Sunday, July 31, 2011

A Camera

When A and I got married seven years ago, we were gifted with a So.ny Cyb.ershot digital camera. We have had the same camera ever since. Back when we got it, it was an awesome camera. We took it on our honeymoon and used it when ever the opportunity for pictures has come up, however as with all technology, it is now much out dated, slow and doesn't have the capability of capturing all the spontaneous moments. Needless to say, for years now, my technology snob husband has been dying for a new camera.

A camera to me (as like most technology) is just an item. I am just as happy to use my BB camera or A's i.Phone camera as I am to use a high end SLR - not that I would even know how to use an SLR. But for A, it has been his dream since we started talking about TTC that we would one day get a new camera. When we were still in the honeymoon of trying to start our family, I allowed us to have conversations about cameras and other baby related items that we may need, but as the treatments kept failing, the years kept passing and the devastation kept building, the word camera would literally send me over the edge.

Camera became the blanket term used to describe our dreams of family. When A brought up the idea of getting a new camera, I would find myself enraged because from where I stood, I couldn't ever really picture myself needing a camera. I think it was around the time when we first decided to go to CO for treatment where the word camera was officially banned from our vocabulary. It was just too sore of a subject to be brought up.

This weekend we were once again gifted with a camera. It is a new, fast, SLR camera ready to capture all those precious moments that we have dreamed of for so long. As I watched my husband tear open the box I likened him to how I picture a kid on Christmas morning. Overly excited, emotional and ecstatic. You see, for us, a camera is not just a camera..its what it represents.

34 weeks today and waiting not so patiently to finally meet my beautiful little girl, Little Miss IT.


Thursday, July 28, 2011


I'm going to loose my mind, seriously I don't know how much more stress I can take. I had an OB appointment today and Little Miss IT is not growing appropriately. She has dropped to the 16th%ile and has fallen below our growth chart curve. Right now we are in a holding pattern. Weekly ultrasounds to monitor fluid and blood levels with non stress tests thrown in, but growth ultrasounds every two weeks. If at any time, her growth is not making progress I will be officially diagnosed with IUGR and she will be taken out. My dr predicted in two weeks. Two weeks! Holy shit.

My head is spinning right now. I was not prepared for this. I was planning on a huge baby, because, hey, that's what happens with GD, um not the other direction. I shouldn't be shocked or even surprised by this. I mean, of course I'm going to get all the complications. I shouldn't be surprised.

I asked my dr if the growth issue could be related to DS and he said yes, but not likely. Apparently, babies with DS usually have a small abdominal growth, LMI issues is her head. He told me again that it's not too late for the amnio, but my reasons for not doing it the first time, are still valid and so we will just wait it out,but it's getting so fucking hard to get these thoughts out of my head - especially now.

I'm stressed and I know that it is not healthy for me or LMI, so I trying really hard to just live in the moment and relax. A is totally on board with this attitude and he is doing everything in his power to help me remain calm. We are even going to spend Saturday afternoon at the spa and then go for a nice dinner. I'm really looking forward to that.

I still feel so incredibly blessed that I even have these worries to stress about, but seriously, how much more do I have to take? All I want is a healthy baby, is that really too much to ask for?


Thursday, July 21, 2011

Sorry for the Absence

I'm still here, reading and commenting on all your stories, but for some reason haven't felt much like posting here. Not really sure why. Maybe it's because Im not really sure what to write about, or maybe it's that I can't admit to myself what I want to write about. Either way, I've been quiet.

Things on the pregnancy front having been moving along. Since reaching 32 weeks last Sunday, I am now feeling movement more frequently and intensely. I am not at the point where I can distinguish a kick from a hiccup or an arm from a leg, but can surely tell when a hard body part is poking me. I still find the movement kind of creepy. I mean when you think of it, it. But, it is has also helped me bond more with my Little Miss. I continue to have regular ultrasounds (thank you OB) and it is so amazing to see the change in LMI from week to week. She's now weighing over 3.5 pounds, but just like her mom is still pretty petite. The GD is the only issue giving me a real kick in the pants right now. To be honest it sucks. I am following the diet and exercising daily, but it's not working. After my first week on the Met.formin I was put on insulin. We all knew this was going to happen. I started out at 3 shots a day at the lowest dose, I'm now up to 4 shots a day with regular increasings. I feel like a failure. I am doing everything that they Drs and dietitian say, but still my body is not responding. I'm hungry all the time, but can only eat in 2 hour increments because I need to have accurate testings of my blood sugar. It is a lot harder than I anticipated and although I know that this is what I need to do for LMI to be healthy and I'm doing it, it really sucks.

