Tuesday, April 26, 2011


A and I spent last night and this morning going back and forth between doing the amnio vs not. We decided today that we are not willing to risk a miscarriage and therefore not going to do the amnio. This decision is not an easy one as there are ramifications that will last forever, but for us it is the lesser of two evils.

We spoke with the genetics dr at the lab where the results came from and she said that she would trust the NT results from the OB's office over the RE. Again, my OB is part of a MFM clinic (Sunnybrook) which is one of the best in Canada so I feel extremely comfortable in trusting their technology, technicians and drs. She also reiterated the point that a 1:55 is still a 98% chance that nothing is wrong and that even with a 1:2500, there is always the chance that you are the 1. I think if we had learned this result a few weeks ago (like 5-7) our feelings towards doing the amnio would be different. The thought of labouring a miscarriage (healthy or not) or having a therapeutic abortion (as they call it in the medical world) are two options that A. and I can not handle - especially since it will be a viable fetus by that point. That pretty much sealed the deal for us.

I am still really freaked out, stressed, nervous and angry...but have that same sense of calm I get once I know my plan. A. has all the faith and confidence in the world that everything will be ok and I am hoping he is right. I can't deal with his overly flowerly rainbows and positivity right now, and thankfully he gets that. I told him that all the positive progress I had made over the weekend is now gone and probably won't return. I am ok with that. Everything was going smoothly when I was living in pregnancy denial and not attaching myself so I am going back to that place.

I am sure that over the next four months, I will have moments (many many moments) where I second guess this decision and probably vent about it here, but right now I am comfortable with the choice I made. I just can't take the risk of a miscarriage - especially when the odds are in my favour that everything will be ok. Do we want a child with Down Syndrome or any other special needs? No, of course not, but we will love her and take care of her and be the best parents we can be if that is the next hurdle that life throws our way. At this point, we are out of time and out of options. I will not terminate a viable pregnancy and will not put myself at increased risk for a miscarriage. Little Miss IT is too precious and as her mommy it is my job to protect her.

Thank you for sharing your personal stories, thoughts, prayers and opinions with me. The different perspectives definitely helped make this decision. It was not easy and I truly believe that there is no right or wrong here, it is just what is right for us right now.


Monday, April 25, 2011

It Dropped

I knew I shouldn't let myself believe in miracles...or read that book. I read one fucking chapter and disaster has hit. I get a call from the OB's office this morning that my Dr. has requested I go see him to discuss my test results. Um what?! The receptionist wouldn't give me any information as to what results so I called A., my sister and dad in full on hyperventilation mode. Luckily dad was able to get a hold of the dr who said there was a discrepancy between my first NT Scan results and his.

I knew this was going to happen. I predicted this exact scenario two months ago which is why I asked not to be told the results from the REs office. To recap, RE measured the NT fluid at 2.6 and OB at 1.7. OB did FST screening and the results came back in two weeks with a risk of 1:2400. RE did IPS screening, but when I didnt go back for the second set of bloodwork, the lab did FST and the results were just sent to the OB. The risk came back at 1:55. Holy fuck. Cue instant hyperventilating and extreme crying.

We managed to get a hold of the RE scan from the radiologist and after careful review, my OB trusts his results as the other was over magnetized and unable to get a clear view - but I don't know. You can't unheard a number like 1:55. All the bloodwork came back with the same normal readings on both tests and the other information was comparable as well.

In my logical head I know not to trust the RE. I know that they have fucked me over time and time again, but still. OB stands by his scan, but I just don't know what to do. Inam debating an amnio. On the one hand we find out definitively whether or not the baby has Downs, but there is a 1:900 risk of miscarriage. My OB is an MFM and has done thousands of amnios, but there is still a risk. He told me with an amnio you get the results in 2 days, but Then you have the added worry of miscarriage. I honestly don't know what I would do if I learned that my baby had Downs. I am not sure if I would terminate or not, not sure if I feel comfortable bringing an unhealthy child into the world, not sure how I feel about knowing in advance over not knowing. There are so many thoughts in my head that I just don't know what to think or do. All I know is that if I do have the amnio and miscarry regardless of the findings I won't recover, but if I don't I'm not sure how I will survive the next 16ish weeks.

I don't need any judgement, just advice. What would you do? I knew this was all too good to be true!


