Friday, April 30, 2010

2 Weeks

7 days until my next lining check.

2 weeks until my transfer if all goes well.

It's getting really close.

I can't believe we may actually transfer this time.

I am going to meet my babies for the first time in 2 weeks.

I am excited and nervous.


Thursday, April 29, 2010

Exciting News

Today I got an unofficial dream job offer. This is a job that I have been eyeing for a while now and I am just so excited about it. I don't want to get into details about it until it is official which by my calculations should be when I am in the 2ww. But for now, I am happy and excited and looking forward to September.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010


Today was one of those days, you know the one, where you want to eat everything in sight. I haven't had a day like this in a long time. At work, I got it in my head that I needed a donut. It was all I could think about since lunch. On my way to my session with SJ, I decided to indulge myself. When I got to Tim Hortons (way better than Dunkin' Donuts, but no Krispy Kreme), I couldn't decide what to order as I have donuts so infrequently. I decided that I should do the logical thing, order the holes so there are a variety of flavours. I ate them all. Eight on the way to see SJ and two on the way home.

The eating did not stop there. I proceed to eat sushi, warm baguette and even bought (but at the time writing this had not eaten) both Pringles and cherry blasters. What is wrong with me? I have become an eating machine. I can only image what will happen if I get pregnant!

I would consider myself a pretty healthy eater most days. I like my fruit and vegetables and eat a lot of chicken breast for protein, this is so out of character, but boy was it delicious.

This day of eating got me thinking about my favourite foods and my dream meals. Here is what I have come up with so far (it ain't fancy, but it sure is delicious)

Breakfast: Warm twister bagel with cream cheese, vanilla latte (caffeinated of course) and fresh fruit

Lunch: Greek salad, grilled cheese and fries with a chocolate milk shake

Dinner: BBQ chicken breast, mashed potatoes, grilled vegetables and a diet Coke

Snacks: sour patch kids, world class chocolate ice cream and Godiva chocolate pretzels

What do you crave?


Tuesday, April 27, 2010


Today is day 2 of Viagra suppositories. I am instructed to put in one suppository four times a day. To say they are gross, would be an understatement. I constantly feel as if I am leaking or dripping all day long. Because the Viagra is inclosed in wax, it is the wax that dissolves and leaves you wanting a diaper...almost. Seriously though, I think I wear two liners at a time and I still feel gross.

Joke of the day...

Viagra cut into four
An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra.

The pharmacist said "That`s no problem. How many do you want?"

The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen, but can you cut each one into four pieces."

The pharmacist said, "That`s too small a dose. That won`t get you through sex."

The gentleman said, "Oh, that`s all right. I`m past eighty years old, and I don`t even think about sex anymore. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don`t pee on my shoes.

I wish I had the sex drive side effect, instead of feeling like I'm dripping on my shoes.


Monday, April 26, 2010

Lining Check

My day started out quite early, at 6 to be exact. I woke up to put my first Viagra suppository in and then went back to sleep for another half hour. Ah sleep. My sister came to get me just before 7 and we were off to the clinic. When we got there, we approached the waiting room and just as I was thinking that it wasn't so busy, she was thinking the oppositite, what a newbie. I then proceeded to sign up on the two boards, (ultrasound and blood) and take a seat. She asked about the different procedures and then started to make some observations of her own about the patients. It is strange seeing an RE's office through the eyes of a fertile. In the end, it was nice sharing that part of my life with her. Did I mention that she has a basal thermometer by her bed, that has to be a sign that she is not yet pregnant, right?

I asked the sonographer to tell me about my lining, and she did! It was 6mm and tripe stripe. Yay. That is one whole milmeter thicker than when we cancelled last time. I felt good about that. My e2 results also came back at a whopping 2348, I am not sure what level it should be, but the nurse seemed happy so I am too. My next check is in eleven days so until then, I will continue with the medications and the tea and the acupuncture and hopefully it will continue to thicken up.


On another note, I got my license back today!!! Oh how I missed driving.


Sunday, April 25, 2010

Hidden Feelings

Tomorrow will be first E2 and lining check at my local RE's office. I am very nervous about this, because I am hoping that my lining will magically be at 8, even though the nurse told me it will be much lower. I just really want my body to surprise me in a positive way for once.

I am also nervous because my sister has to take me. I don't get my license back until Monday afternoon at the earliest, so she has offered to drive me at 7am for the appointment. On the hand, it is so sweet of her to offer. I know that she has no ulterior motives, other than being a great sister, however I am so apprehensive to let her do this for me. In the past, I have opened up to many friends and have even allowed one to drive me to an appointment on occasion, only to find out that they were pregnant at the time.

