Monday, May 31, 2010


Last night after I saw that faint line, I was trembling. I wanted both excitedly and anxiously by the door with the stick in my hand, for A. to get home. He. Didn't. Believe. Me. His shock was serious. He kept asking if it was too early to know. I actually went to some of your blogs to show him that 5dp5dt is the day when a line can show. I even showed him pictures of your hpts. LOL. I think it took an hour for him to fully grasp what that line meant. He was crying, I was shaking and crying and we were both completely shocked. I think I started at that beautiful second line for the next few hours. Total shock. I even slept with the stick beside my bed!

I needed continued confirmation that what I saw yesterday was true. I needed to do it again. We decided to wait until after work today as there may not have be enough of a hormone difference between last night and this morning. To say that I thought about this all day would be the understatement of the year.

I came (rushed) home from work, called A. to get the all clear (I think today he was more anxious than me) and then went up stairs. This time, the second line came instantly. It is getting darker and it is still the most beautiful thing in the world.

I can't believe that I may actually be pregnant. Could this really have worked? Do I have the thin little lining that could? My head is spinning.

Symptoms: Tiredness continues (although the excitement made it easy to get up this morning, however very sleepy at work), boobs continue to be sore, I am aware of my lower abdomen (on and off cramping/pulling), nauseous/anxious in the pit of my stomach (since the afternoon).


UPDATE: I needed to talk to my sister. I needed to know before beta day (Thursday) if she was going to be the one to give my parents their first grandchild. She is. She got pregnant on her first month of trying. She will be five weeks ahead of me. Really? Why couldn't she have waited just one more month? Why? I am obviously SO happy and excited for her, but really?

Sunday, May 30, 2010


What a fun weekend. My cousin was a true sport and went along with all the embarrassing things we made her too. I hope that laughing during the 2ww is ok, but I did a lot of that! I am a bit nervous since my massage. It was only my head and feat and it was relaxing, however the woman put the bed heater on. It was only for about 5 or so minutes before I realized and made her turn it off. I really hope that didn't mess anything up.

After the bachelorette was over, we came back to the city to watch a baseball game. All the men in my family are on a softball team and they play at least once a week. The women come out to support and we have so much fun cheering them on. It is one of my favourite parts of summer.

Tonight I am going with two friends to see Sex and the City 2. I am so excited! I love Carrie Bradshaw.

Symptoms: Tired, sore boobs (up until now, only in the mornings, however today was all day), NO cramping.

I think I am going to POAS tomorrow.


UPDATE: I couldn't wait...I POAS, and for the first time in my entire life there was a very faint second line. I am shaking and in shock. A. is out and I want to tell him in person, I made him come home. Thank you God.

Saturday, May 29, 2010


This morning I decided to catch up on some TV and I was watching the TLC show, "The Little Couple". On this episode, the couple travelled to California to look into family planning options. First, the went to a surrogacy center. I immediately tuned in more than I normal (this is something that we have to look into, but we are not there - yet). I was so disappointed and offended. The centre who apparently is very well respected, and has been in business for over thirty years made it seem as if the "real" parent was the surrogate. Basically, the surrogate chooses the couple and once she delievers looks at the parents to determine if they are "happy enough" and then gives them the baby. No. Fucking. Way. I hate this center. This didn't phase the couple in the least though. Maybe its just the huge amount of hormones I'm on. After they went to a fertility clinic to make sure everything checked out there. They were brought into a waiting romm and offered coffee. (Everyone know that any fertility clinic worth their name does NOT allow their patients to drink coffee, let alone serve it.). Basically, her baseline ultrasound showed 4 antral follicles. They then showed a preview of the upcoming season premiere and said they have an announcement - big guess they are pregant!

Today for the bachelorette we are going to a spa. I'm getting a head and neck massage (I cleared it with my nurse), I'm so excited. Tonight we are going for dinner and drinks, hopefully there will be some kinky games and embarassing moments (I'm crazy like that).


Symptoms: very tired, I couldn't get out of bed (probably the Endometriun?), the cramping continues but has moved to cover the entire lower abdomen.

Question: when do start POASing? Should I pee or dip?


Friday, May 28, 2010


Back to work. UGH! I felt like I had never left, however my students missed me immensely. Well not me, but the fact that exams are coming up and we still have finished the curriculum caused them some stress. Still it was nice to be missed.

Tonight starts a weekend bachelorette for my cousin's wedding. My sister and I are going up a day early as the event is taking place at our parent's cottage (more like a chalet actually). It will be nice to spend some time with her, it hasn't been the same since her news of starting to try... but for today I am PUPO so not going to let that or the pregnant bridesmaid get me down.

Symptoms: cramping is continuing in the lower left side, but definitely lessoning as the days go on. Tired, especially after a full day of work. Moody.


Thursday, May 27, 2010


A. and I are one different flights...ugh. I tried everything to change that, but to no avail. He left on a 10:00 am flight with both our luggage (my suitcase is over ten pounds for sure). I dropped him off the airport and then returned to the hotel, for a few hours. I managed to finish marking my students' essays, yay and now can relax for a bit. I am contemplating getting a manicure before heading to the airport, but we will see.

As I walked out of my hotel room for the last time, I took a glance around to remember Denver. I am hoping to not return here for a long long time (wink wink). Overal, my experience has been wonderful and I am so thankful for the support I was shown both with my real life family and all of you- my Internet family. I don't think I would have survived the last few months without all of you. I know I still have a long way to go, but I am hopeful that I am on the right track. If that lining will hold up, I am confident that success is around the corner, I just don't know how much the lining influences things.

Symptoms: cramping in the lower abdomen is continuing, tiredness (could be from too much rest while on bedrest or being uncomfortable and unable to get a good night sleep).


Wednesday, May 26, 2010


Day 1- bedrest. A. and I spent the day watching movies and TV. Tonight we will order in dinner from the Cheesecake Factory, yum. Tomorrow morning we leave Denver hoping to not return for a very very long time. :)

Symptoms: cramping, pulling in lower abdomen (maybe near uterus?).


Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Transfer Day!!!

Part 1:

I can't believe today is finally here. I think I slept better last night although I am still pretty anxious, nervous and excited. I got the call from the embryology lab around 8:30 am asking what my plan for thaw was. I said that I wanted to transfer two embryos and they were going to choose the best ones. They also said that if one doesn't thaw, they will keep thawing until we have two embryos. (I don't remember this part of the conversation from my last transfer - maybe because I only three and we thawed them all).

A. and I went for breakfast this morning. I needed to get out of the hotel and get my head in the game. We went to the Original Pancake House in Greenwood. We both had normal breakfasts. I made sure to have eggs though.

A. wrote this email to me the day he gave his sample:

I had a big healthy American Breakfast (with a theme)

Eggs - for the egg donor
Sausage - cuz I want our kid to like pork products (when they're old enough to make their own decision)*
Home Fried Potatos - cuz potatos are from the ground and I want our kid to be down to earth
Cinnamon Toast Crunch Cereal - cuz I want our kid to be sweet
Cranberry Juice - cuz It's good for the bladder...geesh, can't I be a little selfish?

