Friday, September 23, 2011

One Month

LMI turned one month old today, where did the time go? It has been an amazing journey getting to know her and learning to how to be a mommy. Life is pretty awesome right now, my beautiful daughter is sleeping beside me and my amazing husband is loving parenthood. What could be better?

Last weekend was a party in honour of LMI. Back in 2007 when A and I first started TTC we always thought we would have a small family gathering to introduce the child to the world. Well with our struggles and so many people supporting us along the way, that didnt seem fitting. So, we invited the entire world (ok not exactly but pretty darn close) and celebrated our miracle in style. It was AMAZING. A welcome everyone with the most touching speech. He started off explaining her name and the meaning it and who she was named after. Then the tears came when he read his poem. He started off by saying that he has been writing this poem since learning we were pregnant. Seriously. It was a touching pievpce about our journey and why we feel so blessed - it was comical and sentimental at the same time. There wasnt a dry eye in the room.

I think I was in a bit of a blur during the party. I have dreamed for so long of a moment just like that and it was finally here. It wasso surreal. People ask if i can believe that she is here and my answer is I believe that easier than believing that I was pregnant. Still cant quite wrap my head around that one. People were so incredibly generous, not just in terms of gifts, but more soin their heart felt sincerity of happiness for us. It was really touching.

Other than that my days are spent organizing LMI's stuff as she has acquired a lot since birth and getting her nursery ready for when her furniture will be delivered (hopefully next week). I promise to post pics once its done. I have also come to the realization that bad habits are awesome for right now. She loves the pacifier and is a much better sleeper when she is next to me so we bought a cosleeper. What an amazing invention. Life is pretty great right now.

I know that my exteme happiness may be difficult for some right now because of wher they are in their own IF hell journey and for that I am sorry. It is never my intent to cause someone pain.


Saturday, September 10, 2011

Lucky Catch

A and I were looking through photos on the computer today of our journey to meet LMI. Wow was I skinny all those years ago when we first started. Seriously, very skinny...I forgot.

We initially started TTC in February 2006, and had our first RE appointment in October. The following June, for our anniversary, A surprised me with a beautiful Lin.ks of Lon.don Swee.tie bracelet fitted with two charms, an A and R. It was a much more expensive gift than we usually spend, but he knew that I needed something special to commemorate this extremely difficult time in our lives. Over the past years the bracelet has served as a reminder of our struggle. I look at it and am reminded back to the time where we were so ignorant and naive about the entire Infertility process and found hope in the little things - like a bracelet. Oh if only. As the treatments progressed and the years went on, the bracelet and my spirit began to dwindle. I no longer looked at it with the same eyes I once did. It now was a reminder of a dream that wasn't.

After our last failure this past November, I realized that I may never conceive and carry a pregnancy. It was a rough time as you all know. I remember being at the mall with my mom and passing the Links store. I felt like I needed a new charm to signify the end of one journey and the beginning of another. After carefully analyzing the charms, I found the perfect one, "lucky catch", an oyster with a pearl inside. Seeing as finding a pearl inside an oyster is extremely rare it is considered a good luck charm. I knew I had to buy it and add it to my bracelet. Not three weeks later a miracle happened. I was pregnant.

I do not think for one second that the charm or bracelet were responsible for this. But, you can't argue the timeline or significance. Today, all my charms serve as reminders of what I have been through and help me remember (as if I could forget) all that we struggled to meet LMI.

Eight days after her birth, A and I took her for a photo shoot. I leave you with this image of our lucky catch.


Monday, September 5, 2011

2 Weeks

Two weeks ago my whole world changed. I was in the hospital with the induction underway. LMI was born and in a way, so was I.

People keep telling me how happy I look, A says that I am the opposite of PPD and its true, I am happy. BUT, what was the perception of me before? How sad did I appear to the world? I thought I put up a great front in public, always smiling and trying not to let on just how devastated and emotionally disconnected I was, but I guess I wasn't as good an actress as I thought.

The last two weeks have been filled with the most extreme highs. Not one moment that I have spent with my daughter has been taken for granted. We have bonded and I am so in love with her - and my husband. I find myself still confused about how this all happened, but then I realize that its not important. She's here and my life is whole again.