LT and I have been friends since kindergarten and best friends since high school. We spend a lot of time together both in person and on the phone. Every weekend we go for early morning brunch while our husbands are home sleeping and we are both so open with each other about everything...or so I thought. I started TTC six months before her wedding. At that point, I was very open about what I was experiencing and going through. She knew the day the RE told me I needed to start injectables, and the day that I learned about IUI and even drove me to a beta test on occasion. Yes, she was a close friend. I felt so comfortable sharing my deepest secrets and fears with her and I truly felt like she 'got it'. BOY WAS I WRONG.

Eight months after her wedding, I got OHSS and a false positive pregnancy test. The RE tested my HCG too early because of the OHSS and they told me I was pregnant. She was with me when I learned that the test was negative and I allowed myself to cry and express my what if that was the only time I will ever hear the words, you are pregnant? To say that was a rough time for me emotionally would be an understatement.

LT would also discuss her fertility quest. She would mention how she had long cycles and how she feared she would be on her way to my path of IF. I tried to be supportive and give her advice, many of which was not something I was told, but would have benefited from. She pretended like she was interested, but never followed through. It was upsetting for me, as I was annoyed that she would spend so much time bitching and stressing about her fertility, while a) I was living the nightmare and b) not following through on my suggestions.

I remember the next part as if it were yesterday. We were in the car driving back from a weekend at the cottage (where she was sick most of the time) and she was asking me when I would find out if I was pregnant (I was gearing up for a first IVF that would later be cancelled due to poor response). I should note that my friends all expected to be called the minute we got our BFP/BFN results. I made some comment about how when she gets pregnant I think I deserve the same courtesy and should be told immediately. She went silent. A minute later she announced that she was nine weeks pregnant and scared to tell me. She had completely made up the infertility fears because that was easier for her.

I just froze, said a quick congratulations and then cried for 3 weeks straight alone. I was unable to tell A. about this news and I felt completely alone. Not only did she hide the fact she was pregnant, she made up infertility. This has changed our friendship completely. I spent a lot of time being angry and hurt by this. Anyone who has experienced infertility knows how scary it is to let someone in, and when you do and get burned it is the worst pain in the world. It took me over a year to begin to heal and move on and today almost two years later, she has a beautiful one-year old son and thinking about a second, while I am still fighting the battle.

I will say that I have put my anger aside and we are close again, but our friendship is different now. We speak once or twice a week and rarely see each other. I am very guarded around her and I feel she is the same around me. It sucks. It is another thing infertility has taken from me.

So I am in a what could be similar situation and I am petrified. I am scared to death that my sister, who has been my rock will betray me (obviously not in a malicious way). If I allow her to enter my IF world, to find out soon after that she was/is expecting, I am not sure I will recover. I don't want to fight this fight without her, but I am just so scared that our relationship will change and not for the better. I hope with all my heart she gets pregnant...just let be after me.


Saturday, April 24, 2010


Everything is annoying me today. I feel like I am walking on egg shells, and that I could snap at any minute (and I have many, many times). My threshold for stupidity and annoyance is wearing thin. Do you ever have days where you just want to scream at everyone and no one at the same time?


Friday, April 23, 2010

A Safe Place

Did you know that there is a place that is safe for all IFers? A place that is filled with people of all ages, ethnicities and religions, but NO pregnant women. Where is this magical place? Traffic Court.

I had to take the day off of work to deal with my license issue. My father picked me up at 7:30am and we were on our way. When I arrived at the courthouse at 8, there was already a long line up. Geez, what time did they wake up at? I waited and waited and waited until finally it was my turn. I saw the Justice of the Peace and had to swear on the Bible that my information was true (not really sure if religiously I should do that, but I thought God would forgive me). He found my file and saw that the original trial date notice was sent to the wrong address. I then met with the prosecutor and got my licence suspension revoked! YAY! I go to pick up my licence on Monday afternoon.

This weekend A. will be my driver. I kind of feel bad as I have some feminine appointments like hair, waxing, etc... but isn't that what he signed up for when we married? Seriously though, he, and the rest of my family, have been extremely supportive through this whole licence fiasco.

Moral of the story: Today, the little person one.


Thursday, April 22, 2010

Protocol Questions

This was going to be my original post from yesterday...

I decided that I wasn't so happy with the protocol the nurse emailed me with the calendar and I was going to inquire about it. I just don't understand why I have to wait for four weeks for a transfer when everyone else gets to transfer in two. It sucks. She explained to me that I take longer than most people to build a good lining, and that it may even take longer than what we decided on. Longer? No way. She also told me that I probably have had lining issues in the past, however this was news to me. I should have known about this, right? I am just so frustrated at the moment.

