Sunday, May 8, 2011

Raging Hormones

I have become a raging hormonal beyotch! Seriously, I can't seem to get my hormones in check and it is starting to scare me.

Yesterday was an emotional day for me. It was brought to my attention just how fucked up IF and my personal journey has made me. People are afraid of me. Not in the I'm going to hurt you kind of way, but more in the don't talk to her about her pregnancy or anything slightly related as we don't know how she will react. Yup, apparently, I have put out the vibe for everyone to pretend as if I am not pregnant. Wow. That's news to me.

To be fair, I have never been one to gush over something and I am not such a touchy feely kind of person, so I would never have been all over this belly of mine anyway...but I can see how I am a bit of ticking time bomb, but can you blame me? The last five years have been plagued with nothing but heartache, fear, anxiety, depression, loss... Of course I am guarded. Of course I am scared to death - especially now with my newest set of anxieties, however I am keeping those worries at bay and am doing a pretty job of it.

I am mad. Mad at everyone that is judging me right now. Who do they think they are? A. has always been the eternal optimist and in his heart he knew everything would be ok (this drives me NUTS) so as much as he longed for a child and was devastated with each disappointment, failure and loss - he didn't allow it to destroy him. On the outside he was the same optimistic person he has always been. Pair that up with me, and well you have a couple of polar opposites.

I thought I was doing well. I talk about the pregnancy when I can, and even had A's family listen to the heartbeat on the doppler. I wear maternity clothes and make reference to Little Miss IT and her arrival on an ongoing basis. BUT, I am not keen on anyone except A. touching my belly - at least not until there is definitive movement and I am not all roses and sunshine all the time. I am scared shitless.

I still have a hard time around babies and toddlers - especially those conceived since we have been TTCing. I don't go out of my way to engage them and apparently their parents get upset. Really? How fucking stupid is that? In the last three weeks, two different sets of parents have commented to A. that I did not seem that taken by their children. Seriously? WTH? These are both from people that know intimately what we have gone through and even if they didn't, who cares. I didn't realize that the proper protocol for seeing a friend's child is to stop everything and devote all your time to their infant or toddler - that doesn't know me. Are these people for real? Am I wrong? And besides, it was not as if I ignored them and their children, I said hello and made a comment about how cute their child was, but that was probably all. I guess that wasn't good enough.

I hate feeling judged. I told A. that I don't want to be around people who scrutinize every thing I do with their higher than thou microscope. I can't take it. If I could live in a private bubble, I would.

I honestly don't know how to move past this. I am not going to change in the next four months. I continue to worry about the fate of this pregnancy and Little Miss IT. I don't want to share the intimate details of my anxiety with the world, nor should I have to, but I feel that people demand this. It is so unfair that this time in my life is being tainted by selfishness. I have every right to act and behave however I choose and if people don't get that, they can fuck themselves in my opinion. A. agrees with me, but not enough to let people have it when they come to him with their stupid shit. UGH.

Today is Mother's Day (like we all could forget) and although I am not yet a mother, I am closer than I have ever been. I should be happy today. I should be celebrating the huge milestone that is approaching. I should be excited that I am two weeks away from viability, but unfortunately, I am mess like every year. This year should be different - and in many ways it is, but there is still profound sadness in my heart. Being pregnant does not take away the pain of the last five years nor does it make you forget. For me it was the opposite. It is a constant reminder of how life is unpredictable and we are not in control of anything. Don't get me wrong, I am so thankful to be here and the bonding between me and Little Miss IT has definitely started, but that is separate. I can't forget my past as it makes me appreciate my present. I am not taking one minute of this miracle for granted, but I am also very aware that we are far from the other side.

I am sure this post came across like a rambling mess, but that's what I have in me right now. I don't have the strength to talk about my real Mother's Day feelings or seeing my sister and niece today. I just don't have it in me. I'm tired of feeling like a failure and a depressed mess. I am tired of people commenting on my every move. I am just so tired of all of this. Thanks for reading and supporting me. I know today is excruciatingly difficult for so many and I don't want to come across as insensitive or ungrateful. I am going to blame the hormones for my irrational behaviour and emotions.



  1. Those people suck. Seriously. They know your history and yet they criticize you for not gushing over their kids? Gag. You have every right to your feelings which are completely understandable considering what you've gone through. Hang in there R.

  2. People just don't get it. I am the same way and won't feel like everything worked out until my boys are here and healthy and they are already viable! Lots of people still don't know and I am sure your tradition is the same as mine - no baby shower and only gifts when they are here. However, that is now getting to me because I have two and I don't want to run around when they are here. I know they will probably start in the NICU since I was told identicals cannot be carried for more than 36 weeks, unlike fraternals. I hope to go that long, but most don't. So glad I live far away and close people haven't said it to the world.


  3. Hang in there, lady. It ain't easy, but I'm thrilled for you that you're your closest ever to mommyhood. It won't be long now.

