Saturday, January 29, 2011

The Plan

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and personal stories with me, A. and I have read them and they have helped a lot. We decided to go ahead with the GC as planned...for now. Once (if) we hit the 12-week mark and things look ok, we may reevaluate, but for now, we are committed to this plan. We also decided to not tell the GC yet. We consulted with AL and we all agreed that she does not need to know now. Of course we would tell her before a transfer, but right now, I do not feel safe with my own pregnancy that I just don't want to deal with that.

Our transfer is set for March 11, but our legal contract needs to be in place by Feb.9th and I am not sure that will happen, so who knows how far back will be pushed. AL is working hard to make this happen for us, but right now, I just don't know what will happen. I am trying to be relaxed about both situations so that I don't get too attached to any outcome. The lawyer will receive his retainer Monday by lunch and then we will know if this is doable or not. Fingers crossed.

On Thursday we had our second ultrasound. I was feeling pretty calm leading up to it, but come Wednesday night I was a mess. Driving on the way, I started hyperventilating and crying. I was petrified that the heart stopped and this would all be over. Thankfully, things still look good. It measured 9mm with a heartbeat of 165. Relief.

A. was with me and after the scan we met with the RE. She told me that my reactions are completely normal. That I am living week to week and I feel relief for a few days after the scan, and then go back to worrying. It won't hurt the pregnancy to feel like this, but I should try and enjoy some moments. All we have is now and if the worst happens, we will deal with it. I am trying to do that but it is difficult.

In her effort to make me a normal patient, she referred me to an OB. It took her a few moments of thought and consideration before making her suggestion. I picked the hospital, and she did the rest. She assigned me to a high-risk dr that specializes in people like me. Nut jobs. People that have been through a lot to get pregnant that need a little extra hand holding and may be a bit nuts (or in my case, a lot). I don't think we meet this doctor until after twelve weeks, but just having the referral is a big step for me.

She put us on a weekly ultrasound plan because as she says, the research shows that frequent monitoring helps to reduce anxiety and miscarriages in the nutsos. Ok, I like that. I can only imagine how much worse off I will be without the scans.

I started having infrequent bouts of nausea from about 6.5weeks, but now they are more stable. I am not throwing up, but I am constantly nauseous and I am loving it. I have tried many natural remedies (candied ginger, tea, crackers), and so far the crackers are working. I did hear of some candies that are supposed to relieve the nausea so I am going to try those as well. If you have other remedies, I am all ears. (I am totally open to taking medication, however it is manageable right now, but if it gets worse than to the pharmacy I will go.)

On another note, A. and I babysat tonight. My sister had to go out unexpectedly for about an hour and half and so we watched her. It was the first time we were alone with an infant and we did a great job. Of course it is way easier to watch a baby for a short time, but for us, this was a huge milestone. I have been spending more time with her lately and she is just so cute, that I fall more in love with her cuteness every time I see her. (Thank you to those who told me that would happen.)

I'm in a better place right now. I feel hopeful that 2011 will bring me a take home baby (one way or another) and A. and I are and have been in a great place. I am so glad the devastation from the summer is behind us and we can focus on other things. I won't lie, I think about that pregnancy all the time. I am acutely aware that the due date anniversary is around the corner in February, and although it will be incredibly sad, we will get through it.


Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Flip Flopping

For the past week all A. and I have been doing is obsessing about the decision to go ahead with the GC or not. It is not about using a GC or using DE that is affecting our decision, it is whether we want to have two kids three months apart. It is hard for me to believe there may actually be a Take Home Baby in eight months, and I fear that this is clouding my judgement.

I can only think short term right now. How great it would be to finally be done with building our family. Two kids, close in age...would be great. We would still be in that baby mode when the second comes around, that although yes, I can only imagine how difficult it will be, but from where I'm sitting, what isn't difficult? One kid is tough. Twins are tough. People get through it, I can get through it. Maybe if I had a crystal ball that showed me that everything would be ok, I would feel more secure, but right now I am just terrified. Terrified of making the wrong decision, of making the right decision, of making any decision actually.

What if we went through with it? We would forever be explaining to the world why are children are three months apart. Will they resent this? Will the second feel as loved as the first? WIll the first feel as loved as the second? I won't be able to just sit and take in all the moments. I will be busy. Very busy and may miss things. I will be able to stay home for the full year with the first, but not the second, is that fair?

