done and then see if and what should be done. If you have any advice on this I'm all ears please.

The vaccine was much harder on me than on her. Yes, she cried like I have never heard before with huge tears streaming down her face, but after a few minutes (which seemed like an eternity, probably only 2 or 3) she was calm again. She is feeling pretty tired and is a different fussy than usual, but thankfully no fever yet.

LMI and I are taking our first trip together next week. We are heading to Florida for a week with my parents, sister and niece. I am so excited to get away and this will be my first vacation in YEARS that didn't revolve around my cycle, IF treatment or medication times. I can't wait. I am nervous for the flight as I have no idea what to expect. She will be ten weeks so again, advice is welcome.

LMI - I can't believe you're already two months old. You have grown so much and are becoming your own person. I love waking up and seeing your smiling face and watching you learn new things everyday. I love being your mommy and I love you with all my heart.

-R.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

32 and Other Things

I turned another year older on Sunday. Yup, 32. It felt different than my past four birthdays. I woke up and didnt instantly try to hide in bed, I was excited to see what the day would bring. Im not high matenance when it comes to birthdays, I hate being the center of attention so parties and large gatherings are not my scene - this year was no exception. It was a low key relaxing day at home with LMI and A followed by a family dinner at my parents. Perfect. The best part was my present from A. He got me the entire chocloate cake. The one from the Chee.secake Fac.tory, OMG it was freakin' awesome! The weirdest part of the day was the blowing out of the candles and making the wish. I have had the. Same wish for years now but it came true in August. This year's wish a bit more general. It was my first birthday as a mommy and it was perfect.

***

We all know what happens after the six week appointment...an appointment with your husband. I was so fucking scared to have sex, I literally lost sleep over it. I played out different scenarios about when, where and how and even came up with rules that A had to abide by (romantic right?).
1) know that it isnt going to feel good for me right now, but if we dont move past the pain, it will never get better. Dont ask if I'm ok every five minutes, it will burt and I know that.
2) the boobs are off limits. Seriously, they are still really sore and tender from BF that I am not intersted in bringing additional attention to that area.
3) This will not be romantic, just get in and out quick.

A was surprising fine with my neurotic rules and after a six month hiatus, the dry spell was over. Yup, we did the deed on my birthday. It wasnt nearly as bad as I was anticipating. Yes, it was uncomfortable, and there was NO deep penetration (sorry for the TMI), but with the help of some KY (a must), it was almost pleasurable. Afterwards, was a whole different story. I was sore...for hours. Not expecting that. It can only get better though. So happy I conquered that fear, it is an awful feeling to be scared o
To be intimate with your husband.

***

Along with the sex came a new set of anxiety for me. One that I thought was behind me and would stay away for a little longer. Yup, the TTC fears and stress are back. No, we are not actively trying for a second. I am so incredibly happy and feel fulfilled with LMI. I love waking up next to her in the morning, spending the day with her and putting her to sleep at the end of the day. Every smile she makes, literally makes my heart explode with love. Shes getting bigger and stronger everyday and I am savouring the moments. BUT, I know that in time I want more children. And if it is going to take another five years, then I want to get started now so no, we are not actively trying, but we will have unprotected sex and if nothing happens when we are seriously ready for another child, then back to CO we will go to use our embryos that our waiting for us. It is just a weird place to be in right now. On the one hand I am not ready to be pregnant again so I dont want to be, but on the other hand, I am and will be sad with each passing month of unprotected sex and nothing. IF sucks. I thought I was free from it, but this just reminds me that I am so not.

-R.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

LMI's Nursery

The furniture for the nursery finally arrived and we have spent the last few days organizing and putting stuff away. I am so happy with how it has turned out so far, and aside from the finishing touches on the walls, the room is done. I hope LMI loves her nursery and is as happy in it as I was designing it for her.

As promised, here are a few pics:


This is the chandelier (obviously), it's on a dimmer and at night when I rock her in the glider, it shows beautiful prism designs on the wall. Love it!


The furniture is from the Canadian company, Moth.er Hub.bard's Cup.board. The crib skirt is from my favourite - PBK. I am hoping to put up a wall decal from The.ee Hip Chi.cks (the clara) with LMI's name on it, over the crib.


The crystal knobs, just screamed girly girls room. Perfect little touches. We are hanging three 7x7 white frames with pictures from our photo shoot. I can't wait!



My favourite part of her room. I love spending time with LMI in my arms rocking her (in my not so pretty, but totally comfortable glider), reading her my favourite books (Rob.ert Mun.sch, Er.ic Car.le) or singing her some songs. The drapes and lamp are also from PBK. I am planning to put up some book shelves on the walls, and the yellow giraffe from the dresser will be book ends.

-R.

Friday, October 7, 2011

Finding My Place

When I first started blogging, it was because I needed support. We had just begun the egg donor process after countless IUI and IVFs and two chemical pregnancies, that i was looking for people who got what I was going through. Being young, there were not many people that had experienced IF in the same way as me and I found it hard to relate to the stories of their journeys this is not to say that I felt my pain was more profound, just different. I was desperate to find a connection to women who similar to me and I was lucky because I found that and so much more.

Sharing my story and reading yours provided me with the realization that I was not alone. Others had walked the same path as me and I learned so much from the strength and determination of you all. I quickly learned that IF sucks just as bad at 40 as it does at 30 and that I had a lot in common with women of all ages. I didnt feel so isolated. When many of you found success, I found myself truly happy and sharing your joy. When one had a loss, I was equally torn up and devastated for you.

I feel like I'm in purgatory right now. I'm again finding my place as a parent after IF and what that means for me and how I blog. Yes, I plan to continue because I still need you and my story is not over. We may have added a player, but our team is not complete. So please bear with me as I navigate my way through parenting after life crushing IF.

***

LMI is six weeks! I can hardly believe it. Like many of you said, it only gets better after six weeks. She is now sleeping in longer stretches at night (5hr, 4hr), shes becoming more aware of her surroundings and enjoyi g looking at her toys and the best by far is the smiling. OMG it is amazing. She had been almost smiling, or practicing, for a weekor so, and I wasnt really sure if she was doing it or not, but then right on her six week mark, she gave me two totally awesome, no douting what they are smiles. Melt my heart. She is also gaining weight like a champ - shes now upto 7lbs2oz and is gaining about 22g a day.

Breastfeeding is getting easier, but holy cow its hard work. I think this was the area I was most surprised about. People dont tell you how hard it is and so you feel alone. LMI is exclusively on the breast now unless I choose to give her a bottle. That in itself was a major accomplishment. Being small and under forty weeks, her sucking reflex and stamina were still developing so latching was a major issue. Its still not perfect, but it is waaaaaay better and not nearly as painful. Cracked nippkes suck. They hurt like hell and make you prone to other infections. Once my nipples healed, i got a yeast in my breasts, who ever heard of such a thing? Luckily, its not serious and was easily treated. It does that seem that its one thing after another though. Hopefuly now the trend will be moving in a more positive pain free direction.

***

I went for my six week post pardom check up. I was scared shitless about it. It was a piece of cake. I was able to avoid the pap as I had one earleir this year that was normal. Yay yay yay. I also got weighed and learned that i have lost all of my pregnancy weight and then some! Now I need to workon my IVF pounds. A and I talked it over and we decided that we are not going to use birth control. We are both so incredibly happy with LMI, but we would love more children so we feel that after all it took for her to get here, why prolong trying for a second. Tobe fair, you need to have sex to be trying and that is not happening any time soon. I'm way to scared for that. Our plan has always been to have unprotected sex for a year and if nothing, then go back to CO and use our embryos.

Emotionally I'm doing well. Almost to well, I was nervous that I had no signs of the hormone crash or baby blues that people talk about so I brought it up to the RN. She said that although it is common, it is not a guarentee and if it hasnt yet, it probably wont. A and I will still be on the lookout for signs of PPD, but right now I'm feeling pretty good.

***

Thanks for continuong to support me, this community is my family.

-R.

Friday, September 23, 2011

One Month

LMI turned one month old today, where did the time go? It has been an amazing journey getting to know her and learning to how to be a mommy. Life is pretty awesome right now, my beautiful daughter is sleeping beside me and my amazing husband is loving parenthood. What could be better?

