OTC IUI has begun

It is so different this time. New phase, new protocol, new clinic. I'm a newbie again. I have learned over the years that every RE works different and you need to acclimatize to the different routines. Cd2 was Thursday and it was my first monitoring session for what I'm calling my over the counter (OTC) IUI. Monitoring is from 630-800 daily and since it was a work day I got there at 6:04 to ensure I would be finished with enough time to get to work for an 8:00am meeting. I was fourth in line. The staff at this clinic are wonderful. They make an effort to know your name on the first visit and have a "greeter" that is in charge of keeping the flow of appointments run smoothly. It worked. I was in and out in under an hour.

My results for CD2 are:
E2: 48.5
LH: 6.96
Prog: 1.25
FSH: 4.2

Ultrasound: AFC, Rt 5
Left simple cyst seen measuring at 1.6x1.4x2cm

I don't remember what my levels were like before so I'm not sure if these are an improvement or not. I also know my AFC is low - but have no clue about the hormone levels. Anyone that wants to explain I would appreciate it. Again, I'm a newbie. I used to have this information at my finger tips and was able to analyze, but now ism just going with the flow. It's weird.

So for my OTC IUI I started with 75ui Men.opour and 150ui Brav.elle. I've never taken the second medication which is why we are trying this combo. So far with only two days in I'm doing ok, but holy shit those needles STING!

I'm not overly optimistic that this will work, but I am invested now.

-R.

Where I'm At

I'm reading blogs and forums - everyday, but I'm not posting and not commenting much (I try to post but I'm having some blogger issues) I don't have a reason for it other than my head is not in the same place as it once was.

I'm still very much an Infertile. So much so that I keep becoming aware as CD1 keeps coming around without an invitation. I still get the jealous/sad/angry feeling every time a big round (or small little bump) comes my way or another "announcement" is told. It still hurts that I am constantly reminded how my ENTIRE family seems to get pg by thinking about having having sex while I...not so much.

But, I do have LMI and that makes it all easier. She brightens my day when in feeling low. She reminds me of why I need to keep trying and fighting to add to our family and why I can't fall apart when AF comes knocking on my door.

I have an appointment with the new local RE on Tuesday and I'm not sure what direction to take. On the one hand, A and I are enjoying the "trying" phase again. It is hard to remember back to that part from TTC1 because even then I knew that it would not be successful. But, as each cycle passes it does get harder and harder and I am very aware that time is not friend. Heck medical intervention may not be my friend. It wasn't in the past.

I'm petrified that LMI was my one and only chance at a pg. nothing worked before and we are clearly not the couple that once you have your body is "fixed". So I'm not sure where that leads me.

I miss IVF. Weird to say and admit but I do. There was/is a part of me that misses the early morning dates with the dildo cam and the monitoring. The numerous injections (not the actual needle, but what it represented) and the procedures themselves and the hope that came along with all 4 IVFs and 2 DE FETs.

I don't miss the FAILURE. I don't miss the extreme heartache, jealousy, self defeat and depression. I don't miss that place that I was in for so so long.

I promised myself that I was done with IVF. That if after six natural cycles I would go back to CO and use my DE embryos. I'm still on board with this plan - except for the natural cycle part. Maybe there is a middle ground? Maybe I should try adding some injections? Maybe some real monitoring? Maybe IUIs? But really, if IVF didn't work on me - will any of this over the counter stuff?

My head is all over the place right now. Not sure what Tuesday will bring or what I may ask for...I guess time will tell.

-R.

What a year!

It has taken me a while to write this post even though in reality I have been thinking about it for quite some time.

LMI turned the Big-One on the 23rd. To say it was a day I will never forget is an understatement. It started with A and I going into her room in the morning and singing her happy birthday. Tears immediately filled my eyes, but I was able to hold it together. It was a regular morning for us all - work and daycare, but I managed to leave work early so we could have some family time. We took for her one year photoshoot and cake smash. Until now, LMI has eaten everything except sweets. I really wanted to capture her first taste on film and it was not disappointing. Afterwards we had a nice dinner just the three of us and then it was off to bed.

It was the perfect way to celebrate.

LMI continues to change all the time. She is cruising around every piece of furniture she can reach and is always pulling herself up to stand. She isn't so sturdy to let go, it will come in time. A few months ago I was sure that she would be walking by now, but now I think it could be a few more months as she really isn't showing much interest. I just hope I am with her for her first steps. She officially has two and half words. Up, uh oh and mmmmm (as in this tastes so good). Its so cute when she throws her sippy cup on the ground and says uh oh. Her hair is also growing and now it can finally hold a tiny clip - no more mistaking her for a boy!

She is still my petite little girl weighing in at 15lbs6oz and measuring 27" at her check up. She loves loves loves to read and can literally sit for twenty minutes just looking at the pictures and flipping through the pages. It is so special to see her gravitate towards books even when there are toys around. It makes my teacher heart expand.