I want to get to a place where I feel excited about my pregnancy (assuming it is still going on and healthy). Will I be able to enjoy two simulatenously? Will I be able to give the GC the attention that she deserves during this time?

These are some of the thoughts running through our minds. We are no closer to making a decision than we were yesterday. If you have ever been in a similar situation, I would love to hear your thoughts (and if you haven't as well).


Friday, January 21, 2011

The Telling - Part 1

Yesterday A. and I went to see SJ. I brought A. along for the visit because I really need him to understand how scared and reserved I am with all of this. He is characteristically optimistic - almost to a fault, and this terrifies me as well. SJ was amazing (as usual). She really helped A. see where I was coming from and I think he gets it. It took a while, a lot of explaining and rephrasing, but in the end he got it. We left her office feeling excited to share our news with our immediate families.

When we first decided to start a family, I imagined how I would tell my parents the news. It was going to be this magical moment where we just shocked and surprised everyone. Over the last four years, that dream disappeared. My parents have been a part of this every step of the way (they even waited in the waiting for all my local retrievals) so to think that my dream was becoming my reality is amazing. I couldn't bring myself to say the words so A. did. Of course he did it in a cute, funny way, but the expression and look on my mom's face was priceless. She was in some major shock. My brother was also super excited and overwhelmed. It was a really great night.

Tonight we told A.'s family. His mom broke into instant tears and his dad needed to hear the words a few times before it registered. My SIL and BIL were also there and very excited for us. It was very special.

I will say this - I am SO not ready to have pregnancy talk. Tonight, questions were flying and I had no answers. Do I have an OB? No. How long will I need to be monitored? I don't know. What does my RE think about such and such? I don't know. I also don't really care. In fact, I was feeling rather uncomfortable with all the pregnancy related talk - even though it was about me.

At the end of the night, I told A. that I was relieved that the 'telling part' was over for now we don't have to talk about it. I don't allow myself to think about these things as I still feel that if I get too comfortable the other shoe will drop. He got that.

In other news, I think our transfer date is set for March! This gives me time to get my ducks in a row and get my head around all the implications. A. and I are still not 100% convinced of what to do, but we whatever happens, we will make the decision together and be on the same page.


Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Hurdle Two

I have spent the last few days analyzing and over analyzing all of this, and I am still struggling. I think A. and I want to proceed with the original GC plan as we feel that it is best for us and our situation. We are both completely worn down from IF and are scared to death about this pregnancy so right now that is the direction we are leaning towards. BUT, things change, so who knows?


This morning was my ultrasound. I booked it on Monday so I didn't have that much time to really stress over it, but holy shit was I a mess. I purposefully tried to stay awake longer last night so that I would be extra tired and be able to sleep through the night. The plan worked and I slept for most of the night - but not well. This morning I was a mess. My anxiety was through the roof and at times I was hyperventilating so badly, I almost threw up. A few times.

A. was as calm as ever. He was sure that today would bring good news. I was only hoping to see a fetal pole - I needed to see the pole as that was the first sign that something wasn't right last time. When I got to the ultrasound clinic this morning, the receptionist greeted me with a congratulatory grin, and then I saw the tech. It was the same tech that almost messed up my May cycle, so I didn't have the best feelings going in.

I lay on the table and she put the cold jelly on my stomach. After what seemed like an eternity (probably 1 min) I asked if she could see anything. She saw the sac and the yolk sac. Ok, it's not ectopic, but where the fuck is my fetal pole? She continued with her measurements and I continued panicking and crying. She showed me the sac - lady don't you know me by now, I need to see the pole! During the bathroom break I tried to collect myself and pump myself up for the big gun ultrasound - the transvaginal. I got on the table and just started shaking. I have never been so nervous, anxious and scared in my life. After another eternity she made a comment that I am going to be happy. She said she could see clicking. What the fuck is clicking? She moved the screen towards me and showed me, I was exactly like Rachel from Friends when she couldn't see anything on the screen she had to point it out to me. I asked if there was a pole and what the clicking was, she said, yes obviously there is a pole, that's the heartbeat. Oh.My.God.

A heartbeat. I was not expecting that. A. joined us in the room and I lost control again. I was crying from being overwhelmed and disbelieving that I was actually seeing good news. We did a high five and then it was over. We were given two pictures and then sent to see the RE.

