My SIL is pregnant. She told us and some extended family only, but it is still early. So early that she hasn't had an ultrasound to determine a fetal heart, or a uterine pregnancy. To refresh, she got married earlier this year and this was a wanted, but not ovulatary planned pregnancy. Although I am in a better place I am still so envious. For starters this now make both my sister and SIL more than fertile, first try fertile (FTF) and that just really hurts me.
I would not wish IF on my worst enemy, but the first try, seriously?
Aside from being FTF, she also completely naive about the real life effects of pregnancy loss. She is so confident (and I pray she is right) that everything will be fine. I want that for myself. I live every day in fear, and she, in nauseous bliss. The excitement and joy of excitement was ripped from me because of my past. When we learned we were pregnant, my first instinct was anger and resentment, why now, why give me this to take it away? I will admit that am now in a MUCH better place emotionally, but still those scars run deep and witnessing the sheer joy and optimism of pregnancy just makes me realize how much I want that for myself.
***
Yesterday was a cluster fuck of events. It started with a hectic work morning and then a shit show of disaster in the afternoon. The good news is my first test for Fifths Disease came back negative and we had a long and detailed ultrasound today where we got see Little Miss IT up close...so cool! The bad - I failed the 1 hr glucose test. Of course, are you surprised? I'm not. I eat healthy (of course I have a snack here and there, but am a well balanced eater) and my weight gain has been great, 18 pounds so far. I need to go back for the 2 hr test and I know this isn't a diagnosis, but it will mean diet changes at least. For those that know anything about levels, my OBs cut off is 7.8 before the next level of testing and I came in at 8.5. Yikes. Not looking too good. Of course I will happily give up ice cream and fruit and bread to make sure that me and the little miss are healthy, but it still sucks.
The ultrasound today had it's pros. It was performed on a new machine on trial from the company and they even had a rep helping the tech with the ins and outs of it. To get a better feel for the machine, she took her time scanning me and even pointed out the different parts. It was really cool to see her fully formed features and I even think she has A's facial structure. AND, my cervix is long and closed. Relief! The con was that the accuracy of scan is questionable. In true R. style, we had a scary result and needed a redo scan. The new machine clocked her growth as small. The 10th percentile. Not good. To be fair, I am petite and was not expecting a big baby, but the word small is scary. The second ultrasound on the older machine found her growth to be petite at the 30th percentile. Much better, but which do you believe? Again I find myself in the situation where I need to trust and believe. OB believes in the older machine, but we are going to rescan next week and move from there.
Can't anything be easy for once?
Ok, bitchy rant over. I want to leave off with a close up of my beauty, Little Miss IT!
I love your Picasso baby! She is lovely!
ReplyDeleteSmall babies are beautiful babies but what a scare. You sound like a million bucks though, dont you? "Classic R style" makes me smile but I wish I didnt get the joke. For what it is worth, Toddlerina's head is in the 97% and it freaks me OUT. Numbers are just there to worry us.
FTF. A new acronym I hate to learn. Shame there even has to be such a term - or at least, it should exist outside the realm of our knowledge.
I really envy the bliss as well. I think people are starting to suspect I am pregnant, not just fat, at work. I am 14 wks now and with this the 3rd PG, I am showing by try my best to hide it. It is all I can do not to spit out bitter words "I dont just run around telling everyone I am pregnant at 6 wks like SOME people". Gah, I cannot stand those people. I hear your bitterness and I salute you.
Have mercy please dont let you have GD. I know you will follow the rules but man alive pls be spared!!
What a cutie! and it looks as if she's smiling for the camera!
ReplyDeleteIt is sad how all you've gone through in our quest to become a mother has made it hard for you to feel blissful about your pregnancy. I know that is common for women who have suffered with IF and loss, but I feel bad for you just the same.
ReplyDeleteIt seems to me that there are a LOT more "First Time Fertiles" in this world than infertiles. I sure seem to know a lot of them!
Pregnancy does not make IF go away, it seems. One would hope, but that's not how it works. It must have been hard to deal with your SIL's naivete. I hope everything goes well for her.
ReplyDeleteGlad that the u/s went well overall, despite some tense moments. She is a beauty. You must be so looking forward to holding her in your arms.
I remember in my first trimester I saw an obviously pregnant woman and felt *so* jealous. I had to remind myself that I was also pregnant, but I still wasn't where she was. It's funny how, when given our greatest wish, we still don't get the experience we craved. I tell myself it's better this way, but I don't always believe it.
ReplyDeleteDon't worry about the percentiles. Ultrasound measurements get less reliable as the baby gets bigger anyway. And small doesn't have to mean bad things. Recently, I saw a baby girl who didn't even rate on the percentiles for weight, she was so small for her age, yet at eight months she was pulling up to stand and beginning to crawl just as she was supposed to.
Good luck with your next glucose test--really, the concern with diabetes is an overgrown baby, so you might not have as much of a problem as you think!
FTFs---arrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggghhhhhhh! They're everywhere aren't they? Sheesh.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry about the confusion over the percentile ranks. And I hope your next glucose test is better! Hang in there.
Awwwwww, she is so cute!!!
ReplyDeleteAnd boy, do I hear you on FTFs!! I know a girl (written about on my blog) who is 40, got pregnant without trying (!!) to her finance, had a lovely baby boy 4 months after the wedding. Anyway, of course, they are pregnant again, first time trying for #2, and she's 42 now!! Healthy baby. WTF?? Argh, it is so not fair. And of course, she has no fear of problems, casually drinks wine while pregnant, etc. ARGH!
Your in very emotionally tough spot and your doing the best you can. I applaud that. People who aren't IF generally do not get it. And I never will pretend to. Because I don't. I am a realist and a pessimist and I worried throughout my pregnancy even though I probably didn't need to but being that I was born at 32 weeks, and my little brother 25 1/2 weeks I worried. He is healthly and 25 and you'd never know he was a micro preemie. Little Miss looks great! I hope once the school year is over that you have an eventful and lazy summer.
ReplyDeleteHow did I miss this post? I am blaming Blogger because yesterday alot of ppl's posts didn't show up! Grr...
ReplyDeleteAnway, the FTFs are sooo incredibly annoying no matter if they are your family or not. I wish you didnt have that naivety stripped away too but you are surrounded by women who are in the same boat and have been there or are there. It sucks...hoping the after pg life will be blissful! But you know what...a fertile will NEVER ever know how incredibly blessed a pregnancy is. Ever. So take solace in that. They take a pg for granted. Praying all is good for Little Miss - sure she may be a little small but lots of time for her to catch up. Sucks about potential GD though?! I really hope all that you need to do is modify your diet and thats it!! Hugs R...LisainSK
Sorry about all of the frustrations... ugh. My SIL is about three weeks behind me, and it's so annoying listening to her, knowing that it happened for her so easily. Little Miss It is lovely!!!
ReplyDeleteThinking of you and hope your next glucose test goes well. Won't be commenting too much from now on as things are getting close and my feet and legs are really swollen.
ReplyDeleteT
Ugh- lost my long comment!
ReplyDeleteJust wanted to tell you not to worry so much - you are doing great!