*I keep kosher which means I do not eat pork products and our child/ren will also not eat this, but A. LOVES all things pork!

Isn't he the sweetest?!

We then headed back to the hotel where I needed to get me some pineapple. Yes, I have turn into a lunatic. The hotel has been amazing. The woman at the front desk, didn't even flinch when I asked for some core, instead she gave me an entire pineapple to take back to the room! A. cut it up for me and I will snack on it throughout the next two days.

Part 2:

We arrived at the clinic at 12:30 pm. I needed to have blood drawn and also to sign (or resign) some consent forms. Afterwards they brought A. and I upstairs. I was a given a 'suite' at the end of the hall where I undressed, put on my transfer socks and got on the bed. I was given a heated blanket, but I wasn't cold (must be the huge amounts of estrogen in my body).

The first nurse came in to check my vitals. My blood pressure was high (145/95), but this normal for me. I have white coat syndrome and my pressure literally skyrockets when I'm in a doctor's office. The nurse seemed ok with my explanation.

Then I had the first round of acupuncture. The points are to help with implantation so I felt good about doing it. The points in the ears hurt a it, but the rest wasn't so bad. I manged to calm myself down...enough.

The embryologist was the next hurdle to pass. We had two day 5 4AA blasts that were thawed. One was 100% and the other at 98% and both were re expanding. Yay! Also, one of them was starting to hatch, so that was so cool to see.

Here are my embryos, don't you think they are the most perfect ones in the world? (I can say this without being conceded as I had no part in creating them!)

I had then had around forty five minutes to fill my bladder and pump myself up. I brought my iPod and listened to the Glee version of "Don't Stop Believing". It worked for the first time, I was ready for this transfer. I was calmer than I had ever been.

The doctor came in and we were ready to go. It was a smooth transfer thankfully. I barely felt anything (I think the Valium had something to do with it). They gave me my first pregnant ultrasound picture as well, so that is going to be my inspiration for the next nine days.

After the transfer, I was a given a bedpan (oooooo, gross) and then had another round of acupuncture. This time I listened to my hypnosis session.

When it was time to leave, I felt great about things. I hope this high lasts for nine months!

Thanks for all your wishes, I could really feel your thoughts.

Monday, May 24, 2010

Last Day of Innocence Continued

I emailed my nurse this morning and it's official...she thinks I'm nuts. I wanted to double check two things I heard.

Myth 1: Sex helps with implantation.
It is totally safe to have sex the day before transfer, however if it helps, still remains unknown. (I'm planning on covering my basis though ;))

Myth 2: Pineapple helps with implantation.
She had never heard this one. I like pineapple and have some at the hotel, so may just eat some anyway.


A. and I had another good day in the lovely city of Denver. At 8:30 am I begged him to get up so that we could start the day. I was so anxious and just needed to get out. We had a quick breakfast of cereal in the hotel and then headed downtown. The winds were crazy today, literally 40 miles/hour. It was nuts. We had a nice lunch at Rock Bottom. We then decided that due to the rain, we would skip walking the downtown core (its not like we haven't seen it before) and go to a movie. We both wanted to see Iron Man 2 so this was like a good idea. Did you know that across from the movie theatre (United Artists) there is a nail boutique? I found it last summer with my mom and went in again today. I had the most relaxing pedicure, they even scrubbed my legs with lemons and a hot stone! Of course, I painted my toes red. The movie was a good distraction and we both enjoyed it. After, we decided to get some takeout from PF Changs so that we would be home to watch the 24 finale. OMG, it was so awesome.

Do you remember this post? It happened again. This time inside PF Changs. Maybe it's me and I don't know how to lock the door properly. I am just literally thanking God that I wasn't inserting one of medications at the time, LOL!

The medications are driving me into a hormonal sunburned mess. (FYI- tetracyline makes you more sensitive to the sun and your regular sunscreen may not be enough, too bad I found this out the hard way) I have been very edgy and emotional and I think its the anticipation. A. has been a great support, but I think my moods are getting to him. I know he is nervous/excited too, but I think I am too high maintenance right now and am hogging all the attention. Sorry A.


Transfer is tomorrow at 2:30 pm. Thank you all for you well wishes, they are so appreciated!

Last Day of Innocence

It's 4:20 am, and I can't sleep...anymore. My mind is racing and it feels like it is going at one thousand miles per minute. I am exhausted, but can't close my eyes. Today is my last day of innocence. Tomorrow I will meet my embryos for the first time. It is weird to say meet them, because usually you feel a connection to them as half of the equation is yours, but here, I am a stranger to them. Once we started cycling, it was all so easy (I am not referring to any role I had to play here). Each day, the follicles were growing appropriately, there was a retrieval where we got a huge amount of eggs (my first time ever) and those eggs matured and became full blastocysts (first time ever). Things on that end could not have gone better. It was the first time in my IVF history that I wasn't sitting by the phone waiting for the embryology report. Ok, maybe a little, but there wasn't stress involved, more like anticipation for how many do we have?

It was out of my hands. I wasn't involved so I knew that that part would be perfect. Today is that last day that I can truly relax for a while. Tomorrow I have big decisions to make. I need to choose which embryos to transfer first. I am so torn. Yes, we have fifteen embryos, but seeing as I have never been in this position (or any position involving blasts) I am struggling to understand the importance of grading. If you asked me the grading on 2pn embryos-I'm an expert :(.

On the one hand, I want to give myself my best shot. I am hoping this is it. As much as Denver is a nice city, I am ready to not come for a while. We figured it out that in the past twelve months, A. and I would have spent a total of five weeks in Denver. That's a lot of mountain time. So, I want to use my two best embryos, but I am scared.

What if it doesn't work? What if this lining is the best I am going to get and plan B yields worse results? What if I need a GC and I have no more good embryos and so that doesn't work either?

It's the what if's that could literally drive a person insane.

I am thinking that I need to put the decision in someone else's hands. I am going to go with the instinct of the embryologist and transfer what he/she is best. I'm going to explain my fears so they understand my big picture plan, but the decision will be theirs. This way, at least I can't second guess myself.

Tomorrow, will be exciting and nerve wracking as well. I'm excited that I am finally getting to transfer. I feel like it is a big milestone that I am passing. I have done and now it is out of my hands. That terrifies me. With regards to my IF, I am a control freak. I take doctor's orders literally. I do the required bed rest and then some and I really try to take it easy during the dreaded wait, but it is so hard.

Today is the last day that I don't have to analyze Progesterone symptoms (although my boobs are already sore-please remind of this later). It's the last time that I can live in innocence that this cycle may work without having firm statistics to dwell on. It's the last time I may feel confident about my ability to get pregnant.

That scares the hell out of me.


Sunday, May 23, 2010

Transfer is Set

A. is my hero...he fixed my iPod!!!!


My day started off early as usual. I was up at 5:45am...again. I lounged around until it was time to finally get up and start the day. I went to Target. Cassie told me about a great idea, she bought a shelf extender from Target and used it as a laptop table during her bed rest. Ingenious! The thing costs $6 and it fits over my belly. It is the perfect height as well. Thanks Cassie!

