This is a bitching post please be for warned.
My SIL is pregnant. She told us and some extended family only, but it is still early. So early that she hasn't had an ultrasound to determine a fetal heart, or a uterine pregnancy. To refresh, she got married earlier this year and this was a wanted, but not ovulatary planned pregnancy. Although I am in a better place I am still so envious. For starters this now make both my sister and SIL more than fertile, first try fertile (FTF) and that just really hurts me.
I would not wish IF on my worst enemy, but the first try, seriously?
Aside from being FTF, she also completely naive about the real life effects of pregnancy loss. She is so confident (and I pray she is right) that everything will be fine. I want that for myself. I live every day in fear, and she, in nauseous bliss. The excitement and joy of excitement was ripped from me because of my past. When we learned we were pregnant, my first instinct was anger and resentment, why now, why give me this to take it away? I will admit that am now in a MUCH better place emotionally, but still those scars run deep and witnessing the sheer joy and optimism of pregnancy just makes me realize how much I want that for myself.
Yesterday was a cluster fuck of events. It started with a hectic work morning and then a shit show of disaster in the afternoon. The good news is my first test for Fifths Disease came back negative and we had a long and detailed ultrasound today where we got see Little Miss IT up close...so cool! The bad - I failed the 1 hr glucose test. Of course, are you surprised? I'm not. I eat healthy (of course I have a snack here and there, but am a well balanced eater) and my weight gain has been great, 18 pounds so far. I need to go back for the 2 hr test and I know this isn't a diagnosis, but it will mean diet changes at least. For those that know anything about levels, my OBs cut off is 7.8 before the next level of testing and I came in at 8.5. Yikes. Not looking too good. Of course I will happily give up ice cream and fruit and bread to make sure that me and the little miss are healthy, but it still sucks.
The ultrasound today had it's pros. It was performed on a new machine on trial from the company and they even had a rep helping the tech with the ins and outs of it. To get a better feel for the machine, she took her time scanning me and even pointed out the different parts. It was really cool to see her fully formed features and I even think she has A's facial structure. AND, my cervix is long and closed. Relief! The con was that the accuracy of scan is questionable. In true R. style, we had a scary result and needed a redo scan. The new machine clocked her growth as small. The 10th percentile. Not good. To be fair, I am petite and was not expecting a big baby, but the word small is scary. The second ultrasound on the older machine found her growth to be petite at the 30th percentile. Much better, but which do you believe? Again I find myself in the situation where I need to trust and believe. OB believes in the older machine, but we are going to rescan next week and move from there.
Can't anything be easy for once?
Ok, bitchy rant over. I want to leave off with a close up of my beauty, Little Miss IT!