Leaving on a Jet Plane

Im heading back out to Denver on Thursday for my date with the hysteroscopy. Its just me going as A as going to stay home with LMI mwe thought about us all going, but it didnt seem worth it to bring her out for such a short trip. This will be my first time being apart from her for more than a few hours. Im nervous, but I know that she will be in excellent hands.

Its really weird for me going back to Denver. We are still committed to our plan of trying on own for the next few months, but still treatment is never far from the back of my mind. I am in a really good place emotionally though and I am going to try to approach TTC#2 differently than before. Im done with the secrecy. I made sure that everyone knew that LMI's conception was hard fought and long awaited. Anyone that told me it was because we just relaxed was given an in depth statement about the inaccuracy and ofensiveness of the statement. I still dont know why or how I was able to get pregnant and deliver a healthy baby, but I am so thankful.

My comfort zone is back. My entire pregnancy with LMI I didnt feel like myself. I would go into my OBs office unprepared and find myself stumbling over words, forgetting to ask key questions and just overwhelmed by the enormity of it all. But when I had my phone consult a few weeks ago, the old me came flooding back. I was in fine form asking my questions and making my ideas heard.

The trip is going to be short. 48hrs. Im going alone and aside from missing my sweet LMI, Im a little bit excited about the me time. Im going to sleep without a baby monitor (and a snoring husband) and not have to wake up at 630am. Im going to have all day on Friday to myself and I plan to just relax and maybe hit the shops at Castle Rock. But it wont be all rest and relaxing, there is the main reason why Im going. Im nervous. No RE had an explanation for why I was miraculously able to get pregnant. The truth is that no medical intervention had worked in the past so I am doubtful that TTc#2 will be any different, so there are some unanswered questions here.

***
LMI is 11 months old today. Time is moving by so fast. She loves pulling herself up to standing and is just starting to be able to stand for a few seconds without support. She is also pushing her walking toys around the house and loves loves loves to read. It is so sweet watching her turn the pages - a teacher's dream. I think we are just entering the separation anxiety phase and just in time for her daycare transition - so I am not looking forward to that, but we will both find ways to get through it. Overall she is the happiest child and I just her and being her mommy.

-R.

Back in the saddle

Blogger won't let the paragraphs space out, does anyone know why this happens? The last two weeks have been filled with jumping back onto the saddle of my old life...work and doctors. Work. I technically am on maternity leave until August, however I have begun going into school for meetings relating to the upcoming school year. Even though I am excited about going to back to work theoretically, I felt a lot of anxiety towards leaving LMI and being back in the actual workplace. But, once I got in my car and started to drive there, it was like autopilot and it was as if I never left. I know that going on a daily basis with full day hours will be so different, but my first real experience of leaving LMI was successful. My MIL has begun watching LMI for short amounts of time on a weekly basis recently and this has allowed me to have some me time. Until recently, I had only been able to have some time to myself on weekends when A. was home to watch her, so this has been a good transition for both LMI and myself. LMI will be going to a home daycare near our house full time starting in August. The daycare is really sweet and there are only 10 children all 1-2years old. I never would have thought that I would have selected a daycare (I always had a live in nanny) never mind a home care, but after looking at all our options I felt that this was the perfect place for LMI. If I couldn't watch her, then this was the next best thing. We are going transition her over a week, but I will be working part-time for the first month back so I am around if need be. I think I am most anxious about the time constraints. Will it be a long day for LMI? Will she be too tired to spend time with me at the end of the day? Right now she wakes up in the morning between 630-700. I leave for work at 730 so we will have thirty minutes in the morning together before A gives her breakfast and drops her at daycare. We will probably get home at 600 just in time for dinner and then hopefully a good amount of playtime before a bath and bed by 730. I am thinking I will be probably push her bedtime to 800 so we have more time at night, but then I may miss the mornings with her, so we will need to see how that goes. If you have a child in daycare, what is your schedule? Doctors. I have doctor appointments coming out of the wahzoo. I went on a search for a new local RE. I really like my RE, but her practice and I do not get along. I had too much stress there prepping for all my different cycles and who can forget about my BFF ultrasonagrapher who fucked up on more than one occasion causing me to jump on a plane to Denver immediately and the NT scan disaster. So ya, it was time for a change. You would be surprised how difficult it is to find a new RE when you have embryos across the boarder and no plans to move them. Thankfully a new clinic recently opened and it is 2 minutes from my house. They are the loveliest people and were so accommodating to me that I am thrilled that they have agreed to take me on as a satellite patient. I have also reached out to CCRM and had my first phone consult with the doc himself. Right now we are not actively trying nor preventing getting pregnant. But, I have not taken any BC and I am not pregnant. So the plan is to hopefully go out to Denver at the end of July for a quick check of the ole ute and then come home and try on our own until December at which point we will do an FET with my DE embryos. Getting my head in the game for my phone call was difficult. It took me longer than usual to formulate all my questions and I am sure I forgot to ask something. I did ask about a natural FET since I was able to get pregnant on my own and he said that for me that was an "interesting" idea that peeked his interest. I am sure we will revisit this idea when I go out there. He did say that since I was able to carry a pregnancy to term he is not concerned about my lining and as long as it gets to 6.5 he is ok with proceeding. That is a huge relief to me, since I am the "optimistic" 7 gal. Overall he is still the man of few words, but told me that he is welcoming me back with open arms. *** LMI is now ten months! She is changing so fast and everyday it seems like she is learning something new. She has mastered clapping her hands on command and is inconsistent with waving. For whatever reason, the words, give me five or high five, are hilarious to her and she gets a huge smile and laughs. Its really cute. Her hair is getting longer, but it is still sparse and short so if she goes out in gender neutral clothes, she is always called a boy. Ugh. I often put cute headbands on her to distinguish her as a girl. She's crawling all of the house and has been for a while, but she is now climbing the stairs and cruising on the furniture. I bet it won't be long before she is walking! Since I am the world's pickiest eater, I am trying very hard to expose her to a wide variety of foods and recipes and so far it is working. She is a great eater. She doesn't love rough textures (like the breading on a chicken finger), but loves the insides and pretty much anything with cheese. It is always fun to watch her feed herself and see how much actually ends up in her mouth compared to the floor or her bib catcher. I am finding it exhausting trying to come up with new recipes to try so if you have some good ones please send them along! So that's what has been going on with us the last little while. Thanks for reading to the end. ;) -R.

