Sunday, October 31, 2010

Feeling Better

Something is helping to take the itch and soreness away form down there. Maybe I am now acclimatized to the medication? Maybe it was the ice pack that I shoved on my crotch last night? Maybe it was the fact that for most of the day, I was in a bathrobe with no underwear to air out the region? Maybe it was the fact that part of the antihistamine protocol started today and the Claritin is helping this? Whatever the reason, I don't really care. It is still not perfect, but I can live with this.

I'm starting to become overwhelmed with the amount of work that remains unfinished. We are going for dinner to A.'s parents' house tonight and I have been working for hours. I wish I could close my eyes, click my feet together three times and poof, my work would be finished. Oh well. I guess will just have to bring it with me.

Tomorrow is going to be crazy. I have an early meeting with a parent, a two hour workshop in the middle of the day, and I need to find time to photocopy the lessons for when I'm away. Couple that with my last ever acupuncture for infertility session and another lymphatic massage and you have one busy R. And to tell you the truth, I don't care. I am finally transferring with a decent lining and I would leave all the other shit behind for this one real chance at success. Yes, the back-up plan is good, but now I feel like I might actually have a shot. I was too stunned and surprised last week to ask what my stats are with this transfer. I know that last time, he gave me a 65%. I am so hoping for at least a 70%, but it is what it is. I am not going to stress over this. I feel good about my little lining that could, and I am hopeful that all the protocol changes will lead me to a live baby in nine months.


A. and I do not celebrate Halloween. I used to back when I was in university and I always had some random costume with a group of friends (3 out of 4 dentists choose Colegate, the characters from Mario Boys - I was the one up, an identity crisis, a road...); but since we were married, we really haven't even acknowledged the day at all. I think it's for the best as I can only imagine how difficult the reminders must be with having trick-or-treators knocking on the door all evening. To those who continue to struggle with IF and give out candy, wow. Good for you. I don't think I would be able to do it.

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Getting Ready

This morning I woke up and had my p4 drawn. It came back looking good at 12.4, so that is a relief. The weirdest thing is happening though. I think by now, it is established that if there is a side effect listed, I am going to get it. I have been on Endometrium four times before now, and do not remember this, but I have a sore and itchy hooha. Yup, it is quite uncomfortable actually. If it doesn't get any better soon I don't know what I am going to do. Did anyone of you experience this? If so, what did you do to feel some relief?

I got an email from GC today. She has started her pills and AF should be arriving in 32 days. I didn't say anything. I wanted to, but I was too scared. She is so excited and I don't want her to freak and leave me, in case I need her. I hope I won't regret this decision later on.

And in preparation plans, I worked all day on my lesson plans for when I'm away. I'm missing four days of school, so it was a lot to get done. It is always so stressful being away, and an unexpected long trip, is just daunting. Luckily, I'm all done and emailed the plans to the supply so I'm good to go. I will spend tomorrow writing Individualized Education Plans for my students and then I go to Denver and relax and not worry about work. Oh, that will be so nice.

I think I called the Homewood fifty times today, hoping that there was a way to stay there. The beads are so much better and so is the TV. Finally, on my last call, they said the magic word, we have a room. We are booked! I am so happy. Things are really falling into place.


Friday, October 29, 2010


I was in a state of complete and utter shock yesterday. I was not expecting a good outcome, in my head I was hoping for a 5mm lining so this 7mm just blows me away. I didn't ask the sonographer my measurement, she offered the info up as soon as she saw it. I was literally gitty. The nurses were also excastic. It is funny how people get excited at the littlest things when they don't expect much (my local RE actually paraded me around her office when I got my first follicle - seriously). None the less, yesterday was a totally awesome day, made so much better by all of your comments.

Today, I'm a wreck. Not in a will it work kind of way, but in a I'm not prepared kind of way. I am usually the person who has the calendar memorized and meds ordered weeks in advance. Right now, I can't keep it all straight. My head is spinning and I am finding myself scrambling to make sure I have enough meds. After a few frantic calls to my pharmacist, AKA mom I am all set, but now I can't remember what to take and when. I am adding in the antihistamine protocol, but can't remember when to start it. I think its on Sunday, but again, I just don't remember.

