Friday, August 16, 2013

DE Reflections/Freak Outs

It has been forever since my last post. I'm not sure why though. I still check in on this space regularly - and keep reading your blogs and posts daily, but commenting and updating just haven't been happening. I'm sorry for my absence, it's nothing personal, just avoiding I guess.

This pregnancy is flying by. I'm now 28 weeks (how did that happen?) and so far, things are progressing normally! I of course failed the one-hour glucose test, however I did manage to slightly pass the two-hour so as now I am GD free! My blood pressure is also surprising good right now and generally I am feeling pretty good. It is weird to be so normal - but I am not complaining. I am loving it.

I remember the anatomy scan as if it were yesterday. A. and many others were convinced we were having a boy as my morning sickness was out of control and so so different than with LMI. I was still throwing up almost daily until 20/21 weeks. I didn't have a feeling one way or another, but since everyone predicted boy I started thinking of blue amd boys names. So after the measurements were completed and the baby looked healthy the big reveal came..."looks like you'll have two girls". At first I thought he meant that there were two babies in there, but no, just one healthy GIRL. Sisters! We were surprised and shocked and totally excited. And so we've decided to name my baby Hazelnut. It's an ode to my Boobie and makes me smile when I say it.

I am feeling quite anxious and overwhelmed with the DE aspect of this pregnancy. I am obsessed with the fact that our donor is a giant (considering I am so the opposite) and find myself obsessing over the fetal size of this pregnancy. Right now Hazelnut is measuring in the 44%ile and I couldn't be happier, but until last week, she was measuring quite small. We both had a bit of a weight gain this month ;). A. and I feel quite strongly that we do not want the fact that this baby was conceived differently from LMI to be a secret or something shameful - we are proud of our journey and the l-o-n-g and bumpy road that will have brought us to our family of four, but, I can't find the words or the timing or the moment to tell those closest to us. Every time, I think I am ready, it turns out that emotionally something is blocking me. I have spoken at length with SJ and we went over some potential questions that family may ask us once we disclose and A and I have talked at length about what we feel comfortable sharing and what we feel is private and for our child to share when/if she is ready. So, what is stopping us? It is not like we want to hire the Good.year blimp or skywrite the news, but I really want close extended family and friends to know and not have this secret hanging over our heads.

I would really love your thoughts on when and who and how you told about your DE/DS conceptions.

I know that everyone says that once the baby is born, none of this will matter, but right now, it consumes me. I can't stop thinking about what the baby will look like, will she resemble LMI or A.? I know in my head that even when siblings are 100% genetically related they often don't look or act alike, but in my irrational brain I can't stop thinking about it. I think about how I am going to react every time someone tells me that she has my eyes or smile and I try to come up with my response now so that the crazy postpartum hormones don't get the best of me and I snap or fall apart. I think about how LMI and Hazelnut will grow up and I hope that there will be no issues that are different from the normal sibling rivalry stuff. Maybe this is my version of nesting, since I am not planning on re-organizing or cleaning my house.

My head is a mess, which is probably contributing to my lack of reaching out and communicating. I'm over the moon excited about this pregnancy and the idea of adding to our family. I'm so excited to see LMI as a big sister and I know that she will love her little sister to the end of the world. I guess it's just nerves...I can't wait to meet my Hazelnut and tell her how much I love her.



  1. Yay for two girls! I'm so glad you're doing well. I can't help with the DE stuff but what you're going through sounds very normal.

    Great to see a post from you, hope to see more!


  2. I can totally understand your DE freak outs. I find myself wondering whether the baby I have now I would love less if she was DE. (As it happens she doesn't look anything like me) I may well end up DE for my second. I wonder whether there isn't some biological mechanism that encourages this. However i feel sure that once your baby has arrived you will just know that she was meant to be yours! Congratulations on a baby girl!

