Tuesday, November 29, 2011


Yesterday was LMI's hip ultrasound. It was scheduled to be done at the children's hospital. We are very fortunate that my city has a world renowned hospital that specializes in all things children - but, going there for your child is extremely overwhelming. The hospital looks like what every place dedicated to children should, big bright colours, kid friendly wall murals, friendly people and fun things for children to look at and play with. Not to mention, high quality excellent doctors.

I haven't been to this hospital in many many years - probably not since I was a child myself and so going there as a mom was an experience I won't soon forget. Even though we were only there for a non-invasive outpatient procedure, we were still there and it was quite scary.

The ultrasound was not bad at all. In fact, LMI had a huge smile on her face while she was smeared with the cold blue jelly on both of her hips. I left feeling optimistic about the results, but two hours later the pedi called with the news. Immature left hip. LMI needs to be seen by an orthopaedic dr and will most likely be fitted for a Pavlic harness.

I am beyond devastated.

As an IFer, I can handle a lot. I got through all the shit that was thrown at me - and remember, there was a lot. But this is my child. I ache when she suffers. I know in the grand scheme of things, this is not that big a deal, but for right now I am upset. I am just so sick of constantly being faced with challenges, can't I have a break, just once?

Today I am choosing to have a pity party and snuggle with LMI, tomorrow, I will pick myself up, do all my research and be ready to attack hip dysplasia with all I've got. LMI, you have nothing to worry about, your mommy is on the case.


P.S. if you have any experience with Pavlik harness I would love some specifics.

Thursday, November 24, 2011


LMI turned three months old this week. Everyday she is becoming more and more like her own unique person and less newborny. My favourite is when she stretches after a long nap or sleep - it is just so cute. She is now rolling over from her front to back, sitting in her Bum.bo chair, and cooing and swatting her toys. She is also awake for longer stretches in the afternoon/evening which is great for A as he gets some quality play time when he gets home from work. LMI is growing well and is gaining weight appripriately. She is now 9lbs5oz and 21" long - she is definitely on target to double her birth weight by five months. The ultrasound for her hip will be on Monday, but today the dr couldn't detect a click so I'm hopefully she will be fine. Her smiles are infectious and they brighten up my day. I love her more than I could have imagined.


I had an appointment with SJ last week. I explained to her that I am feeling out of place and unsure of where I fit in. Since LMI's conception and especially birth I have been treated differently. My IRL friends are now including me in all their "mommy" related buisness, I've been invited to more kids' birthday parties than I care to count and people talk to me about their plans for trying for another baby. Its weird. I dont feel a connection to these people - my friends. I'm still accepting all that I have been through and continue to go through. I still have resentment and anger. I love LMI more than anything, but the years leading up to meeting her were beyond horrible in more ways than one. I feel broken.

I also feel weird in this place. I once knew how Infit in, but now I'm not so sure. Yes I am IF but it feels almost wrong to say that. My sponatenous, out of the blue pregnancy changed my persepctive. Do I think it was 100% natural conception? No fucking way. The leftover hormones amd the biopsy played a part I am sure. I don't like telling my story becausenIndont want to give an IFer false hope. I know how extremely lucky and unique this was. It is not the norm and I dont pretend like it is. I also dont want non IFers to get the wrong impression - the just relax thoughts are so sickening. I almost wish IVF had worked It would be easier in many ways to explain a pregnancy.

SJ made me realize that most of my adult married life I had been working towards a goal - becomming a mother, that I didt have time to develop myself as an adult. I have the opportunity now to reshape my life. To focus on other things and do things for myself. I dont even know where to start. This is something that will take time and soul searching.

I know that I have lost readers since LMI. Maybe because I am becomming one of those mom bloggers who doesnt find the time to blog, or maybe I'm so boring now or maybe my story is too painful for you. Either way, I understand. To those that have continued to support me - THANK YOU. Your friendship means so much to me.


To all my cross border friends, I wish you a very happy Thanksgiving.


Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Fun in the Sun

My first trip to Florida with LMI was a success. We had a fantastic time and I was so proud of myself for going with her when she was so little and without A no less. Both flights were fairly easy. The first she literally slept the whole time (don't breastfeed during take and landing if they're sleeping) and on the way home she was awake for about an hour and slept the rest. I admit i was totally stressed about flying with her, but it was easy. The hardest part was putting my stroller in the fits.just.so. travel bag for gate checking. 

My sister and I did a lot of research before going away so that we would be prepared and have all the items needed for a successful trip with a 10 month and 2 month babies. Here are some of the things we found that we liked:

Baby Hut - provided UV protection and was perfect for the beach or pool. It folded up flat so it was easy to pack and had lots of venting. 

 A travel exersauser - awesome. It can go anywhere and it has places to clip on toys and two cup holders. Also has a travel bag for easy travel. 

UV swimwear - there are many different brands. I bought this one because it came in very small sizes and covered arms and legs. I also bought this hat and it provided perfect sun protection. 

Sunscreen - there is controversy on this. My pedi recommends sunscreen if you are going to be in the sun. I put it on part of LMI that were exposed to the sun only, however that wasn't very often. 

Airplane toys - LMI was too you g and mostly slept, but my niece loved this. 

A sling- OMG I don't know what I would have done without this.  Its so easy and comfortable and LMI loves it. I also have the bjo.rn, but haven't used it yet. 

Also don't forget your comforts from home. We brought our white noise machine (although the waterfall by the pool worked too), swaddle blankets, muslin blankets, burp cloths and all the other items you will need. Make sure you have a way to give a bath if they cant sit on their own, i used this and it was perfect. 

All in all it was great to get away, but a totally different experience. As much as it was relaxing, I never just lay out. LMI never seemed to nap at the right times, but it didn't matter. Just being away was enough. 

LMI and I went to our first mom and baby fitness class. We sucked. I was an out of shape disaster that couldn't follow or keep up with the step class and she either slept or BARFED ALL OVER ME. Yay we are going to be a huge hit there. Lol. 

As well, LMI is now out of the cosleeper and in the bassinet (still in my room) and is sleeping 6-7 hours straight!


Tuesday, November 1, 2011

First Trip

I'm sitting on the airplane with LMI snuggled into me in her sling (best thing ever) for our first trip together - amazing. I of course packed as if we were moving half way across the world even if we are only going to Florida for a week, but I want to be prepared. 

 This is my first real vacation in five years. Yes, I have been away, but IF treatments were always involved in some capacity. It was so nice not having to explain IVF to the Customs officer and not sneaking off to a secluded nook to shoot up. This time the ice pack was for breastmilk bottles, not Gonal F. Weird. 

I plan to enjoy the week in the sun and relax. LMI has her UV swimsuit and we are ready for the beach. The iPod is loaded up with Glee and we have our Weissbluth reading. 

See you in a week and happy Halloween!