Everyone in my RE's office was so supportive and happy for us. She (the RE) actually swore out of excitement and shock and admitted that she wanted to call me, but didn't want to jinx anything so she stayed quiet - but to know how extremely happy she is. She gave me a huge hug and tears were shed by both. It was amazing.

I was in a state of complete and utter shock for the entire appointment. I didn't know what to ask or what to think so all I know is that the heartbeat measured at 114. She seemed happy with that. I have no clue how far along I am as I forgot to ask, but I think I saw on the paper it saying 6w2d so let's go with that for today. Next ultrasound is on the 27th.

I left the clinic in shock. The entire day has been a blur of events.

After work today, I went to my sister's house to see my niece on her one month birthday (did you know this was a thing?) and I decided that I couldn't keep the secret any more so I needed to spill the beans. We were watching Oprah and today's episode seemed to have an extraordinary amount of pregnancies and baby related topics. It was part of the Australian trip and at one point, Oprah was talking to a lady and asking about her day when she said that she found herself pregnant with her second after two years of trying. I replied, "that's nothing, I am pregnant after 4.5 years". My sister looked at me in shock and we both started crying. She had questions about how it happened, how far along and other usual things, but like me she was just over the moon happy and surprised.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life. I am choosing to believe that.


Sunday, January 16, 2011

Hurdle One is Over

Sorry for not posting or commenting much this week, it has been one of those crazy busy weeks.

Thursday's beta test showed an increase, but not a doubling so I was freaked. Yes, it was an 80% doubling, but still...paranoia. Thankfully yesterday's test was back to a doubling (or more than doubling) number so relief has settled in. Since my beta is now 10366, we are now officially done with the every other day blood tests! Next hurdle...ultrasound.

I am going to call tomorrow to make the appointment, but I am terrified. Doubling betas do not equal a heartbeat. I know this from last time, although everything about this seems different. I have no symptoms what so ever, including no progesterone symptoms. I feel fine, good, normal. Is that normal? Last time, my hcg numbers were off to a great doubling start, but around 6000 they increased, but not by 60% so my local RE had the indication that things would not be good. This time, we don't have that, but is that enough? On the one hand, I want the ultrasound ASAP. I need to know what is going on in there, but living in this state of calm is nice too. Without confirmation, I am living in denial. Denial there may be a heartbeat and denial that there may not be. Ignorance is bliss. My hope is to wait it out for Friday, as I will either be 7w or 6w and we have a better chance of seeing something. But I don't know if I can hold out that long.


The GC officially passed the screening this week so we are on our way. I spoke with AL and told her about my situation. She was extremely supportive and told me not to tell the GC right now. Phew, one less thing I need to worry about. As of right now, my plan remains to transfer with the GC as well, but it might change. I think if I am going to do this, I need the babies (I can't believe there might be babies) to be born relatively close together so an April transfer is as late as I would go. They want the GC to do a mock cycle as her lining looked a bit thin during her ultrasound, but I think its ridiculous and am trying to fight it. She has had three successful pregnancies - all took on the first time - so I am not worried about her uterus in the least. Besides, we can always give her some Estrace as well. Ugh, I hate red tape.

I haven't done anything with the lawyer yet, as there is a part of me that just wants to see what the ultrasound will bring. I am probably delaying the cycle, but right now I don't care. There are only so many things I can deal with at a time.

My mind is racing every second of every day going back and forth between my possible pregnancy and transferring into the GC that I am exhausted. I don't know what the right thing to do is. I know how I feel now, but maybe I won't feel that way in two years or ten years. What if I am able to have more children, do I really want to use my DE cycle then? (I don't think this is the case, but clearly you never know.) Will my children resent me for this? What if my pregnancy ends from a complication? What if I can not get pregnant again? The different scenarios are so real and the ramifications are for life so we need to make the right decision. All I know is that A. and I will love any and all children that come to us, no matter how they arrive. We are exhausted from TTC and IF and ready to be parents. We were 100% comfortable transferring two embryos with the possibility of twins, so what is really so different now?

I am just so confused. It is still so unbelievable and I can't really process any of it. If the situation was reversed and the GC got pregnant first, we wouldn't think twice about this, so why is it different now?


Tuesday, January 11, 2011


I am not letting my guard down with this miracle pregnancy. Last time, I truly thought everything would be ok and I was completely blindsided by the miscarriage. I won’t let that happen again. A. is more than 100% convinced that this is our miracle. That it is finally our turn to have the happy ending.

