Wednesday, May 25, 2011

One year ago

Last year on this day I was in Denver for my first DE transfer. I was so filled with hope and anticipation and so was A. I remember waking up in the Home.wood and answering the call from embryology about my ideas for how many to thaw and transfer. I remember how when A was there for the retrieval he had a special breakfast of themed "egg" foods and specific reasons for eating them. I remember lying on the table having my acupuncture appointment and Dr. Schoo.craft coming in for the transfer and me saying that this was the last time he would see me. I remember watching the season finale of Gre.ys Ana.tomy eating P.F. Changs (remember the shootout?). I remember every part of that trip and the excitement/anticipation I felt surrounding it.

The transfer was successful and we saw our first ever positive pee stick. The next few days were those of sheer happiness and then in an instant our lives were turned upside down. It started with spotting and then a couple of ultrasounds that showed no fetal heartbeat. The next days were spent agonizing over which treatment would be quicker, better for my already shitty uterus and cause less pain. Ultimately the miscarriage changed me in a way I didn't know was possible. My marriage was so deeply threatened that there were many many time I didn't know if we would survive. But we did. I did.

Fast forward a year and A and I both are such different places. We are happy, our marriage is stronger than ever and we are finally close to becoming parents. When I think back to the he'll of last year it was started by this anniversary. I have been in a fog all day and couldn't really understand why. It is the enormity of it all. The looking back on how much we've been through and how far we've come. I don't take moments for granted. I cherish the fact that I am in this better place - especially when I know many others are not.

For my friends who are in emotional hell right now, I am so sorry. I can only hope that next year will better.


Sunday, May 22, 2011

24 Weeks!

Happy viability day to me! Today was all around awesome day. I woke up early to bake Bare.foot Cont.essa double chocolate brownies (holy shit they're good) and then came back to bed to wake up with the sound of Little Miss IT's heartbeat. We had brunch with his family and then saw Th.or (I hated it, A loved it) followed by dinner with my family.

Wow, it was an emotional and exhausting day. I'm a broken record already I know, but how in the he'll did I get here? As each day passes and we get further along, I find myself beginning to feel more connected. It helps a lot knowing that I have an amazing medical team that is working hard to alleviate my anxieties and that both A and I have felt her kick. I think it's kind of creepy, but reassuring none the less.

Work is super busy right now trying to get the students ready for exams and plan for next year, but I continue to enjoy every minute of being there. I continually remind myself how proud I am of myself fir taking the leap and quitting my awful job last year. Overall I am a much happier person.

This post is happy, that's a positive change, I hope it continues. Today I am feeling good. I'm having an emotionally stable day and physically feeling well so I count this as a major milestone for me. Thank you to those who told me I would feel connected in my own way and time, you were right. I still can't say, "I'm pregnant" or anything similar and I have terrible anxiety towards any group prenatal activites, but I'm making small steps.

Sorry I haven't blogged or commented much lately, I have been overwhelmed by work and other non-pg related stuff, but I am still reading. Thank you for continuing to support me, as always it helps me get through the day.


Wednesday, May 11, 2011


Yesterday morning I had some spotting. It was pink and very light. I wasn't totally freaked out (so weird for me), but I still decided to call OB since I was going there for an appointment for my blood pressure anyway.

OB did an internal exam and my cervix is closed, but measured 2cm - not good. Off to the ultrasound I went for a "cervical check and viability scan". Holy shit this is serious I thought.

It turns out that everything is fine. It was uterine bleeding, but so faint that it was undetected on the ultrasound. My good old friend 'dildo cam' and I were reuinited and it revealed that my cervix is much longer than anticipated (internals not as accurate) and the crisis was averted.

What was funny for me was the amount of prep that they gave me before the transvaginal exam. I explained that I have had hundreds of these scans, but they still needed to follow protocol and explain everything.

What I am most happy about was my reaction. I did not jump to worse case scenarios at first (unlike my friend who shall remain nameless ;)) and I remained calm and focused during the L-O-N-G investigation yesterday. I also found myself telling Little Miss IT (who is still a girl) not to worry and that I would protect her. Huge progress for me on the bonding issue. So proud of myself for that.

The OB could not find a reason to explain the spotting, but told me not to worry, but if it comes back to go back and see him or go to the ER.

Today I am blood free and feeling good. I'm just so thankful for another day.


Sunday, May 8, 2011

Raging Hormones

I have become a raging hormonal beyotch! Seriously, I can't seem to get my hormones in check and it is starting to scare me.

Yesterday was an emotional day for me. It was brought to my attention just how fucked up IF and my personal journey has made me. People are afraid of me. Not in the I'm going to hurt you kind of way, but more in the don't talk to her about her pregnancy or anything slightly related as we don't know how she will react. Yup, apparently, I have put out the vibe for everyone to pretend as if I am not pregnant. Wow. That's news to me.

To be fair, I have never been one to gush over something and I am not such a touchy feely kind of person, so I would never have been all over this belly of mine anyway...but I can see how I am a bit of ticking time bomb, but can you blame me? The last five years have been plagued with nothing but heartache, fear, anxiety, depression, loss... Of course I am guarded. Of course I am scared to death - especially now with my newest set of anxieties, however I am keeping those worries at bay and am doing a pretty job of it.

I am mad. Mad at everyone that is judging me right now. Who do they think they are? A. has always been the eternal optimist and in his heart he knew everything would be ok (this drives me NUTS) so as much as he longed for a child and was devastated with each disappointment, failure and loss - he didn't allow it to destroy him. On the outside he was the same optimistic person he has always been. Pair that up with me, and well you have a couple of polar opposites.