Last weekend was a party in honour of LMI. Back in 2007 when A and I first started TTC we always thought we would have a small family gathering to introduce the child to the world. Well with our struggles and so many people supporting us along the way, that didnt seem fitting. So, we invited the entire world (ok not exactly but pretty darn close) and celebrated our miracle in style. It was AMAZING. A welcome everyone with the most touching speech. He started off explaining her name and the meaning it and who she was named after. Then the tears came when he read his poem. He started off by saying that he has been writing this poem since learning we were pregnant. Seriously. It was a touching pievpce about our journey and why we feel so blessed - it was comical and sentimental at the same time. There wasnt a dry eye in the room.

I think I was in a bit of a blur during the party. I have dreamed for so long of a moment just like that and it was finally here. It wasso surreal. People ask if i can believe that she is here and my answer is I believe that easier than believing that I was pregnant. Still cant quite wrap my head around that one. People were so incredibly generous, not just in terms of gifts, but more soin their heart felt sincerity of happiness for us. It was really touching.

Other than that my days are spent organizing LMI's stuff as she has acquired a lot since birth and getting her nursery ready for when her furniture will be delivered (hopefully next week). I promise to post pics once its done. I have also come to the realization that bad habits are awesome for right now. She loves the pacifier and is a much better sleeper when she is next to me so we bought a cosleeper. What an amazing invention. Life is pretty great right now.

I know that my exteme happiness may be difficult for some right now because of wher they are in their own IF hell journey and for that I am sorry. It is never my intent to cause someone pain.

-R.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Lucky Catch

A and I were looking through photos on the computer today of our journey to meet LMI. Wow was I skinny all those years ago when we first started. Seriously, very skinny...I forgot.

We initially started TTC in February 2006, and had our first RE appointment in October. The following June, for our anniversary, A surprised me with a beautiful Lin.ks of Lon.don Swee.tie bracelet fitted with two charms, an A and R. It was a much more expensive gift than we usually spend, but he knew that I needed something special to commemorate this extremely difficult time in our lives. Over the past years the bracelet has served as a reminder of our struggle. I look at it and am reminded back to the time where we were so ignorant and naive about the entire Infertility process and found hope in the little things - like a bracelet. Oh if only. As the treatments progressed and the years went on, the bracelet and my spirit began to dwindle. I no longer looked at it with the same eyes I once did. It now was a reminder of a dream that wasn't.

After our last failure this past November, I realized that I may never conceive and carry a pregnancy. It was a rough time as you all know. I remember being at the mall with my mom and passing the Links store. I felt like I needed a new charm to signify the end of one journey and the beginning of another. After carefully analyzing the charms, I found the perfect one, "lucky catch", an oyster with a pearl inside. Seeing as finding a pearl inside an oyster is extremely rare it is considered a good luck charm. I knew I had to buy it and add it to my bracelet. Not three weeks later a miracle happened. I was pregnant.

I do not think for one second that the charm or bracelet were responsible for this. But, you can't argue the timeline or significance. Today, all my charms serve as reminders of what I have been through and help me remember (as if I could forget) all that we struggled to meet LMI.

Eight days after her birth, A and I took her for a photo shoot. I leave you with this image of our lucky catch.

-R.

Monday, September 5, 2011

2 Weeks

Two weeks ago my whole world changed. I was in the hospital with the induction underway. LMI was born and in a way, so was I.

People keep telling me how happy I look, A says that I am the opposite of PPD and its true, I am happy. BUT, what was the perception of me before? How sad did I appear to the world? I thought I put up a great front in public, always smiling and trying not to let on just how devastated and emotionally disconnected I was, but I guess I wasn't as good an actress as I thought.

The last two weeks have been filled with the most extreme highs. Not one moment that I have spent with my daughter has been taken for granted. We have bonded and I am so in love with her - and my husband. I find myself still confused about how this all happened, but then I realize that its not important. She's here and my life is whole again.

-R.

Monday, August 29, 2011

The Last 6 Days

Please excuse both my absence and the use of bullets.

The last 6 days have been an absolute dream in ways I could have never imagined. I have learned many things, made many mistakes and had many wonderful moments.

Part 1: In the hospital

- I followed LisainSK's hospital packing list, but since being in the hospital for two extended stays I have a few additions:
* a mini fan if it will be nice weather
* towels - the hospital ones are teeny tiny
* eye mask and ear plugs, a MUST if you are in a shared room
* healthy snacks because hospital food sucks and you do get tired of eating junk food (assuming you don't have GD)

Part 2: All about labour and delivery

- The epidural rocks, but has some side effects that I was not prepared for:
* Some people (me) develop EXTREME itching. Literally I was clawing on my stomach, legs, breasts and arms during labour. Unfortunately there is not much that be given to ease this. It continued to last the remainder of the day even once the epidural wore off.
* Some people (me) develop the shakes. I liken it more †o being in an ice box, although no† feeling all †hat cold. It was more the chattering of lips and teeth and uncontrollable shaking. This wen† away after labour, but for some only starts after.
***Either way the epidural is a must.
- I was shocked that †he urge to push feeling felt like needing to go poo...INSTANTLY. When you push, if you visualize yourself in the bathroom, you will do fine.
- Baby's come out looking squished. I was scared for a moment†, but within a couple of hours she plumped up and †urned into a real cutie.

Part 3: The hospital stay

- Take advantage of the nurses, that's what they are there for.
- In our 4 day stay we learned so much; swaddling, feeding, diapering and overall caring for a baby - so helpful.
- Don't get discouraged if you don't get discharged right away, the longer the more secure you will hopefully be when its time to leave.

Part 4: Homecoming

- IT IS FUCKING HARD
- I have only had one breakdown since coming home on Friday, and it was within hours of getting home.
- Partner up. A and I discovered early on that things go a lot smoother and easier when we work together. This is the first time that I can remember where we are 100% all the time on the same page, i† is so nice and is making life so much easier.
- Limi† your visitors. We didn't do this and I am regretting it now. I'm exhausted. We spent the weekend entertaining family and friends. Even though I took it easy, I'm still exhausted.
- Seriously cannot recommend enough how important rest is. Take naps, it will be worth i†.

Part 5: Breastfeeding

- It sucks. Small and early babies tend to have difficulty. Don't get discouraged and don't blame yourself.
- LMI isn't latching so we are working with a lactation consultant through the hospital. We started off on 100% bottle fed with formula, added in finger tube feeding, breast pumping, and utilizing the aids out there...Med.eala nipple shield is FANTASTIC. It made it so easy for her that now we are doing great. According to our first paediatrician visit today, LMI has been stable with weight gain since leaving the hospital. We would like it †ΓΈ improve and she will continue to be monitored.

Part 6: What I learned

- The last five years were hell on earth, but without them we would not have our LMI and she is the best thing that ever happened to us. Don't get me wrong, I don't understand why we needed to endure so much anxiety, hardship, devastating losses and failed cycles, but at least now, from where I stand, I would do it all again (and may have too) to have another chance of becoming a mom again.
- You will find strength you didn't know existed inside you when you care for your child.
- Your heart will explode with the amount of love you have for your little one.
_ Everything in life worth getting, is worth fighting for.

LMI - thank you for making me the happiest mommy on the block. I love you so much!

-R.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Welcome to the World LMI!!!

Little Miss IT (aka LMI as she will continue to be known as here) was born on Tuesday, August 23rd at 2:33pm weighing a whopping 5lbs2oz!

On Monday A and I went to our scheduled OB appointment and growth scan. At the ultrasound she was officially declared IUGR weighing 5lbs2oz, it placed her at below the 10th percentile. I knew from that moment that we would be meeting her very soon. The OB agreed and called to have me put on the induction list. He told me I would get a call within the next 24hrs and would need to be ready to get to the hospital. I would not be going home again. A and I were starving from being at the hospital for so long that we decided to have lunch in the hospital cafeteria before heading home. We ran into my long time friend and staff OB at the hospital who by fluke happened to be on call on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. I told her my situation and she immediately called the L+D floor to see what my timing would be. We were 2nd on the list (its based on priority) so she estimated at least 4 hours.