I have run out of patience. I have had enough. It is time to introduce me to my embryos.


Wednesday, April 21, 2010

You Have Got to be Kidding Me

Picture this. I am driving and minding my own business on my way to my weekly appointment with SJ when I get pulled over by a cop. Ok, I wasn't speeding, but I was talking on my cell phone--however it was on speaker and the phone was on my lap so maybe handsfree? (I live in a cell-free when driving province). I quickly hang up the phone, take out my blue tooth head set and place it where it can be prominently be seen.

Two male police officers come out of their car and surround me. One takes the driver's side, while the other takes the passenger. I am a little freaked at this point. The conversation went something like this:

Police Officer (PO): Can I have your licence and registration?
Me: Sure, it is in the back seat, let me get it for you?
PO: Are you aware that you are driving with a suspended licence?
Me: Pardon?
PO: You cannot drive on a suspended licence?
Me: What do you mean my licence is suspended. Wouldn't I know if I had a suspended licence.
PO: Maam, please wait in the car
(at this point they take my info and google me on their computer).
PO: Yes, it looks like you have an unpaid ticket and your licence is suspended.
Me: That is impossible. I filled to defend this ticket and haven't been informed of the trial date.
PO: I cannot allow you to drive.
Me: WHAT? (now I am getting anxious and upset). Are you telling me that I my licence is suspended? I need to clarify what you are saying, I never received a notice of trial date, I never received a notice of a convinction and I never received notice that my licence is suspended and NOW you are taking away my licence.
PO: Yes.

Needless to say, I didn't make it to see SJ. My sister had to pick up from my stranded location, which was a are you ready, a daycare during pick up time! I have to now take a day off of work, sit in traffic court all day and hopefully they will revoke my suspension as I have all the documentation to prove that I am telling the truth. This sucks. I probably won't get my licence back until Monday or even later. Again, this sucks.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010


If you are in need of a pick me up, check out tonight's Glee episode. It is Madonna based. Totally awesome!


Last night I had some pain in my tooth when I ate my nightly ice cream (a girl's got to have something to look forward to!). It was a weird sensation, and probably a smarter woman would have put the ice cream down, but not me, I ate the whole bowl in pain.

Today at work when I was drinking my first cup of red raspberry tea, I had the same pain. Now I was worried. I thought for sure I had a cavity.

Luckily, my dentist was able to see me after work. I don't have a cavity. I may have a nerve issue. It may be related to clenching. The dentist asked me if I am under more stress than usual. I wanted to say YES, of course, things are stessful right now. A.'s job isn't great, I don't have a school lined up yet for September, my younger sister could announce her pregnancy any day now and my transfer seems like forever a way. Instead I said, "not really".

If the pain doesn't subside by Thursday, I will have to see a specialist. Just what I need, another doctor.


Monday, April 19, 2010


That's right, I finally got my FET calendar today. I have been not so patiently waiting for this for what seems like forever, and I have to say...I'm a little upset. When we first decided to cancel my transfer and try again, we threw around some potential dates all based upon when my next period would arrive. I was banking on the idea that since my period came earlier than expected...twice that surely my calendar would be pushed forward at least by a few days, but NO. We are still set for Friday, May 14th. UGH!

The protocol is a new one for me. I will be curious to see how it all plays it out and if I will experience and side effects with the new medications, I guess time will tell. Here are the details of the protocol:

CD1- start estrace 2mg 2x day vaginally, 1 baby aspirin daily

Mondays and Thursdays - .25mg delestrogen IM injection (I had the first one tonight...ouch!)

CD10- add Viagra suppositories 4x day

CD21- E2 check (blood work) and lining check ultra sound (I am VERY anxious about this one)

CD23- stop Viagra, begin tetracyline and medrol, start endometrin suppositories 3x a day

CD28- Embryo Transfer!!!

So if all goes according to plan (and really when does that ever happen?), I guess I will meet my beautiful embryos for the first time in 26 days.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

A Memorable Night

First of off, I just want to say thank you to all who offered support to me. It means so much to know that I am not the only one who experiences these feelings. Yes, I have read, "Having Your Baby Through Egg Donation" and I will surely look up the other book recommended. And yes, I am ready for this step, I was just having one (probably of many) freak outs that is bound to happen, hopefully my next freak out will be related to my pregnancy and will be similar to that of what all new mothers feel.


