What a year!

It has taken me a while to write this post even though in reality I have been thinking about it for quite some time.

LMI turned the Big-One on the 23rd. To say it was a day I will never forget is an understatement. It started with A and I going into her room in the morning and singing her happy birthday. Tears immediately filled my eyes, but I was able to hold it together. It was a regular morning for us all - work and daycare, but I managed to leave work early so we could have some family time. We took for her one year photoshoot and cake smash. Until now, LMI has eaten everything except sweets. I really wanted to capture her first taste on film and it was not disappointing. Afterwards we had a nice dinner just the three of us and then it was off to bed.

It was the perfect way to celebrate.

LMI continues to change all the time. She is cruising around every piece of furniture she can reach and is always pulling herself up to stand. She isn't so sturdy to let go, it will come in time. A few months ago I was sure that she would be walking by now, but now I think it could be a few more months as she really isn't showing much interest. I just hope I am with her for her first steps. She officially has two and half words. Up, uh oh and mmmmm (as in this tastes so good). Its so cute when she throws her sippy cup on the ground and says uh oh. Her hair is also growing and now it can finally hold a tiny clip - no more mistaking her for a boy!

She is still my petite little girl weighing in at 15lbs6oz and measuring 27" at her check up. She loves loves loves to read and can literally sit for twenty minutes just looking at the pictures and flipping through the pages. It is so special to see her gravitate towards books even when there are toys around. It makes my teacher heart expand.

We still look at her everyday and wonder how we were so lucky. I am still completely dumbfounded that she was even conceived at all - especially now with all this trying again. I know my story is not conventional. I know that things like don't happen all the time. I know that this may not happen again for us.

LMI has brought life back into me. The years of TTCing drained me. I don't think I realized how much until I started to feel happy again. I feel like I can breathe. I am coming out of my depressed fog more and more each day and feeling like a happier and healthier R.

Back to Reality

I thought that LMI "fixed" me. That her conception, pregnancy and birth deleted my IF status and made me like them. As much as I talk about TTC2 and needing to go back through all the shit that comes with IF including going to Denver, somewhere deep down I thought I wouldn't. I would continue down the urban legend path, the one where once you have a baby the next comes sooooo easily.

Oh how wrong I was. This was our eleventh month without birth control. It was my fifth actual cycle and our first timed BD according to my holyfuckingawesome ultrasound that showed my thick and triple patterned lining and dominant follicle.

I don't think I was prepared for a BFN. I even had the end.omet.rium ready to start shoving. How pathetic is that?

IF sucks. This is just another reminder of how much.

-R.

Recap

My whirlwind trip has come and gone. It was weird being back in that place both physically and emotionally. So much was familiar and the same - the hotel staff, the clinic people, the IF lingo; butnat the same time a lot has changed. I have changed. From a medical perspective, I am still as unexplained as ever. I have not really increased my changes all that much by having had a successful pregnancy.

The ultrasound showed a couple of things: normal blood flow and not much else. As of CD9 there was no dominant follicle seen and a thin lining of 5.5. I wasnt surprised by this. Since my cycles have been about 34/35 days it is early to be seeing things so a follow up ultrasound was recommended for today at home. Today's ultrasound had surpising findings: a lining of 8.8 and a dominant follicle! Holy shit! Im not sure I believe the ultrasound completely, but it is an improvement.

So the plan is to try a natural FET in the new year. It is risky because you need to watch for ovulation carefully and then you have the transfer 5 days later. It makes scheduling a nightmare, but we are hopeful that by mimicing what my bodyndoes naturally I will have better results. In the meantime - we get busy ;)

***

Being away from LMI and A was not as hard as I imagined. I admit, Im a control freak and asked A to keep me updated on everything she was doing, but knowing she was happy was enough for me to relax a bit. I had a vacation. I got a massage, slept in (oh how nice that sleep was), I finished the Hun.ger Ga.mes trilogy (loved it) and shopped - a lot. It was what I needed before starting work. A day to myself.

***

LMI started her transition to daycare this week. On Monday we went together for an hour to meet the teacher. She absolutely loved the space. We chose a home daycare that has children 11months - 2.5yrs and is located in our neighbourhood. I was really anxious about sending her on Tuesday alone, but she did great. She went to the teacher with no issue and the only crying was me - in my car. The rest of the week continued to be a success and she really seems to be enjoying herself. So much so that she doesnt want to leave. When Inwent to pick her up after the first day, she looked at me, gave a smile and went right back to reading her books. Not exactly the reaction I was hoping for, but Ill take it. She feels happy there. Shes napping, eating and learning. Both our needs are being met and I couldnt be happier. I know things could change, but it was a really positive first week.

I start back at work on Tuesday. :( i am looking forward to working, but I know this transition will be hard on me. Like everything, I will get through it because I have to. It's a long weekend here, so I pkan to rest up, spend time with the fam and enjoy my last few days as a SAHM.

-R.