So what do you do? We went home, and I met my sister-in-law for a mani/pedi session (they were already chipped from last week and wanted the extra pampering). I knew that at anytime I could be called, even though it was unlikely, so I paid before I got started. The manicure felt like it took forever. My nails came out great, I got a french manicure in the shellac polish so it would last and then got settled for my favourite part, the pedicure. I had my feet soaking in the tub and she had just finished filing the nails when, you guessed it, I got THE CALL. I told the manicurist that I needed to leave asap and could she please polish my toes as quickly as possible. Of course, I chose a colour in the red family (Jewish tradition wards off evil and bad things) Cajin Shrimp and quickly left with A for the hospital.

We checked into triage around 415pm and I was brought in within a few minutes. My friend was the OB who checked me - not dialated at all and started the rippening of my cervix. At 500pm she inserted the Cer.vadril, worst part was the internal, and at 600pm I was brought into a room to wait. By 1130pm I was feeling menstraul like cramping so I was brought to
L+D where I would stay. The Cer.vadril usually takes 12-24hrs to work so I was checked at 515am, but I had made little to no progress. The cramping was getting pretty uncomfortable and at 845am I begged to be rechecked and yup, 3-4cm dialed which meant they were able to get the party started. As soon as the Cer.vadril was taken out, the cramping lessened. I then asked for some time to process before getting the epidural.

At 1100am I was given the epidural and my water was broken at 1130am. I was really scared for the epidural and to be honest, there was some pain that felt almost like a pinched nerve, but it was short lived and totally worth it. I was then given the Oxc.tocin to bring on labour at 1230pm and it didn't seem to be working at first. I was told that I would dialate 1cm every 1-2hrs. Well, within an hour and half I felt the sensation of "having to shit" and told the nurse. Although unlikely she thought I should be checked just to see where I stood - I was 10cm, no one expected it. The dr on call (my friend was in surgery) left to go stitich someone back and my nurse, A and I started pushing. I was told for a first time mom it can take 1-2hours...14 minutes later with a tiny 1st degree tear, my daughter was born!

She was perfect, healthy and over 5 pounds. My dreams have come true. I have never been more in love or in awe in my life. The rest is a bit of blur right now, but life is great. A and I could not be happier right now. She is truly a miracle.

-R.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Last Minute Reflections

If you knew it was probably your last weekend at home with just you and your husband, how would you spend it?

Its a weird place to be, knowing your child will be entering the world in the imminent future. To be fair, we have been on LMI alert since 34w when I was told about her growth issues and the fact that my other medical issues (GD, high BP) are playing a serious role in her development. So for the past three weeks, I have worked HARD to speed up getting my shit together so that I would be ready to finally meet her.

This weekend was spent relaxing. Aside from my mandatory 24hr urine collection where for obvious reasons I was tied to my bathroom, A and I really didn't do much. It was nice. We had our last "official" sleep in on Saturday, spent most of the day in pajamas and I parked myself on the couch watching Fo.od Net.work and working like a mad woman on LMI's monogrammed needlepoint pillow (so close to being finished).

My house is starting to look like a baby could live there. Our furniture still has not arrived and we don't expect it until the end of September, but we were loaned a bassinet so we have a place for her to sleep when she first comes home, we have some washed preemie and newborn sized sleepers and clothes and a ton of receiving blankets, washcloth/towels and swadling blankets. Needless to say we have stuff and are physically ready.

Emotionally? That's another story. I have been in some serious denial about this whole pregnancy thing. I never truly believed that I would be having a baby of my own - especially not by me being pregnant from my own egg. Its still truly amazing and such a miracle. Because of this denial, I haven't given any thought to HOW this baby will be entering the world. I'm scared. Scared of an epidural/spinal (although I believe 100% in heavy meds), scared of the pain management not working and scared of a C-Section. Just plain scared. Shitless. But, after all I have been through and suffered through I know I can do this. I will be hard, but I can do it.

The countdown to meeting my daughter is on, it won't be long now...

I honestly can't thank you all enough for the love and support you have shown me throughout my journey thus far. I'm not done with blogging, and promise to not disappear, I will continue to be a source of support to all of you as you have all been for me. THANK YOU ALL!

-R.

Friday, August 19, 2011

Holy Shit...

... There is a car seat installed in MY car

Since being released from the hospital last week, I have been feeling mostly ok. Yes, the headaches are still in full effect, but I'm taking Ty.lenol every 4-6 hours and adding a codeine tablet at night. It helps. My anxiety is more under control in terms of being alone. I'm comfortable with that, except for taking showers and sleeping. Luckily it hasn't been a problem.

The problem I'm having is with my blood pressure. Its on a steady incline, with variable highs both at home and at OB. Yesterday it was 150/88 and that was after sitting and resting and knowing that the NST and BPP ultrasound were both great. I was really afraid that I would be readmitted. Thankfully this wasn't the case.

I'm to go back tomorrow for PIH blood work and to pick up a container for a 24hr urine collection (to be done Sunday/Monday) and then return to the OB on Monday morning to decide which day of THAT week we are going to deliver!

Yup, next week I will be a mom. I will finally meet Little Miss IT and I am thrilled and scared to death. A's in shock. Although we knew the possibility that she would be coming early, now that its a reality its pretty overwhelming. We are prepared - materialistically and emotionally. I think we both (especially me) are in denial that an actual baby is coming home to live with US.  We are both just so happy that I will be 37w on Sunday and LMI will be considered full term.  Holy shit!

-R.

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Home Sweet Home

After morning rounds yesterday I was discharged. Overal I was extremely happy to be able to go home, breathe fresh air and have some indepence back - but there is a part of me that is scared.

Over the past couple of days I haven't been feeling all that great. My pulse feels like it is pumping so fast (when readings show high 80s - low 90s, not so fast for me), my headache is getting worse and I feel hazy like I'm drugged or something. I was checked out very carefully before leaving the hospital and they told me there was nothing seriously wrong with me or LMI so home we went. Have any of you felt similar symptoms at the end of your pregnancies?

Because I'm not feeling 100%, I'm scared to be alone. I font feel stable on my feet and I'm worried. A picked me up from the hospital, but had to work late last night so I slept at my parents' house because of the fear. He has to leave the house crazy early tomorrow morning for work, so again I'll sleep out (at my sister) because I'm uncomfortable being alone. I hope that after a few days away from the hospital and the extra attention I will be ok again.

The entire time I was in the hospital I was so focused on my appearance. I kept thinking that I was going to meet my Little Miss for the first time with dark roots, hairy legs and sharp toe nails. Not the first impression I want to make. I think I was so obsessed with this because it was out of my control - it was on my to do list, but might not have been checked off. Getting a wax and mani/pedi almost immediately yesterday was the first thing I did. My hair will be early next week. I'm not taking any more chances or playing with time.

For the immediately future I will be monitored closely. I was given specific instructions for when to return to the hospital and will continue with weekly BPP ultrasounds and growth scans every two weeks. If at any point me or LMI are not doing well, then its game time and I will be induced. At this point, I'm 8 days from full term so I'm really hoping we can make it that far.

My plan until she arrives is to rest and take it easy. We have a few more things to finish, but if I do a task a day, it should all work out. I promise to post nursery pics when finished, but it is turning out better than expected!

Thanks again for the support, as always your words comfort me in the tough times.

-R.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Update - New Info

All I have in me right now is bullet points, sorry.

- I'm still in the hospital, at least for now. I've had daily NST monitoring and they have all come back within the normal range, phew!

- I was moved to a private room on Saturday and that has made all the difference. I'm now getting sleep.

- My GD has been acting funny since I was admitted. I've had two hypoglycemic episodes, which have been scary. Yesterday my blood sugar dropped so low that i was instructed to drink juice ASAP, eat and then retest. I felt so faint and dizzy, but luckily, the protocol helped and I felt better relatively quickly, but boy was it scary.