Tonight was a magical night. A. and I went to a charity dinner in honour of ovarian cancer, "Yes We Can". The way we came to this dinner was because of my father. He organized the dinner along with his running group in honour of one of their members. My father has been involved in a local running group for years. They meet every weekend and go running, run marathons together and also participate in relay race running. They are an amazing group of people and have also started adding charity to their resume.

One of the group members was diagnosed with cancer. He is now in remission, but has not let this stop him. While he was fighting his battle with cancer, his wife was diagnosed with recurring ovarian cancer. This was seven years ago. Since then, she has gone through two surgeries and endless rounds of chemotherapy all the while, keeping a smile on her face and hope in her heart. She is an inspiration. The husband, after surviving cancer, realized that he wanted to do something for cancer research so he decided that he was going to run one marathon a month and have his 60th marathon on his 60th birthday month--this July. The dinner was a tribute to the couple and a way to raise money and awareness as well.

It was truly an inspirational evening, and definitely put my earlier freak out into some perspective.


Freaking Out

It was bound to happen. Last night, I had the biggest What If freak out to date. I have been so focused on bringing home a baby, I haven't given much thought (conscious thought) to how the baby was going to get here. I am a fighter and a problem solver. When we first started TTC, it was me that pushed us to the RE after a very short time. It was me that insisted on starting IUIs, and it was me that decided it was time for IVF. I don't give up easily. I was upset and scared when we moved to each step, but we just knew it had to be done. Now it is a different story.

I wasn't ready to give up on my dream of becoming a mother, so again it was me that pushed for donor egg. I knew this would be our best chance to conceive and A. agreed. I don't think I focused a lot of what the donor part meant. I would remind myself how I would experience a pregnancy, and become a mother. I never allowed myself to think about the ramifications of this. Until now...

Lat night A. and I sat down to watch a movie. As the opening credits were rolling there were some names of the actors that I found funny. I said casually to A., "maybe we should name our child Rusty". Well, this turned into a discussion about names for our hypothetical children. I found myself getting very worked up and upset realizing that I wanted so desperately to have a connection with my child and that the only connection I could come to terms with would be the name. To say I was hysterical, would be a serious understatement. I was yelling, and crying (at no one) about how my child wont look like me, or have my genes. I will never have that moment that I grew up with, the one where people will come to me and say how much my children look like me (I am a mini version of my mom and this happens to us a lot). This upsets me.

Maybe it is the hormones of my period, or the estrogen or the emotion surrounding the cycle, I am not sure, but I am a mess. I haven't stopped crying since last night. I can't stop focusing on my lack of connection to my future children. Everyone says that once you hold that baby in your arms, you forget about using a donor, but I am not sure I will be able to forget? How can I forget that for three years, my sole purpose in life was creating life? This baby is so wanted and will be so loved, but will I be loved in return?

Why is it that every time I try and be hopefully, it grabs me by the head and throws me to the ground?


Saturday, April 17, 2010


AF arrived this morning. She was one day late. My cycles are unique as they are strangely regular (especially when on medication) even though I don't ovulate naturally. I was sure my period was coming when I had that hell of a headache a few days ago. So, when it didn't arrive, I allowed myself to fantasize (for just a second) that I would be one of the miracles. I would be one of the stories people talk about when they say, "oh just adopt and you'll get pregnant". I. HATE. THOSE. STORIES. But I don't think I'm alone in wanting to be the miracle. I POAS this morning, mostly for fun, I mean really, aren't those miracle people urban legends anyways? Needless to say, only one line and that's when I saw AF.

I am not upset. I laughed at the situation. I am really excited that I will finally be moving forward. I am again finding myself hopefully that some day soon my dream will be my reality.


Friday, April 16, 2010


Have You Seen My Aunt Flow?

Aunt Flow, if you are out there please come and visit me…SOON.

Thursday, April 15, 2010


I have a the headache from hell. All day, I have been dealing with the throbbing and nothing can get rid of it. I tried Tylenol, drinking water, acupuncture, head massage and even a menthol like patch on my shoulders. Nothing is working. If you have any headache remedies, I will try just about anything. Please!


Wednesday, April 14, 2010


I had my weekly social worker appointment today with SJ. I really needed her today. A lot has been going on and I haven't been doing well emotionally. I feel sad all the time, angry all the time and scared all the time. Things are happening at A.'s work right now, and it looks like we might enter some financial lows for awhile. Not. So. Good. So yes, I'm a mess.