We still look at her everyday and wonder how we were so lucky. I am still completely dumbfounded that she was even conceived at all - especially now with all this trying again. I know my story is not conventional. I know that things like don't happen all the time. I know that this may not happen again for us.

LMI has brought life back into me. The years of TTCing drained me. I don't think I realized how much until I started to feel happy again. I feel like I can breathe. I am coming out of my depressed fog more and more each day and feeling like a happier and healthier R.

Back to Reality

I thought that LMI "fixed" me. That her conception, pregnancy and birth deleted my IF status and made me like them. As much as I talk about TTC2 and needing to go back through all the shit that comes with IF including going to Denver, somewhere deep down I thought I wouldn't. I would continue down the urban legend path, the one where once you have a baby the next comes sooooo easily.

Oh how wrong I was. This was our eleventh month without birth control. It was my fifth actual cycle and our first timed BD according to my holyfuckingawesome ultrasound that showed my thick and triple patterned lining and dominant follicle.

I don't think I was prepared for a BFN. I even had the end.omet.rium ready to start shoving. How pathetic is that?

IF sucks. This is just another reminder of how much.

-R.

Recap

My whirlwind trip has come and gone. It was weird being back in that place both physically and emotionally. So much was familiar and the same - the hotel staff, the clinic people, the IF lingo; butnat the same time a lot has changed. I have changed. From a medical perspective, I am still as unexplained as ever. I have not really increased my changes all that much by having had a successful pregnancy.

The ultrasound showed a couple of things: normal blood flow and not much else. As of CD9 there was no dominant follicle seen and a thin lining of 5.5. I wasnt surprised by this. Since my cycles have been about 34/35 days it is early to be seeing things so a follow up ultrasound was recommended for today at home. Today's ultrasound had surpising findings: a lining of 8.8 and a dominant follicle! Holy shit! Im not sure I believe the ultrasound completely, but it is an improvement.

So the plan is to try a natural FET in the new year. It is risky because you need to watch for ovulation carefully and then you have the transfer 5 days later. It makes scheduling a nightmare, but we are hopeful that by mimicing what my bodyndoes naturally I will have better results. In the meantime - we get busy ;)

***

Being away from LMI and A was not as hard as I imagined. I admit, Im a control freak and asked A to keep me updated on everything she was doing, but knowing she was happy was enough for me to relax a bit. I had a vacation. I got a massage, slept in (oh how nice that sleep was), I finished the Hun.ger Ga.mes trilogy (loved it) and shopped - a lot. It was what I needed before starting work. A day to myself.

***

LMI started her transition to daycare this week. On Monday we went together for an hour to meet the teacher. She absolutely loved the space. We chose a home daycare that has children 11months - 2.5yrs and is located in our neighbourhood. I was really anxious about sending her on Tuesday alone, but she did great. She went to the teacher with no issue and the only crying was me - in my car. The rest of the week continued to be a success and she really seems to be enjoying herself. So much so that she doesnt want to leave. When Inwent to pick her up after the first day, she looked at me, gave a smile and went right back to reading her books. Not exactly the reaction I was hoping for, but Ill take it. She feels happy there. Shes napping, eating and learning. Both our needs are being met and I couldnt be happier. I know things could change, but it was a really positive first week.

I start back at work on Tuesday. :( i am looking forward to working, but I know this transition will be hard on me. Like everything, I will get through it because I have to. It's a long weekend here, so I pkan to rest up, spend time with the fam and enjoy my last few days as a SAHM.

-R.

Leaving on a Jet Plane

Im heading back out to Denver on Thursday for my date with the hysteroscopy. Its just me going as A as going to stay home with LMI mwe thought about us all going, but it didnt seem worth it to bring her out for such a short trip. This will be my first time being apart from her for more than a few hours. Im nervous, but I know that she will be in excellent hands.

Its really weird for me going back to Denver. We are still committed to our plan of trying on own for the next few months, but still treatment is never far from the back of my mind. I am in a really good place emotionally though and I am going to try to approach TTC#2 differently than before. Im done with the secrecy. I made sure that everyone knew that LMI's conception was hard fought and long awaited. Anyone that told me it was because we just relaxed was given an in depth statement about the inaccuracy and ofensiveness of the statement. I still dont know why or how I was able to get pregnant and deliver a healthy baby, but I am so thankful.

My comfort zone is back. My entire pregnancy with LMI I didnt feel like myself. I would go into my OBs office unprepared and find myself stumbling over words, forgetting to ask key questions and just overwhelmed by the enormity of it all. But when I had my phone consult a few weeks ago, the old me came flooding back. I was in fine form asking my questions and making my ideas heard.

The trip is going to be short. 48hrs. Im going alone and aside from missing my sweet LMI, Im a little bit excited about the me time. Im going to sleep without a baby monitor (and a snoring husband) and not have to wake up at 630am. Im going to have all day on Friday to myself and I plan to just relax and maybe hit the shops at Castle Rock. But it wont be all rest and relaxing, there is the main reason why Im going. Im nervous. No RE had an explanation for why I was miraculously able to get pregnant. The truth is that no medical intervention had worked in the past so I am doubtful that TTc#2 will be any different, so there are some unanswered questions here.

