One year ago

Last year on this day I was in Denver for my first DE transfer. I was so filled with hope and anticipation and so was A. I remember waking up in the Home.wood and answering the call from embryology about my ideas for how many to thaw and transfer. I remember how when A was there for the retrieval he had a special breakfast of themed "egg" foods and specific reasons for eating them. I remember lying on the table having my acupuncture appointment and Dr. Schoo.craft coming in for the transfer and me saying that this was the last time he would see me. I remember watching the season finale of Gre.ys Ana.tomy eating P.F. Changs (remember the shootout?). I remember every part of that trip and the excitement/anticipation I felt surrounding it.

The transfer was successful and we saw our first ever positive pee stick. The next few days were those of sheer happiness and then in an instant our lives were turned upside down. It started with spotting and then a couple of ultrasounds that showed no fetal heartbeat. The next days were spent agonizing over which treatment would be quicker, better for my already shitty uterus and cause less pain. Ultimately the miscarriage changed me in a way I didn't know was possible. My marriage was so deeply threatened that there were many many time I didn't know if we would survive. But we did. I did.

Fast forward a year and A and I both are such different places. We are happy, our marriage is stronger than ever and we are finally close to becoming parents. When I think back to the he'll of last year it was started by this anniversary. I have been in a fog all day and couldn't really understand why. It is the enormity of it all. The looking back on how much we've been through and how far we've come. I don't take moments for granted. I cherish the fact that I am in this better place - especially when I know many others are not.

For my friends who are in emotional hell right now, I am so sorry. I can only hope that next year will better.

-R.