The other thing that is weighing heavily on my mind, is if I should disclose my plans to the GC. I have been 100% up front with AL, but haven't mentioned anything to the GC. On the one hand, I want to be open and honest. If I need to go this route, I don't want any tension or secrets. BUT, what if I get pregnant and don't need her? Is it fair for me to string her along? AL says it is up to me and doesn't think I need to tell (A. agrees), but I just don't know. Any thoughts?

The most exciting thing on my mind is meeting LisainSK for real! Over the past months, we have become extremely close and this is just the icing on my cake. I only wish I hadn't told all of you to stay at the Homewood as it is all booked up. It's the Staybridge for me. I have stayed there many times, but I so much prefer the Homewood beds. Oh well. Maybe it is good to have some new karma?

Tomorrow I am going for my p4 check, and assuming it all looks good, I will be set. Thanks again for your continued support, it means the world to me.


Thursday, October 28, 2010

What Will You Be Doing On November 3rd?

I will be transferring with a 7.0mm triple pattern lining! I can't believe it. Thank you so much for all the support, it has been amazing.


Wednesday, October 27, 2010


Tomorrow's my next lining check. I'm just going through the motions right now. I'm not optimistic at all that my lining will have magically thickened up. It's a strange place to be, not wanting to cancel, but wanting to at the same time so that I just move on. I am so ready to be done with all of this. Enough is enough.

Don't get me wrong, a super thick, triple patterned uterine lining would be nice though!


Monday, October 25, 2010


I was on pins and needles all day waiting to hear back from NN regarding the next steps for the GC. Things have been moving at warp speed and although I am excited to finally have some hope again, I couldn't help, but realize that things were getting out of control.

Luckily, the decision was taken away from me. NN said that the first step is to get the medical records approved. As well, we can only schedule the ODWU testing once I am 100% committed to the process. I sort of understand this, but am a bit bummed. GC told me that she won't be ready to go back until the first week of December. That just seems like an eternity from now. On the other hand, I am glad that my focus can be on myself for the moment. I need to send all the positive energy I have into my lining so that on Thursday it is showing at least a 5mm.

I was watching Brothers and Sisters and they used a term that so applies to me, womb envy. Yup, I have that and that is why I am going to focus my energy for the next few days on my lining and not on the GC.


Saturday, October 23, 2010

My Head is Spinning-UPDATED

There is so much spinning in my head that I can't process. Maybe that's why I have been slacking on my daily posting, maybe not? I have a hardened shell. I'm different than I was when I started this journey. I'm different than I was when I started this blog. There are many parts of me that I am proud of. I am a fighter and I think I am strong. But today, I just feel tired.

I keep thinking about my ultra thin lining (4mm remember) and in a way it is comical. Over the past year, my lining seems to be deteriorating at an alarming fast pace. Each cycle is worse than the one before it. I have given up in my head. I am so ready to move on, but my heart hasn't caught up yet. I am still going through the routine of taking the meds, putting on the patches, shoving the estrace up and going for acupuncture. Nothing.Is.Working.Here.

The conference call went well, better than expected actually. I really didn't know what to think before going in, but the agency lady (AL-don't have strength to come up with a cute ID) took control. She facilitated the conversation and asked us both questions and follow-up questions. At the end, we were able to ask each other other things that were not brought up. I was honest, very honest about what I want/need from this partnership. I want to involved. I want to attend as many doctor appointments as I can, I want to chat weekly and email regularly. I want to spend time with my belly (and her) and talk to it and touch it. I want to start bonding with my baby(ies) early. She seemed really ok with this. After the call, she hung up and I stayed on the line with AL to digest the call and decide if I want to proceed. I explained my fears to her and she told me that sometimes with repeat GCs it can be like a crap shoot for how they will respond. WHAT? Are you telling me that after all of this, she could reject me? Oh crap, I was panicking. We hung up the phone so she could her and see her thoughts, AL promised to call right back. It took more like an hour for this to happen. I was freaking out. Finally, she called back to say its a match. I have never been so relieved or happy.