For all the amazing things that A. does, he doesn't always get the way I grieve. I'm sure I have mentioned before, that I tend to shut down, cry and pull back. He is the opposite. He always has such a great optimism that most of the time, I rely on, however when I am low, I need realism. I thought it would be a good idea for us to go to SJ together. So, I went first to have some one on one time and then A. came in.

SJ was amazing. She really got A. and I on the same page. I needed A. to understand how fragile I am. Not being pregnant is all I think of. I put on a brave face. I go out with friends, I hang out with A., but it is always on my mind. I have told A. this before, but I think it was good for him to hear it from SJ as well. I also needed A. to understand how to help me emotionally. I am not easy, I know. A. is so amazing and loving and sensitive, but sometimes, I feel like he treats me how he wants to be treated instead of how I want to be treated. All I want is time to grieve and cry and maybe a shoulder. When I'm in this state, I am not ready to hear the positivity, I just want to be in the moment. He understood and is going to try. I love him for trying. It means a lot.

I think we left the session feeling pretty good. We both have a better understanding of what we need to get through the next few weeks.


Tuesday, April 13, 2010


This is my 100th post! When I started this blog I decided that I was going to write everyday to document my journey to motherhood. I had no idea how therapeutic it would be and how this blog has saved me. A. will be the first to tell you that I am not a talker. I don't like discussing my feelings and getting into long personal stories. In fact, I avoid those conversations. Not so good I know, but it wont change anytime soon. So writing has allowed me to share my thoughts, without speaking them.

I definitely thought I would be in a different stage of the journey by now, that's for sure. I can only hope that I have "paid my dues" and my time will come...SOON.

I thought about recapping my last 100 days, but when I started writing and the list got longer and longer without any positive news, I just hit delete. It has been a really hard few months. I am depressed and stressed. I am determined to turn my mood around. It won't be easy, but I am going to try.

So thank you for reading, and I hope that you continue to follow the journey as it is just getting started...again.


Monday, April 12, 2010



That's how I feel. Not bad, not good, just blah. I'm in a weird stage where nothing is really happening cycle wise and since I don't have a calendar yet, I feel like I don't have something to focus on.

Once I know the date, I can set my goal and prep myself, but until that...there is not much I can do.


Sunday, April 11, 2010


Today is Yom Hashoah - Holocaust Remembrance Day. Over sixty years the Nazis took power and the horrors of the Holocaust began and we use this day to remember and educate ourselves. I commemorate it every year by lighting a candle. When I was in grade 11, I was so fortunate to participate in a program called March of the Living, where teenage high school students travel to Poland to visit and learn about the concentration camps and life for the Jews during the war years. To say, it changed my life, would be an understatement. The most meaningful part of the experience took place on Yom Hashoah itself and it was the march--"the three-kilometer distance separating Auschwitz from Birkenau, the largest concentration camp complex built by the Nazis during World War II", where thousands of students from all over the world marched together. Every year, I reflect back on that trip and how it has changed my life. Genocide continues to happen today in many places in the world, and we cannot sit idly by while Innocent people are dying. "Those who cannot remember history are doomed to repeat it. ." --George Santayana. Ok, enough, I'm getting off my soapbox.


Last night was girls' night with one of my oldest friends. I LOVE spending time with her and she always puts me in a better mood. We have been friends since we were 8 years when we met at summer camp. This friend puts things in perspective for me (and if I have already mentioned her, I'm sorry to repeat). She is thirty and single, not. by. choice. Think about it, we are all so wrapped up in our infertile lives, seeing pregnant ladies everywhere we go and constantly hearing the newest announcement, but at least we come home to our husbands who comfort us. When we want to have an escape, we go out for a nice dinner or something of the like. She can't do any of this. Over the past two and half years, she has tried to meet someone. Blind dates, set ups and even Internet dating sites, but nothing has come from this. It just puts things in perspective for me a little. It sucks for her, just like infertility sucks for me. We commiserate, bitch and then do something totally fun, like see the movie Date Night. Super funny. Absolutely NO pregnant women, infertility or anything else that would make an IFer upset, I recommend for a great pick me up.


I spent the day with my sister. This was the first time we have hung out since her email. We have spoken on the phone daily, but I have been very short and just made up excuses to get off (I don't think she noticed though). So today, we actually went out. It went well. We did not talk about her email, and I tried my best to follow the rules, but I will admit, I got in a few belly sneaks and such. There were so many times today that I wanted to yell, just wait one more month, please...but I didn't. I have never been one to keep quiet, but today I was reserved. The funny thing is, I don't think she noticed. If this becomes a common theme, it will not be good for our relationship. But I need to think positively. I need to think that God has a plan and in the end it will all work out the way it needs to. I just need to keep on believing in this.


