What a year!

It has taken me a while to write this post even though in reality I have been thinking about it for quite some time.

LMI turned the Big-One on the 23rd. To say it was a day I will never forget is an understatement. It started with A and I going into her room in the morning and singing her happy birthday. Tears immediately filled my eyes, but I was able to hold it together. It was a regular morning for us all - work and daycare, but I managed to leave work early so we could have some family time. We took for her one year photoshoot and cake smash. Until now, LMI has eaten everything except sweets. I really wanted to capture her first taste on film and it was not disappointing. Afterwards we had a nice dinner just the three of us and then it was off to bed.

It was the perfect way to celebrate.

LMI continues to change all the time. She is cruising around every piece of furniture she can reach and is always pulling herself up to stand. She isn't so sturdy to let go, it will come in time. A few months ago I was sure that she would be walking by now, but now I think it could be a few more months as she really isn't showing much interest. I just hope I am with her for her first steps. She officially has two and half words. Up, uh oh and mmmmm (as in this tastes so good). Its so cute when she throws her sippy cup on the ground and says uh oh. Her hair is also growing and now it can finally hold a tiny clip - no more mistaking her for a boy!

She is still my petite little girl weighing in at 15lbs6oz and measuring 27" at her check up. She loves loves loves to read and can literally sit for twenty minutes just looking at the pictures and flipping through the pages. It is so special to see her gravitate towards books even when there are toys around. It makes my teacher heart expand.

We still look at her everyday and wonder how we were so lucky. I am still completely dumbfounded that she was even conceived at all - especially now with all this trying again. I know my story is not conventional. I know that things like don't happen all the time. I know that this may not happen again for us.

LMI has brought life back into me. The years of TTCing drained me. I don't think I realized how much until I started to feel happy again. I feel like I can breathe. I am coming out of my depressed fog more and more each day and feeling like a happier and healthier R.

Back to Reality

I thought that LMI "fixed" me. That her conception, pregnancy and birth deleted my IF status and made me like them. As much as I talk about TTC2 and needing to go back through all the shit that comes with IF including going to Denver, somewhere deep down I thought I wouldn't. I would continue down the urban legend path, the one where once you have a baby the next comes sooooo easily.

Oh how wrong I was. This was our eleventh month without birth control. It was my fifth actual cycle and our first timed BD according to my holyfuckingawesome ultrasound that showed my thick and triple patterned lining and dominant follicle.

I don't think I was prepared for a BFN. I even had the end.omet.rium ready to start shoving. How pathetic is that?

IF sucks. This is just another reminder of how much.

-R.

Recap

My whirlwind trip has come and gone. It was weird being back in that place both physically and emotionally. So much was familiar and the same - the hotel staff, the clinic people, the IF lingo; butnat the same time a lot has changed. I have changed. From a medical perspective, I am still as unexplained as ever. I have not really increased my changes all that much by having had a successful pregnancy.

The ultrasound showed a couple of things: normal blood flow and not much else. As of CD9 there was no dominant follicle seen and a thin lining of 5.5. I wasnt surprised by this. Since my cycles have been about 34/35 days it is early to be seeing things so a follow up ultrasound was recommended for today at home. Today's ultrasound had surpising findings: a lining of 8.8 and a dominant follicle! Holy shit! Im not sure I believe the ultrasound completely, but it is an improvement.

So the plan is to try a natural FET in the new year. It is risky because you need to watch for ovulation carefully and then you have the transfer 5 days later. It makes scheduling a nightmare, but we are hopeful that by mimicing what my bodyndoes naturally I will have better results. In the meantime - we get busy ;)

***

Being away from LMI and A was not as hard as I imagined. I admit, Im a control freak and asked A to keep me updated on everything she was doing, but knowing she was happy was enough for me to relax a bit. I had a vacation. I got a massage, slept in (oh how nice that sleep was), I finished the Hun.ger Ga.mes trilogy (loved it) and shopped - a lot. It was what I needed before starting work. A day to myself.