So where do I go from here? I am still pursuing my own FET, but I don't have much hope for getting to transfer. The longer it will take my ute' to build up, the more chance I will have of losing my pattern. My new logo: it is what it is. I am also going to try and get her in for her pre-screening testing this month. Her expected period start is on Tuesday so I am hoping that she can get in in the next two weeks. I think from there it will be around 2-3 months as we need to do the legal stuff and start prepping for the cycle.

For the first time in a long time, I have hope. It is not the way I imagined this journey going, but it is what it is.


As I'm working away on the couch in my pajamas the door rang. These were sent to me from AL. How nice is that? The card read, thank you for letting us share in your journey. CCRM, you could learn a little something...just sayin'!

Thursday, October 21, 2010

I Shouldn't Be Surprised-UPDATED

I have officially checked out. I just can't do this anymore. I am going forward for A., but in my mind it is over before it began. My stellar lining has clocked in at a remarkable 4mm. Yup, you read that shit right, I am moving in the wrong fucking direction. That is crazy low. If my last three FET prep attempts are any indication, my lining tends to thicken about .3mm every five days. At that rate, it will take me two months to get a 6.5mm and I will loose my triple pattern. So ya, I'm pissed. I'm just done. Bring on the next step.

Oh and in case you know something about hormone levels that I don't, here are mine:

lining- 4mm
e2 - 3756
p4 - 6.07
lh - 0.709


UPDATE: Just finished the conference call and she is awesome. We officially have a GC! I'm still planning to work on my lining, but get her screened in the meantime. Finally, at least something positive happened today.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Not Myself

I have not been obsessing over tomorrow's lining check. It's weird, of course I want the triple pattern and at least a 6mm, but it is sort of like I have given up. I even had chocolate a few times this week (nothing major, just a handful of m&ms or a couple of cookies, but chocolate none the less). I have never had chocolate or caffeine of any kind while prepping for a cycle, and yet, I don't seem to care this time around. Maybe its because I have given up, or no that I am not going to produce a stellar lining no matter how much acupuncture I do, or maybe its because my back-up plan is getting in place.

I haven't processed the long term reality of using a GC. Sure, my head understands, but my heart? I'm not so sure its caught up. I keep thinking that this may be the way for me to becoming a mother and so the end justifies the means, but it is scary and incredibly sad. My IF scars run deep and this is just another layer in the hole.

Tomorrow is a crazy important day. Lining check, work evaluation, SJ appointment, conference call with GC and my BFF is giving birth to her third baby (second time she lapped me). Yup, tomorrow may very well suck. I am trying to prepare myself, but really, how does one prepare for constant disappointment?


Monday, October 18, 2010


I never thought that my story would inspire people. I thought more like the opposite, the 'I don't want to be like her' story. Over the past few months, I have been receiving many emails from you, that show support, care, comfort and some great advice. You have told me your stories and how they are similar to mine, and have helped me to feel less alone.

Thank you for reaching out to me. I can't tell you how much it helps me to feel less alone.


PS- I don't know if it is the potential GC or the potentially
upcoming FET, but I am feeling more optimistic lately. :)

Sunday, October 17, 2010

A.'s sister's wedding was absolutely beautiful. They had the perfect fall day and with the change in leaves, it was the perfect backdrop for pictures. From flowers to bridesmaids' colours no detail was left behind. They were the most beautiful couple under the chupah (Jewish wedding canopy) and they looked truly in love. I was so honoured to be a part of their special day.


Thursday is going to be a really big day. My fist lining and hormone check will be in the morning. This will be a good predictor of when I might get to transfer. I am really hoping for a number of at least 6mm. Second, I will have my first formal evaluation at my new job. I am not overly worried about it, but I still need to put a lot of thought into what lesson I am going to do. Then I have an appointment with SJ which I am looking forward to as a lot has happened in the last two weeks. Lastly, I am going to have a conference call with the GC and the agency. I am freaking nervous for this. Yes, I am committed to the FET and hope and pray that it will be successful, but I am also moving forward with this new plan. My mind is racing with questions and I can't believe how fast this is all happening, but then again, why wait? I am excited at the chance to be a mother soon. One way or another, I will parent a child. Soon.


