Tuesday, March 22, 2011

I Need a New Soap Box

I am so sick of people talking about how difficult life is when you have kids and you just don't know until you have them. Um, shut the fuck up. I have a pretty good idea of how difficult life can be WITHOUT children, but my pain and hardships are sidelined as I am not a mom. Tonight I was in my last class and the discussion turned to new teachers. The point was made that new teachers have no home life and with no family they have easy lives and all the time in the world to dedicate themselves to their work. What? I was so upset. I spoke my piece, but I think I got a beat too heated.

I have no children, but I would not say that my life is easy. We don't need a recap, but none of our lives have been easy. Yes, I completely understand that life will be hard when we add children. We will be busy and stuff will come up, but seriously, to imply that people's lives without children are useless and boring. No, enough is enough. Some people just don't have a clue.

Ok, rant over.


Sunday, March 20, 2011

Moments of Normalcy

I have heard IT's heartbeat a few times now and I continue to be amazed. My dad came over this afternoon with the Doppler so that A. and I could have a listen, we were able to find it after a few short seconds and it seemed louder. It sounds to me like IT has a strong heartbeat around 156 and that makes me happy. It is also so much louder and more pronounced now. Cool.

After the high of hearing the heartbeat, I allowed myself a few minutes of fun on the Internet searching names. Oy, are A. and I going to have trouble! We have different philosophies for how we should name a child. Let me start by saying that in Judaism, we name after the dead and it can be with the direct name or the same first initial. I am of the opinion that the name is more important than gender where A. feels that a girl should be named after a grandmother and a boy after a grandfather. We have one name that is kicking around that meets both criteria, but I am no where close to committing (we also are going to find out the sex and that will help narrow our choices). Either way, it is going to be stressful as we are both such strong minded, opinionated and stubborn people...but I am not for one second forgetting that I would LOVE to fight with A. over this!

Today marks 15 weeks. I still can't believe it. Although today, I allowed myself a few moments of normalcy, typically I still haven't acknowledged this. I do catch a glimpse of my changing (or growing) body, but don't necessarily equate that with what is inside it. I have resigned myself to the fact that I will allow this blase anxious attitude to continue until the anatomy scan and if everything looks good, I need to get over it and start dealing with this.


In other non-related news, I have spent the entire weekend working on my final project for my course. It is due on Tuesday and is now 90% finished. I just need to grab a few more items from work tomorrow and then put the finishing touches on. I am so proud of myself for working so hard on my career over the past years while TTC. It has given me some focus and perspective. Since beginning our TTC journey, I have worked at 4 schools and completed 4 courses - the last being right now. Work has been something that I could rely on (except for the mess of last year and my disaster of a job which thankfully I quit and have no regrets) and feel proud about. It was something that I could control when it seemed like the rest of my life was spinning out of control. Tuesday's course completion will symbolize an ending for me. It will be the end of my formal education for my career (as I will have all the qualifications needed) and hopefully be a way to leave the last 4+ years behind and focus on the future. Today, I am optimistic that my future will be bright, which is something I haven't thought for a really long time.


Thursday, March 17, 2011

Anxiety Roots - UPDATE

I was so scared to be "out". It brought a new level of anxiety to my world that I didn't even know existed. I had panic attacks, sleepless nights and freak outs. It.Sucked. Thankfully I convinced Dr Dad to order me an ultrasound so that I could reassure myself that IT was still there, with a beating heart and all, everything is fine. We were also able to pick up the heartbeat on the Doppler (which was the first time we actually heart it) and this alleviated my stress. I now can relax and wait until my next OB appointment in two weeks.

My NT results still are not yet in, which is frustrating. I feel like I just need that extra bit of reassurance that things are going on the way they should. Hopefully they will be in soon, but I am trying to hold on to this calmer place that I have found and am not stressing too much about it. Its progress.

People have been so unbelievably amazing towards me when they hear the news. I have never been one to shy away from the fact that I have IF, but have never publicized each IVF attempt, BFN and m/c either. But as I need to keep reminding myself, when you have been married for 7 years with no children and your younger sibling is a mother, people make assumptions (correct ones in my case). Either way, I feel a bit like a celebrity. It is almost as if people feel ok sharing their stories of IF with me because I get it. People are also surprising me with their reactions. Friends that I have lost touch with, and coworkers that I barely know continue to shower me with genuine love and happiness...it is both wonderful and overwhelming.

I feel like I don't want to let anyone down and this is where the anxiety stems from. Yes, in my head I realize that a m/c at this point would be a slim possibility, but what about all the other complications (high blood pressure, incompetent cervix...) to think of then telling all these people bad news, is at times too much to think about. This is partly why I am what I am, an anxious mess. But as I have said, I am doing better. I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that this is happening and TO ME. This is something that I have worked so hard for for so long and now it may be a reality.

To those of you still waiting for your turn, I know that it may be hard for you to read about me and my story and for that I am sorry. As always I think of all of us and hope that we all get our happy endings...soon.


UPDATE: OB's office called today with my NT risk assessment. Thankfully it came in extremely low at 1:2442! I am so relieved.

Saturday, March 12, 2011


Yesterday should have been my transfer with the GC. I have been thinking a lot lately whether I made the right decision to cancel and not move forward with her or someone else right away...today, I got my affirmation.

We had been going back and forth with AL over tying up the loose ends, getting the medications back from GC and other things. A. was going out of tonight to see a concert and would be driving close to her town so he was going to stop by her apartment and pick them up. Yesterday, I heard that she would be in my city at a dr and I could pick them up from her. Great, that is so much easier. So A. and I woke up early, did the 45 min drive to the dr and waited for 45 min. She.didn't.show.up. After many text messages, and voice mails, we finally left without the medications only to get a text an hour later saying that she decided to go tomorrow instead. What a beeyotch! I don't know how I was so wrapped up in everything before to feel ok about her. Boy did she fool me.