Sunday, April 24, 2011


I am not your stereotypical teacher. I don't love reading. I like it and have found some books that I devoured in a day, "The Kite Runner" for example is at the top of my list as well as some others, but on the whole reading is just not something that I crave...unless it's mindless chick lit (don't make fun). My favorite series would have to be "Shopaholic" - of course. My BFF and I have read each book in a matter of hours and always managed to purchase the newest one immediately after release. So far my favorite is still the original, but there is one book left that I just haven't been able to read, "Shopaholic and Baby".

The release date was 2007, the same year we began TTC and at first I wanted to wait to read it until I was pregnant. But obviously that didn't happen. At the time BFF wasn't married so waiting to read the book didn't seem realistic, but in was pretty sure I would be reading it within a few months. After at least a year I put the book away in a drawer as it was just another reminder of my stupid IF controlling me and not letting me do what I wanted.

This week I found the book. I have glanced at it a few days and even put it on my nightstand, but still haven't felt the urge to read...until right now. Something is definitely happening to me. I am beginning to feel more comfortable with the idea that I am pregnant and will be a mom...soon. It started with the anatomy scan (like you said it would) and finding out the sex and then starting to feel movement. Since my placenta is anterior (at the front) they told me not expect to feel anything for a while, so this is really a surprise. Today marks my halfway point - 20 weeks and to be able to feel Little Miss IT move has brought me to a new level. A place of happiness and excitement about what is ahead.

I know that for the remainder of this pregnancy I be scared and on edge, but I am ready to take the next step. I am finally ready to pick up my book that I have waited so long to read.


Thursday, April 21, 2011

All Good

Today was a big day. I didn't sleep much in anticipation and was pretty tired during the scan - I think it was better this way. We got to the hospital right for 10am and we were brought into the ultrasound room within 5 minutes. A. was able to come in the room so he was my eyes. The sonographer was nice enough, however she didn't talk much. At times she said, "here is the bladder" or "this is the kidney", but that was it. All I could tell was IT was moving a lot. So much that she couldn't get all her measurements. The radiologist was called in.

Insert panic stricken face here.

She was lovely. She explained that so far everything looked good, but they just needed a few more measurements. Found them instantly! When the scan was over, we were given a picture (no profile as IT wouldn't stay still long enough) and then we met with the OB.

He reaffirmed that everything looked normal and good. My placenta is in the right place, not far down, no sign of previa of any kind and I also asked him (made him) check my cervix which he said was firm and closed.

I now feel a little more relaxed and calm. I know the next four weeks leading to viability will be stressful, but I can handle it. I am so incredibly grateful for all of this. Thank you for all the support as always.

And now I present to you...

Little Miss IT

And her mommy...


Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Today was spent organizing my receipts for filling my taxes. I started off with a stack a mile high of receipts, bills, invoices, etc and I instantly became overwhelmed by the enormity of it all. As I began sorting through the re opts I was taken back to each moment. I remembered the hotel stays, meals and shopping trips. I pictured myself in the transfer room, having the acupuncture treatments pre and post transfers and sitting in the office speaking with the Dr. after the latest devastating news.

2010 was the worst year of my life. Spending the afternoon with the reminders literally tore my heart out. As I reached for an envelope containing my massage receipts I was surprised to find the ultrasound pictures from last May. I didn't realize I had kept reminders of that pregnancy. It is still so painful and at times feels so fresh. It brought me right back to the darkest place - a time where my faith in myself, my body, modern medicine and of course my marriage was shattered. A place I hope to never return to.

I still can't believe or understand how I got to this new place. I am jaded and scared about this pregnancy all the time. Yes, I have moments where I allow myself to think that this may actually have a happy ending, but most of the time I don't go there. A. has been really supportive of my nervousness, but he (rightly so) is sick and tired of letting IF and fear dictate our lives. He is right, but I have a hard time letting go of my years of disappointment and believing that this time is different.

Everyday I am amazed at how my body is changing and adapting to pregnancy. I am getting bigger and it is a thrill ton watch it happen. But what will tomorrow bring?

Tomorrow is our anatomy scan and we plan to find out the gender. More importantly it is supposed to the turning point for me in terms of my attitude towards this pregnancy. If I learn that everything is ok and progressing as it should than I am going to try really hard to get my hard and heart in a better place. Maybe I will even rub my belly? Please let tomorrow go well. Please please please.


Sunday, April 17, 2011


No, not for a baby...for Passover! This weekend was spent cleaning for Pesach. We literally scrubbed every inch of our kitchen and removed all the wheat/yeast/bread - chometz from the house. A. was a huge help as usually I do most of the cleaning, but I couldn't do everything this year. I will admit that it is nice to have a house that has just been "spring cleaned" from head to toe.