Best Birthday Present

Yesterday was better than expected. I slept in (a rarity), went for brunch with A. and a girlfriend, and spent the afternoon getting mani/pedis and eating frozen yogurt. If that was all that happened, it would have been perfect. While sitting with feet in the hot water I got an email from the agency asking me how I feel about a 28 year old mother of two. My first reply was, "where does she live"? I decided that I for so many reasons I want to be actively invovled in this process and I want someone younger than me and the first two profiles that I was sent didn't fit my criteria. This one does!

She seems perfect. She has been a surrogate once before so she 'gets it', already has two kids of her own, so really understands pregnancy and the reasons why I want to be involved AND she lives 1.5 hours away (by car). This way, I can be at all milestone appointments and even visit when I want, but don't have to worry about running into her in awkward moments throughout my life. I could not have asked for a better situation.

Of course we are still focused on our FET, but if I have learned anything from the last four years, it is that we need to have a back-up plan in place. Now we do. A. and I are both excited.


Friday, October 15, 2010

Beta Day...No Way!

Today should be my beta day. No, the fact the Tren.tal is working BIG time to help my AF, seriously working if you get the idea, does not mean that I have forgotten this fact. Its on my mind constantly.

Tomorrow, I'm another year older. I hate my birthday, it is a slap in the face that my failing body is getting older. I thought 30 was the absolute fucking worst year of my life, but 31 is not starting out so well.

Sunday is A.'s sister's wedding. It is going to be lovely, but I can't help but play my MIL's words over and over again in my head about how they plan to get to pregnant on the honeymoon. I really don't think I will be able to take that. It might just push me over the edge (not literally).

I go for my first check on Thursday and then we will see where I'm at lining wise. I just need to breathe right now.


Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Here We Go Again

CD1 is here, let's get this party started! Estrogen starts tomorrow. Sometime in the next two weeks I hope to be on a plane to my beautiful embryos. If not, well I have a back-up a plan for that.


Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Moving Too Fast

Things are the GC seem to moving at warp speed. The agency emailed me today that they found me a potential GC, um what? That seems a little fast. The carrier they found for me was almost perfect. Great personality (from what I could tell from the profile), healthy, four previous successful natural pregnancies and always conceived on the first or second month (what the hell is that like) and seems to have altruistic reasons for wanting to do this (of course money comes into play, but I don't think it's the driving force. The down side is she's older than I would want, 39 and she lives quite far away (definitely a plane ride and a time difference). I didn't commit to her.

Maybe if she was younger, I would feel differently about the distance, but I struggle with this. I still am so upset with my body letting me down at such a young age that it is so difficult for me to turn to older women for help building my family. This is the part that stings the worst for me. If you are in your late 30s or 40s you may not understand and may think I am being silly, but I promise if you were 30 fucking years and your egg donor was older than you as well as your GC, it would suck.

I am not ready to commit to anyone right now. Its too soon. In the next two days I am hoping to get AF and then will get the ball rolling on my final FET. Without Lupron and waiting for a thick lining, I estimate the transfer will be around two weeks from CD1 and I really want to focus my energy on positivity for this cycle. I know its a long shot. I know I may not even get to transfer. I know it might not work. I know it might work to only get ripped away too soon. But I need to try and I need to believe, otherwise, what is the point?


Monday, October 11, 2010

Taking Step 2

I have been feeling yucky for a few days now. I can't remember the last time I had a cold, but I have one. Sore throat, stuffy nose, dry cough and all over achiness...yuck. This is why I didn't post yesterday, I had a lot to say, but fell asleep.


Yesterday, I went out with two girlfriends for massages and lunch. It was really nice to spend time with them and it felt great to get out of the house. I was really looking forward to this day as I really needed a spa day. It was my first time back at the place where I was truly happy. We went to the same spa I was at when I got the email, my second beta had doubled. My dreams and prayers had finally been answered. I had crossed over to the other side. 547 was such a strong number, it all went to hell shortly after that. I expected it to be much harder to go back there. I prepared myself the entire way there and then braced myself before going in. It wasn't that bad. My locker was on the opposite side of the change room so I never had to go to that place where I first read the email. I didn't tell my girlfriends about this, it was a personal moment for me and I just didn't want to share that piece.