Going for betas every other day is both reassuring and terrifying. I find myself a nervous wreck until they call with the results (2633), but then I find some peace for a short while only to relieve the entire the experience. I don’t want to rush time until an ultrasound (no clue when that will be), but I need to know how this is going to end up. Are we really going to get the happy ending and a take home baby? I hope so, but I am not convinced yet.

We haven’t shared this with anyone IRL except my dad, but I am uncomfortable about this. AL doesn’t know, nor the GC or CCRM. I go back and forth in my head about what to do, but I am leaning towards going ahead with the DE GC plan as well. A. and I want a big family and we are both ready to get off this ride. Also, I am not sure if this is a one-time wonder. There are stories (urban legends) of people that get pregnant a few months into their surrogacy pregnancy, so in essence this would be the same, only in reverse direction. I am definitely going to tell the GC before we set a transfer date as it is only fair. I will be honest and hopefully she will be supportive and still want to go ahead with the transfer.

Am I crazy for wanting to this? Is it being greedy? If you know of stories of people that have children a few months apart, I would love hear them.


Monday, January 10, 2011

The Party

Yesterday was not an easy day. It started at 7am when I went for my beta test followed by the party. I told my mother that I would help set-up and decorate the room so I spent the morning arranging flowers, organizing the tables and putting the finishing touches on whatever needed to be done. I began to get nervous that I had heard about my beta around 1pm as they always call by 12:30pm. I kept thinking that it would not be a good day to get bad news. Please don't let it be bad news.

They finally called around 2pm - just before the party started and to my surprise, the number went up again. 1088.3! Holy shit that sounds like a strong number. I really hope this works as I find myself getting attached.

The party was very nice. I was only mistaken for my sister two or three times which was less than anticipated so that was good. Each time it happened though, it was like a punch in my gut. No, I'm not the one who just had the baby, I'm the older infertile sister. Wouldn't it be nice if we could actually say what was on our minds? Having my own positive news definitely helped get me through the party, however there were moments where I needed space. I felt suffocated at times being in the sea of pregnant bellies and new babies. I spent time on the couch in the corner or walking the halls when I needed a baby-free zone, but luckily it wasn't too much of the time so no one really noticed.

At the end of the party I was exhausted both mentally and physically that I came home and crashed at 8pm. A. was really sweet. He lay tucked me in bed and kissed me good night and I was able to finally have a better night sleep. I have no more baby related obligations. I can finally move on from the disappointment and begin to heal.


Friday, January 7, 2011


My niece and I have begun to bond. No this didn't happen this week, and no it is not because I may have received some good news (beta more than doubled again today...359!); I think I am just getting over the fact that as much as it devastates me that I did not provide the first grandchild, she is here and she is perfect.

Since going back to work this week, I have been swamped. Out late every night with meetings and out early in the morning for every other day blood draws so there hasn't been many opportunities for me to go over to my sisters. Friday's are my early day at work and so I went to spend some time. It was nice. I held her, kissed her and picked out her outfit for her first big party on Sunday. Two hundred of my parents, her inlaws and my sister's friends will be dropping by to meet the little one. I am not looking forward to this party, but am putting on a brave face and showing my support. A. and I assume that most people if not all people know that we are having difficulty conceiving based on the fact that we have been married for 6.5 years with no baby - so I am anticipating many pity looks. Yes, I know that I may have good news of my own to share in the near future, but until I do and even once I do, this situation will be hard for me.

I am getting better and I am proud of myself for that. I actually enjoyed myself today with her. I don't feel sad when I'm there and when I leave - if we are alone. Once other people come and see me, I feel awkward and pitied and sad. But I suspect I will feel like that for a while.


Wednesday, January 5, 2011

I'm an Urban Legend!

This morning I POAS to see a faint second line so I went in thinking things were not going to end up my way. I was wrong. Beta came back at 126! I can't believe this. My RE wants me back for a repeat beta on Friday and then hopefully I will be done this craziness and be able to relax a little.

I cannot tell you how appreciative I am for the overwhleming support and love you have shown to me on my blog, your blog and by email. THANK YOU!


Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Scared Shitless

How am I feeling? Completely terrified and in utter shock. I am still trying to process the hugeness of this, but I can't. I can't wrap my head around the fact that for once my body did what it was supposed to do. It ovulated. Do you realize how huge this is?! Then A and I miraculously had sex during the window of ovulation - luckily it happened on a weekend. And then, the sperm actually hooked up with my crappy eggs, absolutely amazing.

If this works, it will be a true miracle. Of course, I would never say its because we just relaxed. In fact, I was probably at one of my most stressful times - the birth, the MFM dr and the GC letter, GC's ODWU so I really don't think stress or less stress has anything to do with it.

A is 1000% convinced this is all going to work out. He cannot even consider the possibility that it is a short lived miracle. I am scared out of my mind for what this will do to him and his spirit if the worst should happen. He says it would be the cruelest joke on earth and he is right.

We didn't ask for this. We didn't have timed intercourse. We just had the "five minute fuck".

Don't get me wrong, I would love nothing more than to be pregnant and see my baby in nine months, but if that is not to be than why the fuck did my body need to start working now?

When we first had the positive test, I consulted with dr LisainSK and we decided I should take Endometrium (I told the nurse when she called about the beta and said that was good). I'm glad I did. I am not on any estrogen support and maybe I need to be. If the test doubles tomorrow, I will ask. I have begun spotting today and it is FREAKING me out. Yes, spotting can be normal, but nothing about this situation is normal so I don't know what to think.

So that's where I'm at. Totally freaked out. Nervous for tomorrow's beta and scared for myself and my husband.


Monday, January 3, 2011

Holy Shit

The nurse just called. My beta increased to 49.5! I have no idea how much of an increase that is, but it is over 66% and that is all I care about. My progesterone is doing great at 80 (Canadian units) not sure what that translates into. That's all I can write now, as I am in SHOCK and at work. Will update later. Thanks for all your thoughts and prayers, they totally helped.


Sunday, January 2, 2011

A Possible Miracle

Do you believe in miracles? I didn't. I don't. Miracles don't happen to people I know. At least, they didn't. Until New Year's Day.

I still hadn't seen AF so I decided to POAS, I think you can imagine my surprise when a faint + came on the screen. Holy Shit, what is happening. This can't be happening. The doctors told me I can't get pregnant or carry a pregnancy. How can this be happening? Seeing as it was a stat holiday, I went to the ER to get a blood draw. The intake worker looked at me like I was crazy, until I explained that it was near impossible for me to be pregnant and I need to know, now. She agreed. After what seemed like an eternity (two hours) I got my answer, 28. I am pregnant.

Seeing as we weren't trying, didn't know when CD1 was or how long my unmedicated cycles are, and that I have never ovulated before, we have literally no idea how into a pregnancy we are. A. and I tried to figure out when this happened. To be honest, we don't have sex a lot these days, as I am just not feeling it. Loosing the genetic connection and the pregnancy connection this year has been rough. I don't always feel like a woman or desirable and the last thing on my mind is sex. I can remember two times since the BFN.

Option 1:
Dec. 18 - I remember this because it was the night my sister went into labour and we got the call right after. If this is the night of conception, then it is over before it began. 28 would not be a strong number.

Option 2:
Dec. 25 - I remember this because we had just come back from my sister's house and we engaged in a "quickie". If this is the night of conception, then 28 can keep us in the game.

So where does this leave me? Um confused, shocked, stunned, surprised, over the moon and angry. I didn't ask for this. I don't want a pregnancy that is short lived. I hate living in this constant state of terror of analyzing pee sticks and seeing if the lines are darker than before (which they are not). I fear this does not have a positive outcome and that makes me furious. 2011 was supposed to be my year. Why the hell is it starting out like this? What did I do to deserve this pain and torture?

It is incredibly hard to give up on yourself. To say goodbye to the possibility of having a daughter that has your eyes and smile or a son with your hair and nose was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Coupled that with the knowledge that I wouldn't carry the pregnancy was at times, too much to bear. And now, finding myself in this place. I am overwhelmed.

A. and I want so badly for our miracle to be real, but I fear it is not. I am not hopeful that tomorrow's beta will rise let alone double. In our four years of trying, we have never experiencing a positive test from doing it the free way - so either way, this was a miracle. Please don't let it be over.

There is so much more to say, but for today I am putting my energy into tomorrow's test. Please let this miracle work.


On a side note - please don't mention this on IVFC as I don't want my nurse to find out yet.