  4. I was one of your old due date buddies and can't tell you how happy I am for you! I was the same way about my pregnancy, I even distanced myself at the c-section incase something went wrong. For some reason I thought he wouldn't be big enough either! I kept picturing him the size of a seahorse lol.

    BTW. He's 12 weeks now and I'm still scared something will go wrong. Like I cheated to get pregnant between cycles lol

  5. Oh, I can so identify with you here. I'm not a gusher either, and under any circumstance, I don't like it when people gush over me, but especially not now. I'm tired of people trying to inflict their own feelings and behaviors on me, and then acting like I'm somehow at fault because I don't act like them. Several people have wished me a happy Mother's Day, and I haven't reacted well. It just feels arrogant and presumptuous to me to be celebrating Mother's Day when I'm 21 weeks pregnant. There's still so far to go. And prior pregnancy loss makes some of us acutely aware of that.

  6. I didn't recognize the beach I became when I was pregnant with all the hormones I had going through me.

    A friend of mine had a suggestion of any stranger or person your not comfortable with were to your pregnant belly. Touch theirs back. I never had to do this but was ready to in a moments notice. I'd love to see the that person's face.

    I don't know you and are thinking about you I hope you and A get through this time with as much ease as possible.

    I know you like The Shopaholic Books. I really liked Something Borrowed by Emily Giffin and really anything by her. It's also a movie that just came out. I plan on seeing it tomorrow. Might be good therapy.

    Do what you need to do to get through this time.

  7. people just don't think -- they're too wrapped up in themselves (and especially their children once they have them) to even begin to think about you. so don't take that on board -- you're doing a great job and you're doing the best you can. and if they don't like it, they can go jump!

  8. Would people please stop being selfish I can totally relate to peoples selfishness and they should not judge you or think they know how you are feeling we are all different....

  9. I feel your pain and I am definately not taking sides. But from my experience with IF and other BS in my life and marriage, there is almost always a misunderstanding or miscommunication when things like this arise. Unless the people you are talking about have a history of acting this way, if they are real friends they might even be surprised by what you and A think of them. At least you and A are on the same page.

  10. I hope this post allowed you to vent...sounds like it did just that. Your post resonates with alot of what I feel as well...even at 30 weeks pg I am still freaked out too. Its almost a habit for me to just not look at kids too and little by little I am trying to shed that habit. Like last night, while at the ER, a mom with a sick toddler was in and I struck up a conversation. She tells me her DD is 19 months and another one at home that is 2 months. She tells me how easy labour was and how her last DS took five pushes to get him out and she thought "wow!! I could totally have a dozen of these". OH HOW FREAKING LOVELY - YOU ARE INDEED A FERTILE - MUST BE NICE TO POP EM LIKE PEZ!! I think she was cueing me to say "oh yeah, took me like five minutes to get pg - nothing to it". But I didn't....just listened how her SIL has children same age and how they live so close together and planned to get pregnant together. I open up and try to be nice and whammo...just a reminder of how much of a freak of nature I am carrying around a DE baby?! Anyway, whatever...I know this will all pass in time. And some moments will be tougher than others. As long as we've got each other and our community the better off we will be. You're not alone.

  11. R... I know it is hard, but you have to believe that those close to you and A wouldn't judge you too harshly. They no doubt know what you are going through and for sure understand that it takes a toll. What they can't understand is how that toll manifests itself. Just as you don't want to be judged too harshly, try not to judge others the same way. If these are friends/family who typically show you support and understanding, I am positive they wouldn't start now, by demanding you "gush" over their children. Remember, others can't relate to your IF, because it's not their reality (you can't know what you haven't experienced). The same is true about having a child. Don't pretend to know what it's like to have a child. In my experience with IF, whenever I saw a friend's kid, I always reacted by saying a very quick "hi", usually with very little eye contact, and quickly moved on. I never thought that to be rude or insensitive, after all, I did say hi. It wasn't until I had my own children that I realized that I was detached and distant, even cold. I was treating the child like an object of fertility, rather than as a unique human being. Maybe that understanding only comes from the experience of having one of your own. The truth is, IF has robbed you of your ability to see friends and family's intentions for what they are; for the most part those that love and care for you and A, are genuine. Please be careful not to misconstrue those intentions as somehow being hurtful to you. Haven't you lost enough over the years? Don't allow your hormones or built up resentment cost you any more.

  12. No advice, but I am here and listening. My personal opinion is that we all process our feelings differently, and you shouldn't have to feel guilty or sad over anything that you are feeling. Hang in there.

