Finding My Place

When I first started blogging, it was because I needed support. We had just begun the egg donor process after countless IUI and IVFs and two chemical pregnancies, that i was looking for people who got what I was going through. Being young, there were not many people that had experienced IF in the same way as me and I found it hard to relate to the stories of their journeys this is not to say that I felt my pain was more profound, just different. I was desperate to find a connection to women who similar to me and I was lucky because I found that and so much more.

Sharing my story and reading yours provided me with the realization that I was not alone. Others had walked the same path as me and I learned so much from the strength and determination of you all. I quickly learned that IF sucks just as bad at 40 as it does at 30 and that I had a lot in common with women of all ages. I didnt feel so isolated. When many of you found success, I found myself truly happy and sharing your joy. When one had a loss, I was equally torn up and devastated for you.

I feel like I'm in purgatory right now. I'm again finding my place as a parent after IF and what that means for me and how I blog. Yes, I plan to continue because I still need you and my story is not over. We may have added a player, but our team is not complete. So please bear with me as I navigate my way through parenting after life crushing IF.

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LMI is six weeks! I can hardly believe it. Like many of you said, it only gets better after six weeks. She is now sleeping in longer stretches at night (5hr, 4hr), shes becoming more aware of her surroundings and enjoyi g looking at her toys and the best by far is the smiling. OMG it is amazing. She had been almost smiling, or practicing, for a weekor so, and I wasnt really sure if she was doing it or not, but then right on her six week mark, she gave me two totally awesome, no douting what they are smiles. Melt my heart. She is also gaining weight like a champ - shes now upto 7lbs2oz and is gaining about 22g a day.

Breastfeeding is getting easier, but holy cow its hard work. I think this was the area I was most surprised about. People dont tell you how hard it is and so you feel alone. LMI is exclusively on the breast now unless I choose to give her a bottle. That in itself was a major accomplishment. Being small and under forty weeks, her sucking reflex and stamina were still developing so latching was a major issue. Its still not perfect, but it is waaaaaay better and not nearly as painful. Cracked nippkes suck. They hurt like hell and make you prone to other infections. Once my nipples healed, i got a yeast in my breasts, who ever heard of such a thing? Luckily, its not serious and was easily treated. It does that seem that its one thing after another though. Hopefuly now the trend will be moving in a more positive pain free direction.

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I went for my six week post pardom check up. I was scared shitless about it. It was a piece of cake. I was able to avoid the pap as I had one earleir this year that was normal. Yay yay yay. I also got weighed and learned that i have lost all of my pregnancy weight and then some! Now I need to workon my IVF pounds. A and I talked it over and we decided that we are not going to use birth control. We are both so incredibly happy with LMI, but we would love more children so we feel that after all it took for her to get here, why prolong trying for a second. Tobe fair, you need to have sex to be trying and that is not happening any time soon. I'm way to scared for that. Our plan has always been to have unprotected sex for a year and if nothing, then go back to CO and use our embryos.

Emotionally I'm doing well. Almost to well, I was nervous that I had no signs of the hormone crash or baby blues that people talk about so I brought it up to the RN. She said that although it is common, it is not a guarentee and if it hasnt yet, it probably wont. A and I will still be on the lookout for signs of PPD, but right now I'm feeling pretty good.

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Thanks for continuong to support me, this community is my family.

-R.