Today is my grandparents anniversary. They have been married for sixty two years. It is the most amazing thing to see and gives me something to strive for.


Saturday, April 10, 2010


Its 12:30pm and I am still in bed. This. Never. Happens. I am an early riser, usually out and about by 9:00am, but today, I need to hibernate. A. met some friends for brunch (boys only) and I am cuddled up in bed watching girlie movies. I need this. I have been feeling so low and anxious lately and really just need me time.

I know that I have something to look forward to, but it just seems so out of reach right now. I want to be positive and optimistic, but I can't. I have so many thoughts running through my head, that I can't focus on anything. So I won't. I think I will stay in bed for as long as possible.

Tonight I am going to have a girls night with a great friend. We are going to see a silly chick flick and grab dinner, what could be better than that for nursing a crappy mood?

How will you be spending the weekend?


Friday, April 9, 2010

What I Know for Sure

I spent the entire afternoon lying to my students. They were working on their public speaking assignment, "What I Know For Sure" and I was helping them brainstorm topics. Grade nines are so idealistic in their views of the world and I just cheered them on today. They came up with topics like, what I know for sure is that with hard work you can succeed at anything, what I know for sure is that all my dreams will come true and what I know for sure is that I can overcome any obstacle. I didn't have the heart to tell them that these are all lies.

What I know for sure is that even though I try my hardest, some things are out of my reach.

What I know for sure is that I will never be a biological mother.

What I know for sure is that even with a loving supportive husband and family, I will never feel whole without a child.

I wish I could go back to the days where I was naive and believed. I remember when A. and I first started TTC and we met our RE, we both believed we would be the quick fix. We joked about needing just a bit help. We thought, I would take some pills and have sex and WOW, pregnant. Obviously, this didn't happen. Even when the pills didn't work and I needed to move to the injections, still I believed it would work. When we moved from timed intercourse to IUI, again I believed and when we started IVF, I thought for sure this would be the answer. When we went to the magical CCRM, I knew it would work. I was wrong each and every time, so why should I believe now? What I know for sure is that each time I have tried, I have failed.


Thursday, April 8, 2010


LOST: Moonstone and Rose Quartz bracelet

On top of all the shit going on in my life, I lost my special bracelet. The one that is supposed to bring me luck. I need it. It is not just a nice bracelet, but the properties of the stones increase fertility. It is sort of like my good luck charm and I have grown attached to it. I am a superstitious person and I feel like I am doomed without it. I know one has NOTHING to do with the other, but I need it. Why can't anything go my way?


Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Breaking the Natural Order

I knew this was a possibility and I thought I was prepared, but the news just came and hit me. My little sister (by three years), who is my best friend just told me that she is starting to try to conceive. I knew this was coming. I have been mentally preparing for this for a while now. We are always three years behind each other. We follow the same order. We both got married at 24/25 and started to try at 27/28, I knew this was coming. I shouldn't be upset, I should be happy for her that she is ready to take that step, but I can't help but feel overwhelmed, anxious and upset. Why now? Why one month before my FET? This is the best shot I have ever had to success and now I feel like I have entered a race that I don't want to participate in.

I don't have the right to ask her to wait. I think she has put her life on hold for far too long, but seriously, what's one more month? My sister is an amazing person and a great friend. She has stood by me every step of the way and has been my cheerleader for every treatment, result and breakdown. I know she was waiting for me to get pregnant, but maybe that will never happen so she has to do what she needs to do. This is so fucking hard.

I am not only the oldest child in the family, but the eldest grandchild as well. I should be pregnant first. We planned it this way. We always wanted to be new mothers together, we just wanted my child to be a couple of months older.

Up until now, we have kept our infertility pretty secretive. Only our immediate family knows, but I have an extremely close extended family and they will all know of my failure and infertility if she gets pregnant first. I won't be able to deal with that. I try to keep things private to protect them. I don't think my grandparents (I know I am so lucky to have three grandparents) would handle it if they knew how broken I feel and how many times I have failed. They will look at me differently and pity me. I will not be able to take that. I have put up with a lot and I am a fighter, but this is braking me and I don't know if I can continue to fight. I know its not over, and that I may be worrying for nothing, but isn't it just my luck that it will work on the first try?

