Yesterday was LMI's hip ultrasound. It was scheduled to be done at the children's hospital. We are very fortunate that my city has a world renowned hospital that specializes in all things children - but, going there for your child is extremely overwhelming. The hospital looks like what every place dedicated to children should, big bright colours, kid friendly wall murals, friendly people and fun things for children to look at and play with. Not to mention, high quality excellent doctors.
I haven't been to this hospital in many many years - probably not since I was a child myself and so going there as a mom was an experience I won't soon forget. Even though we were only there for a non-invasive outpatient procedure, we were still there and it was quite scary.
The ultrasound was not bad at all. In fact, LMI had a huge smile on her face while she was smeared with the cold blue jelly on both of her hips. I left feeling optimistic about the results, but two hours later the pedi called with the news. Immature left hip. LMI needs to be seen by an orthopaedic dr and will most likely be fitted for a Pavlic harness.
I am beyond devastated.
As an IFer, I can handle a lot. I got through all the shit that was thrown at me - and remember, there was a lot. But this is my child. I ache when she suffers. I know in the grand scheme of things, this is not that big a deal, but for right now I am upset. I am just so sick of constantly being faced with challenges, can't I have a break, just once?
Today I am choosing to have a pity party and snuggle with LMI, tomorrow, I will pick myself up, do all my research and be ready to attack hip dysplasia with all I've got. LMI, you have nothing to worry about, your mommy is on the case.
-R.
P.S. if you have any experience with Pavlik harness I would love some specifics.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Thoughts
LMI turned three months old this week. Everyday she is becoming more and more like her own unique person and less newborny. My favourite is when she stretches after a long nap or sleep - it is just so cute. She is now rolling over from her front to back, sitting in her Bum.bo chair, and cooing and swatting her toys. She is also awake for longer stretches in the afternoon/evening which is great for A as he gets some quality play time when he gets home from work. LMI is growing well and is gaining weight appripriately. She is now 9lbs5oz and 21" long - she is definitely on target to double her birth weight by five months. The ultrasound for her hip will be on Monday, but today the dr couldn't detect a click so I'm hopefully she will be fine. Her smiles are infectious and they brighten up my day. I love her more than I could have imagined.
***
I had an appointment with SJ last week. I explained to her that I am feeling out of place and unsure of where I fit in. Since LMI's conception and especially birth I have been treated differently. My IRL friends are now including me in all their "mommy" related buisness, I've been invited to more kids' birthday parties than I care to count and people talk to me about their plans for trying for another baby. Its weird. I dont feel a connection to these people - my friends. I'm still accepting all that I have been through and continue to go through. I still have resentment and anger. I love LMI more than anything, but the years leading up to meeting her were beyond horrible in more ways than one. I feel broken.
I also feel weird in this place. I once knew how Infit in, but now I'm not so sure. Yes I am IF but it feels almost wrong to say that. My sponatenous, out of the blue pregnancy changed my persepctive. Do I think it was 100% natural conception? No fucking way. The leftover hormones amd the biopsy played a part I am sure. I don't like telling my story becausenIndont want to give an IFer false hope. I know how extremely lucky and unique this was. It is not the norm and I dont pretend like it is. I also dont want non IFers to get the wrong impression - the just relax thoughts are so sickening. I almost wish IVF had worked It would be easier in many ways to explain a pregnancy.
SJ made me realize that most of my adult married life I had been working towards a goal - becomming a mother, that I didt have time to develop myself as an adult. I have the opportunity now to reshape my life. To focus on other things and do things for myself. I dont even know where to start. This is something that will take time and soul searching.
I know that I have lost readers since LMI. Maybe because I am becomming one of those mom bloggers who doesnt find the time to blog, or maybe I'm so boring now or maybe my story is too painful for you. Either way, I understand. To those that have continued to support me - THANK YOU. Your friendship means so much to me.
***
To all my cross border friends, I wish you a very happy Thanksgiving.
-R.
