DE Reflections/Freak Outs

It has been forever since my last post. I'm not sure why though. I still check in on this space regularly - and keep reading your blogs and posts daily, but commenting and updating just haven't been happening. I'm sorry for my absence, it's nothing personal, just avoiding I guess.

This pregnancy is flying by. I'm now 28 weeks (how did that happen?) and so far, things are progressing normally! I of course failed the one-hour glucose test, however I did manage to slightly pass the two-hour so as now I am GD free! My blood pressure is also surprising good right now and generally I am feeling pretty good. It is weird to be so normal - but I am not complaining. I am loving it.

I remember the anatomy scan as if it were yesterday. A. and many others were convinced we were having a boy as my morning sickness was out of control and so so different than with LMI. I was still throwing up almost daily until 20/21 weeks. I didn't have a feeling one way or another, but since everyone predicted boy I started thinking of blue amd boys names. So after the measurements were completed and the baby looked healthy the big reveal came..."looks like you'll have two girls". At first I thought he meant that there were two babies in there, but no, just one healthy GIRL. Sisters! We were surprised and shocked and totally excited. And so we've decided to name my baby Hazelnut. It's an ode to my Boobie and makes me smile when I say it.

I am feeling quite anxious and overwhelmed with the DE aspect of this pregnancy. I am obsessed with the fact that our donor is a giant (considering I am so the opposite) and find myself obsessing over the fetal size of this pregnancy. Right now Hazelnut is measuring in the 44%ile and I couldn't be happier, but until last week, she was measuring quite small. We both had a bit of a weight gain this month ;). A. and I feel quite strongly that we do not want the fact that this baby was conceived differently from LMI to be a secret or something shameful - we are proud of our journey and the l-o-n-g and bumpy road that will have brought us to our family of four, but, I can't find the words or the timing or the moment to tell those closest to us. Every time, I think I am ready, it turns out that emotionally something is blocking me. I have spoken at length with SJ and we went over some potential questions that family may ask us once we disclose and A and I have talked at length about what we feel comfortable sharing and what we feel is private and for our child to share when/if she is ready. So, what is stopping us? It is not like we want to hire the Good.year blimp or skywrite the news, but I really want close extended family and friends to know and not have this secret hanging over our heads.

I would really love your thoughts on when and who and how you told about your DE/DS conceptions.

I know that everyone says that once the baby is born, none of this will matter, but right now, it consumes me. I can't stop thinking about what the baby will look like, will she resemble LMI or A.? I know in my head that even when siblings are 100% genetically related they often don't look or act alike, but in my irrational brain I can't stop thinking about it. I think about how I am going to react every time someone tells me that she has my eyes or smile and I try to come up with my response now so that the crazy postpartum hormones don't get the best of me and I snap or fall apart. I think about how LMI and Hazelnut will grow up and I hope that there will be no issues that are different from the normal sibling rivalry stuff. Maybe this is my version of nesting, since I am not planning on re-organizing or cleaning my house.

My head is a mess, which is probably contributing to my lack of reaching out and communicating. I'm over the moon excited about this pregnancy and the idea of adding to our family. I'm so excited to see LMI as a big sister and I know that she will love her little sister to the end of the world. I guess it's just nerves...I can't wait to meet my Hazelnut and tell her how much I love her.

-R.

Toddler Sleep Regression?

LMI was Ferberized at 4.5 months and has been putting herself to sleep ever since. She falls asleep for naps and bedtime with little fuss and sleeps pretty soundly until the morning, but all that changed in the last two weeks.

She has been fighting going to sleep. She is now 19months and when I put her to bed she stands in the crib and screams, "mommy". It's awful. She has cried anywhere from 5 min to over an hour. What is up?

I am trying to let her CIO but this is so out of the ordinary for her that I do find myself going in to sit on the floor by her crib and talk to her. I try not to pick her up or run her back, but after 2 hours I don't know what else to do.

The worst of it is at bedtime. She goes to bed around 7:30 with the same routine every night - milk bath books bed. But she is now falling asleep closer to 9 pm! Naps aren't terrible. The crying is only for a few minutes and she continues to sleep from 1-2:30.

