Monday, October 24, 2011

2 Months

LMI had her two month check up today. I was a mess in anticipation of the vaccine shots - you remember me and needles. Needless to say, I was up most of the night worrying about it.

She's now upto 8lbs1oz and is 20.5", so growing and gaining well. I don't think she's on the growth charts yet, but she's on a steady incline so I'm happy with that.

She's smiling and laughing all the time now and it is the most amazing thing in the world to see. She's also becoming quite strong. She lifts her head up and turns from side to side. She even rolled over 3 times today (but her pedi thinks it was by mistake).

I am starting to learn her signs more clearly now and identify her different cries. It took me a while to realize that crying didn't = feed me...NOW. It has definitely been a learning curve for me.

The one part of today's visit that was concerning was her hip. Apparently it clicks. The dr asked if she was a breech birth (no) so, we need to investigate further. We will get an ultrasound done and then see if and what should be done. If you have any advice on this I'm all ears please.

The vaccine was much harder on me than on her. Yes, she cried like I have never heard before with huge tears streaming down her face, but after a few minutes (which seemed like an eternity, probably only 2 or 3) she was calm again. She is feeling pretty tired and is a different fussy than usual, but thankfully no fever yet.

LMI and I are taking our first trip together next week. We are heading to Florida for a week with my parents, sister and niece. I am so excited to get away and this will be my first vacation in YEARS that didn't revolve around my cycle, IF treatment or medication times. I can't wait. I am nervous for the flight as I have no idea what to expect. She will be ten weeks so again, advice is welcome.

LMI - I can't believe you're already two months old. You have grown so much and are becoming your own person. I love waking up and seeing your smiling face and watching you learn new things everyday. I love being your mommy and I love you with all my heart.


Sunday, October 16, 2011

32 and Other Things

I turned another year older on Sunday. Yup, 32. It felt different than my past four birthdays. I woke up and didnt instantly try to hide in bed, I was excited to see what the day would bring. Im not high matenance when it comes to birthdays, I hate being the center of attention so parties and large gatherings are not my scene - this year was no exception. It was a low key relaxing day at home with LMI and A followed by a family dinner at my parents. Perfect. The best part was my present from A. He got me the entire chocloate cake. The one from the Chee.secake Fac.tory, OMG it was freakin' awesome! The weirdest part of the day was the blowing out of the candles and making the wish. I have had the. Same wish for years now but it came true in August. This year's wish a bit more general. It was my first birthday as a mommy and it was perfect.


We all know what happens after the six week appointment with your husband. I was so fucking scared to have sex, I literally lost sleep over it. I played out different scenarios about when, where and how and even came up with rules that A had to abide by (romantic right?).
1) know that it isnt going to feel good for me right now, but if we dont move past the pain, it will never get better. Dont ask if I'm ok every five minutes, it will burt and I know that.
2) the boobs are off limits. Seriously, they are still really sore and tender from BF that I am not intersted in bringing additional attention to that area.
3) This will not be romantic, just get in and out quick.

A was surprising fine with my neurotic rules and after a six month hiatus, the dry spell was over. Yup, we did the deed on my birthday. It wasnt nearly as bad as I was anticipating. Yes, it was uncomfortable, and there was NO deep penetration (sorry for the TMI), but with the help of some KY (a must), it was almost pleasurable. Afterwards, was a whole different story. I was sore...for hours. Not expecting that. It can only get better though. So happy I conquered that fear, it is an awful feeling to be scared o
To be intimate with your husband.


Along with the sex came a new set of anxiety for me. One that I thought was behind me and would stay away for a little longer. Yup, the TTC fears and stress are back. No, we are not actively trying for a second. I am so incredibly happy and feel fulfilled with LMI. I love waking up next to her in the morning, spending the day with her and putting her to sleep at the end of the day. Every smile she makes, literally makes my heart explode with love. Shes getting bigger and stronger everyday and I am savouring the moments. BUT, I know that in time I want more children. And if it is going to take another five years, then I want to get started now so no, we are not actively trying, but we will have unprotected sex and if nothing happens when we are seriously ready for another child, then back to CO we will go to use our embryos that our waiting for us. It is just a weird place to be in right now. On the one hand I am not ready to be pregnant again so I dont want to be, but on the other hand, I am and will be sad with each passing month of unprotected sex and nothing. IF sucks. I thought I was free from it, but this just reminds me that I am so not.