Then it was off to the airport to get A. I didn't realize how excited I was to see him, until he was sitting beside me in the car. I had kept myself busy over the last few days, that I didn't have time to feel lonely. We decided that we were both hungry and going to start the day off right, with breakfast. I had googled this restaurant and wanted to try it. O.M.G. It was awesome! I had a normal breakfast (eggs, potatoes, toast) and A. had this

Let me just say, peanut butter and banana pancakes with chocolate sauce, whipped cream and pecans (as Rachael Ray would say, YUM-O!) The restaurant was located in the Cherry Creek North area so after breakfast, we spent a few hours walking up and down the streets. In my four times to Denver, I had never spent time in this area, and it was so nice.

While we browsing in a store, I got the call. My transfer is officially booked for Tuesday. I was given my instructions: arrive at 12:45 for blood draw, then acupuncture and the transfer will be around 2:30pm. It is so real now. This is really happening. I almost can't believe it. I told A. and he just gave me a kiss, it was a special moment for us, one that I don't think either of us thought we would have anytime soon. I'm glad we were wrong.

We went back to the hotel as A. was pretty tired from the early morning flight. When I brought him to the room, he saw the two queen beds (I don't like to share when I'm on bed rest) and immediately made me switch. I had picked one because it was closer to the desk and the phone, but he made me switch to be closer to the bathroom LOL, he is so cute. A. has always been a great support during bed rest, however I haven't really seen him this concerned before. He also wanted me to make sure that the hotel had a wheelchair as the room is quite far from the elevator. He makes me smile.

Tonight, I want to check out another area that I haven't been, Greenwood. I don't know much about it, but I hear it has a good vibe, with shops, restaurants, a comedy club and a movie theatre that serves alcohol while you watch (not that I will be partaking).



Since TTC over four years ago (I forgot that an anniversary had passed a few month ago :( ), I have become somewhat superstitious. I know, I know, but I have. I think it gives me hope to cling on to something and believe that along with the medical intervention, wearing a necklace made of special stones, or having red toe nail polish helps. I put my personalized hypnosis CD on my iPod (let's be honest, A. did as I so not tech savvy- it's a miracle I can upload images to the blog) and I have been listening to it every night for over two months. Last night, this appeared on the iPod screen (I should mention that it wasn't connected to a dock or my computer):

HELP. Does anyone know what this means or how to fix it? I need this CD to get me through the next couple of days and especially the 2ww.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Doing my Part

That's right, I'm helping out the American economy. :) I spent a few hours at the Outlets at Castle Rock today. I love it there. In Canada, we have outlets, but not like in the States. The closest good outlet mall is the Prime Outlets in Niagara Falls, which is about two hours away, so I don't get there that often.

As I mentioned yesterday, I haven't shopped for clothes for myself in a long time. That strategy hasn't helped thus far, so I decided to throw caution to the wind and do some damage. I bought a few great summer tops, special socks for Tuesday and this bag. I loved the bag so much, that I bought my mother and sister one as well, only theirs is black.

When I returned to the hotel for a much needed nap I was met with flashing lights and the most annoying alarm in the world. Yep, the fire alarm was going. I ended up walking out of the hotel with another guest. Have you heard the expression gaydar? Well I have infertilitydar. The woman started to make small talk with me, so I took the opportunity to ask what she was doing in Denver, she said she was a Sky Ridge patient, my reply was that I go to the doctors across the street. She then fessed up.

We spent close to an hour chatting about our experiences with CCRM. Like me, she has been around the infertility block. Her problem, is not getting pregnant, but rather her fetuses have been deformed. So awful. It was really nice having an opportunity to have a face to face with someone who gets it. And not just gets it, but knows the same people and doctor's as I do. It was pretty cool.

The fire alarm was caused by the elevator. The fire department said it was safe to return to our rooms, but it the alarm may continue to trigger. Let me tell that on Tuesday and Wednesday, I am not getting out of bed for a fire alarm so the situation better be fixed!

As for tonight, I don't have any exciting plans, I'm pretty tired and tomorrow A. is coming bright and early and I want to be rested so that we can enjoy the next two days as a much needed vacation.


Friday, May 21, 2010

Me Time

Today was another all about me day. It started off rather early with a trip to the doctor's office. I had to get my progesterone level checked (its at 13.4 and they want it over so that is good) and I also had to get my estrogen injection. I get injected twice a week on Mondays and Thursday, but last night, the syringe leaked and there wasn't enough to give the shot. I placed a panicked call to the nurse, who told me that she would do it first thing in the morning and not to worry about the few hour delay. Phew. I have been on injectable hormones for three years. Never once have I given myself a shot. I am trypanophobic (petrified of needles). A. or my dad gives me all my injections. I still get nervous before the needle pricks my skin, but I no longer cry out of fear (progress).

After the doctor's office, I returned to the hotel and did some school work for a few hours. I had to email my principal and explain that I would be missing three days of work and then I needed to prepare the lesson plans for while I'm away. This is not a good time to be absent from school as there are only two more teaching weeks before exams and the students really need to benefit from instruction, but what can I do. I was certainly not going to cancel the transfer based on school.

Later, I ventured out to the Park Meadows Mall where I mostly browsed the stores, however I did manage to pick up a great pair of jeans and a tank top at Anthropologie (on sale). I LOVE shopping, but haven't done much of it in the past three years as I am always thinking about when my body grows from pregnancy. I am going to try and live in the moment. The clothes will fit now, and that's all that matters.

After some shopping, I hit the salon. I highlight my hair and usually I plan to get it done right before a transfer. I am pretty attached to my hairdresser, but wasn't really convinced that I would be transferring so I didn't have a chance to go before I got to Denver. My nurse told me that I was not allowed to get it done after the transfer so she recommended a salon near by and it was awesome (I saw Alex).

And now, I am back at the hotel, relaxing and trying to figure out how to download The Young and the Restless* as it has been three days since I've seen an episode and don't think I can wait until I get home to watch from the PVR (Canadian version of DVR).


* I started watching The Young and the Restless when I was a small child. I have never missed an episode.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

The Outcome

I was really nervous going into today's regroup with the doctor. I didn't know what to expect and I really hoped he had some answers for me.

He told me that I do indeed have lining issues. He said that he has now seen me in three different cycles on three different med protocols and my results have been similar (give or take 0.5 mm), and because of this, he feels that this is the best I can do. He went on to tell me that the standard is 8 mm, but he does transfer over 6 mm. He thinks I will have a 15% decline in success from what he originally quoted me. So about 65%.

I asked about using a different protocol, and he told me that I am on the "big gun" protocol and it is the right one for me. Since my body doesn't produce enough Estrogen, a natural FET is not an option. Also adding stim meds or other forms of estrogen would not work. I also asked if I should repeat my hysteroscopy or have other tests run. He said that it wasn't necessary. I had to ask. I then brought up the idea of an endometrial biopsy. He told me that to date, it is not used for people in my situation with thin linings, but it may work.