Needless to say, I am so happy that I listened to my head and didn't go through with yesterday's transfer.


Monday, March 7, 2011

Wonderful Weekend

The weekend was amazing. It started on Friday, when I told my boss. I was so nervous all day, I felt like I was constantly running to the bathroom, but...I did it. I managed to tell her, without saying the actual words (haven't been able to do that yet). She was really excited for me and guessed that it was a long time in the making...sigh. To be expected I guess.

Friday night we told my extended family. We were at my parents for Shabbat dinner and it was just my immediate family and my three grandparents. A. did the telling and the response was overwhelming. My grandfather was so happy and animated (which is always a good thing) and my grandmother was immediately brought to tears. My boobie, was in a bit of shock. It took her 11 years to have my mother and she was unable to have more children, so she has felt this kinship with me (even though we have never discussed IF or my TTCing). After a good hour, she processed what we said, and was just so happy. It was a moment I will never forget. I think the best/hardest part of the telling was my father's reaction. After we told the grandparents, he excused himself to the other room and just started bawling. Watching your father cry is never easy, even with it because of extreme joy. It reaffirmed how much A. and I are loved. It also made me realize that I don't think my dad ever thought we would actually get to this place. He has always remained cautiously optimistic throughout it all, but now I realize that he was probably doing that to protect me. In any case, the memories of the moment will never fade.

My aunts and uncles and cousins came for dessert and A. again got to tell them. Again, the room was filled with love and excitement.

I will say that as much as I cherish the fact that we were/are in this place, I wanted the night to be over. The emotion was too much at times and I was feeling overwhelmed and anxious. I didn't enjoy myself. I was so focused on trying to hide my tears (as I am not sure what emotion they were from) and ignoring my extremely nervous stomach, that I wanted to go home. It was just too much. Wonderful, but too much.


Saturday was spent emailing and telling friends. Again, the response was amazing. People that I didn't think really cared one way or another, emailed or left voice mail with the sincerest of words. Some actually cried. The outpouring of love was felt.


Sunday...I went shopping. My sister, niece, and two BFFs hit the mall for some maternity shopping. Thank goodness we decided to have lunch first, as I was quite overwhelmed. We got to the first store and when I was alone in the change room, I stared at myself in the mirror. I couldn't believe I was actually there. Tears started, but I wouldn't let them get out of control. I managed to hold myself together.

I literally tried on the entire store and managed to do quite well. It was the first time in a long time, where shopping and spending money didn't bother me. We know by now that I love shopping, but I haven't allowed myself to do any in the last few years as I was always hoping the new clothes wouldn't fit soon after. This time was different. I needed new clothes. My not so small stomach is popping out of my pants and I am uncomfortable (so not complaining...stating facts) so shopping was in order.

Having the support of my sister and friends was amazing. Yes, at times it was like too many cooks in the kitchen, but they were there out of love. It was really special.

This truly was a weekend like no other.


Thursday, March 3, 2011


This was the most excrusiating week of my entire life. I had my weekly RE visit on Monday, and they did an impromtu ultrasound and NT scan...great. Not.So.Great. It turns out, that my NT measurement came back at 2.6, which is a bit on the thick side. Sure, most doctors will tell you that normal is <3, but when it is your number that is creeping up to the 3, it is not good. The RE tried to reassure me, but couldn't. There was nothing concrete she could or would say to calm me off my ledge. I went straight from her office to my dad. We then called the genetics lab that runs the results and they confirmed that the number was in the "normal" range, however it would not provide as clear a result as a 1.something would. FUCK FUCK FUCK.

To say that I was obsessing over NT scans and results would be an understatement. It really was the longest week of my life. People were trying to be comforting, but in reality, there was nothing that anyone could say to calm me down.

Today's appointments were overwhelming. I arrived at the hospital at 11:30 to meet an OB Internist to discuss my blood pressure and GI issues. I first met with a resident. BIG MISTAKE. She started taking my history, which was going fine until she asked me about my abortion. Um, what? I immediately corrected her by saying it was a miscarriage and that no, it was not on purpose. She didn't seem sympathetic at all, but she did manage to change the abortion to spontaneous abortion. Really? Go fuck yourself resident.

This interaction sent me into a tailspin of emotion for the remainder of the day. I found myself yet again, crying uncontrollably in a doctor's office.

Thankfully, my issues are of little concern right now and aside from wearing a 24 hour blood pressure monitor, I am to keep on my meds and continue life as normal. Phew.

It was then time for the NT. It was a more relaxing experience as I was able to see the screen and the heart flicker away the entire time. I did manage to ask to make sure to see a nasal bone as that is also an indicator that something could be wrong. He asked me if I am in medical field and my reply was "Infertility Patient".

When meeting with the doctor we were given the results of the ultrasound. IT is measuring right on track at 12W4D with a heart beat of 163. A nasal bone was present and the NT result was 1.7. Say what? How is it possible that two scans, only four days apart could be so different? I was really concerned about this and so my MFM. He personally went over and reviewed today's scans and cleared them as accurrate. We are going under the assumption that today's results and blood work are ok. We did put the blood as STAT and the risk assessment should be in early next week.

I am relieved, but also so confused. Yes, it was my favourite tech at the RE clinic. The one who was responsible for my getting on a plane to Denver asap in May, however to have such a difference is almost unbelievable.

Thank all so much for your thoughts this past week, they have really helped and I felt your presence today.