***

LMI started her transition to daycare this week. On Monday we went together for an hour to meet the teacher. She absolutely loved the space. We chose a home daycare that has children 11months - 2.5yrs and is located in our neighbourhood. I was really anxious about sending her on Tuesday alone, but she did great. She went to the teacher with no issue and the only crying was me - in my car. The rest of the week continued to be a success and she really seems to be enjoying herself. So much so that she doesnt want to leave. When Inwent to pick her up after the first day, she looked at me, gave a smile and went right back to reading her books. Not exactly the reaction I was hoping for, but Ill take it. She feels happy there. Shes napping, eating and learning. Both our needs are being met and I couldnt be happier. I know things could change, but it was a really positive first week.

I start back at work on Tuesday. :( i am looking forward to working, but I know this transition will be hard on me. Like everything, I will get through it because I have to. It's a long weekend here, so I pkan to rest up, spend time with the fam and enjoy my last few days as a SAHM.

-R.

Leaving on a Jet Plane

Im heading back out to Denver on Thursday for my date with the hysteroscopy. Its just me going as A as going to stay home with LMI mwe thought about us all going, but it didnt seem worth it to bring her out for such a short trip. This will be my first time being apart from her for more than a few hours. Im nervous, but I know that she will be in excellent hands.

Its really weird for me going back to Denver. We are still committed to our plan of trying on own for the next few months, but still treatment is never far from the back of my mind. I am in a really good place emotionally though and I am going to try to approach TTC#2 differently than before. Im done with the secrecy. I made sure that everyone knew that LMI's conception was hard fought and long awaited. Anyone that told me it was because we just relaxed was given an in depth statement about the inaccuracy and ofensiveness of the statement. I still dont know why or how I was able to get pregnant and deliver a healthy baby, but I am so thankful.

My comfort zone is back. My entire pregnancy with LMI I didnt feel like myself. I would go into my OBs office unprepared and find myself stumbling over words, forgetting to ask key questions and just overwhelmed by the enormity of it all. But when I had my phone consult a few weeks ago, the old me came flooding back. I was in fine form asking my questions and making my ideas heard.

The trip is going to be short. 48hrs. Im going alone and aside from missing my sweet LMI, Im a little bit excited about the me time. Im going to sleep without a baby monitor (and a snoring husband) and not have to wake up at 630am. Im going to have all day on Friday to myself and I plan to just relax and maybe hit the shops at Castle Rock. But it wont be all rest and relaxing, there is the main reason why Im going. Im nervous. No RE had an explanation for why I was miraculously able to get pregnant. The truth is that no medical intervention had worked in the past so I am doubtful that TTc#2 will be any different, so there are some unanswered questions here.

***
LMI is 11 months old today. Time is moving by so fast. She loves pulling herself up to standing and is just starting to be able to stand for a few seconds without support. She is also pushing her walking toys around the house and loves loves loves to read. It is so sweet watching her turn the pages - a teacher's dream. I think we are just entering the separation anxiety phase and just in time for her daycare transition - so I am not looking forward to that, but we will both find ways to get through it. Overall she is the happiest child and I just her and being her mommy.

-R.