I still managed to enjoy the massage, and even relaxed in the steam and sauna (which I wasn't able to do last time). The pregnancy thoughts were never far from my mind, but it wasn't so bad.

Today, A. and I filled out the intended parents form for the surrogacy agency. Neither of us is really ready for this step, although I am almost there. I am really tired of the hormonal ups and downs and just need to move on. He is supportive, but not quite there yet. We are on the same page for most of the questions, but the ones about contact with the GC is where we differ. I want to be a part of every part of the pregnancy. I want to attend the OB appointments and feel the baby move, and be in the labour and delivery room. I need to feel like I am a part of the process. It's not my egg, not my genes, not my uterus. I need to be a part of the process. It's different for A. He is a part of it. It's his sperm, his genes and his link. He understands how I feel and is totally supportive, but he just isn't interested in maintaining a close relationship with the woman who will carry our child. Is this typical?

In terms of our connection after the baby(ies) is born, that is a different matter completely. He is adamant that he wants no contact. I don't know. I need to distance myself from the GC at the beginning for sure, as I need to feel like the mother. I need to be the one who cares for this baby. I want to be there. I think A. is right, but then I hear stories about the amazing GCs and the relationships they form with their intended parents and I want that. It's not just business for me. I guess a lot of this will depend on the GC and how we mesh together. Maybe I am putting the cart before the horse here. I just need to get my head settled so my heart can catch up.

It should be noted that I have told A. that this is my last chance for right now. Even if I get cancelled again (which could happen as we know), I'm done. I'm tired of fighting and I just need to move on. He is on board even though this is is difficult.


Saturday, October 9, 2010

Taking the First Step

I made contact with the surrogacy agency that SJ told me about. Actually, SJ had already spoken to woman in charge on my behalf so she knew a little about me. It was a very difficult phone call. I had many pauses where I just couldn't believe what I was talking about and then I started to well up. I was in my office at school, so I fortunately, I couldn't get too out of control with the crying.

She walked me through the process and if you put the piece of me not actually being pregnant aside, it is not that bad. This agency takes care of everything. She told me that it may take a few weeks to find a GC as the criteria for CCRM is quite specific (imagine that) and she wants to make sure that the GC will pass the check-up. OK. She also said that I can begin looking now, and if by some miracle we don't need to go this route, we are under no obligation. That is such a relief. I was so worried that I would need to pay the agency up front for looking for the GC, I feel much more comfortable now. We only need to pay once the GC is approved. I can handle that.

I got a basic outline of the fees and it seems in Canada, it is not nearly as expensive as the States. Since it is illegal in Canada to pay someone to donate their gametes or carry the pregnancy, the fees are greatly reduced. The 'compensation' is for out of pocket expenses and the like.

Breakdown of fees:

$8000 - $12000 legal fees (covers all pre and post items for both me and the GC)
$18000 first time GC fee
$2000 for twins
$2000 for c-section either elective or determined necessary by OB
*don't have the specifics on the agency fee yet

There will be some hidden costs as well. For example, if she gets put on bedrest, I am responsible for the difference between her lost wages and sick benefits.

In the end, the price is close to a donor cycle at CCRM, crazy expensive, but in the end what isn't these days?

The next step is to put our profile together. This is where A. and I sit down and go over what we are looking for in a GC. This is infinitely harder than looking for the donor. There we had criteria, there were no what if questions. With this, it is the what if questions that freak me out. I don't know how I feel about selective reduction or termination of pregnancy if god forbid a disability is found so how can I answer? This is something that A. and I will need to consider very carefully. To those of you that have been through this process, any advice you can share would be so appreciated.

I have to say that overall I got a good feeling from her and it sounds like it would be an easy relationship. Phew. I have very high standards for my reproductive team and so I am glad she passed my initial once over.

I am also so impressed with A. I thought he would freak out at me taking this step, but he was really good with it. He hopes (as do I) that it will not come to this, but he is supportive of this next leg of the journey. I am so lucky that all the shit from the summer is finally completely behind us. We are a united front and that is how it should be.

When I started this blog last December, I never imagined myself in this place...