  3. Congrats on sisters!!! As an adoptive mom, when people say my children look like me I just say thank you. :-)

  4. First of all, sending my warm congrats on T3!! YEAH! And how wonderful that LMI will have a sister. You three must be thrilled.
    It's normal to have anxieties, I feel, at this stage in the pregnancy. And for you, there is this added layer of the fact that this child was conceived with the help of a donor.
    For us, we talk about DE with people who are close to us and people we think will be receptive. We figure the rest of the world doesn't need to know and Gummy can tell whoever she wants when she is older.
    I honestly wonder if this will be such a big preoccupation for you once she is in your arms. Your two girls, whether both genetically related to both of you or not, will be different from one another. They are different human beings. Siblings that share a great deal of genetic similarities are usually quite different from one another, and people don't question their genetic provenance, right?
    I hope you update us on this issue once hazelnut is born, and I hope it doesn't make your head spin as much as it does now.
    Take good care

  5. I have a DE child who is 2-years old and we have not told anybody, same situation that you are in. I thought it would be easy but something has been holding us back. I feel I don't want people to look at her differently because she was born via DE. I love her to death and the fact that she was born via DE is completely irrelevant to me. Physically she has similarities to me and whenever people tell me that, I just smile and think to myself (if only you knew)!

  6. We told our immediate family (parents and siblings) and specifically told them not to share the information with other people, not because it's a secret, but because it's private, and it's our son's story to share as he wants. We also told our best friends.

    My mom initially brought it up a bunch - for a few weeks after he born - but right around the time I was going to tell her it wasn't cool to bring it up all the time, she stopped doing it. And now she and most of the family have apparently forgotten because we get comments all the time about how he does something like I did, etc.

    I get comments from strangers all the time about how he looks like me (the donor looks like she could be my sister, so not surprising) and I regularly get asked if he looks more like me or my husband, lol!

    So excited for you!

  7. A friend of mine has two donor sperm children. I only know this because someone else told me. I have said nothing to her about because she said nothing to me about it.

    You will give birth to your child; that makes you their birth mother. That's all people need to know.

    This child is sharing your nutrition; your blood; your oxygen. This little girl is yours; your egg or not.

  8. Congrats on your pregnancy going so well!!!

    I have 2 yr old b/g twins from DE. I could talk for ages about all the issues around it but I'll try not to do that. A few quick thoughts/answers to your question:
    - We each (me and hubby) had one or two close friends who knew about the DE process as we were going through it. We needed that outlet.
    - After they were born we gradually told immediate family and close friends. We believe (and the clinical advice supports) that our kids need/deserve to know and that they should grow up knowing about the DE journey so it's nothing about which they feel any shame. For that to be possible the people close to them need to know and be able to be fully comfortable with and supportive of the subject if/when our kids start talking about it as part of their story.
    - We were pleasantly surprised by the complete lack of negative response - everyone has been (at minimum) unconcerned, and typically very supportive. (Although they're often surprisingly uninformed - I'm regularly surprised by how little people know/understand. Which just points out how deeply we've been changed by the process of trying to conceive over several years!)
    - We're still sorting out how to handle the "oh he looks just like you!" comments when they're said by well-meaning friends or acquaintances. Sometimes we'd be happy to share that we used DE but the time isn't quite right (in the middle of the road w/ a neighbor) and sometimes it just isn't anyone who needs to know. So handling that gracefully is still a work in process, but much less driven by shame or embarrassment than by timing/situational factors.
    - I adore my children, and I actually see many of my own characteristics in them - especially behaviorally. But I'm also very much conscious of the DE factor. The other day I looked at a picture of my daughter and thought "she looks like the donor". I can't say that was a great moment for me, but it is what it is. So while I am thrilled that DE worked for us, I will always wish that I had been able to produce good eggs. But with my eggs I wouldn't have these two people I so enjoy - so that's part of how I make peace with it. It's a work in process, and I am more conscious of the DE history than I might have expected, but it isn't necessarily negative - it's just the reality.
    - I can say that the DE piece does help me see them for their own unique little selves a little more clearly than I might otherwise, and I think that's a good thing from a parenting perspective. I don't think it's altogether bad that I can view them a bit more separately from me than I might otherwise. Especially with twins, I'm struck by just how much they are individuals the minute they are born. I feel like our job is to keep them safe and help them become decent people, but who they fundamentally are comes from some mysterious process of which I'm only a piece (with or without my egg).

    Anyway, I think you sound entirely normal for where you are, normal for the whole DE process, and really well-centered about it all.

    Hope the remainder of your pregnancy is smooth and happy! All the best.

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