I don't know what is going on. Any suggestions or ideas are welcome.

-R.

First Ultrasound!

Yesterday my anxiety about the first ultrasound was out.of.control. I was awoken in the middle of the night to severe cramping which of course caused me to freak out. Luckily there was no blood. I knew that it was related to nerves, but it still didn't calm me down.

At 6w5d I was expecting to see a heartbeat. I have been suffering from morning sickness worse than with LMI - I have ha to pull my car over on my drive to work four mornings now. So that symptom was keeping me going and hoping for the best.

The ultrasound clinic does not allow spouses into the exam room until the end and the tech said to A. "If everything is ok, I will call you back". Being in the room alone terrified me. I kept thinking back to the ultrasound in 2010 where there was no fetal pole...

I got on the table and she Immediately started looking around on my belly. There were l-o-n-g periods of silence followed by, "when was your transfer again?" I was literally throwing up in my mouth. And then just like that she found it!

There was a heartbeat! 123bpm and we were able to hear - tears came to my eyes. I was so relieved. The embryo measured 7weeks and so right on track.

I met with the RE after and she decided that I need to be monitored weekly for the first trimester so weekly ultrasounds it is. I'm glad she's taking such a proactive approach.

So for today (and yesterday) I am relieved and hopeful.

-R.

Results

HCG more than doubled today from 219 to 641.3! The sigh is starting to come out. Of course there are many hills to climb, but this is a win today. I haven't heard from a CO nurse yet, and may not until tomorrow because the local clinic has fax issues, but I am hoping that the huge jump in numbers isn't out of the ordinary or bad - the local nurse said it was good. Trying to trust in the process and be in the moment (not always easy for me).

Thank you for the outpouring of support.

-R.

The Day I Have Been Waiting For...

I have been obsessively POASing since 5dp5dt. All BFP albeit of different darknesses. It had me both worried (one day dark line, next day very light almost can't see it) and cautiously optimistic. I even had some nice red/brown spotting to through into the mix - to keep me on my toes. Of course I emailed NN to discuss this and she wouldn't entertain me in a conversation until I was "really pregnant". Ugh.

So today's HCG came in at 219! My estrogen is 528 and progesterone is 31.88. I'm relieved and cautiously optimistic by these numbers. Back on Sunday for a repeat HCG and assuming the number doubles, I may let out a small sigh of relief.

-R.

18 Months!

February 23rd was the big day. LMI is a full on toddler! Seriously, its nuts. You wouldn't know to look at her - she's still quite small at almost 19lbs, but her capabilities and comprehension are full on toddler.

- She is running all over the place. It's so cute to watch her yell, "go go go go go..." while running up and down the hallway.

- Her language skills are increasing everyday. It is so unbelievable to watch her learn a new word and master a new part of the body or animal sound. It seems like something new happens daily. It's really cool. My favourites are the sound a rooster makes, "cock-a-du-du" and belly button (accompanied by pointing).

- Getting dressed is one of the most fun activities a person can do. She loves trying to put on her pants and socks. She practices all the time and feels so proud if her boots make it on her feet!

- Reading. She can sit for long periods of time just looking at books, identifying things she knows in the pictures and asking us to read to her. If we say a line from a book, she is able to find the book. We aren't really sure where she gets this love of reading, but we are celebrating it!

- LMI is a garbage disposal. For such a small girl she sure eats A LOT. Fajita's are one of her favourite foods. Like ever. She sucks the chicken pieces up and loves to try and get the fork through the pieces. Of course, pizza is always a pleaser and so is fruit. Any fruit. And just when we think she can't possibly shove more food into her mouth - "bite". Lol.

- Lastly, LMI is such an affectionate little girl. She greets us in the morning with a big HI and smile. She hugs us and all of her stuffed animals with pats on the back. Seriously, she has started taking care of her stuffed animals by putting them in the high chair and the shopping cart. She has a "baby", but other than giving it a kiss she really isn't so interested in it yet.

And that is LMI in a very brief nutshell. Cute, funny and loving life.

What Do You Think?

10 000 units of hcg were shot into my ass on Friday, February 16th at night. Today is ten days past trigger and 5dp5dt. Very clear BFP.

Could it be real?
-R.