So here is my plan:
A. FET 1 is now scheduled for Tuesday! He seems very confident that my lining can support implantation and a pregnancy.

B. FET 2 will begin as soon as AF arrives, we will continue on the same med protocol and add the biopsy.

C. FET 3 with a gestational carrier.

It is really hard to wrap my head around the fact that my body has failed me in two different ways. How is it that one person can have both egg issues and lining issues? It just doesn't seem fair.

So for now I am going to do everything to get my head around the upcoming transfer. I really need to hear some real stories of successful transfers with less than a 7 mm lining. The one thing the doctor told me was not to stress over the things I can't change. I can't change my lining. It is what it is. I just have to hope that I have enough pluses on my side to make this really work.


After the doctor appointment, we spent the day downtown. It was a gorgeous day in Denver, and we walked the city, ate lunch outside and even managed to do a little shopping in Barnes and Nobles (three guess for what I bought!).

I am going to take my new book with me to the doctor's office. My plan is to use it like an autograph book where every individual who played a role in getting me pregnant has a place to initial, write a message or sign their name. It will be a keep sake that I will treasure always (cue the corny music now).


Thoughts Before the BIG Appointment

Today is the day. The day where all my questions get answered...hopefully. I always go into these meetings very prepared. I sat last night a typed out a list of twenty questions, all relating to my specific situation, protocol, statistics, what we would do differently, etc. I have a magic number for success, if I achieve this, I think I feel ok to transfer. I guess I am feeling scared that this may be the best lining I am going to get.

I have been researching on Dr Google and there are a lot of differing opinions out there in terms of what makes an ideal lining. The general response is at least 8 mm with a triple stripe pattern. However, there were many doctors that stated (and yesterday's sonographer and my nurse agreed) that thinner linings (above 6 mm) with the triple pattern and good flow is better than a thicker lining without those other things. I.Just.Don't.Know.

What was reassuring and I didn't write in yesterday's post, is that sonographer reinstated my faith in my local clinic. She said that they are competent and measuring correctly, however in the future (if there are future monitoring appointments) to have them fax the picture along so that they can see for themselves as well. I am not sure how this translates to different monitoring levels, but I'm going with the flow on this one, as they are the experts.

I feel like my lining drama is overtaking any thoughts I may have about any other topics...sorry. I really don't want to do anything that will screw with my best chance to date.


Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Denver Day 1

Yesterday seems like a blur. I still can’t wrap my head around the events, but here I am, sitting on a plane. My alarm was set for 5:25 am , but of course, I was already awake. I quickly jumped out of bed, got ready and my father was at my door at 5:50 am. Once at the airport, we had to go through US Customs before we boarded the flight. I had an unusual conversation with the agent (CA):

CA: Are you two related?
Me: Yes, he is my father.
CA: What is the purpose of your trip?
Me: Medical
CA: What’s wrong with you?
Me: I can’t have a baby.
CA: Is this what I am to expect with Obama’s new health reform?
Me: This is where my doctor is.
CA: Are there no doctors in Canada? Do you not want to wait to see one?
Me: Been there and done that…four times.

The conversation goes on further where we explain the process of IVF to him! After we got through with Customs, I went to the security check. I wasn’t even questions. I had all my meds and injections with syringes. Figures.

I don’t have to tell you how nervous I was as we approached the familiar office. I knew the drill, go over to the reception desk, fill out a paper, hand it to the receptionist and wait. I remember a year ago when I was new to this clinic and how out of place I felt…that seems like forever ago.

Back to the story…

As I wait for the ultrasonagrapher to come scan me, I feel like my heart is literally jumping out of my skin. Luckily, she didn’t take too long and she explained everything she was doing at the time (unlike my local clinic who tells you nothing). So, I learned that my ovaries are good, I have good blood flow (thank you acupuncture and Viagra) and my lining measured at 6.5 mm with no fluid. As of today, I am still on my plan to transfer, but it will really come down to what the doctor has to say tomorrow. I am having a thirty minute discussion with him tomorrow to go over all possible scenarios. I’m not sure how I feel about all this. I’m still confused and not quite sure what I believe, but I am trying to remain hopeful.

After the clinic, my dad and I went for an afternoon adventure. We went to the Denver Museum of Nature and History and saw the “Body Works” exhibit. It was awesome. It’s on until the middle of July so if you are in the area, check it out.

I’m exhausted both mentally and physically so I am going to take a nap.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010


Today was literally the most stressful, emotional and fucked day of my life. When I left my doctor’s office this morning after the ultrasound, I was uncontrollable. Screaming, crying, basically hysterical. I couldn’t speak clearly, I honestly don’t know how I drove home. My father (who is a GP) was in the area of the clinic and went in to speak with the doctor.

What I gather from that conversation is that when there is fluid in your uterus, it is usually a sign that your lining is compacting. Based on yesterday’s ultrasound report, she would have cancelled me right then and there.

Once I heard this, I immediately realized I had no chance. I emailed my nurse and said that I know I am cancelled, but I want to the dr before the weekend.

4.5 very long and sad hours passed.

I then got an email from the nurse.
“R. I spoke with the dr and he reviewed your ultrasound. He can not tell you 100% for sure what your lining is measuring, but he can tell you it is better than what your clininc there is telling you”. WHAT?

1.5 very long, confused and anxious hours passed.

I fianally got hold of the nurse. The doctor and head ultrasonographer both agree that there is NO fluid in my lining (according to the scans I emailed). So, as of now, my lining is measuring between 7.8 mm – 8 mm. WHAT? I also asked her about the significance of fluid and was told that fluid in the uterus is not usally problematic and when you take progesterone, it flushes it out.

I am going to Denver tomorrow morning and have an ultrasound scheduled for 11:30am. As of now, I am still on track for a transfer (earliest would be Monday). At this point, I am very skeptical and not sure who I believe or what is happening. I also have an appointment with the doctor on Thursday morning, but am hoping to speak with him tomorrow instead.

That’s my story for day, it is pretty unbelievable and I am still in shock. I just don’t know what/who to believe. This was an exhausting day.



That's right. The stupid, incompetent, fucking moron (insert any other totally hurtful and insane vocabulary)screwed up yesterday. It was starting to compact and she didn't fucking right it down. Today it was at 5.2mm. I am just done.


Monday, May 17, 2010


Remember how good things come in three? Let's recap:

1. I found great shoes for my cousin's wedding.
2. I won the floral arrangement at a bridal shower.
3. I sunk a basketball.

I do not think it was in the cards that my lining would be number three. I went this morning CD28 for another lining check. I'll admit, that I had let me guard down a lot and was feeling pretty good going in today. I felt reassured by my nurse that I am a slow and steady kind of gal and this protocol would get me to where I need to be. Yes, it was on my mind over the weekend, but honestly, I was not obsessing about it. I guess I should have.