Back in the saddle

Blogger won't let the paragraphs space out, does anyone know why this happens? The last two weeks have been filled with jumping back onto the saddle of my old life...work and doctors. Work. I technically am on maternity leave until August, however I have begun going into school for meetings relating to the upcoming school year. Even though I am excited about going to back to work theoretically, I felt a lot of anxiety towards leaving LMI and being back in the actual workplace. But, once I got in my car and started to drive there, it was like autopilot and it was as if I never left. I know that going on a daily basis with full day hours will be so different, but my first real experience of leaving LMI was successful. My MIL has begun watching LMI for short amounts of time on a weekly basis recently and this has allowed me to have some me time. Until recently, I had only been able to have some time to myself on weekends when A. was home to watch her, so this has been a good transition for both LMI and myself. LMI will be going to a home daycare near our house full time starting in August. The daycare is really sweet and there are only 10 children all 1-2years old. I never would have thought that I would have selected a daycare (I always had a live in nanny) never mind a home care, but after looking at all our options I felt that this was the perfect place for LMI. If I couldn't watch her, then this was the next best thing. We are going transition her over a week, but I will be working part-time for the first month back so I am around if need be. I think I am most anxious about the time constraints. Will it be a long day for LMI? Will she be too tired to spend time with me at the end of the day? Right now she wakes up in the morning between 630-700. I leave for work at 730 so we will have thirty minutes in the morning together before A gives her breakfast and drops her at daycare. We will probably get home at 600 just in time for dinner and then hopefully a good amount of playtime before a bath and bed by 730. I am thinking I will be probably push her bedtime to 800 so we have more time at night, but then I may miss the mornings with her, so we will need to see how that goes. If you have a child in daycare, what is your schedule? Doctors. I have doctor appointments coming out of the wahzoo. I went on a search for a new local RE. I really like my RE, but her practice and I do not get along. I had too much stress there prepping for all my different cycles and who can forget about my BFF ultrasonagrapher who fucked up on more than one occasion causing me to jump on a plane to Denver immediately and the NT scan disaster. So ya, it was time for a change. You would be surprised how difficult it is to find a new RE when you have embryos across the boarder and no plans to move them. Thankfully a new clinic recently opened and it is 2 minutes from my house. They are the loveliest people and were so accommodating to me that I am thrilled that they have agreed to take me on as a satellite patient. I have also reached out to CCRM and had my first phone consult with the doc himself. Right now we are not actively trying nor preventing getting pregnant. But, I have not taken any BC and I am not pregnant. So the plan is to hopefully go out to Denver at the end of July for a quick check of the ole ute and then come home and try on our own until December at which point we will do an FET with my DE embryos. Getting my head in the game for my phone call was difficult. It took me longer than usual to formulate all my questions and I am sure I forgot to ask something. I did ask about a natural FET since I was able to get pregnant on my own and he said that for me that was an "interesting" idea that peeked his interest. I am sure we will revisit this idea when I go out there. He did say that since I was able to carry a pregnancy to term he is not concerned about my lining and as long as it gets to 6.5 he is ok with proceeding. That is a huge relief to me, since I am the "optimistic" 7 gal. Overall he is still the man of few words, but told me that he is welcoming me back with open arms. *** LMI is now ten months! She is changing so fast and everyday it seems like she is learning something new. She has mastered clapping her hands on command and is inconsistent with waving. For whatever reason, the words, give me five or high five, are hilarious to her and she gets a huge smile and laughs. Its really cute. Her hair is getting longer, but it is still sparse and short so if she goes out in gender neutral clothes, she is always called a boy. Ugh. I often put cute headbands on her to distinguish her as a girl. She's crawling all of the house and has been for a while, but she is now climbing the stairs and cruising on the furniture. I bet it won't be long before she is walking! Since I am the world's pickiest eater, I am trying very hard to expose her to a wide variety of foods and recipes and so far it is working. She is a great eater. She doesn't love rough textures (like the breading on a chicken finger), but loves the insides and pretty much anything with cheese. It is always fun to watch her feed herself and see how much actually ends up in her mouth compared to the floor or her bib catcher. I am finding it exhausting trying to come up with new recipes to try so if you have some good ones please send them along! So that's what has been going on with us the last little while. Thanks for reading to the end. ;) -R.

