32 and Other Things

I turned another year older on Sunday. Yup, 32. It felt different than my past four birthdays. I woke up and didnt instantly try to hide in bed, I was excited to see what the day would bring. Im not high matenance when it comes to birthdays, I hate being the center of attention so parties and large gatherings are not my scene - this year was no exception. It was a low key relaxing day at home with LMI and A followed by a family dinner at my parents. Perfect. The best part was my present from A. He got me the entire chocloate cake. The one from the Chee.secake Fac.tory, OMG it was freakin' awesome! The weirdest part of the day was the blowing out of the candles and making the wish. I have had the. Same wish for years now but it came true in August. This year's wish a bit more general. It was my first birthday as a mommy and it was perfect.

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We all know what happens after the six week appointment...an appointment with your husband. I was so fucking scared to have sex, I literally lost sleep over it. I played out different scenarios about when, where and how and even came up with rules that A had to abide by (romantic right?).
1) know that it isnt going to feel good for me right now, but if we dont move past the pain, it will never get better. Dont ask if I'm ok every five minutes, it will burt and I know that.
2) the boobs are off limits. Seriously, they are still really sore and tender from BF that I am not intersted in bringing additional attention to that area.
3) This will not be romantic, just get in and out quick.

A was surprising fine with my neurotic rules and after a six month hiatus, the dry spell was over. Yup, we did the deed on my birthday. It wasnt nearly as bad as I was anticipating. Yes, it was uncomfortable, and there was NO deep penetration (sorry for the TMI), but with the help of some KY (a must), it was almost pleasurable. Afterwards, was a whole different story. I was sore...for hours. Not expecting that. It can only get better though. So happy I conquered that fear, it is an awful feeling to be scared o
To be intimate with your husband.

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Along with the sex came a new set of anxiety for me. One that I thought was behind me and would stay away for a little longer. Yup, the TTC fears and stress are back. No, we are not actively trying for a second. I am so incredibly happy and feel fulfilled with LMI. I love waking up next to her in the morning, spending the day with her and putting her to sleep at the end of the day. Every smile she makes, literally makes my heart explode with love. Shes getting bigger and stronger everyday and I am savouring the moments. BUT, I know that in time I want more children. And if it is going to take another five years, then I want to get started now so no, we are not actively trying, but we will have unprotected sex and if nothing happens when we are seriously ready for another child, then back to CO we will go to use our embryos that our waiting for us. It is just a weird place to be in right now. On the one hand I am not ready to be pregnant again so I dont want to be, but on the other hand, I am and will be sad with each passing month of unprotected sex and nothing. IF sucks. I thought I was free from it, but this just reminds me that I am so not.

-R.