We have also made some progress on the nursery! The room was cleaned out on the weekend and the first coat of paint was done on Monday. It already looks and feels so different. I'm hoping the stripes get done today or tomorrow and thence can begin hanging the drapes and chandelier. The furniture won't be here until the end of September, but I'm excited that at least this part will be complete. Once it's finished I will definitely post some pics. As we were deciding on furniture and placement, we moved a large office chair into the room to act as a glider. I find myself sitting in that chair and visualizing what it will be like to sit and cuddle with LMI in her beautiful nursery. The images are powerful and overwhelming. I'm starting to get really excited to meet her and begin the long overdue next chapter of our lives.

I'm freaking nervous. About everything, but mostly about LMI. It is never far from my mind that she may have DS. I worry about her and her quality of life. I worry about me and A and how we are going to handle it and I worry about myself and the initial reaction that will happen. Please don't judge me, if you haven't been in this place, you can't possible understand. A and I are committed to her and will love her NO MATTER WHAT, but we also know that it will be our biggest challenge yet. We have no new evidence to imply that she has DS and in fact, all of our ultrasounds show her to be perfect (which she will be regardless), but the worry is never far from my mind. Unlike my usual self, I haven't really allowed myself to google and research a ton on this. Maybe I'm in denial, or maybe it's because in my heart I believe everything will be ok, whatever the reason now that we are so close to finally meeting her, I'm scared. It's hard for me to talk about this with A or anyone else, because people just don't worry, or it will be fine, but the truth is no one knows.

That's basically where I'm at right now. Feeling movement, getting super excited and being anxious at the same time.



This is a conversation that my sis had with her fertile friend yesterday, hope it gives you the same laugh it gave me:

Sis: how's so-and-so doing, is she pregnant?
Friend: no, actually she's been having some trouble, she has to start clomidya next month
Sis: I think you mean clomid
Friend: hay, I knew that didn't sound right

Oh to be an ignorant fertile, LOL.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

What's a Baby Step?

I seem to have crossed over from doing absolutely nothing, to instant nursery and other items. I know complete 360. This past weekend A and I ventured into the world of baby shopping. We hit a total of five stores in two days and have made almost all decisions. As of now, we ordered our nursery furniture (white crib, dresser and night table from Hubb.ard - Canadian comp.), chose a glider (white wood glider with yellow padding from Ch.air - MTL this is SO nit my style either, but due to my height it was the most comfortable ;)), settled on the stroller ( and car seat ( I also picked a dark purple paint colour for the walls, ordered drapery from PBKids and found an amazing yellow and purple stripe crib sheet from Ser.ena and Wow, it was exhausting, but we had some fun too.

I must be nesting because I was in overdrive. Yes, A was the one who felt we needed to get everything done (as did many of the furniture stores), but I'm impressed that I actually did it without falling apart or hyperventilating.

A has been so cute these past few weeks, his excitement is really coming through and I love that. When we bought our house, I did ALL the decorating without so much as an opinion from him, now he wants to be involved in every decision, not because he doesn't trust me, but because he's so excited.

I also realized that we are so completely unprepared for bringing home a baby so I have started doing some research. I inquired about enrolling in an infant CPR course, but the offered through my hospital is at the end of August so that won't work. Apparently they offer the class through other hospitals so I will see if we can do it that way (I also am going to find out about a private option too). Aside from this, we are still committed to forgoing the prenatal class, however I am leaning towards getting my hands on a good book. I'm looking for something that will cover everything I need to know from labour and beyond - suggestions are SO welcome.

That's where things stand for now, making progress and starting to get used to the idea that pretty soon LMI is coming!


Thursday, July 7, 2011

All About GD

I had my first of many appointments with my new OB Endo (Dr Endo). We went over my 3 GD tests and it was officially confirmed that I am indeed, gestationally diabetetic.

She spent time taking my history, looking over my sugar readings from the past week and then as I suspected spoke the magic My fear has come to life. Luckily for me, I had already begun researching other options and asked about Met.formin (my favourite of all IF drugs), she was quite receptive to the idea and we decided to give it a try. I am to take 2 pills (breakfast and dinner) everyday for a week while maintaining my GD diet with each meal followed by at least 10 min of walking or other exercise. We will re asses in a week and may push me to 3 pills a day (however I suspect that if zero improvement is shown, then I will be on insulin faster than I can say, I hate needles).

Dr. Endo also asked about my weight gain, so far at 30w3d I have put on 20 pounds. She said that is right on target. An average weight person needs to put on 20-30 pounds total during pregnancy and she will be monitoring my weight very closely for the remainder.

I have come to terms, unwillingly but none the less with my GD. It definitely sucks, but after all that I have been through to finally get to this place, its not the end of the world and I am going to suck it up and deal.