Sorry For My Absence

My last post was in March. Holy shit how did that happen? When I first started this blog my goal was to write daily. Then it became more like bynweekly to weekly to monthly to every few months. I have no real excuse and its not because I dont have the time, I think its becuase now I have time. Yes Im busy with LMI, but shes on a predictable schedule with two solid naps a day and goes to sleep at 730 for the night. Time I have. I have spent a lot of time thinking. A lot has happened in my life lately and some of it has thrown me through a loop (NO I am not pg). My sister announced that she is expecting her second. It wasnt a shock, but it was still hard to accept at first. I fell apart briefly. Just like she had planned, her daughters will be 20 months a part. Imagine that, being able to plan out how close or far in age your children will be! That was the difficult part for me. Her life plan continues to follow the same path while mine is uncertain. We are also back in that place where many of our friends are expecting, 5 couples to be exact, and it just bring back all those IF emotions that were put aside. Its no secret that A and I would love to have another (possibly 2) more child/ren. We are not actively trying to build our family right now but we are not using any form of BC either. Who knows how, if, or when we will be lucky again to conceive. I have contacted NN at CCRM to get an idea of what will be involved to do an FET with our DE embryos and the first step will be a phone consult. I think I will set that up for the summer. So we are in rush right now. Im in a weird place right now. People look at you different when you cross over. Those who were once so supportive of you dont necessarily give you the same support the second time around becuase you have a child. Yes, when Im upset I can look at my sweet LMI and give her an extra tight hug, but that doesnt make me fertile. My IF doesnt disappear because I have a child - or many children. It is always with me even if lately it has been pushed off the sidelines at times. So thats where my head has been lately. A fussy haze of not being totally ready for a second child, while being envious of others who are on their way there and not being able to put the thoughts out of my mind. I know this may be difficult to read and I appologize for that if you are in IF hell right now. I just needed to get that off my chest. *** LMI turned nine months old yesterday. Shes amazing. Crawling or doing the butterfly on land as we call has been happening for a while now. Its amazing how she is still so small (14lbs4oz), but really strong. Like pulling herslef up to stand and even climbing the stairs. Its nuts. Shes starting to develop stranger/separation anxiety and selfishly I love it. She is a total daredevil and loves anything with speed like the swings and slide at the park. Hates the stroller though so I have been getting lots of use of my babyBjorn I guess her being small has its advantages. LMI is becomming quite the foodie. Seeing as I am super picky I try and expose her to a variety of foods so that she will hopefully develop a taste for variety. We are slowly moving away from purees and giving her little bites of finger foods. It is so cute when she fists a handful of watermelon cubes and tries to shove them all in her mouth. Oy! Im also introducing milk to her diet and am planning to begin weaning her off of BF. I have mixed emotions about this. I didnt love BFing and we had a very rocky first five months with it, but we both survived. Its time. Shes currently nursing three times a day and I dont think my supply is what it used to be so from a nutrient stance, it will be better for her on the real stuff. Its still a bit sad to realize that she is growing up so quickly. Ok, long post done. I promise not to let too much time in between posts in the future. -R. Ps- thanks Cass for the blog feedback, the iPad doesnt give you a clear picture of what it will turn out like. It also wont separate into paragraphs. Im working on it.

