I have become a raging hormonal beyotch! Seriously, I can't seem to get my hormones in check and it is starting to scare me.
Yesterday was an emotional day for me. It was brought to my attention just how fucked up IF and my personal journey has made me. People are afraid of me. Not in the I'm going to hurt you kind of way, but more in the don't talk to her about her pregnancy or anything slightly related as we don't know how she will react. Yup, apparently, I have put out the vibe for everyone to pretend as if I am not pregnant. Wow. That's news to me.
To be fair, I have never been one to gush over something and I am not such a touchy feely kind of person, so I would never have been all over this belly of mine anyway...but I can see how I am a bit of ticking time bomb, but can you blame me? The last five years have been plagued with nothing but heartache, fear, anxiety, depression, loss... Of course I am guarded. Of course I am scared to death - especially now with my newest set of anxieties, however I am keeping those worries at bay and am doing a pretty job of it.
I am mad. Mad at everyone that is judging me right now. Who do they think they are? A. has always been the eternal optimist and in his heart he knew everything would be ok (this drives me NUTS) so as much as he longed for a child and was devastated with each disappointment, failure and loss - he didn't allow it to destroy him. On the outside he was the same optimistic person he has always been. Pair that up with me, and well you have a couple of polar opposites.
I thought I was doing well. I talk about the pregnancy when I can, and even had A's family listen to the heartbeat on the doppler. I wear maternity clothes and make reference to Little Miss IT and her arrival on an ongoing basis. BUT, I am not keen on anyone except A. touching my belly - at least not until there is definitive movement and I am not all roses and sunshine all the time. I am scared shitless.
I still have a hard time around babies and toddlers - especially those conceived since we have been TTCing. I don't go out of my way to engage them and apparently their parents get upset. Really? How fucking stupid is that? In the last three weeks, two different sets of parents have commented to A. that I did not seem that taken by their children. Seriously? WTH? These are both from people that know intimately what we have gone through and even if they didn't, who cares. I didn't realize that the proper protocol for seeing a friend's child is to stop everything and devote all your time to their infant or toddler - that doesn't know me. Are these people for real? Am I wrong? And besides, it was not as if I ignored them and their children, I said hello and made a comment about how cute their child was, but that was probably all. I guess that wasn't good enough.
I hate feeling judged. I told A. that I don't want to be around people who scrutinize every thing I do with their higher than thou microscope. I can't take it. If I could live in a private bubble, I would.
I honestly don't know how to move past this. I am not going to change in the next four months. I continue to worry about the fate of this pregnancy and Little Miss IT. I don't want to share the intimate details of my anxiety with the world, nor should I have to, but I feel that people demand this. It is so unfair that this time in my life is being tainted by selfishness. I have every right to act and behave however I choose and if people don't get that, they can fuck themselves in my opinion. A. agrees with me, but not enough to let people have it when they come to him with their stupid shit. UGH.
Today is Mother's Day (like we all could forget) and although I am not yet a mother, I am closer than I have ever been. I should be happy today. I should be celebrating the huge milestone that is approaching. I should be excited that I am two weeks away from viability, but unfortunately, I am mess like every year. This year should be different - and in many ways it is, but there is still profound sadness in my heart. Being pregnant does not take away the pain of the last five years nor does it make you forget. For me it was the opposite. It is a constant reminder of how life is unpredictable and we are not in control of anything. Don't get me wrong, I am so thankful to be here and the bonding between me and Little Miss IT has definitely started, but that is separate. I can't forget my past as it makes me appreciate my present. I am not taking one minute of this miracle for granted, but I am also very aware that we are far from the other side.
I am sure this post came across like a rambling mess, but that's what I have in me right now. I don't have the strength to talk about my real Mother's Day feelings or seeing my sister and niece today. I just don't have it in me. I'm tired of feeling like a failure and a depressed mess. I am tired of people commenting on my every move. I am just so tired of all of this. Thanks for reading and supporting me. I know today is excruciatingly difficult for so many and I don't want to come across as insensitive or ungrateful. I am going to blame the hormones for my irrational behaviour and emotions.