- They bumped up my growth scan to this morning and LMI has gained a pound in two weeks! She now weighs 4lbs12oz and is up from the 16th to the 19th percentile. I won't know what this means for her until later today/tomorrow as the staff dr needs to review the scan. I think the imminent delivery scare is over, but she will be closely watched for sure. I have no idea what the plan is in terms of me staying here or being discharged and I have mixed feelings about it.
PRO:
- It would be AWESOME to go home, sleep in my own bed, shower and be home finishing up my last minute things
- I would have more flexibility and be able to get some fresh air

CON:
- 95% of the time I am stable, but for that time when I am not, it is very reassuring to be here
- I'm being so closely monitored that nothing will slip through the cracks
- I will be seen as an outpatient 3 times a week by my OB and this will be frustrating and hard - especially since I don't drive

So I guess time will tell what the plan is for me and Little Miss IT. I will update more later. thank you for the thoughts and well wishes, they are so needed and really help brighten the day. Today is 35w3d, I never thought I would reach this milestone, let's ee how far we can get!

Here is the information from morning rounds today:
- drs happy with growth ultrasound, baby doing well

- having an MRI as soon as possible to investigate headaches, ruling out random things - we all expect it to be normal

- once MRI results are back and normal, I will be discharged

- regular monitoring of me and baby as out patient

- if at anytime me or baby not doing well, babys coming out

- won't let me go past 39 weeks

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Admitted

In anticipation for today's OB appointment, I packed my hospital bag last night. I didn't actually think I was going to need it, but thought that it was probably time to have it ready to go.

I needed it today. I arrived at the hospital around 830am and had my first appointment at 10. I met with my new BP dr who wasn't concerned about me and discharged me to the GD for monitoring as I was not deemed to have high blood pressure. Yay, score 1 point for R!

My OB appointment was scheduled for 2pm, so at the hospital I waited. It wasn't too bad though as I have a couple of friends on staff here that helped me pass the time.
My first test was the NST. It didn't go so well. Apparently, when you are in labour the baby's hour drops during a contraction and then rises again after. If you're not in labour, this shouldn't happen - of course it happened to me.

I then went on the ultrasound where I scored perfect on the BPP, but it wasn't enough for my OB to be happy. He admitted to the hospital for monitoring for at least two days.

I have also been having some bad headaches and vision issues lately so I'm also on the pre eclampsyia watch. 24 hour urine = fun times.

Right now, I'm settled and calmer. It was a bit of a whirlwind day, but LMI and I are doing well and hoping we can stay together like this for a little while longer.

Today I am 34w4d...

-R.

Sunday, July 31, 2011

A Camera

When A and I got married seven years ago, we were gifted with a So.ny Cyb.ershot digital camera. We have had the same camera ever since. Back when we got it, it was an awesome camera. We took it on our honeymoon and used it when ever the opportunity for pictures has come up, however as with all technology, it is now much out dated, slow and doesn't have the capability of capturing all the spontaneous moments. Needless to say, for years now, my technology snob husband has been dying for a new camera.

A camera to me (as like most technology) is just an item. I am just as happy to use my BB camera or A's i.Phone camera as I am to use a high end SLR - not that I would even know how to use an SLR. But for A, it has been his dream since we started talking about TTC that we would one day get a new camera. When we were still in the honeymoon of trying to start our family, I allowed us to have conversations about cameras and other baby related items that we may need, but as the treatments kept failing, the years kept passing and the devastation kept building, the word camera would literally send me over the edge.

Camera became the blanket term used to describe our dreams of family. When A brought up the idea of getting a new camera, I would find myself enraged because from where I stood, I couldn't ever really picture myself needing a camera. I think it was around the time when we first decided to go to CO for treatment where the word camera was officially banned from our vocabulary. It was just too sore of a subject to be brought up.

This weekend we were once again gifted with a camera. It is a new, fast, SLR camera ready to capture all those precious moments that we have dreamed of for so long. As I watched my husband tear open the box I likened him to how I picture a kid on Christmas morning. Overly excited, emotional and ecstatic. You see, for us, a camera is not just a camera..its what it represents.

34 weeks today and waiting not so patiently to finally meet my beautiful little girl, Little Miss IT.

-R.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Seriously?

I'm going to loose my mind, seriously I don't know how much more stress I can take. I had an OB appointment today and Little Miss IT is not growing appropriately. She has dropped to the 16th%ile and has fallen below our growth chart curve. Right now we are in a holding pattern. Weekly ultrasounds to monitor fluid and blood levels with non stress tests thrown in, but growth ultrasounds every two weeks. If at any time, her growth is not making progress I will be officially diagnosed with IUGR and she will be taken out. My dr predicted in two weeks. Two weeks! Holy shit.

My head is spinning right now. I was not prepared for this. I was planning on a huge baby, because, hey, that's what happens with GD, um not the other direction. I shouldn't be shocked or even surprised by this. I mean, of course I'm going to get all the complications. I shouldn't be surprised.

I asked my dr if the growth issue could be related to DS and he said yes, but not likely. Apparently, babies with DS usually have a small abdominal growth, LMI issues is her head. He told me again that it's not too late for the amnio, but my reasons for not doing it the first time, are still valid and so we will just wait it out,but it's getting so fucking hard to get these thoughts out of my head - especially now.

I'm stressed and I know that it is not healthy for me or LMI, so I trying really hard to just live in the moment and relax. A is totally on board with this attitude and he is doing everything in his power to help me remain calm. We are even going to spend Saturday afternoon at the spa and then go for a nice dinner. I'm really looking forward to that.

I still feel so incredibly blessed that I even have these worries to stress about, but seriously, how much more do I have to take? All I want is a healthy baby, is that really too much to ask for?

-R.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Sorry for the Absence

I'm still here, reading and commenting on all your stories, but for some reason haven't felt much like posting here. Not really sure why. Maybe it's because Im not really sure what to write about, or maybe it's that I can't admit to myself what I want to write about. Either way, I've been quiet.

Things on the pregnancy front having been moving along. Since reaching 32 weeks last Sunday, I am now feeling movement more frequently and intensely. I am not at the point where I can distinguish a kick from a hiccup or an arm from a leg, but can surely tell when a hard body part is poking me. I still find the movement kind of creepy. I mean when you think of it, it. But, it is has also helped me bond more with my Little Miss. I continue to have regular ultrasounds (thank you OB) and it is so amazing to see the change in LMI from week to week. She's now weighing over 3.5 pounds, but just like her mom is still pretty petite. The GD is the only issue giving me a real kick in the pants right now. To be honest it sucks. I am following the diet and exercising daily, but it's not working. After my first week on the Met.formin I was put on insulin. We all knew this was going to happen. I started out at 3 shots a day at the lowest dose, I'm now up to 4 shots a day with regular increasings. I feel like a failure. I am doing everything that they Drs and dietitian say, but still my body is not responding. I'm hungry all the time, but can only eat in 2 hour increments because I need to have accurate testings of my blood sugar. It is a lot harder than I anticipated and although I know that this is what I need to do for LMI to be healthy and I'm doing it, it really sucks.

We have also made some progress on the nursery! The room was cleaned out on the weekend and the first coat of paint was done on Monday. It already looks and feels so different. I'm hoping the stripes get done today or tomorrow and thence can begin hanging the drapes and chandelier. The furniture won't be here until the end of September, but I'm excited that at least this part will be complete. Once it's finished I will definitely post some pics. As we were deciding on furniture and placement, we moved a large office chair into the room to act as a glider. I find myself sitting in that chair and visualizing what it will be like to sit and cuddle with LMI in her beautiful nursery. The images are powerful and overwhelming. I'm starting to get really excited to meet her and begin the long overdue next chapter of our lives.

I'm freaking nervous. About everything, but mostly about LMI. It is never far from my mind that she may have DS. I worry about her and her quality of life. I worry about me and A and how we are going to handle it and I worry about myself and the initial reaction that will happen. Please don't judge me, if you haven't been in this place, you can't possible understand. A and I are committed to her and will love her NO MATTER WHAT, but we also know that it will be our biggest challenge yet. We have no new evidence to imply that she has DS and in fact, all of our ultrasounds show her to be perfect (which she will be regardless), but the worry is never far from my mind. Unlike my usual self, I haven't really allowed myself to google and research a ton on this. Maybe I'm in denial, or maybe it's because in my heart I believe everything will be ok, whatever the reason now that we are so close to finally meeting her, I'm scared. It's hard for me to talk about this with A or anyone else, because people just don't worry, or it will be fine, but the truth is no one knows.

That's basically where I'm at right now. Feeling movement, getting super excited and being anxious at the same time.

-R.