Sorry For My Absence

My last post was in March. Holy shit how did that happen? When I first started this blog my goal was to write daily. Then it became more like bynweekly to weekly to monthly to every few months. I have no real excuse and its not because I dont have the time, I think its becuase now I have time. Yes Im busy with LMI, but shes on a predictable schedule with two solid naps a day and goes to sleep at 730 for the night. Time I have. I have spent a lot of time thinking. A lot has happened in my life lately and some of it has thrown me through a loop (NO I am not pg). My sister announced that she is expecting her second. It wasnt a shock, but it was still hard to accept at first. I fell apart briefly. Just like she had planned, her daughters will be 20 months a part. Imagine that, being able to plan out how close or far in age your children will be! That was the difficult part for me. Her life plan continues to follow the same path while mine is uncertain. We are also back in that place where many of our friends are expecting, 5 couples to be exact, and it just bring back all those IF emotions that were put aside. Its no secret that A and I would love to have another (possibly 2) more child/ren. We are not actively trying to build our family right now but we are not using any form of BC either. Who knows how, if, or when we will be lucky again to conceive. I have contacted NN at CCRM to get an idea of what will be involved to do an FET with our DE embryos and the first step will be a phone consult. I think I will set that up for the summer. So we are in rush right now. Im in a weird place right now. People look at you different when you cross over. Those who were once so supportive of you dont necessarily give you the same support the second time around becuase you have a child. Yes, when Im upset I can look at my sweet LMI and give her an extra tight hug, but that doesnt make me fertile. My IF doesnt disappear because I have a child - or many children. It is always with me even if lately it has been pushed off the sidelines at times. So thats where my head has been lately. A fussy haze of not being totally ready for a second child, while being envious of others who are on their way there and not being able to put the thoughts out of my mind. I know this may be difficult to read and I appologize for that if you are in IF hell right now. I just needed to get that off my chest. *** LMI turned nine months old yesterday. Shes amazing. Crawling or doing the butterfly on land as we call has been happening for a while now. Its amazing how she is still so small (14lbs4oz), but really strong. Like pulling herslef up to stand and even climbing the stairs. Its nuts. Shes starting to develop stranger/separation anxiety and selfishly I love it. She is a total daredevil and loves anything with speed like the swings and slide at the park. Hates the stroller though so I have been getting lots of use of my babyBjorn I guess her being small has its advantages. LMI is becomming quite the foodie. Seeing as I am super picky I try and expose her to a variety of foods so that she will hopefully develop a taste for variety. We are slowly moving away from purees and giving her little bites of finger foods. It is so cute when she fists a handful of watermelon cubes and tries to shove them all in her mouth. Oy! Im also introducing milk to her diet and am planning to begin weaning her off of BF. I have mixed emotions about this. I didnt love BFing and we had a very rocky first five months with it, but we both survived. Its time. Shes currently nursing three times a day and I dont think my supply is what it used to be so from a nutrient stance, it will be better for her on the real stuff. Its still a bit sad to realize that she is growing up so quickly. Ok, long post done. I promise not to let too much time in between posts in the future. -R. Ps- thanks Cass for the blog feedback, the iPad doesnt give you a clear picture of what it will turn out like. It also wont separate into paragraphs. Im working on it.

Reflection Time

I needed to take a step back from blogging and reflect. I don't want to be that person, but I fear I may be. We all know the one. I always vowed that if I ever become a parent, I would not stop having a brain of my own. Of course my life would revolve around my family (and it does), but when out in public and here in this space, I would be more than just LMI's mother. My journey to parenthood was difficult, not worse or easier than anyone else, just really difficult. I felt plagued at times that everything that could go wrong during a cycle, would and did. At thirty years old I was told by a highly respected RE and my local RE to pack in the towel and move on. Pregnancy and my genetics were not in the cards. I suffered multiple early miscarriages, lining problems, surrogate crises and of course donor egg failures both with the donor and the cycle - but this is not the pain olympics. We all have had a shit time of it. No one is worse off in the IF world, however I recognize how truly lucky I am that I have crossed over. Not everyone gets their happy ending. I am still amazed by LMI's conception and that she is here. My real take home baby.

I truly hope that if you read this blog (and google reader tells me you do), that I have not offended you or upset you with tales of my sunshine and rainbows. I write for myself - to have a reminder of where I have been and where I am going. I write for LMI - to tell her her story. But I also write for you - I know my ending is not typical, but most likely I have some experience in the area of IF or pg you were, are or may be dealing with and I wrote about it. Knowledge is powerful. Having options makes us feel a little more in control. If something I have learned or experienced can be of help it is my greatest pleasure to pass on the information. I have said many times that you are my family and without the support that I received I honestly don't think I would I have survived.

***

In other news, this is going on right now. Yup, this is the same agency that we used/are using for GC. And you guessed it, I have funds tied up there. I haven't been able to process this information - I literally have no words.