Friday, October 8, 2010


We in this community are amazing at one Tonight, two of my friends could really use some right now. Please go over and give Patience and Lis a big hug.



Thursday, October 7, 2010

SJ Says

I have been reading your blogs, but haven't been up to commenting lately. Please forgive, I promise to be back soon.

I finally had an appointment with SJ. It felt like forever since I last saw her, and I really needed to process my feelings. She agreed, I'm a mess. I equated my low right now to the same level, but different pain from the summer. Its not good.

She asked me what I was doing to be proactive. Honestly? Nothing. I think this is one of the reasons I'm so down. She gave me the contact info for the best (in her opinion) surrogacy agency in Toronto and instructed me to contact her. Holy shit, I need a surrogate. Ok, maybe not officially...yet, but she thinks there is a very real possibility this could be the direction I go. This coming from the same woman who told me not to get ahead of myself is now urging me to contact surrogates. Holy shit.

I'm going to make the inital contact, but I'm so scared.


Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Thinking About What Could Have Been...

This morning when I logged onto my computer my iCal popped up, “ET today”. I guess I hadn’t synched my blackberry with my computer since the cancellation. I quickly shut it down, but the in-your-face reminder was not something that I needed today.

My strategy of keeping extra busy has been a good one. Most days, I barely have time to go to the bathroom, let alone process my feelings; but today, all I can seem to do is think about it.



Monday, October 4, 2010

- $330

Yup, it costs money to cancel a cycle. FMFL. If I put all the airline cancellation fees in a jar from the past year, I would be able to cover an FET! Just another reason how this all sucks.


Sunday, October 3, 2010

One Foot In Front Of The Other

My goal for today was to not cry. I accomplished this.


Saturday, October 2, 2010


My sister ordered her nursery furniture today. I was ok with it, I even asked her to describe it to me. It doesn't sound like my style so oddly, it was ok...I was ok. A few hours later, I started crying. I guess this is another symptom of the PTSD.

SJ has been away at a Canadian Infertility Conference in Vancouver this week so it has been difficult for me to process all that has fallen apart this week. She did tell me that she spoke to many doctors at the conference and they all agree that too much emphasis is placed on the number associated with the thickness and that the pattern is more important. At least I feel better knowing that cancelling was the right thing to do. It doesn't make it suck any less though.

It is a funny place to be, this in between place. I am not actively cycling anymore, but the constant reminders are still there. Today, I was scratching my stomach when I felt the leftover residue from the patches. Ouch. I think I scratched it away and left a mark, but I just needed it gone. I am slowly weaning off the meds. Two patches every other day and prometrium three times a day; I hate the reminder.

A. has been great. He is totally supportive, but he can't truly get it. A FET for a male isn't real until you are in the transfer room. I am the hormonal mess on top of the emotional mess. I have moments where I see clearly and am thankful that I didn't go through with it, but most moments are sad. Sad that I failed yet again. This is my fourth cancelled cycle this year alone. It is different than a delay. If you have never experienced a cancellation, you simply cannot understand how badly it sucks. Delays are easy. They too suck (I have had many of those too), but they don't impact your persception of yourself. It is not about how you performed or how you failed. I have said before that a cancellation can be worse than a BFN and in many ways it is true.

It is a different kind of failure. A BFN is the worst, but there are so many factors involved that it is hard to blame one thing. This failure was all me. My stupid lining didn't cooperate. It is my fault. I am to blame. Rational or not, these feelings of low self worth won't go away. I know that my inability to get pregnant does not define, but right now it just feels that my life is one BFF (big fat failure).


Friday, October 1, 2010

I'm sitting in a Starbucks drinking a decaf vanilla latte and eating banana chocolate chip cake...I'm cancelled.

This morning my measured a thick 7.1mm, but still homogenous so its the end of the road for this cycle. Right now, I am coping. I have to. I am not at home in the comfort of my bed and I tool the last of pills last night, but I am devastated. And angry. And scared.

Plan one million and one is now in full effect. I have scaled down to two patches every other day and begin taking oral progesterone tonight. I should expect a period in 10 days. Then I will start this nightmare over again.

Thanks for all your support this week, it means so much to know I'm not alone.