***

This is a conversation that my sis had with her fertile friend yesterday, hope it gives you the same laugh it gave me:

Sis: how's so-and-so doing, is she pregnant?
Friend: no, actually she's been having some trouble, she has to start clomidya next month
Sis: I think you mean clomid
Friend: hay, I knew that didn't sound right

Oh to be an ignorant fertile, LOL.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

What's a Baby Step?

I seem to have crossed over from doing absolutely nothing, to instant nursery and other items. I know complete 360. This past weekend A and I ventured into the world of baby shopping. We hit a total of five stores in two days and have made almost all decisions. As of now, we ordered our nursery furniture (white crib, dresser and night table from Moth.er Hubb.ard - Canadian comp.), chose a glider (white wood glider with yellow padding from Be.st Ch.air - MTL this is SO nit my style either, but due to my height it was the most comfortable ;)), settled on the stroller (Up.pa Ba.by) and car seat (Gra.co). I also picked a dark purple paint colour for the walls, ordered drapery from PBKids and found an amazing yellow and purple stripe crib sheet from Ser.ena and Li.ly. Wow, it was exhausting, but we had some fun too.

I must be nesting because I was in overdrive. Yes, A was the one who felt we needed to get everything done (as did many of the furniture stores), but I'm impressed that I actually did it without falling apart or hyperventilating.

A has been so cute these past few weeks, his excitement is really coming through and I love that. When we bought our house, I did ALL the decorating without so much as an opinion from him, now he wants to be involved in every decision, not because he doesn't trust me, but because he's so excited.

I also realized that we are so completely unprepared for bringing home a baby so I have started doing some research. I inquired about enrolling in an infant CPR course, but the offered through my hospital is at the end of August so that won't work. Apparently they offer the class through other hospitals so I will see if we can do it that way (I also am going to find out about a private option too). Aside from this, we are still committed to forgoing the prenatal class, however I am leaning towards getting my hands on a good book. I'm looking for something that will cover everything I need to know from labour and beyond - suggestions are SO welcome.

That's where things stand for now, making progress and starting to get used to the idea that pretty soon LMI is coming!

-R.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

All About GD

I had my first of many appointments with my new OB Endo (Dr Endo). We went over my 3 GD tests and it was officially confirmed that I am indeed, gestationally diabetetic.

She spent time taking my history, looking over my sugar readings from the past week and then as I suspected spoke the magic words...you.need.insulin. My fear has come to life. Luckily for me, I had already begun researching other options and asked about Met.formin (my favourite of all IF drugs), she was quite receptive to the idea and we decided to give it a try. I am to take 2 pills (breakfast and dinner) everyday for a week while maintaining my GD diet with each meal followed by at least 10 min of walking or other exercise. We will re asses in a week and may push me to 3 pills a day (however I suspect that if zero improvement is shown, then I will be on insulin faster than I can say, I hate needles).

Dr. Endo also asked about my weight gain, so far at 30w3d I have put on 20 pounds. She said that is right on target. An average weight person needs to put on 20-30 pounds total during pregnancy and she will be monitoring my weight very closely for the remainder.

I have come to terms, unwillingly but none the less with my GD. It definitely sucks, but after all that I have been through to finally get to this place, its not the end of the world and I am going to suck it up and deal.

So enough about my GD, here's the important info for those that may find themselves in a similar situation:

- failing the one hour glucose test does not mean a GD diagnosis - many people pass the extended test

- you are a higher risk for developing GD if you:
* a previous diagnosis of GD or delivery of a large baby
* being a member of a high risk population - Aboriginal, Hispanic, South Asian, Asian and African descent
* being 35 years or older
* being obese
* a history of PCOS
(I met none of this criteria, so don't think you are automatically spared)
- the first course of treatment is diet and lifestyle changes.
* daily exercise, especially after each meal
* eating 3 meals a day combined with snacks between meals
* eating a bedtime snack (most important snack)
* counting carbs - limiting the amount of carbs per meal

- you may be required to check and monitor you glucose levels (I check 4x a day). This is done by a finger prick and is not painful

- if diagnosed with GD you have a 1/5 chance of developing Diabetes Type 2 within 8 years, therefore regular monitoring and lifestyle/diet changes should be continued

- there are different drug treatment options available and you should speak with your Dr on what is appropriate for you

- the dietitian told me about the 'pizza theory', basically even if you portion out the carbs exactly, use low fat cheese and whole grain crust, you will still get a high reading. Therefore - pizza not the best option for a GD diet.

- the most important: YOU DID NOT CAUSE GD. It is directly related to your hormones and how much insulin your pancreas is producing. Eating shit food while pg did not cause this.

- I am working on some new lower carb recipes and thinking of some higher protein non-meat related snacks, if you have any ideas I would love to hear them.

-R.

(Please remember that I am not a medical professional, just passing along the info I received.)

Sunday, July 3, 2011

The Big 3-0

My 27th birthday was spent waiting in anxiousnanticipation for my consult with the RE after nine months of unprotected sex. My 28th birthday was spent hopeful that each IUI would bring me closer to a pregnancy. My 29th birthday was spent at the IVF clinic on the operating table for my first IVF retrieval. I remember the RE and nursing staff singing me happy birthday as the pain meds were only starting to kick in AFTER the procedure. I went home that day full of hope because surely, IVF works for everyone on their first try? My 30th birthday was spent in depression. I had just failed my fourth IVF, first one at the world famous, you doesn't get knocked up here, CC.RM, which was also my last ever cycle with my own eggs. As if that wasn't enough, turning thirty then seemed like a death sentence in terms of fertility. My last birthday - 31 was spent recovering from a miscarriage while gearing up for my last FETbegore signing on to use a GC. Last last 4+ years have totally sucked. So much so that I no longer wait for my birthday or wish it so, the numbers get bigger and the pain is still real.

Today marks a new day. I turned 30 weeks pregnant today. It was the first time in a long time where seeing a thirty didn't piss me off, send me over the edge to a depression or cause a hormonally induced anger fit. It felt awesome. This is starting to get real now. A and I are slowly dipping our feet in the we need to get shit before this baby comes pond. We took a first step last week. We walked into a Bab.ies R Us store to have a quick peak. Holy shit. To say that I was a little overwjhelmed would be an understatement. A. was in his dream world happier than a pig in shit to finally be looking at stuff for us, while I was terrified. But we did it. We managed to pick a stroller (Up.pa Ba.by Vis.ta - orange) and have decided that when the time is right, we will start a registry there.

We haven't really done a thing to get our house ready for Little Miss IT. Her nursery will be in A.'s office so we need to clear out his stuff, and get the room fixed nice and pretty. I'm thinking of doing dark purple walls (with a mat/high gloss stripe) and white furniture. I'm planning to accent with yellow. Any paint choice suggestions from Ben.jamin Moo.re are appreciated! Ats as far as I've gotten. I have NO idea where we are going to buy the crib and dresser from, or get bedding or anything else that she may need. We haven't started investigating carseats or other infant care monitors and if (please no) she came today, we would be completely unprepared.

Over the last few days I have been getting myself accustomed to the idea that I need to step up my involvement. Not just for me, but for A. He is so looking forward to decorating a nursery (not because he gives a shit about decor or paint, but for the other obvious reason) that I need to do this for him, for me and for LMI. Maybe this change is happening because with all the other shit that has happened out of my control, this is the one area where I can be prepared, or maybe because she seems to be waaaaay more a drive than before and it is hard to ignore (not that I want to) or maybe hitting 30 weeks is making this rel as she coming in the next two months and time will move fast. Whatever the reason, I'm getting excited.

***

On a separate note, I am SO FUCKING THRILLED for LisainSK and her hubby A on the safe arrival of LN10. If you haven't done so already, p,ease go wish them a huge congrats.

***

I have so much more to say about my GD, but will wait until after my appointment with endo dr, but thanks for all the love and support.

-R.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Silver Lining

"you have to be gestational to have gestational diabetes" -my mom

Today was a bad day. It was actually one of the worst days I've had in a long time - for sure since learning about I was pregnant. None the less IT SUCKED. I am definitely loosing it, my hormonal lows are beginning to take over and I find myself spending a lot of time crying. (Don't worry, I fully intend to discuss this with SJ tomorrow.).