Reflection Time

I needed to take a step back from blogging and reflect. I don't want to be that person, but I fear I may be. We all know the one. I always vowed that if I ever become a parent, I would not stop having a brain of my own. Of course my life would revolve around my family (and it does), but when out in public and here in this space, I would be more than just LMI's mother. My journey to parenthood was difficult, not worse or easier than anyone else, just really difficult. I felt plagued at times that everything that could go wrong during a cycle, would and did. At thirty years old I was told by a highly respected RE and my local RE to pack in the towel and move on. Pregnancy and my genetics were not in the cards. I suffered multiple early miscarriages, lining problems, surrogate crises and of course donor egg failures both with the donor and the cycle - but this is not the pain olympics. We all have had a shit time of it. No one is worse off in the IF world, however I recognize how truly lucky I am that I have crossed over. Not everyone gets their happy ending. I am still amazed by LMI's conception and that she is here. My real take home baby.

I truly hope that if you read this blog (and google reader tells me you do), that I have not offended you or upset you with tales of my sunshine and rainbows. I write for myself - to have a reminder of where I have been and where I am going. I write for LMI - to tell her her story. But I also write for you - I know my ending is not typical, but most likely I have some experience in the area of IF or pg you were, are or may be dealing with and I wrote about it. Knowledge is powerful. Having options makes us feel a little more in control. If something I have learned or experienced can be of help it is my greatest pleasure to pass on the information. I have said many times that you are my family and without the support that I received I honestly don't think I would I have survived.

***

In other news, this is going on right now. Yup, this is the same agency that we used/are using for GC. And you guessed it, I have funds tied up there. I haven't been able to process this information - I literally have no words.

Rolling Right Along

Thank you for all the well wishes for Boobie. She is thankfully recovering well from surgery, but emotionally its been really tough on her. Hopefully she will be out of the hospital and in a rehab soon and her mood should improve. 

LMI is turning six months on Thursday. Where has the time gone?  We went for our appointment at the children's hospital and her harness is coming off!  I was so surprised as I was convinced and prepared for the spica cast.  She was examined by xray instead of ultrasound and it showed that although her left hip is still behind the right, the dr believes it will self correct. He told us to take the harness off in three weeks. We have one more week. Why us it that the end is always the hardest stretch?  Seriously. I was in a rhythm with the harness. We were friends. But it seems that since learning its going to come off life in the harness has become unbearable. 

First is the barfing. It gets all over the harness.  Its totally disgusting. Even though we have two it seems that one is always in the wash or air drying so she is often stuck wearing a freshly soiled one. Sigh. I think its much harder on me but who wants to smell puke all day?  

The other issue is rolling. Normally I would be ecstatic that she can roll from her back to tummy, but she cant go the other way. So literally all night long I am running to flip her because shes uncomfortable and crying hysterically. All if the hard Ferber work we did has basically gone out the window. Now at the first moment of crying/fussing we go to her, shove the passy in her mouth and flip her necessary. Otherwise she gets very worked up and continues roll and cry. Its awful. Thankfully she goes to sleep well and sleeps for a solid four hours before the rolling fiasco begins. 

What else is new?  Solids. So far LMI loves her oatmeal and barley cereals. She has one for breakfast and the other for dinner every day. It is so cute watching her open her mouth wide when the spoon comes her way and she is now eating almost four tbsp at a time. She has also started having fruits and vegetables at lunch. So far I have made all the food and it is pretty quick and easy with the help of my microwave steamer and food processor. We started with orange vegetables and they were a hit. So were peas and cauliflower. Bananas on the other hand?  Yuck!  I have never heard of a baby hating bananas, but she does. It took her a few tries to like apples so at least thats one fruit she loves. Next will be pears hoping it will be ok. 

And the most exciting news of all...shes finally in 3-6month clothing!  It couldn't have come at a better time, I was getting so sick of the same five tops.  Change is good and growth is better. 

LMI you continue to make everyday adventurous, exciting and an absolute joy. I love watching you grow, laugh and learn new things. Happy 6 month birthday, mommy loves you!

It's In My Genes

The will to fight.

Over the past years 5 years of my IF struggle to conceive and meet LMI many people told me that I was a fighter and very strong. I didn't feel strong at the time, I felt I had no other choice, but to continue to try as many ways as I could to become a mother. I never really thought about where my desire to fight and be strong came from until last week when my dear friend LisainSK connected it to me, my Boobie (grandmother).