***
I had an appointment with SJ last week. I explained to her that I am feeling out of place and unsure of where I fit in. Since LMI's conception and especially birth I have been treated differently. My IRL friends are now including me in all their "mommy" related buisness, I've been invited to more kids' birthday parties than I care to count and people talk to me about their plans for trying for another baby. Its weird. I dont feel a connection to these people - my friends. I'm still accepting all that I have been through and continue to go through. I still have resentment and anger. I love LMI more than anything, but the years leading up to meeting her were beyond horrible in more ways than one. I feel broken.
I also feel weird in this place. I once knew how Infit in, but now I'm not so sure. Yes I am IF but it feels almost wrong to say that. My sponatenous, out of the blue pregnancy changed my persepctive. Do I think it was 100% natural conception? No fucking way. The leftover hormones amd the biopsy played a part I am sure. I don't like telling my story becausenIndont want to give an IFer false hope. I know how extremely lucky and unique this was. It is not the norm and I dont pretend like it is. I also dont want non IFers to get the wrong impression - the just relax thoughts are so sickening. I almost wish IVF had worked It would be easier in many ways to explain a pregnancy.
SJ made me realize that most of my adult married life I had been working towards a goal - becomming a mother, that I didt have time to develop myself as an adult. I have the opportunity now to reshape my life. To focus on other things and do things for myself. I dont even know where to start. This is something that will take time and soul searching.
I know that I have lost readers since LMI. Maybe because I am becomming one of those mom bloggers who doesnt find the time to blog, or maybe I'm so boring now or maybe my story is too painful for you. Either way, I understand. To those that have continued to support me - THANK YOU. Your friendship means so much to me.
***
To all my cross border friends, I wish you a very happy Thanksgiving.
-R.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Fun in the Sun
My first trip to Florida with LMI was a success. We had a fantastic time and I was so proud of myself for going with her when she was so little and without A no less. Both flights were fairly easy. The first she literally slept the whole time (don't breastfeed during take and landing if they're sleeping) and on the way home she was awake for about an hour and slept the rest. I admit i was totally stressed about flying with her, but it was easy. The hardest part was putting my stroller in the fits.just.so. travel bag for gate checking.
My sister and I did a lot of research before going away so that we would be prepared and have all the items needed for a successful trip with a 10 month and 2 month babies. Here are some of the things we found that we liked:
Baby Hut - provided UV protection and was perfect for the beach or pool. It folded up flat so it was easy to pack and had lots of venting.
A travel exersauser - awesome. It can go anywhere and it has places to clip on toys and two cup holders. Also has a travel bag for easy travel.
UV swimwear - there are many different brands. I bought this one because it came in very small sizes and covered arms and legs. I also bought this hat and it provided perfect sun protection.
Sunscreen - there is controversy on this. My pedi recommends sunscreen if you are going to be in the sun. I put it on part of LMI that were exposed to the sun only, however that wasn't very often.
Airplane toys - LMI was too you g and mostly slept, but my niece loved this.
A sling- OMG I don't know what I would have done without this. Its so easy and comfortable and LMI loves it. I also have the bjo.rn, but haven't used it yet.
Also don't forget your comforts from home. We brought our white noise machine (although the waterfall by the pool worked too), swaddle blankets, muslin blankets, burp cloths and all the other items you will need. Make sure you have a way to give a bath if they cant sit on their own, i used this and it was perfect.
All in all it was great to get away, but a totally different experience. As much as it was relaxing, I never just lay out. LMI never seemed to nap at the right times, but it didn't matter. Just being away was enough.
***
LMI and I went to our first mom and baby fitness class. We sucked. I was an out of shape disaster that couldn't follow or keep up with the step class and she either slept or BARFED ALL OVER ME. Yay we are going to be a huge hit there. Lol.
As well, LMI is now out of the cosleeper and in the bassinet (still in my room) and is sleeping 6-7 hours straight!
-R.
My sister and I did a lot of research before going away so that we would be prepared and have all the items needed for a successful trip with a 10 month and 2 month babies. Here are some of the things we found that we liked:
Baby Hut - provided UV protection and was perfect for the beach or pool. It folded up flat so it was easy to pack and had lots of venting.
A travel exersauser - awesome. It can go anywhere and it has places to clip on toys and two cup holders. Also has a travel bag for easy travel.