I attended my first GD class today. There were three of us, I was the youngest and also the only 'intolerant' one. The first thing the nurse said was that no matter what younwere told, you are ALL here because younhave GD and we treat all of you the same. Fuck fuck fuck. The talked about the impact of carbs on the diet and why it is important to maintain appropriate glucose levels and yadda yadda yadda. As the nurse continued to talk, I became overwhelmed. So much so that at two different occasions she stopped talked, directed everyone's attention towards me and asked ifi was ok. I managed to reply yes both times, however in reality I just thinking about was supposed to be done with all this shit - at least for now. My body had failed me yet again (I don't meet any of the criteria to make someone likely to develop GD) and the emotions that came with that realization are to powerful to explain. I am suffocating in self hatred and loathing right now.

When it came time to learning to use my new link, On.e Tou.ch insulin reader, I started to panic. Ok, it's not exactly a needle, but in my FIVE years of IF treatment I have given myself exactly ZERO injections. Until today. I am to test (prick, jab, inject, make bleed, etc) my finger four times a day and record the levels. I am alsos to follow a super strict diet and record everything I am eating. These will be reviewed at my meetings with the dr every two weeks. I feel like I am setting myself up for failure. Like I'm being judged.

I can do this. Of course, sacrifice is my middle name, but pregnancy eating and cravings (not that I have those too often or indulge that often) is the ONLY NORMAL pregnancy thing I did and now even that has been taken away. It just sucks.

A. If you are reading this, I know what I want as a pushing present (a concept that would normally be omitted in our household) a piece of that chocolate cake from The Chee.secake Fact.ory. Not joking.

I know that I am more than blessed to be experiencing a pregnancy and with my genetics to boot, but I seriously can't take anymore stress. Something's gotta give. Today is 29w3d, at this point I hope it make to 36.

At least my mom is right, you have to be gestational to have gestational diabetes. As long as I remember that, I will be ok.

-R.

Monday, June 27, 2011

The V.iew on Surragcy

This past Friday, the theme for The V.iew was all about surrogacy. I immediately needed to watch to see how they would present the issue as in the past I have not been too pleased with their infertility coverage. Gui.liana Ra.ncic co-hosted and in my opinion did a really good job of putting a public personal face to what real women go through with infertilty. Whoo.pi Gol.dberg began the show by telling the audience that "surrogacy is the new trend in trying to start a baby". To me, the word trend is offensive. People that use surrogacy tonhelp build their families do so because they cannot do it Nother way. It is not the cool thing to do or the in thing, so the word trend was an inappropriate choice.

What I loved about Guil.iana was her openess. Not five minutes into the show she was asked point blanks, if she has considered adoption or surrogacy. Her response was great. She spoke about how it is natural for most people to want a biological baby and that until the Drs tell her thereis a medical reason that it won't work, they will keep trying. She also alluded to the fact that both adoption and surrogacy are not easy answers and are no guarentee. I thought she handled herself well.

Next was She.rri She.pard who when it comes to infertility rubs me the wrong way. For someone who conceived a son through IVF, she sure needs a refresher course on correct terminology. Apparently she is now debating having a second child and has looked into surrogacy, her response was that it is crazy expensive. Ok, it is, but it seems a bit insincere coming from a million dollar tv host.

Eliz.abeth Hass.elback was good. She went right to the hard question for Guil.iana of how infertility has affected her marriage. This brought light to the fact that IF sucks and is hard on a marriage and the people involved.

There were three different stories of surrogacy shared on the show. One from an AMA mother who used a surrogate, one from a family where the mother carried her daughter's triplets and one from the 'Twiblings' article from earlier this year. All three stories brought different perspectives. When I read the article, "Meet the Twiblings" I was immediately impressed and fascinated by the idea and the family that was created. I got a different vibe after seeing them. I must say that I have nothing but huge admiration and respect for the mother. Her vision of using donors and a GC to help create her family was thought out, carried forth with her vision and seems to work for them - it is POLAR OPPOSITE to my views. When A. and I first discussed using a donor, we immediately decided that we wanted an anonymous donor. True, we were not given any viable and heart felt offers, but either way we knew for us, we needed it to be this way. The egg is one part of the equation. It's a big part - the genetics part and it took me a long time to grieve that loss, but once I finally did I knew this was what was right for us. We felt similar about approaching a GC. I wanted to be a part of every detail of her pregnancy, but once MY child was born, it's a see you later kind of situation. Again, you know that I struggled with feelings relating to needing both an egg donor and GC at 31,but you also know that once I was on the path, I didn't look back.

The "Twiblings" are different. They have made their donor and GCs a part of the family. What an incrediblle gift for their children! The carriers are the aunts and the donor is loving referred to as the Fairy God Donor. Love this. I wish I was confident and secure enough to allow this wonderful people I to my life after, but I am not. I don't want the reminder. I want to put that part behind me.

No matter how you would raise your family and the different choices we make, it was a really good representation of the different situations that surrogacy can take. I recommend anyone that is thinking about, using or have used third party assistance to watch the show.

*I know I haven't talked about it much or at all lately, but our plan remains the same as before. The DE embryos waiting for us are our children and we will be using them with me or a GC when the time is right.

-R.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

This and That

Teaching students is officially over for the year and for me, for the next 14 months! Holy crap. Tomorrow is my last official day at school, but I may need to finish up a few things so may still be 'working' here and there. I also told my replacement that I am available to trouble shoot or help with her transition so I will still have my feet in the work pool for a bit.

It was totally weird cleaning out my office. Yes, I have switched jobs a lot in the past few years, but this was different. I had to sort through my stuff to see what I would like to take home vs keep for my return. Weird. Everyone on staff has been so supportive and warm towards me. I have briefly mentioned that it took A LOT to get to this point so people are just thrilled. I have had an amazing professional year and I am having some bitter sweet moments about being off.

Next week A. and I will celebrate our 7th anniversary. If you remember last year, we were in a very dark and bad place and we chose to ignore it. This year is different. We are stronger than ever (not because of the pg, but because of the m/c and the work we did after) and are looking forward to the next chapter of our lives. At our wedding, we had two songs. One which we danced to and one where A. sang to me. He sang, "How Sweet It Is" by James Taylor. We both love his music and it was a really special moment for us at the wedding. So Saturday night, we are going to see James Taylor in concert and will reminisce about the past 7 years and how far we have come. When I think about all that we have endured over the years, I get both upset and proud. It has been hard. Very hard to say the least. We have struggled with money, infertility, our relationship has been tested, but at the end of the day, we made it to the other side. We are strong and in love and ready to take on anything that life throws at us.

Today (28w4d) was my final GTT test. I was worried going in that I would be diagnosed with Gestational Diabetes, but luckily, I am only Glucose Intolerant (I failed 1/3 sections). What this means, remains unclear at the moment. I still need to consult with the Endocrinologist, but we are hoping with diet changes that this will be easily managed. As well, it was decided today that I am no longer able to drive. Being 4"10 and with a large belly, I sit too close to the wheel (almost touching) that it is better for me to be the passenger. I knew this was going to happen, I just thought I had a few more weeks of freedom. At least tomorrow is the last day of work and then I can relax and be chauffeured around!

My final thought for today is a shout out to my friend MTL who is on her way to get her beautiful babies! I am so happy tears literally fill my eyes when I think about them.

-R.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

What a Weekend

This was the busiest I have been in a long time. Almost every minute was planned out, which was both so nice and exhausting at the same time. It started on Saturday with A.'s cousin's Bat Mitzvah. It was so weird being the pregnant lady in the room. People would come over to me and ask me questions and I played the role well. I smiled, said how excited I am and participated in simple pregnancy banter. I did not let on, how scared shitless I am about the pregnancy or the potential complications that are looming over us. Now that I am clearly showing with a big round belly, it feels a bit like an open invitation for people to ask questions - no matter how relevant or give their advice - especially when unsolicited. I guess this is to be expected and I should just get over it. Ok.