My lining remained at 7mm. It may have increased to 7.1mm, but that is debatable at this point. I had a tech that is not one of the 'regulars' do my scan today. It was much faster than my previous other scans (not that I am complaining) and when she was finished, the write up was different. I again had some free fluid in my uterus (again, I am not too concerned because last time the nurse told this was normal), but she recorded the measurements differently. Instead of one endometrial measurement, such as 7mm, I was given to two. An interiar 3.5 mm and posterior (3.6 mm). Neither me nor my local nurse had ever seen measurements like this before. Even at the beginning of last week when I had some fluid, I still did not have it written this way.

I am no expert, but is it possible her findings are wrong? Is it possible that she miss-scanned me and my lining is actually a different measurement?

I guess this is what I am waiting the doctor to tell me today. I will update when I know more.


UPDATE: I finally heard from the nurse around 5:30pm my time. She had never seen an ultrasound report like mine before. (No kidding!) She showed it to the ultrasound lab and they had never one like that before either. Hum. Not.Feeling.So.Positive.

Basically, the bottom line is that I am going to get re-scanned tomorrow. We are hoping that my lining has not compacted (they usually write this on the report if it is the case, need I say more) and that everything will be fine. I am off work for a week starting on Wednesday, so I may just go there and have them take over. So, for now, I keep going. I am trying really hard to keep up my positive momentum, but I am so angry that I didn't insist on getting re-scanned this morning. UGH!

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Grey Skies are Going to Clear Up...

...If you put on a happy face.

This is what I am doing. I think it is working. I went to a bridal shower for the sister of the cousin who announced her pregnancy yesterday. It was fine. I didn't feel anything. She isn't really showing and her 2 year old daughter was there to. Again, no emotions. Yay, for the little steps of progress.

At the shower I won the prize, the floral arrangement on the table.

As my father told me, good things come in threes. 1. Shoes 2. Flowers 3. Thick lining?


I was catching up on some blogs early this morning (because I don't sleep anymore) and found this hypothetical story. I hope it brings a smile to your face, like it did mine.

What if the tables were turned?
16 MAY 2010
Posted by silverdollar

Have you ever stopped to think how many babies would be conceived through assisted reproduction, if the tables were turned and it were primarily up to the male half of the partnership to deal with most of the medical appointments and the poking and prodding? It got me thinking about this when DH watched my exam with the RE and was horrified by the “duck bill” thing he put inside of me. As a woman, speculum exams are just, yawn, a yearly experience like getting your teeth cleaned or your eyes examined.

Imagine for a minute if men had to go for all of the fertility tests we women endure (whether it’s male or female factor infertility)? Take the case of Peter and his wife Brenda. They decide to start trying for a baby. He wants to maximize his conception chances and do everything possible to create a healthy environment to carry a baby. He begins eating healthier, drops a few pounds and even gives up his morning coffee and glass of wine with dinner. He starts taking his his morning temperature and monitoring his penile mucus for signs of peak fertility and to make sure he is releasing a sperm each month. After several months of trying he is getting discouraged. He asks his wife and she hadn’t given much thought to how long it had been but told him if he wanted to get checked he should make an appointment for himself.

He goes in to see his family doctor, a woman, of course. She asks a few questions and tells him he’s young and on the right track. She tells him that he should just relax and everything would be fine, he was just being a typical male and over thinking this. His wife agreed with the Dr.

On they go having regular intercourse and Peter starts getting really worried that daddyhood was not coming easily. All of his buddies on his soccer team seem to make babies without much thought or effort. He makes another appointment with his GP. This time the GP tells him that she could order some blood work just to put his mind at ease. The blood work comes back absolutely normal and it is obvious that his testosterone levels and spermulation cycles are happening as they should. She tells him he really has to stop being such a worry wart, but refers him to her specialist friend to get him off her case. The specialist, Dr. Feel-Me-Up is another female doctor, who tells him that there will be a long lists of tests to work through to determine the cause of his infertility. The first is a test where they will insert a tube into his penis and inject dye, then look with a special x-ray to see if the dye flows through his tubes. The doctor says the test won’t be painful. Peter shows up at the hospital for his dye-in-penis-tube test. His wife watches as he winces in pain as the tube is inserted. “Everything looks normal here” the doctor announces -you should have no trouble getting pregnant Peter. Now go home and have lots of sex because after washing out your tubes you’ll have a better chance. Sex? Peter just wants to go home and lie down on the couch and watch a football game.

Another few months go by and he’s getting more and more concerned that there might be something wrong. Finally a test is ordered for his wife. The test involved bringing her to climax and collecting her fluids in a cup. Peter comes home from work to assist with the collection. She makes a big deal of this test. Peter thinks of all the things he’s gone through, but shuts his trap because if Brenda doesn’t orgasm the test will be ruined. They go into the doctor to find out the results of the female-fluid-after-orgasm test. All normal again she’s got lots of eggs ready to find his lonely sperm. The doctor suggests a vacation, and having Peter prop his hips on a pillow after sex. They book a holiday, but somewhere cold because lying in the sun isn’t healthy for his sperm.

Next comes Clomid. Peter wonders why they would give him hormones to make him have regular spermulation cycles when all of his blood work is normal, but is getting desperate now and will try anything. He takes the little pills and turns into a raving lunatic. The doctor also wrote a prescription for daily sex and handed it to his wife, because Peter was so out of it. Peter and Brenda do the deed every day for 3 months. Peter’s blood work shows a good testosterone surge and the release of the sperm. Every month Peter pees on sticks and is disappointed with the results.

They go back to the Dr. again. Peter is scheduled for surgery to see what is the matter with his insides. Brenda looks on and tries to help Peter to process this but is at a loss for what to say. Peter is willing to do anything to carry a baby in his tummy. He endures the surgeries and with still nothing really wrong with him, keeps hoping that they’ll get lucky this month. They don’t.

They consult a fertility doctor, Dr. Pro-Creation at a clinic called Embryos-R-Us. They try a few rounds of a treatment where Brenda brings herself to orgasm and collects the fluid in a cup. The fluid is then inserted into Peter’s penis using a tube (ugghh another tube). They hope that they time it right and Brenda’s eggs reach Peter’s sperm. There are many trans-penile ultrasounds with a special wand that can reach high up inside. After several tries, they are still without a child. Peter has to start giving himself needles to try to boost his sperm production. He takes more crazy hormones, and it is a wonder that Brenda stays married to him. They have a procedure where they put a needle inside of his penis, withdraw the sperm, and combine them with Brenda’s orgasm fluid to try to create an embryo. The embryos then are put back through Peter’s penis through yet another tube. This time their chance of success is 50/50. They borrow money from the bank and family members to take the chance.

Fortunately they do have success eventually and Peter proudly sports a baby bump. His soccer buddies all tease that his wife must have knocked him up just by looking at him -”yeah, something like that” he twerps back meanwhile thinking of all of the people who had to “look” at him in order to get him pregnant. He wished that more men talked openly about how hard it was for some guys.

When it comes time for the baby to be born, Peter hopes for a drug-free penile delivery. He knows that it will be painful, but after everything he’s been through it should be nothing to push a baby out of such a small opening. Dr. Feel-Me-Up talked him through the delivery. Brenda was working out of town, but arrived at the delivery room just in time to see the head crowning and their baby boy being delivered. Peter tears up as he thinks of how over the course of a few years his penis went from a sexy organ for love making, to portal to his insides, and now a delivery path for his son. When his son is only a few months old, someone asks him if they’ll have another child. He thinks back on everything he went through and replies “for sure!”.