UV swimwear - there are many different brands. I bought this one because it came in very small sizes and covered arms and legs. I also bought this hat and it provided perfect sun protection.
Sunscreen - there is controversy on this. My pedi recommends sunscreen if you are going to be in the sun. I put it on part of LMI that were exposed to the sun only, however that wasn't very often.
Airplane toys - LMI was too you g and mostly slept, but my niece loved this.
A sling- OMG I don't know what I would have done without this. Its so easy and comfortable and LMI loves it. I also have the bjo.rn, but haven't used it yet.
Also don't forget your comforts from home. We brought our white noise machine (although the waterfall by the pool worked too), swaddle blankets, muslin blankets, burp cloths and all the other items you will need. Make sure you have a way to give a bath if they cant sit on their own, i used this and it was perfect.
All in all it was great to get away, but a totally different experience. As much as it was relaxing, I never just lay out. LMI never seemed to nap at the right times, but it didn't matter. Just being away was enough.
***
LMI and I went to our first mom and baby fitness class. We sucked. I was an out of shape disaster that couldn't follow or keep up with the step class and she either slept or BARFED ALL OVER ME. Yay we are going to be a huge hit there. Lol.
As well, LMI is now out of the cosleeper and in the bassinet (still in my room) and is sleeping 6-7 hours straight!
-R.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
First Trip
I'm sitting on the airplane with LMI snuggled into me in her sling (best thing ever) for our first trip together - amazing. I of course packed as if we were moving half way across the world even if we are only going to Florida for a week, but I want to be prepared.
This is my first real vacation in five years. Yes, I have been away, but IF treatments were always involved in some capacity. It was so nice not having to explain IVF to the Customs officer and not sneaking off to a secluded nook to shoot up. This time the ice pack was for breastmilk bottles, not Gonal F. Weird.
I plan to enjoy the week in the sun and relax. LMI has her UV swimsuit and we are ready for the beach. The iPod is loaded up with Glee and we have our Weissbluth reading.
See you in a week and happy Halloween!
-R.
This is my first real vacation in five years. Yes, I have been away, but IF treatments were always involved in some capacity. It was so nice not having to explain IVF to the Customs officer and not sneaking off to a secluded nook to shoot up. This time the ice pack was for breastmilk bottles, not Gonal F. Weird.
I plan to enjoy the week in the sun and relax. LMI has her UV swimsuit and we are ready for the beach. The iPod is loaded up with Glee and we have our Weissbluth reading.
See you in a week and happy Halloween!
-R.
Monday, October 24, 2011
2 Months
LMI had her two month check up today. I was a mess in anticipation of the vaccine shots - you remember me and needles. Needless to say, I was up most of the night worrying about it.
She's now upto 8lbs1oz and is 20.5", so growing and gaining well. I don't think she's on the growth charts yet, but she's on a steady incline so I'm happy with that.
She's smiling and laughing all the time now and it is the most amazing thing in the world to see. She's also becoming quite strong. She lifts her head up and turns from side to side. She even rolled over 3 times today (but her pedi thinks it was by mistake).
I am starting to learn her signs more clearly now and identify her different cries. It took me a while to realize that crying didn't = feed me...NOW. It has definitely been a learning curve for me.
The one part of today's visit that was concerning was her hip. Apparently it clicks. The dr asked if she was a breech birth (no) so, we need to investigate further. We will get an ultrasound done and then see if and what should be done. If you have any advice on this I'm all ears please.
The vaccine was much harder on me than on her. Yes, she cried like I have never heard before with huge tears streaming down her face, but after a few minutes (which seemed like an eternity, probably only 2 or 3) she was calm again. She is feeling pretty tired and is a different fussy than usual, but thankfully no fever yet.
LMI and I are taking our first trip together next week. We are heading to Florida for a week with my parents, sister and niece. I am so excited to get away and this will be my first vacation in YEARS that didn't revolve around my cycle, IF treatment or medication times. I can't wait. I am nervous for the flight as I have no idea what to expect. She will be ten weeks so again, advice is welcome.
LMI - I can't believe you're already two months old. You have grown so much and are becoming your own person. I love waking up and seeing your smiling face and watching you learn new things everyday. I love being your mommy and I love you with all my heart.