It was then off to my parents' house to help my mom prepare for my dad's 60th birthday. We had a family BBQ party and it was a truly special evening. We prepared a slideshow of his life as well as a song, and my extended family wrote a poem. It was really touching. The best par to of the evening was my dad's speech. You should know that he lives to talk and is quite the pro at speeches, but this time was different. He seemed vulnerable. Maybe it was reflecting on his life ot thinking about his future, either way it was special. But I did again see my dad tear up when talking about my soon to be daughter. It is not a secret that we struggled to get pregnant from my extended family, but it also isn't an open book, so I knew why he was so emotional, but probably the other guests didn't notice. None the less, it is another reminder of wanted this baby is to so many people.

Today was filed with Father's Day cheer. We had brunch with my family and again the focus was on my BIL and his first Father's Day. I will admit, that it was much easier to take than Mother's Day, but still difficult at times. The hardest part was remembering last year, when we had learned about our miscarriage and my sister announced her pregnancy to the family. Hard does not describe that memory. I am trying not to dwell on that which I cannot change, but in the last couple of weeks I have found myself retracing old blog posts and going back to those darker days - not really sure what it's about, but it's a need of mine right now.

This afternoon was spent in the kitchen preparing for a Father's Day BBQ for A.'s dad and his sister and BIL. Incant remember the last time I spent hours in the kitchen and boy did my body take notice. I felt like at times I needed to sit down just to catch my breath or release some of the back stress, but it all got done. Everyone enjoyed the meal and had a good time.

Overall, this weekend was much needed to rlace the horrific memories from last year. Sure, we are still not parents, but at least this year we are closer than ever. What a difference a year makes.

***

Today marks 28 weeks or the beginning of the third trimester! It is a huge milestone and I am now starting to believe that this is going to happen. I am hoping that Little Miss IT makes her appearance in 10 weeks, and when you think about it, thats not that far away. After a lot of discussion with A. and some friends and family, we have decided against the prenatal class. My cousin who is a dr. is going to give a short crash session on labour terms and must have information because as she said, in the moment of pain, most women forget everything from class so it's not so worth it anyway. I fel good about this decision and think it's the right choice for me.

Thursday will be my final GD test which will either diagnose or put to rest the gestational diabetes issue. I know that if I do have it, it won't be the end of the world and of coursei am willing to do whatever it takes to Little Miss IT safe and healthy - it will just suck. Wish mr luck.

***

In funnier news, A. And I were in the liquour store getting drinks for the BBQ when I sneezed and needed to leave the store and run to the car immediately. Why? Because I peed myself from the sneeze? WTH?

-R.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

I'm A BIt Of A Porker

I'm petite. Maybe not always in the weight category, but my frame is small. Up until now I have been gaining weight at a normal steady pace averaging a pound a week...until now. I gained 4.4lbs in one week. Holy cow! I don't care about the excessive gain, I actually think its funny. I'm so not one of those people who obsess over what they eat, and how much they workout and so on, but I do try to be healthy. I eat well and am doing my prental videos (although probably not as much as I should). The OB told me that right now the weight is not an issue, but if it happens again next week it could be warning signs for pre-eclampsia. Great.

On the list of my worries, this is at the bottom as I need to prioritize my stress and there are only so many worries I can handle right now. So I'm taking the humour route that I'm a fatty!

In other news, school is almost out for the summer and I am starting to feel anxious about being off work. Its weird, I have wanted and waited for maternity leave for 5 years and now that I am just over a week away, I'm scared. I'm not sure of what exactly, but still scared. Its irrational I know, but I love my job and feel like I'm going to miss it over the next 14 months. I have thought about going back sooner, but not sure if it financially smart. So I'm scared, but crazy excited too.

I wrote my HR department yesterday that I will officially start my maternity leave as of September 1st and I had to keep pinching myself to believe that I was writing this! I'm still crazy reserved about all things pregnancy related but as the weeks move on, I'm getting more in the groove of things.

My one issue right now is whether to take a prenatal class or not. I want a C-Sec for anxiety reasons, but at this point the head is done so not sure how the OB will feel about that (I know there is still time for turning). But, my anxiety over being in that room with all the other pg ladies freaks me out. I can't handle silly pg chatter and I certainly won't do well with labour complications talk. So I'm stuck. We have options and I would love feedback on which path to choose:

1. Suck it up and take the class
2. Do the class privately for more money
3. Avoid the class like the plague and read A LOT

So that's where my head is today. I'm a few days away from T3 and as it happens that will fall on Father's Day (at least something to take away the bitterness and sadness from last year).

-R.

Friday, June 10, 2011

My heart and thoughts are with my dear friend Lisa as she and her husband are in emotional hell after loosing their beautiful babies this week. the out pouring of love of and support that this community has shown her is just another reason why I am so proud to be a part of it. We stand together and support each other both in times of happiness and extreme sadness. I know that I couldn't have survived the last year without all of you and I am forever grateful for the friendships and community I have found. I know that those in IF or PG loss despair are also in agreement when I say, THANK YOU.

***

In other news, I had my follow- up OB appointment and 2 hour GD test. As usual, the results are inconclusive. First, Little Miss IT seems to be doing really well. I had a biophysical ultrasound (BPP) where she scored 8/8! The test measures four different areas and you either score a 0 or a 2, so we are right on track. In terms of her growing, we need to recheck next week as there needs to be at least two weeks between tests to get accurate results. So we will rescan next week and the week after. Yay for more in depths looks at her. She is starting to get more real to me, having some one on one time with her (and the ultrasound techs) has really helped me to bond with her more. Still, I don't have this intense feelings...yet. Now the GD test part two. I technically passed, but by .1 on 2/3 tests, so my OB is not convinced that I am gestational diabetes free and so we repeat the test in two weeks. Ugh! But, better safe than sorry.

So the plan is to continue to get monitored closely and I know that me and the Little Miss will be ok.

-R.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

25w5d

This is a bitching post please be for warned.

My SIL is pregnant. She told us and some extended family only, but it is still early. So early that she hasn't had an ultrasound to determine a fetal heart, or a uterine pregnancy. To refresh, she got married earlier this year and this was a wanted, but not ovulatary planned pregnancy. Although I am in a better place I am still so envious. For starters this now make both my sister and SIL more than fertile, first try fertile (FTF) and that just really hurts me.

I would not wish IF on my worst enemy, but the first try, seriously?

Aside from being FTF, she also completely naive about the real life effects of pregnancy loss. She is so confident (and I pray she is right) that everything will be fine. I want that for myself. I live every day in fear, and she, in nauseous bliss. The excitement and joy of excitement was ripped from me because of my past. When we learned we were pregnant, my first instinct was anger and resentment, why now, why give me this to take it away? I will admit that am now in a MUCH better place emotionally, but still those scars run deep and witnessing the sheer joy and optimism of pregnancy just makes me realize how much I want that for myself.

***

Yesterday was a cluster fuck of events. It started with a hectic work morning and then a shit show of disaster in the afternoon. The good news is my first test for Fifths Disease came back negative and we had a long and detailed ultrasound today where we got see Little Miss IT up close...so cool! The bad - I failed the 1 hr glucose test. Of course, are you surprised? I'm not. I eat healthy (of course I have a snack here and there, but am a well balanced eater) and my weight gain has been great, 18 pounds so far. I need to go back for the 2 hr test and I know this isn't a diagnosis, but it will mean diet changes at least. For those that know anything about levels, my OBs cut off is 7.8 before the next level of testing and I came in at 8.5. Yikes. Not looking too good. Of course I will happily give up ice cream and fruit and bread to make sure that me and the little miss are healthy, but it still sucks.

The ultrasound today had it's pros. It was performed on a new machine on trial from the company and they even had a rep helping the tech with the ins and outs of it. To get a better feel for the machine, she took her time scanning me and even pointed out the different parts. It was really cool to see her fully formed features and I even think she has A's facial structure. AND, my cervix is long and closed. Relief! The con was that the accuracy of scan is questionable. In true R. style, we had a scary result and needed a redo scan. The new machine clocked her growth as small. The 10th percentile. Not good. To be fair, I am petite and was not expecting a big baby, but the word small is scary. The second ultrasound on the older machine found her growth to be petite at the 30th percentile. Much better, but which do you believe? Again I find myself in the situation where I need to trust and believe. OB believes in the older machine, but we are going to rescan next week and move from there.

Can't anything be easy for once?


Ok, bitchy rant over. I want to leave off with a close up of my beauty, Little Miss IT!