Amazing how far fetched this tale sounds when you reverse the genders!


Saturday, May 15, 2010

Things are Looking Up

I decided this morning (at 6am when I got up to insert my first dose of meds for the day) that I was going to be more positive. I am not going to obsess over the details that are out of my control. My lining is going to thicken or not, whether I'm optimistic or pessimistic, so I'm going to try and relax. Now that my nurse has told me that as long as I don't compact (which she doesn't expect to happen) I will get to transfer, I'm in a much better place.

I'll prove it. This morning my mom told me one of my cousins is pregnant (4th announcement this week, but whose counting?). I managed to say a quick "that's nice" and then continued on with our conversation. I'm upset, but I didn't cry. I didn't feel anything really. This cousin is two years younger and she has now lapped me. Oh well. At the end of the day, we are not extrememly close so I'm not going to let it get me down.

I am already feeling the rewards of my new attitude. I have been shoe shopping for months trying to find a pair to wear to my cousin's wedding. The requirements are nude and in my size (5). Having small feet is a curse. It is almost impossible to find specific shoes. Today, I stumbled upon a store that I never frequent, they had the colour, the exact style I wanted and best of all, my size. They are not the most comfortable, but the price was right and after the isle, I will put on some cute flats.

Hopefully this will be a trend of good things to come.


Friday, May 14, 2010


I couldn't slept last night. My stomach was knots and this morning when my alarm went off (at 6:00), I was already awake. All the way to the doctor's office, I was chanting affirmations to myself. There were a lot of patients this morning, so the wait for an ultrasound took forever (in reality probably 20 min). I had a tech that I haven't seen in a while, and when she reminded me of this, I realized yet again, how long I have been at this. She was really nice and supportive. She new my anxieties and walked me through the ultrasound. She showed me on the screen the triple pattern and explained that it looks like a sandwich. She also showed me each time she measured the lining.

Today it measured at 7mm. I am not sure what this means. I am happy that it is has increased, but am not sure if it is enough to warrant a transfer. Yes, people get pregnant with linings of 6 and 7, but is it with good odds? I am sick of being in the 50% or lower, I went to donor eggs to up my chances, do I really want to risk it with a sub-par lining?

I sent my nurse an email asking her (or preferably a doctor) to call me BEFORE they make any decisions. I have some thoughts that I need to go over with them.

- I'm thinking of transferring with a 7mm. The way I see it, I think I need to two transfers before moving to a surrogate. Obviously, I hope and pray it will work, but if it doesn't, I feel that in the time I would wait for the next transfer, I could have done two transfers.

- If they schedule my transfer for next Monday (or Tuesday), that would give me 3 or 4 more days on this protocol, that is what I need to get up to 7.5mm, which I would feel very comfortable with.

- If they let me proceed with this protocol for another 4 days, I am confident that I could get to 7.5mm.

- I need to know the statistics of my chances with a lining of 7mm and one of 7.5mm and one of 8mm.

So this is my plan for now. I always say that there is no point in making plans, because in the end you have no control over them, but I am going to hope that I at least get consulted before any decisions are made. I will update as soon as I have news. Thank you all for your thoughtful comments and support. It has been so appreciated!


Update: I just got off the phone with my nurse. I literally have been waiting by the phone for hours. I even took it to the bathroom with me! I was so nervous that my stomach has been in knots all day. I have been unable to eat or focus on anything. Anyway, she said that they are encouraged that it continue to thicken and that this protocol is working for me. They are going to recheck me on Monday. She said that unless my lining compacts (which is unlikely) I will get to transfer at some point. It is encouraging news. She also told me that your stats only go down drastically if you transfer under 6 mm.
7 mm is not ideal, but it is acceptable. So the limbo game continues...

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Nervous Nelly

Even though my lining issue, isn't in my head, I feel like I am going crazy! The wait for tomorrow seems like forever. On the one hand, I need it to be here already, but on the other, I am petrified and what may happen. My stomach is literally doing summersaults.


Wednesday, May 12, 2010

A Place for Me

Yesterday was a rough day for me. I don't have to tell you that, you could read it my words and hear it my tone. I am still completely shattered that in terms of my fertility nothing is going my way. Yes, I have an amazing husband who loves me, and a very very supportive family, and a house, and my health (not withstanding my infertility); but that does not take away the constant saddness that IF has brought to my life.

Infertiltiy has striped me of so many things. My privacy, my happiness and my relationships with friends. I tend to pull away and protect myself to the extent of secluding myself. In terms of fertility, I am young. So young, that my entire circle fo friends is in their child-bearing years, and yes, I am bitter about that. Currently, A. and I have five really close friends that are expecting. That is a lot, and it is very difficult for me. Every get together with friends revolves around pregnancy symptoms and babies. Gone are the days where we discussed our latest vacation, work or even mindless dribble. I miss those days. Unless you have walked in my shoes, you can not imagine how I feel. It is not your place to judge me, just support me. Or don't. Just be respectful.

I am not comparing my stuggles to get pregnant with cancer or any other horrible illness or fate, but let's put some things in perspective. Infertilty sucks. Not being able to be genetically linked to your child sucks. Having your entire circle of friends experience your biggest dream while you enviously watch from the sidelines sucks.

I first started this blog to have an outlet. We all deal with grief, stress and emotion differently. We, in the blogsphere, need to support eachother not put eachother down. It is not easy to admit your faults, or let your vulnerable side show, or even share your deepest fears; but that is what I am doing and anyone who doesn't like it can go read someone else's blog!

I am not going to stop writing, thinking or feeling because someone doesn't share my opinions. That is what I need for my sanity. I am not going to apologize for expressing myself.

To those of you who respond and comment with thoughtfullness, perspective and advice, THANK YOU. Your comments mean more to me than you can know, it truly does lift me up and helps me continue to fight for my goal.


Tuesday, May 11, 2010


I can't think of a title for this post. It was supposed to be a post about my lining. An uplifting post because it increased to 6.5 and so I am able to stay on the same protocol and continue building it and get rechecked on Friday. I am not out of the woods yet, but hopefully on an upward tilt. Friday will be D-Day though, its my last chance. I am worried, but I am going to try and focus my energy on getting acupuncture treatments and staying calm. (How long do you think that will last?)

I thought about writing about todays, "The Doctor" show where my doctor was a guest. I'll admit was a kick seeing him on TV, but I thought the segment as a whole was too happy. Just my opinion though.

I wanted to write about my session with SJ and how she said, I was looking a lot calmer than she was anticipating. How I attribute this to my hypnosis cd that I listen to every night while falling asleep. How when she asked me if I had any more pregnancy announcements I had none. I left her office, feeling pretty good.

So good in fact, that I spoke with A. and we came up with a straetgy plan for what I need emotionally if things should fall apart.

I just didn't realize that things would fall apart so quickly.

