It's On

There are two sure fire ways to get AF to show up.

POAS and email your nurse that AF is no where in sight and you may never get the opportunity to cycle again, because you are in now in menopause.

Maybe I jumped the gun a little, but come on, 37 days! It was my longest cycle to date. Even NN told me that a watched never boils, but I couldn't help it, I guess I wanted another miracle to happen, but instead I got multiple stark white lines on the tests and some major menopause anxiety.

This FET prep is very different for me. It is completely out of my control and I am trying to live by the mantra what will be will be. I go for my first day of monitoring on CD9 (this Friday) and then daily after that until the LH surge is detected or my dominant follicle reaches 17mm and we can trigger. After that, I book myself on a plane and transfer 1 or 2 (still undecided) embryos five days later. With my wonky cycles, ovulation is guestimated to occur around CD18 so we still have some time.

It is weird being back in this cycling place. I still want the end result as badly as before, but I have chilled out this time around. I'm not obsessing over everything. I am drinking one cup of coffee a day and I even had some chocolate. I am trying to have an open mind and know that if this doesn't work out, we have options. We are not done trying to expand our family.

Thank you for the continued support.

-R.

CCS results

The CCS results are in and they were surprising to say the least. Out of 11 donor egg embryos, we have...4 normal, healthy embryos. WTF?!I really shouldn't be surprised to get disappointing news, I mean it is me after all.

4/11. Wow.

On the positive side, I have four embryos - all graded 4AA. That is something to be excited about even if my dr. isn't. The regroup was a few days ago. I am still trying to process the fact that even though my body has shown that it can get pregnant and carry a pregnancy to term, there is very little hope that it will happen again - even with my healthy, chromosonally normal, donor egg embryos.

I am not sure what the plan is exactly. I am waiting for AF to start the FET and we are trying a natural cycle where we monitor close to ensure ovulation has occurred and then transfer five days later. This is said to be my best protocol and I will trust in that. Before our regroup, A. and I decided that we would transfer one embryo. After speaking with the dr. we are not sure anymore. He did not give me the 80% success rate that DE has. I didn't get the 60% success rate that a CCS normal embryo has. There is little hope. He said that by transferring two embryos it gives a better chance of achieving a singleton pregnancy. My thought it uses up more chances. What would you do?

So that's where things are right now. Purgatory. Waiting. Loosing hope.

-R.

Updates

My Boobie passed away at the end of November. She was 94 and lived a full life. Her life was not an easy one - she emigrated to Canada from Eastern Europe in 1935 when she was only 16. She got married ten years later and my mother was her miracle child. I wrote about her here when we announced our pregnancy with LMI. She was so excited.
My Boobie was a strong woman and I know that I get my fight from her. She taught me about love and family and I am the mother I am largely because of the values she and my other grandmother taught me. I love you Boobie.

***

We had our consult with the genetics counselor about testing our remaining 11 embryos. After a lot of thought and back and forth, we took the plunge and decided to test them. Ultimately, in the end, I can't live through another pregnancy (should I be so lucky to have one) where there is constant worry about the health of the baby.

They called from the lab on Friday. All our embryos survived the the thaw and the biopsy and our refrozen. The results should take about four weeks, but hopefully we can get them sooner. It is not consuming my thoughts, but I do think about it...a lot. Statistically, we should have a fair amount of normals, but this is me we are talking about and I don't fall on the right side of the stats, so hopefully we will have some. If they all come back as abnormal or no result I don't know where I will go from there. But I can't allow myself to go there now.

***

There are three more work days until the break. 3! Can you tell that I am in desperate need of some RNR. Happy Holidays - wishing everyone a great new year.

-R.

Over

It's never a good sign when AF arrives before beta day. Sigh. POAS all stark white. Over and out.
-R.

2WW - I Forgot

How stressful it is and time consuming when you over analyze every twinge and cramp. Beta is scheduled for Tuesday, because they don't run them on weekends so the POASing will start on Friday - unless AF shows up first!