***
LMI is 11 months old today. Time is moving by so fast. She loves pulling herself up to standing and is just starting to be able to stand for a few seconds without support. She is also pushing her walking toys around the house and loves loves loves to read. It is so sweet watching her turn the pages - a teacher's dream. I think we are just entering the separation anxiety phase and just in time for her daycare transition - so I am not looking forward to that, but we will both find ways to get through it. Overall she is the happiest child and I just her and being her mommy.

-R.

Back in the saddle

Blogger won't let the paragraphs space out, does anyone know why this happens? The last two weeks have been filled with jumping back onto the saddle of my old life...work and doctors. Work. I technically am on maternity leave until August, however I have begun going into school for meetings relating to the upcoming school year. Even though I am excited about going to back to work theoretically, I felt a lot of anxiety towards leaving LMI and being back in the actual workplace. But, once I got in my car and started to drive there, it was like autopilot and it was as if I never left. I know that going on a daily basis with full day hours will be so different, but my first real experience of leaving LMI was successful. My MIL has begun watching LMI for short amounts of time on a weekly basis recently and this has allowed me to have some me time. Until recently, I had only been able to have some time to myself on weekends when A. was home to watch her, so this has been a good transition for both LMI and myself. LMI will be going to a home daycare near our house full time starting in August. The daycare is really sweet and there are only 10 children all 1-2years old. I never would have thought that I would have selected a daycare (I always had a live in nanny) never mind a home care, but after looking at all our options I felt that this was the perfect place for LMI. If I couldn't watch her, then this was the next best thing. We are going transition her over a week, but I will be working part-time for the first month back so I am around if need be. I think I am most anxious about the time constraints. Will it be a long day for LMI? Will she be too tired to spend time with me at the end of the day? Right now she wakes up in the morning between 630-700. I leave for work at 730 so we will have thirty minutes in the morning together before A gives her breakfast and drops her at daycare. We will probably get home at 600 just in time for dinner and then hopefully a good amount of playtime before a bath and bed by 730. I am thinking I will be probably push her bedtime to 800 so we have more time at night, but then I may miss the mornings with her, so we will need to see how that goes. If you have a child in daycare, what is your schedule? Doctors. I have doctor appointments coming out of the wahzoo. I went on a search for a new local RE. I really like my RE, but her practice and I do not get along. I had too much stress there prepping for all my different cycles and who can forget about my BFF ultrasonagrapher who fucked up on more than one occasion causing me to jump on a plane to Denver immediately and the NT scan disaster. So ya, it was time for a change. You would be surprised how difficult it is to find a new RE when you have embryos across the boarder and no plans to move them. Thankfully a new clinic recently opened and it is 2 minutes from my house. They are the loveliest people and were so accommodating to me that I am thrilled that they have agreed to take me on as a satellite patient. I have also reached out to CCRM and had my first phone consult with the doc himself. Right now we are not actively trying nor preventing getting pregnant. But, I have not taken any BC and I am not pregnant. So the plan is to hopefully go out to Denver at the end of July for a quick check of the ole ute and then come home and try on our own until December at which point we will do an FET with my DE embryos. Getting my head in the game for my phone call was difficult. It took me longer than usual to formulate all my questions and I am sure I forgot to ask something. I did ask about a natural FET since I was able to get pregnant on my own and he said that for me that was an "interesting" idea that peeked his interest. I am sure we will revisit this idea when I go out there. He did say that since I was able to carry a pregnancy to term he is not concerned about my lining and as long as it gets to 6.5 he is ok with proceeding. That is a huge relief to me, since I am the "optimistic" 7 gal. Overall he is still the man of few words, but told me that he is welcoming me back with open arms. *** LMI is now ten months! She is changing so fast and everyday it seems like she is learning something new. She has mastered clapping her hands on command and is inconsistent with waving. For whatever reason, the words, give me five or high five, are hilarious to her and she gets a huge smile and laughs. Its really cute. Her hair is getting longer, but it is still sparse and short so if she goes out in gender neutral clothes, she is always called a boy. Ugh. I often put cute headbands on her to distinguish her as a girl. She's crawling all of the house and has been for a while, but she is now climbing the stairs and cruising on the furniture. I bet it won't be long before she is walking! Since I am the world's pickiest eater, I am trying very hard to expose her to a wide variety of foods and recipes and so far it is working. She is a great eater. She doesn't love rough textures (like the breading on a chicken finger), but loves the insides and pretty much anything with cheese. It is always fun to watch her feed herself and see how much actually ends up in her mouth compared to the floor or her bib catcher. I am finding it exhausting trying to come up with new recipes to try so if you have some good ones please send them along! So that's what has been going on with us the last little while. Thanks for reading to the end. ;) -R.