In the car on my way home from SJ, I got a message from a friend asking me to call her. You know where I am going with this. Pregnancy announcement #1. She was extremely sensitive and I wished her well, hung up the phone and cried myself home. A. saw my hysterical state, and thought it would be better for me to be upset once, then on multiple days so you guessed it, pregnancy announcement #2. This is from a couple who is now expecting their third. When this couple told us about their second child, it was after we had been "out" about our infertility, when I was still able to joke. I think I even made a comment about the rule that no one gets seconds before everyone has firsts. Needless to say, more hysterical crying and no joking. The kicker came about 5 minutes later, with pregnancy announcemnt #3. I think my exact words were, "just kill me now". This couple has stuggled for a long time to conceive. She has Lupus and they have undergone 3 IVFs, I am happy for them.

Could this day suck anymore?


Monday, May 10, 2010


I emailed my nurse first thing this morning (she is much better on email than playing phone tag). I explained that since December, I have been in limbo and have felt on edge. I really need to get to a transfer and soon, before I loose my mind. I asked her to email me after she speaks with the Dr. to tell me his thoughts. I also sent her a list of questions to go over with him.

1. Have I had severe lining issues in the past? What was my lining for my September transfer?
Yes, I have had lining issues, however not this bad. In September my lining was 7.5.

2. Are there any medications that I can add to this cycle to improve my chances? No.

3. Is it possible to stay on the delestrogen injection for a few more weeks to see if my lining thickens up? As long as my lining doesn't start to compact.

I have no more answers than when I started. If you can think of any other questions for me to ask tomorrow, please share! I'm sure you know me well enough by now to realize that my anxiety for tomorrow is through the roof. I am so hoping that my lining has thickened, even a bit so I know that something is happening. I really need to get to a transfer. I can't allow myself to second guess my decision to go forward with donor eggs, when my problem may have been lining related. Why didn't anyone tell me about my lining issues in the past? I am so upset by this. It's all I have been thinking about for days now.

I really hope I have some good news to share tomorrow. For now, I guess, I just wait. You would think I would be used to that by now.


Sunday, May 9, 2010


This morning I went to the grocery store as I pulled into the parking lot, I saw this.

This is where I parked (my car is the wagon).


M.D. - 2008

This was the only Mother's Day where I was somewhat happy...

It was the month of my fourth IUI. It was my last chance IUI before taking out the big guns. Needless to say, all my hopes were wrapped in this basket. The cycle went fine, nothing specific stands out in my mind, but after the IUI was where the difference began. My local RE was away during the later part of the cycle. She wasn't there for the insemination as she was part of a Canadian team doctors travelling to the Middle East to give lectures.

A few days after the IUI, I started to have an upset stomach. Cramping. Worse than AF, but not exactly right. It was the day of a friend's baby party so I remember it well. It was Saturday and the following day would be Mother's Day. Instinctively I called my mom and told her my symptoms. She instantly thought that maybe I was having an Ectopic pregnancy (oh mom, didn't we realize that 5dpo was waaaaaay to early for that!), and said I should call the dr. She (who was now back from her trip) told me I should come in right away for a scan to see what was going on.

I woke A. up, quickly explained the situation and told him we needed to I don't really remember the drive over because the pain was getting increasingly worse. When we got there, she noticed that I had fluid in my belly - a sign of OHSS. I took a blood test as well and was sent home with bed rest orders and to eat salty foods and drink Gatorade. By the middle of the afternoon the pain was severe. I was nauseous, sick and an overall mess. That's when the phone rang. The conversation went like this:

Nurse: R.?
Me: Yes
Nurse: You had a positive pregnancy test.
Me: Ok, thank you.

I was so out of it, that I couldn't even process what she was saying. I remember feeling happy about the news, but at the same time too sick to care. I. should. have. cared. more. On Sunday (MD), our families came to us, as I was too sick to go anywhere (constantly throwing up, feverish, needing Demoral shots to control the pain). There was little mention of the pregnancy, but we were all happy. We all felt excitement and even though at the moment I was so sick, it didn't matter, I was celebrating Mother's Day as a mother-to-be for once. That, was a feeling that I can not explain in words. It was just joy.

Of course, when I went for my second test the following day, the doctor realized that she miscounted the number of days past ovulation I was (due to her jet-lag) and told me I wasn't pregnant. I never was. It was the HCG trigger shot that was picked up. Still, being sick, I was unable to have the response I normally would have. I continued to be sick and off work for over a week. OHSS kicked the shit out of me. False pregnancy tests did as well.

Today, I am remembering a time where I was almost happy. Will I ever experience that again? Today I am not so sure. Right now, I can't find the light at the end of my tunnel. I finding it difficult to believe that this could work. I am looking for my miracle, but I don't think its looking for me. Today, which was going to be hard anyway, has become impossible. I hope I have the strength to get through it.

**To those you find themselves in similar situations as me today, I wish you peace today as well.

***This is an article that I stumbled upon today, it is a good read for today.

Saturday, May 8, 2010


I am still devastated. Today, the crying has begun and hasn't really stopped. I went this morning to get my thyroid levels checked. Dr. Google told me that hypthoroidism can cause thin linings, so of course, I am taking matters into my own hands and getting tested. The results will be available Monday.

I am so furious with the nurse and I keep replaying our conversation over and over in my head. Why is she so blassee over the whole the thing? Oh right, its not her fucking body!

I am not giving up on trying to talk with the doctor. On Monday morning I am going to send another email to the nurse DEMANDING that she speak with the doctor about my case. I will then be calling again, to INSIST on speaking with him sooner rather than later. I am just so mad, that she didn't have enough common sense to run this by him on Friday, I could have had four days to build it up before Tuesday's check. Now, I am throwing all my eggs (pardon my pun) into one Estrace pill. How much can one pill really do?

My hormones are out of control. My emotions are manic between so unbelievably sad to so unbelievably mad. I am definietly taking this out on A. It sucks for him too, but right now I am so focused on myself, that I can't bring myself to comfort him. I'm way too much of a mess.

I guess it doesn't help matters that tomorrow is probably the biggest dread of the year. I had thought of this wonderful post about it and a different take on the day, but now I just want to hide from the world. This is the lowest that I have been in a very very long time.

Thank you all for the support and comments. I have read them and appreciate the advice. To those, who have mentioned a GC, I am just not there yet. I think I was able to move forward with DE was because at least I was going to experience pregnancy. I need to hold on to that dream. I need to at least transfer and fail before moving on. Thank you for understanding.

Sorry to continue to be a downer, this is all I have in me right now.


Friday, May 7, 2010

Of Course

Nothing ever goes my way when it comes to IF. Never. It is still 6. Again, it hasn't moved at all. I'm not upset, I'm furious. Furious at my body for continually letting me down, furious at my nurse for continuing to prescribe protocols that obviously do not work, furious at the dr (AKA dr. Famous as many of you call him) for not living up to the hype and furious at my local RE who only got me to optimal lining once (9.2) for IVF 3 which incidentally was the one where I had the chemical. I think I have to face facts. I have lining issues. Why the fuck didn't anyone tell me this before?