Aside from the cleaning I also did all my food shopping. We restock our fridge and pantry with only Kosher For Passover products so it is a big deal and quite expensive, but what can you do. This afternoon I decided to get a head start on my baking so I made this. I hope it tastes as good as it looks! The only difference was that I made a crust out. Of ground nuts and sugar - no flour. I think that will be fine.

My plan for the rest of today and tomorrow is to rest as much as possible so that I will be all set for the Seders. I think back to last year and remember gearing up for my DE FET and how filled with hope I was. I am in a much different place this year, but the feeling of hope is still there. As I reflect on the meaning behind Passover - when God brought the Jews out of slavery - I feel that I too was brought out from my slavery. My IF plagued me. It brought out the worst in me and took me to dark sad scary places that I didn't know existed. I continue to be scared to death every day for this pregnancy, but am also extremely grateful that I am finally in this place. Today marks 19 weeks, can you believe it? I still can't.

To those that celebrate I wish you a Chag Sameach - Happy and Healthy Passover.


Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Recap of Events

My brother's wedding was beautiful. He was the handsome groom and she, the stunning bride. They looked so in love and happy. I can't believe my baby brother (25) is now a married man...oh how I feel old. The weekend was filled with family events and good times all around. My dress came out beautifully and it managed to give me a waist! It is still so unbelievable to me that I finally wore the maternity to a wedding. There have been so many 'what ifs' over the past five years that it was a bit surreal to actually be wearing a dress in the correct size for once. During cocktail hour it was a bit too much for me to handle emotionally at times. There were many guests who I haven't seen since they heard our news and the congratulations and heart felt thoughts were overwhelming. I didn't cry, but I did need to take some time for myself. It was just another reminder of how long people have actually been waiting for this news. I am so lucky to have so many people who care about and love A. and myself.

Yesterday I had a follow-up appointment with the OB Internist to check on my blood pressure. It came in board line at 140/90. She again reminded me that between 20-24 weeks the blood pressure naturally drops and we need to see where mine lands at that point. I am to take my pressure once daily at home for the next two weeks and then go back.


Today was my dreaded eye appointment to check on the fluid around the macula. Thankfully the specialist didn't see any fluid and told me eye is normal! Such a relief. I have been so terribly worried about that needle going into my eye I have lost sleep over it. Crisis averted. Next stop...cyst eyelid draining on Tuesday and anatomy scan on Thursday!


Saturday, April 9, 2011

Lots Going On

I have full on pregnancy brain. I can't find my words and I am forgetting everything these days. Sometimes it's funny (for others to watch), but like on Wednesday it was so not. I wore a hairband - something that doesn't happen regularly and it literally threw me off my game. It was sunny when I was driving to work so I put my glasses on top of my head and put on my sunglasses. When I got to work, I couldn't find my glasses. I could see enough to not fall over or anything, but everything was a blur and in had a terrible headache from squinting. After work was when it happened. I had a hormonal breakdown. I was in the car with A. and i lost it. We were on our way to the rehearsal for my brother's wedding and the tears and emotional crying just started flowing. I was hysterical that I wouldn't be able to see the wedding and how I don't have time to get new glasses. We called my optometrist at home and figured out a plan. I calmed down a bit. The next morning I found my glasses on my nightstand. The stupid hairband confused me and inlet the house without them. I felt like a complete idiot.

I still needed to see the eye Dr as I have a cyst like thing on my lid and I needed a new prescription so I went Thursday after work. The cyst turns onto be no big deal, but it will need to be drained -OUCH, but more concerning was what else he found. Fluid is now around my macula. Apparently this is bad and can be cause by...................stress. Why would i have stress? Oh fuck. I have an appointment set-up for this week with the specialist to figure this all out.

Last night was the stagette for my soon-to-be SIL. Her andd her friends are all early twenties so I was sure that pregnancy and babies wouldn't be a huge topic of conversation. I was wrong. I overhears one of her friends saying something aboutnshe will never have a child and that of course she would have problems. I did interrupt to her and told her to not worry herself right now (she been married for a month). She said that today she was told by a OBGYN that she has a 40% chance conceiving. I again told her to not listen to an OBGYN and go see a RE if she has legitimate concerns. She then asked if I have " done the fertility meds" oh honey you have no idea..." yes". I left it at that as I didn't think it was the appropRiate time to get intoit, but plan to connect with her this weekend and help her understand her options and answer any questions she may have.


It's my brother's wedding tomorrow! I'm so excited. The wedding will be at a hotel so A. and I will be staying over for two nights. Infeel like we are getting a stay cation. And it couldn't come at a better time.