-R.
She's now upto 8lbs1oz and is 20.5", so growing and gaining well. I don't think she's on the growth charts yet, but she's on a steady incline so I'm happy with that.
She's smiling and laughing all the time now and it is the most amazing thing in the world to see. She's also becoming quite strong. She lifts her head up and turns from side to side. She even rolled over 3 times today (but her pedi thinks it was by mistake).
I am starting to learn her signs more clearly now and identify her different cries. It took me a while to realize that crying didn't = feed me...NOW. It has definitely been a learning curve for me.
The one part of today's visit that was concerning was her hip. Apparently it clicks. The dr asked if she was a breech birth (no) so, we need to investigate further. We will get an ultrasound done and then see if and what should be done. If you have any advice on this I'm all ears please.
The vaccine was much harder on me than on her. Yes, she cried like I have never heard before with huge tears streaming down her face, but after a few minutes (which seemed like an eternity, probably only 2 or 3) she was calm again. She is feeling pretty tired and is a different fussy than usual, but thankfully no fever yet.
LMI and I are taking our first trip together next week. We are heading to Florida for a week with my parents, sister and niece. I am so excited to get away and this will be my first vacation in YEARS that didn't revolve around my cycle, IF treatment or medication times. I can't wait. I am nervous for the flight as I have no idea what to expect. She will be ten weeks so again, advice is welcome.
LMI - I can't believe you're already two months old. You have grown so much and are becoming your own person. I love waking up and seeing your smiling face and watching you learn new things everyday. I love being your mommy and I love you with all my heart.
-R.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
32 and Other Things
I turned another year older on Sunday. Yup, 32. It felt different than my past four birthdays. I woke up and didnt instantly try to hide in bed, I was excited to see what the day would bring. Im not high matenance when it comes to birthdays, I hate being the center of attention so parties and large gatherings are not my scene - this year was no exception. It was a low key relaxing day at home with LMI and A followed by a family dinner at my parents. Perfect. The best part was my present from A. He got me the entire chocloate cake. The one from the Chee.secake Fac.tory, OMG it was freakin' awesome! The weirdest part of the day was the blowing out of the candles and making the wish. I have had the. Same wish for years now but it came true in August. This year's wish a bit more general. It was my first birthday as a mommy and it was perfect.
***
We all know what happens after the six week appointment...an appointment with your husband. I was so fucking scared to have sex, I literally lost sleep over it. I played out different scenarios about when, where and how and even came up with rules that A had to abide by (romantic right?).
1) know that it isnt going to feel good for me right now, but if we dont move past the pain, it will never get better. Dont ask if I'm ok every five minutes, it will burt and I know that.
2) the boobs are off limits. Seriously, they are still really sore and tender from BF that I am not intersted in bringing additional attention to that area.
3) This will not be romantic, just get in and out quick.
A was surprising fine with my neurotic rules and after a six month hiatus, the dry spell was over. Yup, we did the deed on my birthday. It wasnt nearly as bad as I was anticipating. Yes, it was uncomfortable, and there was NO deep penetration (sorry for the TMI), but with the help of some KY (a must), it was almost pleasurable. Afterwards, was a whole different story. I was sore...for hours. Not expecting that. It can only get better though. So happy I conquered that fear, it is an awful feeling to be scared o
To be intimate with your husband.
***
Along with the sex came a new set of anxiety for me. One that I thought was behind me and would stay away for a little longer. Yup, the TTC fears and stress are back. No, we are not actively trying for a second. I am so incredibly happy and feel fulfilled with LMI. I love waking up next to her in the morning, spending the day with her and putting her to sleep at the end of the day. Every smile she makes, literally makes my heart explode with love. Shes getting bigger and stronger everyday and I am savouring the moments. BUT, I know that in time I want more children. And if it is going to take another five years, then I want to get started now so no, we are not actively trying, but we will have unprotected sex and if nothing happens when we are seriously ready for another child, then back to CO we will go to use our embryos that our waiting for us. It is just a weird place to be in right now. On the one hand I am not ready to be pregnant again so I dont want to be, but on the other hand, I am and will be sad with each passing month of unprotected sex and nothing. IF sucks. I thought I was free from it, but this just reminds me that I am so not.