Last weekend my Boobie fell in the bathroom at my parents' house. She is 93 and her bones are frail and this fall was bad. She broke her shoulder, her hip and a few ribs. She needed surgery for her hip. The prognosis was not good. This was on Saturday. Scared does not even come close to what my family was feeling. My Zaide (grandfather) passed away when I was a young girl and my mother is an only child. We are all very close with Boobie.

Saturday was spent in the ER assessing the damage and Sunday was spent in anticipation of what the surgery would bring. The term extremely high risk was used...a lot. The thoughts that circled in all our heads were the worst. Thankfully Boobie was so drugged up on pain medication that she didn't know what was happeneing. It was similar to a Greys Anatomy episode where we watched as they wheeled her off to the OR and we were left waiting, hoping and praying that the surgery would be successful. Thankfully it was.

She came through surgery and is now recovering in the hospital. She is a fighter.

Her life has not always been easy. She immigrated to Canada in 1936 from Poland with $5 to her name. The rest of her family remained there only to perish in the Holocaust.

She got married and after eleven years finally conceived my mom. Sixty years ago IVF didn't exist. Women did not go on birth control and people did not put careers first. If you were married the expectation was that children would follow. Those that had difficulty conceiving had no scapegoat. Everyone knew. My mother is her rainbow baby. Her miracle. Her one and only child. My Boobie always felt a connection to me and even though A and I kept our IF from our extended families - she knew. I could often see the pain in her eyes when she talked about her dreams for me and my siblings. I know that she was ecstatic when my sister announced her pregnancy, but she was also quite concerned and devastated for me as well. It broke her heart that I was struggling like she did.

My Boobie is a fighter. She is a survivor. She is facing an extremely long recovery especially for someone her age. A and I postponed our family vacation so that we could be here for her. Because of her, I have the will to fight. I love you Boobie.

-R.

5 Months!

LMI turned five months on Monday. It is so amazing to watch her growth and development change as she gets older. She is now "talking" up a storm. The coos come in every pitch and to everything and one. Our best "conversations" are on the changing table during a diaper change, weird I know. Sometimes I wonder what it is she is actually thinking. Oh to be insider her adoravle head. She is getting bigger 11lbs3oz, but still fits comfortably in her 0-3 onesies. We all know good things come in small packages (especially turquoise blue boxes!). Her dr gave the green light on weaning her night feeds and we began last night.

A typical night is:
700-feed
715-bed
1100ish-feed
2-3-feed
5-6-feed
715-730-wake up

I decided it would be best to cut out the first night feed at 11 since that is the one that fluctuates the most. She has pushed that feed before so I know it is more out of habit than hunger. I decided that I was not going to feed her before 230am (fer.ber says to pick a time and dont back down). So I put her to bed as usual and she woke up at 1120 for her feed, but had to CIO. Only 3 min! But then she woke up at 1148 and CIO for 30min. Since she is still in my room (I am moving her to her crib in 2 weeks after our trip to Florida - no point before since she we will be sleeping in my room while we are away) I was able to watch her without her seeing me so I didnt do any checks. Eventhough she cried, the intensity was not horrible. Nothing was as bad as the first sleep training night a month ago. She put herself back to sleep only to wake again at 1220 and again CIO for 3 min. She then s,ept until 3am! This leads me to believe that she was waking out of routine. After I nursed her she went right back to sleep until 520. She CIO for 3 min and back to sleep. At 630 I fed her and she slept for another hour and then woke for the day. The first part of the night was rough, but seeing her smile in the morning makes me feel better. I can only hope tonight will go better.

Everyone that meets or knows LMI talks about her sweet personality. "She's such a happy baby, does she ever cry?". Um yes! She is now at the point where her harness is driving her nuts. She is getting sick of lying on her back. She wants to roll around and stretch her legs. When we are out of the hiouse shes still the same super easy going happy girl, but at home during playtime, its rough.

We were back at the clinic on Monday and yup, no progress. So we are getting reffered to another specialist, this time at the children's hospital. I'm scared and frustrated. Seven weeks she has wore the stupid harness and no progress? I dont understand. I fear a spica cast is in her future. Sigh.

On a happier note LMI is back to loving cereal. When feeding her too close to a BF she just wasnt hungry. She cant get enough of it. She is starting to associate eating with highchair and gets a huge smile when she gets strapped in. Its totally cute. We also got the green light to start vegetables and fruit, but will wait a couple of weeks as we are going to Florida for our first family vacation and Im nervous to introduce new foods while being away.

Happy 5 month birthday LMI, I love you!