I thought I was doing well. I talk about the pregnancy when I can, and even had A's family listen to the heartbeat on the doppler. I wear maternity clothes and make reference to Little Miss IT and her arrival on an ongoing basis. BUT, I am not keen on anyone except A. touching my belly - at least not until there is definitive movement and I am not all roses and sunshine all the time. I am scared shitless.

I still have a hard time around babies and toddlers - especially those conceived since we have been TTCing. I don't go out of my way to engage them and apparently their parents get upset. Really? How fucking stupid is that? In the last three weeks, two different sets of parents have commented to A. that I did not seem that taken by their children. Seriously? WTH? These are both from people that know intimately what we have gone through and even if they didn't, who cares. I didn't realize that the proper protocol for seeing a friend's child is to stop everything and devote all your time to their infant or toddler - that doesn't know me. Are these people for real? Am I wrong? And besides, it was not as if I ignored them and their children, I said hello and made a comment about how cute their child was, but that was probably all. I guess that wasn't good enough.

I hate feeling judged. I told A. that I don't want to be around people who scrutinize every thing I do with their higher than thou microscope. I can't take it. If I could live in a private bubble, I would.

I honestly don't know how to move past this. I am not going to change in the next four months. I continue to worry about the fate of this pregnancy and Little Miss IT. I don't want to share the intimate details of my anxiety with the world, nor should I have to, but I feel that people demand this. It is so unfair that this time in my life is being tainted by selfishness. I have every right to act and behave however I choose and if people don't get that, they can fuck themselves in my opinion. A. agrees with me, but not enough to let people have it when they come to him with their stupid shit. UGH.

Today is Mother's Day (like we all could forget) and although I am not yet a mother, I am closer than I have ever been. I should be happy today. I should be celebrating the huge milestone that is approaching. I should be excited that I am two weeks away from viability, but unfortunately, I am mess like every year. This year should be different - and in many ways it is, but there is still profound sadness in my heart. Being pregnant does not take away the pain of the last five years nor does it make you forget. For me it was the opposite. It is a constant reminder of how life is unpredictable and we are not in control of anything. Don't get me wrong, I am so thankful to be here and the bonding between me and Little Miss IT has definitely started, but that is separate. I can't forget my past as it makes me appreciate my present. I am not taking one minute of this miracle for granted, but I am also very aware that we are far from the other side.

I am sure this post came across like a rambling mess, but that's what I have in me right now. I don't have the strength to talk about my real Mother's Day feelings or seeing my sister and niece today. I just don't have it in me. I'm tired of feeling like a failure and a depressed mess. I am tired of people commenting on my every move. I am just so tired of all of this. Thanks for reading and supporting me. I know today is excruciatingly difficult for so many and I don't want to come across as insensitive or ungrateful. I am going to blame the hormones for my irrational behaviour and emotions.


Thursday, May 5, 2011

Different Kinds of Therapy

Over the last few years, I have discovered that there are many different kinds of therapy that help me cope depending on what shitty situation life has thrown at me that day.

Coffee. This one has always been a pick me up, however I wasn't always able to indulge when I was doing the non-caffeine thing. For me, there is nothing better than sitting in a nice coffee shop, drinking a flavoured latte (I prefer skim milk vanilla) and reflecting on my day. Ahhh, pure heaven.

TV. I am somewhat addicted to television. I am sure I have mentioned once or twice that I have been religiously watching Young and the Restless since I was little. I feel like I grew up in Genoa City and it is really my happy place. I am also a huge Gleek! I just can't get enough of the songs and dance. I haven't seen this week's episode yet, however last week with the slogan T-shirts, I was amazed. I thought the idea of printing across your chest the one thing you would change about yourself was awesome. The final song to Born This Way when they were wearing the T-shirts was a truly powerful moment. I would also encourage you to get into is The Good Wife. I have loved Julianna since her days on ER and who doesn't love Mr. Big? So really, it has everything. And then there is are my favourite summer shows, Mad Men, Boardwalk Empire and The Next Food Network Star!

Acupuncture/hypnosis/SJ. Never in a million years would I have thought that I, little miss Science and medicine based would find comfort in these things. FIrst is my SJ. I could not survive without her. Having a safe place to vent, cry and scream has been an amazing support for me. Last year when I literally couldn't pick myself up off the floor, she got me through. Currently she is helping keep a handle on my newest source of anxiety and I am truly grateful for the support and friendship she has shown me. Did I really put acupuncture as a therapy? I HATE needles, but there is something calming about my acupuncturist and her magic little sticks, I always seem to leave in a better place then when I started. And of course, there is my hypnosis CD. I was totally skeptical of this, but once I started listening, I just couldn't stop. I felt my anxiety going away and I was able to get through some difficult lining issue/transfer fear periods.

Shopping. Obviously I saved the best for last. In my darkest moments, I find comfort in stores. I am not addicted to buying, just the shopping experience. I am happy to go and help a friend pick out something, or my mom and now shopping for my niece has been super fun - another thing I NEVER thought I would be able to do. Last week my mom, sister and niece took me maternity clothes shopping across the boarder to try and lift my spirits. Although it didn't make me forget, I was able to have an enjoyable day and do A LOT of damage on the credit card. So I leave you with this picture of the change room from Des.tination Mat.ernity...and yes, I bought most of it!

So I ask you, what is your therapy that helps you get through the day?