Wednesday, May 25, 2011

One year ago

Last year on this day I was in Denver for my first DE transfer. I was so filled with hope and anticipation and so was A. I remember waking up in the Home.wood and answering the call from embryology about my ideas for how many to thaw and transfer. I remember how when A was there for the retrieval he had a special breakfast of themed "egg" foods and specific reasons for eating them. I remember lying on the table having my acupuncture appointment and Dr. Schoo.craft coming in for the transfer and me saying that this was the last time he would see me. I remember watching the season finale of Gre.ys Ana.tomy eating P.F. Changs (remember the shootout?). I remember every part of that trip and the excitement/anticipation I felt surrounding it.

The transfer was successful and we saw our first ever positive pee stick. The next few days were those of sheer happiness and then in an instant our lives were turned upside down. It started with spotting and then a couple of ultrasounds that showed no fetal heartbeat. The next days were spent agonizing over which treatment would be quicker, better for my already shitty uterus and cause less pain. Ultimately the miscarriage changed me in a way I didn't know was possible. My marriage was so deeply threatened that there were many many time I didn't know if we would survive. But we did. I did.

Fast forward a year and A and I both are such different places. We are happy, our marriage is stronger than ever and we are finally close to becoming parents. When I think back to the he'll of last year it was started by this anniversary. I have been in a fog all day and couldn't really understand why. It is the enormity of it all. The looking back on how much we've been through and how far we've come. I don't take moments for granted. I cherish the fact that I am in this better place - especially when I know many others are not.

For my friends who are in emotional hell right now, I am so sorry. I can only hope that next year will better.

-R.

10 comments:

  1. Very happy you're in a better place this year. Xoxo.

    ReplyDelete
  2. amazing the difference a year can make - would you ever have dreamed this is where you'd be now? just think about where you'll be this time NEXT year!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Hooray for a better place, 2010 was awful awful awful! I'm so glad you are happy :) !

    ReplyDelete
  4. So happy you are in such a better place now. I know that they year ahead will be full of so much joy for you & A and that little miracle!

    ReplyDelete
  5. You deserve every single solitary second of this. Good bye last year.

    It is kind of you to reach out to our Augusta.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Great post. Hope next year is better for everyone, and even more positive for you!

    ReplyDelete
  7. I have followed your story for a while, and I am so deeply grateful that you and your husband are very close to becoming parents. You have gone through hell, and it is time for you to be happy and fulfilled.
    Thank you for putting in a kind word for me R. It really means a lot.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Look who's B-A-C-K!! I loved this post...I am beyond ecstatic for you! And you know what else I love...your new blog template and the fact that you changed your blog title to include the surprise PG! Love it!!

    ReplyDelete
  9. It's amazing what a year can bring. Your post made me go look at my blog to see what I was doing a year ago since I've lost all track of time. I was just finding out that my last OE cycle resulted in no blasts, so I have indeed come a long way too. I'm so happy for both of us!!

    ReplyDelete