Sunday, April 3, 2011

Let's Talk About...

S-E-X! (This is going to be a TMI kind of post so consider yourself forewarned)

I have been petrified to have sex or anything close to that since I found out I was pregnant. Seriously, the last time we did the deed was back on Christmas Day. A. being a typical male wanted to for some time, but totally understood my reasons for being scared shitless of the idea so we abstained. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy sex and have thought about it..a lot, but my fears have taken over. When I went to the OB this week I asked about it and he said it was ok...so last night, ahem (awkward pause) we finally did it.

I have heard that sex while pregnant feels different (for the better), but honestly, it didn't. It wasn't bad or anything, but I was just so nervous of pain or hurting IT or causing some sort of damage that I really couldn't get into it. Is this normal? It also started to get uncomfortable with my ever growing belly to find positions that worked.

So I ask, please tell me a)that you agree with the OB that sex is safe and b)how to do it so I am more comfortable.


In response to my last post, I'm guessing my views on sex clearly add to my loony status, but whatever. To those who inquired about my OB, I really like him. I don't think my thoughts about him came across to well. I though it was awesome that he knew that I would be anxious about the anatomy scan and therefore booked his follow-up for immediately after. He is an MFM and spends a lot of time with each of his patients answering all their questions, I just think he doesn't give in to unfounded worry (as in checking the cervix). Also in Canada, we don't just get tests and ultrasounds because we ask as we are a publicly funded healthcare system.

Friday, April 1, 2011

They Think I'm a Loony

Yup, the OB's office that is. I had my 16w appointment yesterday and thankfully all is still fine - although how they know I am still unsure. I am still not used to the inner workings of the OB office and I find myself treating it like an RE. I had the first appointment of the day, 9am so thinking it was like an RE, I got there at 8am so that I would truly be first. It so doesn't work like here. You just show up when its your appointment and then they take you. So weird. I actually met with three professionals yesterday - all think I'm nuts.

The first was the NP who went over the upcoming anatomy scan (April 21) and what to expect. She told me it is quite long and that I should bring snacks as sometimes the baby doesn't move enough for them to see all the organs. She explained that the ultrasound will be done on one day and then I am to come back later in the week to get the results and see the dr. Ok, I don't love this idea, but I didn't say anything about it. She then continued on with the appointment - checking my blood pressure (high) and then asking if I had any questions. I explained that I wanted my cervix checked to make sure that it was long and closed. She looked at me like I was crazy. I explained my fears and why I had them, but she still would not agree to check without some symptoms.

The second was the OB Internist who I see because of my blood pressure and acid reflux disease. I continue to take my reflux meds and therefore I haven't experienced additional GI problems...yet (I am told they are to come). This will be a serious problem when it occurs as I am already on very high prescription strength medications. Oh well, I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. We then talked about my blood pressure. I wore a 24 hr monitor a couple of weeks ago and the results were not great. Currently, my bp gets high during the work day, but does drop when I am at home. I asked for meds so that I don't have to worry about it, however she would rather wait. She explained that in pregnancy, our bp naturally drops between 20-24w pregnancy and she wants to wait to see what my body will do. I am to be monitored every two weeks though and adjustments to this plan may happen. She also said in passing that I should not get too comfortable at work - uh oh.

The third was the OB himself. He first spent a long time reorganizing my file (binder) and then meticulously read over the notes from the other two. He did not mention my cervix even though my concerns were written in his chart. He seems happy with my progress, however he did not use a Doppler or an ultrasound so how does he really know things are still ok? I know from my at home Doppler, but seriously? He then explained the anatomy scan to me in greater detail and told me that for me, I need to have both the scan and meeting with him on the same day. I like this better, but again didn't say anything. He wrote a long note in my file for the receptionist...I didn't understand at the time. When I went to book the appointments, the receptionist seemed puzzled. Apparently, at this clinic no one ever has their anatomy scan and dr appointment on the same day as it takes up too much time and screws up their entire day. Now I see that he really thinks I'm nuts and can't wait the extra two days in between. Fine by me.

Anyway, things continue to go well physically. Emotionally is another story. I had my appointment with SJ yesterday as well and she is starting to get concerned about the fact that I am not connecting with IT at all. She still is waiting until after the anatomy scan before really getting worried, but like her I am upset about it. I don't feel anything towards this - except fear. I still don't spend much time thinking about it, but I do find a reassurance in the Doppler although just knowing it is there is enough. I would love to hear stories from those of you who had similar trouble connecting and what helped.