I don't have high hopes for the cycle. It was a bit of a shit show with my body not responding well to the high doses of drugs which produced 2 follicles that were on the smaller side. I think the RE would have liked me to stim a day or two longer, but apparently my body didn't agree so I had my LH surge on my own and never needed the trigger shot. At this point I realized that IUI OTC would probably not be successful so we cancelled the IUI and just did the timed thing.

So that's where we stand right now. I'm also in the process of setting up the genetic counseling session to test my embryos...

-R.

OTC IUI has begun

It is so different this time. New phase, new protocol, new clinic. I'm a newbie again. I have learned over the years that every RE works different and you need to acclimatize to the different routines. Cd2 was Thursday and it was my first monitoring session for what I'm calling my over the counter (OTC) IUI. Monitoring is from 630-800 daily and since it was a work day I got there at 6:04 to ensure I would be finished with enough time to get to work for an 8:00am meeting. I was fourth in line. The staff at this clinic are wonderful. They make an effort to know your name on the first visit and have a "greeter" that is in charge of keeping the flow of appointments run smoothly. It worked. I was in and out in under an hour.

My results for CD2 are:
E2: 48.5
LH: 6.96
Prog: 1.25
FSH: 4.2

Ultrasound: AFC, Rt 5
Left simple cyst seen measuring at 1.6x1.4x2cm

I don't remember what my levels were like before so I'm not sure if these are an improvement or not. I also know my AFC is low - but have no clue about the hormone levels. Anyone that wants to explain I would appreciate it. Again, I'm a newbie. I used to have this information at my finger tips and was able to analyze, but now ism just going with the flow. It's weird.

So for my OTC IUI I started with 75ui Men.opour and 150ui Brav.elle. I've never taken the second medication which is why we are trying this combo. So far with only two days in I'm doing ok, but holy shit those needles STING!

I'm not overly optimistic that this will work, but I am invested now.

-R.

Where I'm At

I'm reading blogs and forums - everyday, but I'm not posting and not commenting much (I try to post but I'm having some blogger issues) I don't have a reason for it other than my head is not in the same place as it once was.

I'm still very much an Infertile. So much so that I keep becoming aware as CD1 keeps coming around without an invitation. I still get the jealous/sad/angry feeling every time a big round (or small little bump) comes my way or another "announcement" is told. It still hurts that I am constantly reminded how my ENTIRE family seems to get pg by thinking about having having sex while I...not so much.

But, I do have LMI and that makes it all easier. She brightens my day when in feeling low. She reminds me of why I need to keep trying and fighting to add to our family and why I can't fall apart when AF comes knocking on my door.

I have an appointment with the new local RE on Tuesday and I'm not sure what direction to take. On the one hand, A and I are enjoying the "trying" phase again. It is hard to remember back to that part from TTC1 because even then I knew that it would not be successful. But, as each cycle passes it does get harder and harder and I am very aware that time is not friend. Heck medical intervention may not be my friend. It wasn't in the past.

I'm petrified that LMI was my one and only chance at a pg. nothing worked before and we are clearly not the couple that once you have your body is "fixed". So I'm not sure where that leads me.

I miss IVF. Weird to say and admit but I do. There was/is a part of me that misses the early morning dates with the dildo cam and the monitoring. The numerous injections (not the actual needle, but what it represented) and the procedures themselves and the hope that came along with all 4 IVFs and 2 DE FETs.

I don't miss the FAILURE. I don't miss the extreme heartache, jealousy, self defeat and depression. I don't miss that place that I was in for so so long.

I promised myself that I was done with IVF. That if after six natural cycles I would go back to CO and use my DE embryos. I'm still on board with this plan - except for the natural cycle part. Maybe there is a middle ground? Maybe I should try adding some injections? Maybe some real monitoring? Maybe IUIs? But really, if IVF didn't work on me - will any of this over the counter stuff?

My head is all over the place right now. Not sure what Tuesday will bring or what I may ask for...I guess time will tell.

-R.