I don't want this to change our relationship, but I fear it will. Every time I look at her, I will wonder if she is pregnant. I will analyze what she eats, how she sits and if her hands are covering her stomach, and how she acts. I fear this will put added stress on me that I was so trying to avoid. I truly love my sister and wish only the best for her, which is why I am so scared. I would like to think that I will be able to be happy for her, but I honestly don't know if that's true. In a way this news is so much worse than my stupid fertile friends announcing actual pregnancies. I hate being only the childless one. I hate it. I hate that infertility has ripped my friendships away from me. I hate that I am bitter and jealous. I hate myself sometimes. In the past month, two best friends have announced their pregnancies, one gave birth and my sister is now trying; how much more am I expected to take? So much for being positive!


Tuesday, April 6, 2010

You Tube

When I am home with not much to do, I spend my days surfing the net. I am a bit of a junkie that way. I have recently gotten in to watching You Tube videos and I have found quite a few that speak about infertility. A. has come home quite a bit lately and caught me crying and sometimes laughing to these videos. Here are some of my top picks and I hope you enjoy.

**Please note that some of the videos are emotional by nature and anyone feeling raw or vulnerable may want to skip.**

1. Pregnant women are smug - great for a good laugh. I am dying to send this to my fertile friends, but not sure if they would find it as funny as I do.

2. Egg Donor Child- this video is a must see for anyone going through or considering egg donation. It is an interview with a child who was conceived through egg donation.

3. My Aunt Jane Knows More than my RE- a commical song about those WTF comments that fertiles say.

4. A Year in the Life of Infertility- a woman's story told through the song Season of Love from Rent.

5. I'm Here Without Baby- facts and information about infertility.

6. Wedding Dance- this has nothing to do with infertility, but I just LOVE it. It makes me smile every time I watch it.

If you have other videos that you think I (or others) would enjoy, please share. Thanks!


Monday, April 5, 2010

Happy Birthday A.

A. turns 36 today! I can't believe it. I have always felt that he was old (compared to me), but he is now in his mid thirties, while I am still a young thirty. He is unaffected by his age, probably because he doesn't have a biological clock ticking away, but I guess that's a good thing. When I turned the big 3-0 this year it was such a slap in the face. I just kept thinking about the milestones that I have not yet achieved. But I am not going to dwell or focus on that. I am being more positive these days, remember?

A. has always been a jokester. He loves to make people laugh-especially me. It is one of the things I love about him. I wanted to make him laugh too so I gave him this card:

I wanted to do something special for A. tonight. I am going to make him a nice dinner, and have a quiet evening at home. Usually I would grill up a steak, but I didn't plan this so well tonight. When I went to the supermarket they were sold out. So, we had BBQ chicken wings, mashed potatoes and roasted brussels sprouts. I even indulged and had a wee bit of wine (sshh, don't tell Schoolie). It was really a nice night.

After dinner we are going to cuddle on the couch watching one of our favourite shows, 24 and just be together. What could be better?


Sunday, April 4, 2010

I'm Getting my Mojo Back

I have been in a funk lately. On and off for three years actually. I have moments where I feel totally deflated and defeated by my infertility and then I have moments where I can go out and live like the rest of the world (well almost). I have decided to try and rejoin the living. Over the years, infertility has affected me in ways I didn't even realize. I have a decreased libido, my clothes and wedding rings don't fit the way they used to (I think I have gained 15 pounds), my thoughts about my job and career are different and of course, my relationships with friends have been tested.

This weekend I had enough of letting infertility run my life, I was going to take it back. The first step, reconnecting with A. I have been on edge lately which hasn't been easy to live with. I am moody, emotional and erratic at times, I honestly don't know how he puts up with me. I am also extremely sensitive these days and the jokes and comments that are said to lighten the mood, just don't. They put me in funk for what seems like days. Thursday night was my mikve night. It was special as I got to incorporate another custom. There is a belief by some, that say if you dip in the water directly after a woman in her ninth month of pregnancy, it should bring you that extra special blessing. My friend (who is having her fifth child any moment), just happened to be available and we went together. It was spiritual, and meaningful and put me in a positive mood. I believe it started me on this upward positivity. I went home to A. ready to be together. I feel like often our intimacy has been tainted by trying to get pregnant, that we or I have forgotten what it was like to just have fun. Well, I remembered. I am still remembering. In fact, this weekend I have remembered a lot.

I am smiling for the first time that I can remember and it feels great. I am so hoping this trend of happiness and enjoyment and calm continues. I know that this month leading up to the transfer will be stressful at times, but I am going to try and be optimistic and hope for the outcome that A. and I so desperately want.


Saturday, April 3, 2010

Blog Hopping?

I thought I would try this out. Not quite sure how it works, but we will see.

MckLinky Blog Hop

What Do You Think?