So enough about my GD, here's the important info for those that may find themselves in a similar situation:

- failing the one hour glucose test does not mean a GD diagnosis - many people pass the extended test

- you are a higher risk for developing GD if you:
* a previous diagnosis of GD or delivery of a large baby
* being a member of a high risk population - Aboriginal, Hispanic, South Asian, Asian and African descent
* being 35 years or older
* being obese
* a history of PCOS
(I met none of this criteria, so don't think you are automatically spared)
- the first course of treatment is diet and lifestyle changes.
* daily exercise, especially after each meal
* eating 3 meals a day combined with snacks between meals
* eating a bedtime snack (most important snack)
* counting carbs - limiting the amount of carbs per meal

- you may be required to check and monitor you glucose levels (I check 4x a day). This is done by a finger prick and is not painful

- if diagnosed with GD you have a 1/5 chance of developing Diabetes Type 2 within 8 years, therefore regular monitoring and lifestyle/diet changes should be continued

- there are different drug treatment options available and you should speak with your Dr on what is appropriate for you

- the dietitian told me about the 'pizza theory', basically even if you portion out the carbs exactly, use low fat cheese and whole grain crust, you will still get a high reading. Therefore - pizza not the best option for a GD diet.

- the most important: YOU DID NOT CAUSE GD. It is directly related to your hormones and how much insulin your pancreas is producing. Eating shit food while pg did not cause this.

- I am working on some new lower carb recipes and thinking of some higher protein non-meat related snacks, if you have any ideas I would love to hear them.


(Please remember that I am not a medical professional, just passing along the info I received.)

Sunday, July 3, 2011

The Big 3-0

My 27th birthday was spent waiting in anxiousnanticipation for my consult with the RE after nine months of unprotected sex. My 28th birthday was spent hopeful that each IUI would bring me closer to a pregnancy. My 29th birthday was spent at the IVF clinic on the operating table for my first IVF retrieval. I remember the RE and nursing staff singing me happy birthday as the pain meds were only starting to kick in AFTER the procedure. I went home that day full of hope because surely, IVF works for everyone on their first try? My 30th birthday was spent in depression. I had just failed my fourth IVF, first one at the world famous, you doesn't get knocked up here, CC.RM, which was also my last ever cycle with my own eggs. As if that wasn't enough, turning thirty then seemed like a death sentence in terms of fertility. My last birthday - 31 was spent recovering from a miscarriage while gearing up for my last FETbegore signing on to use a GC. Last last 4+ years have totally sucked. So much so that I no longer wait for my birthday or wish it so, the numbers get bigger and the pain is still real.

Today marks a new day. I turned 30 weeks pregnant today. It was the first time in a long time where seeing a thirty didn't piss me off, send me over the edge to a depression or cause a hormonally induced anger fit. It felt awesome. This is starting to get real now. A and I are slowly dipping our feet in the we need to get shit before this baby comes pond. We took a first step last week. We walked into a Bab.ies R Us store to have a quick peak. Holy shit. To say that I was a little overwjhelmed would be an understatement. A. was in his dream world happier than a pig in shit to finally be looking at stuff for us, while I was terrified. But we did it. We managed to pick a stroller ( Vis.ta - orange) and have decided that when the time is right, we will start a registry there.

We haven't really done a thing to get our house ready for Little Miss IT. Her nursery will be in A.'s office so we need to clear out his stuff, and get the room fixed nice and pretty. I'm thinking of doing dark purple walls (with a mat/high gloss stripe) and white furniture. I'm planning to accent with yellow. Any paint choice suggestions from Ben.jamin are appreciated! Ats as far as I've gotten. I have NO idea where we are going to buy the crib and dresser from, or get bedding or anything else that she may need. We haven't started investigating carseats or other infant care monitors and if (please no) she came today, we would be completely unprepared.

Over the last few days I have been getting myself accustomed to the idea that I need to step up my involvement. Not just for me, but for A. He is so looking forward to decorating a nursery (not because he gives a shit about decor or paint, but for the other obvious reason) that I need to do this for him, for me and for LMI. Maybe this change is happening because with all the other shit that has happened out of my control, this is the one area where I can be prepared, or maybe because she seems to be waaaaay more a drive than before and it is hard to ignore (not that I want to) or maybe hitting 30 weeks is making this rel as she coming in the next two months and time will move fast. Whatever the reason, I'm getting excited.


On a separate note, I am SO FUCKING THRILLED for LisainSK and her hubby A on the safe arrival of LN10. If you haven't done so already, p,ease go wish them a huge congrats.


I have so much more to say about my GD, but will wait until after my appointment with endo dr, but thanks for all the love and support.