-R.
***
We all know what happens after the six week appointment...an appointment with your husband. I was so fucking scared to have sex, I literally lost sleep over it. I played out different scenarios about when, where and how and even came up with rules that A had to abide by (romantic right?).
1) know that it isnt going to feel good for me right now, but if we dont move past the pain, it will never get better. Dont ask if I'm ok every five minutes, it will burt and I know that.
2) the boobs are off limits. Seriously, they are still really sore and tender from BF that I am not intersted in bringing additional attention to that area.
3) This will not be romantic, just get in and out quick.
A was surprising fine with my neurotic rules and after a six month hiatus, the dry spell was over. Yup, we did the deed on my birthday. It wasnt nearly as bad as I was anticipating. Yes, it was uncomfortable, and there was NO deep penetration (sorry for the TMI), but with the help of some KY (a must), it was almost pleasurable. Afterwards, was a whole different story. I was sore...for hours. Not expecting that. It can only get better though. So happy I conquered that fear, it is an awful feeling to be scared o
To be intimate with your husband.
***
Along with the sex came a new set of anxiety for me. One that I thought was behind me and would stay away for a little longer. Yup, the TTC fears and stress are back. No, we are not actively trying for a second. I am so incredibly happy and feel fulfilled with LMI. I love waking up next to her in the morning, spending the day with her and putting her to sleep at the end of the day. Every smile she makes, literally makes my heart explode with love. Shes getting bigger and stronger everyday and I am savouring the moments. BUT, I know that in time I want more children. And if it is going to take another five years, then I want to get started now so no, we are not actively trying, but we will have unprotected sex and if nothing happens when we are seriously ready for another child, then back to CO we will go to use our embryos that our waiting for us. It is just a weird place to be in right now. On the one hand I am not ready to be pregnant again so I dont want to be, but on the other hand, I am and will be sad with each passing month of unprotected sex and nothing. IF sucks. I thought I was free from it, but this just reminds me that I am so not.
-R.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
LMI's Nursery
The furniture for the nursery finally arrived and we have spent the last few days organizing and putting stuff away. I am so happy with how it has turned out so far, and aside from the finishing touches on the walls, the room is done. I hope LMI loves her nursery and is as happy in it as I was designing it for her.
As promised, here are a few pics:
This is the chandelier (obviously), it's on a dimmer and at night when I rock her in the glider, it shows beautiful prism designs on the wall. Love it!
The furniture is from the Canadian company, Moth.er Hub.bard's Cup.board. The crib skirt is from my favourite - PBK. I am hoping to put up a wall decal from The.ee Hip Chi.cks (the clara) with LMI's name on it, over the crib.
The crystal knobs, just screamed girly girls room. Perfect little touches. We are hanging three 7x7 white frames with pictures from our photo shoot. I can't wait!
My favourite part of her room. I love spending time with LMI in my arms rocking her (in my not so pretty, but totally comfortable glider), reading her my favourite books (Rob.ert Mun.sch, Er.ic Car.le) or singing her some songs. The drapes and lamp are also from PBK. I am planning to put up some book shelves on the walls, and the yellow giraffe from the dresser will be book ends.
-R.
As promised, here are a few pics:
This is the chandelier (obviously), it's on a dimmer and at night when I rock her in the glider, it shows beautiful prism designs on the wall. Love it!
The furniture is from the Canadian company, Moth.er Hub.bard's Cup.board. The crib skirt is from my favourite - PBK. I am hoping to put up a wall decal from The.ee Hip Chi.cks (the clara) with LMI's name on it, over the crib.
The crystal knobs, just screamed girly girls room. Perfect little touches. We are hanging three 7x7 white frames with pictures from our photo shoot. I can't wait!
My favourite part of her room. I love spending time with LMI in my arms rocking her (in my not so pretty, but totally comfortable glider), reading her my favourite books (Rob.ert Mun.sch, Er.ic Car.le) or singing her some songs. The drapes and lamp are also from PBK. I am planning to put up some book shelves on the walls, and the yellow giraffe from the dresser will be book ends.
-R.
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