In today's paper, this article was published. It is about a new agency (or a new service provided) that deals with embryo donation. Currently in Canada, it is illegal to buy or sell human organs - eggs and embryos included. Not sperm though, that is ok. It is very difficult to complete an anonymous donor egg cycle in Ontario (where I am), which is why many patients (like myself) choose to go to clinics outside of the country.

For me, I like the idea of egg donation opposed to embryo donation for these reasons:
1. No genetic connection for either recipient.
2. Usually they are worse quality embryos and therefore success rates will fluctuate.
3. Different screening and psychological process for both donor and recipient.

For many couples, embryo donation is an option. It is a way for them to achieve their goal of starting a family. The agency fee of $13,500 makes this unattainable for many, many families who need this option. I am not sure I understand the high cost involved and this angers me. In egg donation, I understand the cost. I strongly believe that the donor should be compensated as well as the fees surrounding the cycle itself. In embryo donation, the the cycle is completed, the donor couple receives no compensation and aside from legal fees, there should be little cost involved.

I am so frustrated that once again, starting a family comes with a large price tag. I feel so fortunate and lucky that A. and I were able to cycle once with donor eggs, but my heart aches for those who simply cannot afford this option and would choose it. It just isn't fair. I am not sure if this agency will be attainable to many couples either.


Friday, April 2, 2010

I Spoke too Soon

When I was at my last session with my social worker, she asked me how I was feeling towards my friends. My response was ok. I am trying to not isolate myself and am even making plans to see people. I am in a pretty good place, as I am finally in a groove where no one in my immediate circle is pregnant. Well, that isn't actually true, A. has one cousin, and there is the bridesmaid and a good friend who lives out of town, but no one in my direct local circle. I realized that for one whole month, no one was pregnant. I guess it had to come crashing down eventually.

I spent the day with a close friend today shopping and hanging out. It was nice to get out of my funk and spend some quality girl time with her and my credit card. I even allowed myself to purchase clothing - something that I love to do, but since TTC, don't really do anymore. This friend has two girls (4 and 2) and I think of them as my nieces. She also has suffered two ectopic pregnancies in the last year (the first one being the day after my chemical pregnancy which I got the call about at her house while I was comforting her about her pregnancy). I know she has wanted a third child and that it has been a struggle for her, but there are two major differences between her and me:
1. In the past year since we both lost our pregnancies, she has conceived a total of 3 times while I have conceived 0 times.
2. She has 2 beautiful daughters at home.

In the car on the way home from shopping (I am driving) she tells me her great news. I am less than excited and my congratulation's probably showed that, but it did not stop her from going on and on and on about this for what seemed like an eternity. I am finding it hard to hold back the tears. I can't believe this is happening to me. This friend knows about my IF struggles and is almost up to date with the situation (knows about CCRM IVF, not DE). I can't believe that she truly thought this was the best way to tell me about being pregnant, she didn't account for my feelings at all. She knows how much I want one child, and how hard and long I have tried, but still no regard. It also bothers me because she is only six weeks. She is not telling anyone else. Why the hell is she telling me then? It is not fair to put the burden of me keeping a secret and not having anyone to grieve with. I am angry about this.

This is one of my closest and oldest friends and we have been through a lot together which is why I am in shock of how she treated me. What does she expect from me? That I will be there to pick up the pieces if the worst should god forbid happen, because right now I am not strong enough for that. I can barely get myself out of bed some days and other days I feel like I daze through the day holding back the tears ready to crumble at the smallest inkling of bad news. I am truly happy for her and wish her nothing but the best and a healthy easy pregnancy, but I just can't help thinking that this was selfish of her. I dropped her off and as soon as the car pulled away, I started crying (bawling actually). It lasted for fifteen minutes straight and then on and off again for hours. I was worried to tell A. that he would think I was overreacting to the situation, but he was surprisingly comforting and agreed that it was not right of her.

At least that was one good thing to come out of this.


Thursday, April 1, 2010

I'm a Hormonal Mess

I can't stop crying. I am not sad. I am happy- for the most part, but I can't stop crying. Every little touching moment that I hear about, read about, or watch on TV brings me to tears instantly. Today I was catching up on some TV with the show, Parenthood, (I know bad for us IFers), but an entertaining drama series none the less. Anyway, there is a child character with Autism (although they never outright mention this) and he makes the winning catch in the baseball game, instant tears. I was reading a blog today and she described a magical moment, instant tears. My sister told me a touching love story, instant tears. Lately, it seems like all I do is cry.

I am not a softie. I would not be what you would call emotional, however, I can't stop this freaking crying. I can only attribute it to the estrogen, but it is unsettling at times. I guess this is one more way that infertility has kicked my ass.