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

One year ago

Last year on this day I was in Denver for my first DE transfer. I was so filled with hope and anticipation and so was A. I remember waking up in the Home.wood and answering the call from embryology about my ideas for how many to thaw and transfer. I remember how when A was there for the retrieval he had a special breakfast of themed "egg" foods and specific reasons for eating them. I remember lying on the table having my acupuncture appointment and Dr. Schoo.craft coming in for the transfer and me saying that this was the last time he would see me. I remember watching the season finale of Gre.ys Ana.tomy eating P.F. Changs (remember the shootout?). I remember every part of that trip and the excitement/anticipation I felt surrounding it.

The transfer was successful and we saw our first ever positive pee stick. The next few days were those of sheer happiness and then in an instant our lives were turned upside down. It started with spotting and then a couple of ultrasounds that showed no fetal heartbeat. The next days were spent agonizing over which treatment would be quicker, better for my already shitty uterus and cause less pain. Ultimately the miscarriage changed me in a way I didn't know was possible. My marriage was so deeply threatened that there were many many time I didn't know if we would survive. But we did. I did.

Fast forward a year and A and I both are such different places. We are happy, our marriage is stronger than ever and we are finally close to becoming parents. When I think back to the he'll of last year it was started by this anniversary. I have been in a fog all day and couldn't really understand why. It is the enormity of it all. The looking back on how much we've been through and how far we've come. I don't take moments for granted. I cherish the fact that I am in this better place - especially when I know many others are not.

For my friends who are in emotional hell right now, I am so sorry. I can only hope that next year will better.

-R.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

24 Weeks!

Happy viability day to me! Today was all around awesome day. I woke up early to bake Bare.foot Cont.essa double chocolate brownies (holy shit they're good) and then came back to bed to wake up with the sound of Little Miss IT's heartbeat. We had brunch with his family and then saw Th.or (I hated it, A loved it) followed by dinner with my family.

Wow, it was an emotional and exhausting day. I'm a broken record already I know, but how in the he'll did I get here? As each day passes and we get further along, I find myself beginning to feel more connected. It helps a lot knowing that I have an amazing medical team that is working hard to alleviate my anxieties and that both A and I have felt her kick. I think it's kind of creepy, but reassuring none the less.

Work is super busy right now trying to get the students ready for exams and plan for next year, but I continue to enjoy every minute of being there. I continually remind myself how proud I am of myself fir taking the leap and quitting my awful job last year. Overall I am a much happier person.

This post is happy, that's a positive change, I hope it continues. Today I am feeling good. I'm having an emotionally stable day and physically feeling well so I count this as a major milestone for me. Thank you to those who told me I would feel connected in my own way and time, you were right. I still can't say, "I'm pregnant" or anything similar and I have terrible anxiety towards any group prenatal activites, but I'm making small steps.

Sorry I haven't blogged or commented much lately, I have been overwhelmed by work and other non-pg related stuff, but I am still reading. Thank you for continuing to support me, as always it helps me get through the day.

-R.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

22W2D

Yesterday morning I had some spotting. It was pink and very light. I wasn't totally freaked out (so weird for me), but I still decided to call OB since I was going there for an appointment for my blood pressure anyway.

OB did an internal exam and my cervix is closed, but measured 2cm - not good. Off to the ultrasound I went for a "cervical check and viability scan". Holy shit this is serious I thought.

It turns out that everything is fine. It was uterine bleeding, but so faint that it was undetected on the ultrasound. My good old friend 'dildo cam' and I were reuinited and it revealed that my cervix is much longer than anticipated (internals not as accurate) and the crisis was averted.

What was funny for me was the amount of prep that they gave me before the transvaginal exam. I explained that I have had hundreds of these scans, but they still needed to follow protocol and explain everything.

What I am most happy about was my reaction. I did not jump to worse case scenarios at first (unlike my friend who shall remain nameless ;)) and I remained calm and focused during the L-O-N-G investigation yesterday. I also found myself telling Little Miss IT (who is still a girl) not to worry and that I would protect her. Huge progress for me on the bonding issue. So proud of myself for that.

The OB could not find a reason to explain the spotting, but told me not to worry, but if it comes back to go back and see him or go to the ER.

Today I am blood free and feeling good. I'm just so thankful for another day.

-R.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Raging Hormones

I have become a raging hormonal beyotch! Seriously, I can't seem to get my hormones in check and it is starting to scare me.

Yesterday was an emotional day for me. It was brought to my attention just how fucked up IF and my personal journey has made me. People are afraid of me. Not in the I'm going to hurt you kind of way, but more in the don't talk to her about her pregnancy or anything slightly related as we don't know how she will react. Yup, apparently, I have put out the vibe for everyone to pretend as if I am not pregnant. Wow. That's news to me.

To be fair, I have never been one to gush over something and I am not such a touchy feely kind of person, so I would never have been all over this belly of mine anyway...but I can see how I am a bit of ticking time bomb, but can you blame me? The last five years have been plagued with nothing but heartache, fear, anxiety, depression, loss... Of course I am guarded. Of course I am scared to death - especially now with my newest set of anxieties, however I am keeping those worries at bay and am doing a pretty job of it.

I am mad. Mad at everyone that is judging me right now. Who do they think they are? A. has always been the eternal optimist and in his heart he knew everything would be ok (this drives me NUTS) so as much as he longed for a child and was devastated with each disappointment, failure and loss - he didn't allow it to destroy him. On the outside he was the same optimistic person he has always been. Pair that up with me, and well you have a couple of polar opposites.

I thought I was doing well. I talk about the pregnancy when I can, and even had A's family listen to the heartbeat on the doppler. I wear maternity clothes and make reference to Little Miss IT and her arrival on an ongoing basis. BUT, I am not keen on anyone except A. touching my belly - at least not until there is definitive movement and I am not all roses and sunshine all the time. I am scared shitless.

I still have a hard time around babies and toddlers - especially those conceived since we have been TTCing. I don't go out of my way to engage them and apparently their parents get upset. Really? How fucking stupid is that? In the last three weeks, two different sets of parents have commented to A. that I did not seem that taken by their children. Seriously? WTH? These are both from people that know intimately what we have gone through and even if they didn't, who cares. I didn't realize that the proper protocol for seeing a friend's child is to stop everything and devote all your time to their infant or toddler - that doesn't know me. Are these people for real? Am I wrong? And besides, it was not as if I ignored them and their children, I said hello and made a comment about how cute their child was, but that was probably all. I guess that wasn't good enough.

I hate feeling judged. I told A. that I don't want to be around people who scrutinize every thing I do with their higher than thou microscope. I can't take it. If I could live in a private bubble, I would.

I honestly don't know how to move past this. I am not going to change in the next four months. I continue to worry about the fate of this pregnancy and Little Miss IT. I don't want to share the intimate details of my anxiety with the world, nor should I have to, but I feel that people demand this. It is so unfair that this time in my life is being tainted by selfishness. I have every right to act and behave however I choose and if people don't get that, they can fuck themselves in my opinion. A. agrees with me, but not enough to let people have it when they come to him with their stupid shit. UGH.

Today is Mother's Day (like we all could forget) and although I am not yet a mother, I am closer than I have ever been. I should be happy today. I should be celebrating the huge milestone that is approaching. I should be excited that I am two weeks away from viability, but unfortunately, I am mess like every year. This year should be different - and in many ways it is, but there is still profound sadness in my heart. Being pregnant does not take away the pain of the last five years nor does it make you forget. For me it was the opposite. It is a constant reminder of how life is unpredictable and we are not in control of anything. Don't get me wrong, I am so thankful to be here and the bonding between me and Little Miss IT has definitely started, but that is separate. I can't forget my past as it makes me appreciate my present. I am not taking one minute of this miracle for granted, but I am also very aware that we are far from the other side.

I am sure this post came across like a rambling mess, but that's what I have in me right now. I don't have the strength to talk about my real Mother's Day feelings or seeing my sister and niece today. I just don't have it in me. I'm tired of feeling like a failure and a depressed mess. I am tired of people commenting on my every move. I am just so tired of all of this. Thanks for reading and supporting me. I know today is excruciatingly difficult for so many and I don't want to come across as insensitive or ungrateful. I am going to blame the hormones for my irrational behaviour and emotions.

-R.