I emailed my nurse from the dr's office this morning. It will be waiting for her when she arrives at work. Her and I need to have a little chat about what the fuck is going on. It won't be pretty. I'm not in that kind of mood. I am so frustrated by all this shit.

Sorry that I am not being more upbeat and positive, its just not in me right now.


ETA: I finally got a hold of my nurse at 4:00 today. She seemed shocked and confused by this. I asked if we could add more meds, change dosages, change protocols, but the most she said we could do was add another Estrace pill. I thought that her calling me so late in the afternoon meant that she conferred with the doctor, but no, she is calling the shots. I don't like this at all. For now, I guess I just medicate and hope for the best, but expect the worse.

Thursday, May 6, 2010


The wait for the lining check has been worse than a 2ww for me. I have done nothing but obsess for ten days. Unlike the 2ww, there are no symptoms to play mind tricks on you. You go into that date with the dildocam, blind. I really really need a good outcome. For once, I need things to go my way. I am so hoping that all the acupuncture, massages, tea and hypnosis have paid off. If I am so lucky that my lining has cooperated, I promise to never utter the word lining for the rest of the cycle.

UGH, why can't tomorrow be here already! I am so nervous! Please please please, let it be at least 8!


Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Coffee and Movie Dates

Thank you all for your advice, it was great to see such different perspectives. To tell the truth, I wasn't sure what I was going to do today up until it happened.

We met for coffee (of course I opted for the ever popular red raspberry leaf tea ;)) and it didn't take her long to jump right in ask, "where are you at?". I told the truth. It just slipped out. Before I could even take it back, she gave a look like she knew already. She also is doing the donor route. She tried once and failed (poor egg quality of the donor, ugh!) and is now in the 2ww of a second donor cycle.

I'll admit, on the one hand it will be really nice to know someone in my city who is going through exactly what I am, but I am also pissed off. Why reach out to me when you are inches away from getting pregnant? I really can't stomach the idea of another person succeeding before me (you all don't count). I know that sounds awful, but really, after three years, I feel like I have done my time and now I'm ready. It would be awesome if we both were pregnant, but is that realistic? Not in my world.


Tonight was another movie date with grandma and the girls. After I suggested the movie, "My Sister's Keeper" (aka the biggest tear jerker ever), I have been banned from choosing the movie. Tonight we saw, "The Back-Up Plan" (aka an infertile's nightmare). It did have some funny parts and some important lessons about getting pregnant. Here is what I learned from the movie: (MOVIE SPOILER ALERT, DON"T READ IF INTERESTED IN WATCHING THE MOVIE)

1. Immediately following an IUI, place legs in the air for 10 minutes (don't worry the dr will set a timer)
2. While in the 2ww it is important to do the following: drink wine, lift weights over 8 pounds, use the elliptical machine
3. Before the first ultra sound, make sure to have sex
4. Don't worry about frozen sperm not being so great, they will most likely produce more than optimal results
5. When you're least expecting it, a pregnancy will arrive

Needless to say, it was not so educational, and quite upsetting with how getting pregnant was romanticized. I just wish for once, a movie would tell it like it is. Yes, IUI and other more invasive procedures work, but those going through the treatment feel the heartache and the anxiety and the pain.


Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Broken Record

I have been walking around all day repeating the same words. Let. My. Lining. Be. Thick. With my four IUIs and 4 IVFs I have never been one to obsess over details of the cycle. Well, I did stress over estrogen levels at one point, but that was a different scenario altogether.

Right now, I can't stop focusing on the number 8. I am doing everything in my power and trying to think positively, but it is so damn hard. I wish there was a sign or a test that I could take to give me some indication that it is improving. I can't believe there isn't a LTT (lining thickness test), if there was, I would buy a million. I guess for now, I have to continue to be busy and keep my mind from dwelling on my lining.


On another note, I need some advice...

I have an acquaintance IF friend IRL who shares a mutual good friend, however we are not in the same circle of friends. We have met for coffee once or twice where we discuss our cycles. I, being the vet, usually answer her questions. No problem. We are meeting tomorrow after not seeing each other or speaking for a long time. The last time we talked, I mentioned how we may need to pursue donor eggs. A. and I are planning on telling our future child/ren about using a donor, however we are not "out" to the public, just our immediate family. Here's my question:

Would you share that you were doing donor eggs to an acquittance if you thought it would help her because she was considering or doing this option?


Monday, May 3, 2010

We are What we Read?

I'm reading Taming of the Shrew (Shakespeare) with my grade nine English class. As we complete character analyses for the two sisters, I had an epiphany. I am Katerina. I am a shrew. These hormones, and this never ending cycle and making me crazy, angry and an all around bitch. It is funny how this play has a new meaning when you are in the process of an IVF cycle.


Sunday, May 2, 2010

It Has to Work

I think I asked/told A. (and myself) this a thousand times today. I need reassurance. I need to feel optimistic. I need to feel like I have a fighting chance.

So many people use donor eggs and have success. The odds are in our favour for once. Why can't I just relax and believe?

It all goes back to the last three years. We were told by many drs that IF treatments would work for us. We were told, that I would take Clomid and get pregnant. No one expected me (at 28) to need injectables or IUI or IVF and at 30 no one thought I would need donor eggs, but I am. So yeah, it is hard for me to believe that this time, I have a fighting chance, when on paper the other times should have worked.

This cycle has to work. If it doesn't I am not sure that I will be able to recover.


Saturday, May 1, 2010


My grandmother is your traditional Jewish bubbie, sweet, quiet and would do anything for her family. Around the time of my wedding, my grandmother fell and we decided then that she needed live-in help. It was not an easy transition for her to loose some of her independence with now having a caregiver in her house. My mother decided that it would be nice for her if she came to stay at her house on the weekends.

My siblings and I try to spend as much time with her as we can (my mother is an only child and my grandfather passed away when I was six) so that she is not so lonely. Lately, our visits are on Friday nights during our Shabbat dinners. My parents are away on vacation this week and so my grandmother was at her apartment for the weekend. I decided that it would be fun to invite A., my sister and brother-in-law and brother and his girlfriend over to her house for brunch. It was the most amazing afternoon.

I woke up early to get a pedicure (I needed to refresh my red polish to bring me luck for the next lining check) and then went and picked up the food for brunch. I got the traditional stuff and we set up a nice spread at her house. Since she has started spending the weekends are my parent's house, I haven't visited her at her apartment in what felt like forever. It was so nice being there and remembering many family dinners and brunches.

Her apartment is filled with family photos of her family. The walls are covered with wedding portraits, Bar/Bat Mitzvah portraits and some candid shots of us from over the years. In one sense, it is lovely to see that her "art" is us, however, I couldn't help but think about that. What if the only "art", I have on my walls, is art?

On paper, our FET should work. Donor eggs should work. But what if it doesn't? I don't have a back-up plan for my back-up plan. I have always been the type of person to plan out steps B, C and D before A is complete, but this is my last option. I am trying really hard to be positive because this time is different, but it is tough. Being at my grandmother's today just reinforced once again, how much I really want this to work.