Wednesday, October 12, 2011

LMI's Nursery

The furniture for the nursery finally arrived and we have spent the last few days organizing and putting stuff away. I am so happy with how it has turned out so far, and aside from the finishing touches on the walls, the room is done. I hope LMI loves her nursery and is as happy in it as I was designing it for her.

As promised, here are a few pics:

This is the chandelier (obviously), it's on a dimmer and at night when I rock her in the glider, it shows beautiful prism designs on the wall. Love it!

The furniture is from the Canadian company, Hub.bard's Cup.board. The crib skirt is from my favourite - PBK. I am hoping to put up a wall decal from Hip Chi.cks (the clara) with LMI's name on it, over the crib.

The crystal knobs, just screamed girly girls room. Perfect little touches. We are hanging three 7x7 white frames with pictures from our photo shoot. I can't wait!

My favourite part of her room. I love spending time with LMI in my arms rocking her (in my not so pretty, but totally comfortable glider), reading her my favourite books (Rob.ert Mun.sch, Er.ic Car.le) or singing her some songs. The drapes and lamp are also from PBK. I am planning to put up some book shelves on the walls, and the yellow giraffe from the dresser will be book ends.


Friday, October 7, 2011

Finding My Place

When I first started blogging, it was because I needed support. We had just begun the egg donor process after countless IUI and IVFs and two chemical pregnancies, that i was looking for people who got what I was going through. Being young, there were not many people that had experienced IF in the same way as me and I found it hard to relate to the stories of their journeys this is not to say that I felt my pain was more profound, just different. I was desperate to find a connection to women who similar to me and I was lucky because I found that and so much more.

Sharing my story and reading yours provided me with the realization that I was not alone. Others had walked the same path as me and I learned so much from the strength and determination of you all. I quickly learned that IF sucks just as bad at 40 as it does at 30 and that I had a lot in common with women of all ages. I didnt feel so isolated. When many of you found success, I found myself truly happy and sharing your joy. When one had a loss, I was equally torn up and devastated for you.

I feel like I'm in purgatory right now. I'm again finding my place as a parent after IF and what that means for me and how I blog. Yes, I plan to continue because I still need you and my story is not over. We may have added a player, but our team is not complete. So please bear with me as I navigate my way through parenting after life crushing IF.


LMI is six weeks! I can hardly believe it. Like many of you said, it only gets better after six weeks. She is now sleeping in longer stretches at night (5hr, 4hr), shes becoming more aware of her surroundings and enjoyi g looking at her toys and the best by far is the smiling. OMG it is amazing. She had been almost smiling, or practicing, for a weekor so, and I wasnt really sure if she was doing it or not, but then right on her six week mark, she gave me two totally awesome, no douting what they are smiles. Melt my heart. She is also gaining weight like a champ - shes now upto 7lbs2oz and is gaining about 22g a day.

Breastfeeding is getting easier, but holy cow its hard work. I think this was the area I was most surprised about. People dont tell you how hard it is and so you feel alone. LMI is exclusively on the breast now unless I choose to give her a bottle. That in itself was a major accomplishment. Being small and under forty weeks, her sucking reflex and stamina were still developing so latching was a major issue. Its still not perfect, but it is waaaaaay better and not nearly as painful. Cracked nippkes suck. They hurt like hell and make you prone to other infections. Once my nipples healed, i got a yeast in my breasts, who ever heard of such a thing? Luckily, its not serious and was easily treated. It does that seem that its one thing after another though. Hopefuly now the trend will be moving in a more positive pain free direction.


I went for my six week post pardom check up. I was scared shitless about it. It was a piece of cake. I was able to avoid the pap as I had one earleir this year that was normal. Yay yay yay. I also got weighed and learned that i have lost all of my pregnancy weight and then some! Now I need to workon my IVF pounds. A and I talked it over and we decided that we are not going to use birth control. We are both so incredibly happy with LMI, but we would love more children so we feel that after all it took for her to get here, why prolong trying for a second. Tobe fair, you need to have sex to be trying and that is not happening any time soon. I'm way to scared for that. Our plan has always been to have unprotected sex for a year and if nothing, then go back to CO and use our embryos.

Emotionally I'm doing well. Almost to well, I was nervous that I had no signs of the hormone crash or baby blues that people talk about so I brought it up to the RN. She said that although it is common, it is not a guarentee and if it hasnt yet, it probably wont. A and I will still be on the lookout for signs of PPD, but right now I'm feeling pretty good.


Thanks for continuong to support me, this community is my family.