  13. Hey There,
    I think that some people are judgemental about things, and that some people are not. Not just IF. For example, a close colleague of mine lost her husband to cancer (very quickly, 3 months from diagnosis to death) and 2 weeks after she was away, some of our other colleages were saying "when is she coming back, I'm tired of doing extra work" or "how long is she going to take off?". Seriously - this woman has just buried her husband and you guys are being bitchy??
    But what I learned was that some people are judgemental about things - and our reactions to IF are not immune from that.
    I must agree with an earlier poster about not judging others too harshly - A few years ago I was talking to a friend about her failed adoption - and I actually said "you'll be able to adopt another baby.". I really meant it as a kind thing to say. She had met the baby already, but that is what I said. And I thought nothing of it. Until I had my own losses, and knew what it was like to lose the *dream* of a baby, even though I didn't really know him/her yet. So I called my friend and apologized and was so embarrased. And you know what she said - she said "you are such a kind friend, I knew your intentions were good, and it didn't upset me at all, I was happy to have you to talk to".
    So, all that said.... everyone has sad stuff. Could you be dealing with your stuff better - probably. I know I could have. But that said - you are doing the best you can.
    I don't think A should tell you if people say stuff - its not helpful and just upsetting, and you need to just accept that many people think others should do things differently (and better) but that is just them...

  14. Oh, R... sorry that you are feeling overwhelmed by your hormones. I think we all know what that's like. I know your intentions are well meaning, and life is stressful as it is. I also don't mean to take sides, but I've been lurking for a while and feel the need to come out of the woodwork and offer my 2 cents, based on my own experiences...
    My DH has a group of very close friends. They know our history and have always been super supportive of our struggles and our journey. They all have kids, and DH has been able to be an "Uncle" to them, while I have essentially disappeared from our social circle. Sure, I have a few friends of my own that I've shared our journey with, but not to the same extent as M (Hubby)... While I was pregnant with my son, it came to my attention that M's friends were all scared of me, and not sure how to react to me or treat me. Apparently I had given off a vibe of me vs the world. I was infertile and they all were fertiles (the enemy). I had drawn battle lines in the sand without even knowing it. Are you kidding me!? When I read what you wrote about parents expecting you to fawn over their children, that also resonated BIG TIME. I could not engage any child, even those of our good friends. They resented it. I resented them for that, it was a vicious circle that unfortunately cost M (and me) some very good friends. Worst of all, my son now suffers, because it's too late to repair some of the damage, and when all the friends get together with all the kids, we are generally not there. It kills me, because now, I kind of understand where they are coming from. When I look at my son, I see the only thing that matters to me. When someone glances over him, they are hurting my heart (even if they don't mean to). Now I get why M's friends were upset. It wasn't that they didn't love or respect me, or empathize with my situation (because I believe they did). They just felt that if I cared about them, I could find just enough in my heart to treat their kids like what they are - treasures. I just wasn't able to see past my own pain. If I can give you any advice at all, and I know I'm not you and we are all different, but if I could, I'd tell you that life is short, good friends become the roots of your tree... try, my dear R to see that from outside of your own pain. I agree that it is wrong of A to come to you with stuff that people say, but he has. So now it's all about what you do with it. You can seperate further, and resent people (like I did), or you can realize that you don't yet have all the answers or perspectives that you will in time. Be cautious in judging others, as you yourself don't wish to be judged. Trust in your friends, and in A's. I don't think he would entrust just anybody with being a dear friend. All my love, and light...


  15. Just want to explain one thing further. When I say that some of the friendships we had aren't the same, it's not because of M's friends. They have been accepting and still continue to invite us to get-togethers, etc... the distance is because now that I realize how awkward I made them feel, I feel guilty, and self-conscious (like they think I'm crazy - maybe I AM!)... I feel bad for M, because the only time he sees his guy friends is on a "boys" night. I just don't feel comfortable, and I regret it...

  16. Hugs sweet R. I hope you are feeling better today.

  17. *hugs* Write it off to the hormones. All you can do is take it one day at a time and do the best you can.

  18. Happy belated Mother's Day. This is your day, just like it always has been.

    The outsiders. Ugh. They are the hardest to manage, arent they? They even reside in our own families. Our spouses can at times be a watered down version of them - I have one of the ever optimistic husbands myself. Usually I am grateful for the encouragement, but at times I just want to smash his unrealistic dream.

    I am glad you got this out on paper. They will never get it. We will never stop holding it against them. I am ever hopeful I will someday, but in the mean time, stay with the IF people. We get you and we love you.

  19. Hi All,

    It's "A". This is my very first post. I love and appreciate all your comments.  I have the most wonderful supportive friends and family...and of course wife.  Everyone tries to do and say the right things...even me. Sometimes it backfires. Believe me, I know from experience. It's a hard journey and we are ecstatic to be where we are today. Unless you've been here, you can't possibly know the struggles. Even if you're an outsider with a kind soul and sympathetic ear...ya still don't get it. 
    Nobody, including me, means any harm by what they say or observe. But sometimes, it's just plain hard to interpret this mess of emotions and eventually, the wrong thing will be said.  
    I've only shared the details of our journey with my cherished inner circle of family and friends. I am beyond grateful for their support.  I know everyone wants to do right by us just as we want to do right by them.  It just doesn't always come across that way. 
    I salute all you brave heroic women who have faced or are facing this treacherous journey.  Stay strong and be positive.  I pray your dreams come true.  

    Gee, I hope I've said all the right things ; )