The last six months have flown by. Hazelnut has brought so much joy to our lives. It is wonderful seeing her big sister, LMI, cooing over her, tickling her and kissing her. They are so sweet together.
Hazelnut is thriving. At six months old she is growing and eating and sleeping so well. Considering LMI has always been small, it is so different for A and I to see what a child on the curve looks like ;). She's in size 3 diapers (same as her 2.5year old sister) and solidly wearing 6-12month clothes. Her hair continues to be dark and full and spiked. She lets me put ponytails and clips in it which I find so so cute.
Hazelnut's personality is starting to develop. She smiles when she feels fresh air on her face. When she tries a new food that she likes so giggles with delight. She laughs when we give her tummy kisses and when she makes noises with her mouth. Blowing raspberries is one of her favourite past times and she lights up when she does it. She follows LMI with her eyes and is always so focused on her. They already have a special bond that I look forward to watching over the years.
I get so many people telling me that she has my eyes. At first it was a bit weird for me, but I say thank you and laugh inside. Not only are they not my eyes (obviously), but hers are true blue and mine are green. I'm still very aware about the DE piece but I'm also so proud of it. It's just another part of what makes her so special.
Happy six month birthday Hazelnut. I love you!
-R.
Sunday, April 20, 2014
Saturday, November 2, 2013
She's Here!
Hazelnut was born two weeks ago. She was 37w4d and came out a whopping 7lbs3oz and measures 20"tall. She is truly a miracle in every sense of the word.
The last month of my pregnancy was not the easiest. It was quite similar to LMIs in the sense that I was once again diagnosed with PIH and hospitalized for a short stay. The symptoms were all too familiar for me: severe headache, high blood pressure and swelling. I must have worn my Cr.oc flip flops for two months straight. I was in and out of triage and the doctor's office all while trying to balance work - until I was told to stop working at 34 weeks. My house arrest officially began.
I turned 37 weeks on my 33rd birthday. My present was learning that I was to be induced the next night and I would be meeting my Hazelnut the following day. Well things did not turn out as planned. The hospital was swamped with labours and inductions and was continuously getting bumped. I literally sat at home staring at the phone waiting for the call to come to the hospital. It took 36hours (or an eternity) for the call to come. 11am on Saturday A and I showed up at the hospital ready to begin the induction. The first step...cervadil.
When they were ready to begin the saw that my cervix was already displaying (3-4cm) so the cervadil was no longer an option. We now needed to wait for an L&D room and nurse to be able to break my water. We waited in triage for 12 hours. We schmoozed with the nurses, went for lunch in the cafeteria and watched a lot of Net.flix (best invention ever)! Finally we were ready to begin.
I asked for the epidural before they broke my water. The agreed. The epidural was a piece if cake. I of course was shitting bricks with the anticipation of it but I felt no pain and it was over quite quickly. Within minutes I could feel my legs going numb and I was happy that it was working. Until my blood pressure bottomed out. I was nauseous and so incredibly sick. They gave me meds to stabilize me but for the next 3 hours my blood pressure was a roller coaster and until I was ok they wouldn't begin the induction.
Once I was alright we finally began. My waters broke and 3 hrs later my sweet Hazelnut was born. And just like that it was all worth it.
Thank you for following my journey. Your support and advice were always appreciated. I don't think I would be in this place without you.
The last month of my pregnancy was not the easiest. It was quite similar to LMIs in the sense that I was once again diagnosed with PIH and hospitalized for a short stay. The symptoms were all too familiar for me: severe headache, high blood pressure and swelling. I must have worn my Cr.oc flip flops for two months straight. I was in and out of triage and the doctor's office all while trying to balance work - until I was told to stop working at 34 weeks. My house arrest officially began.
I turned 37 weeks on my 33rd birthday. My present was learning that I was to be induced the next night and I would be meeting my Hazelnut the following day. Well things did not turn out as planned. The hospital was swamped with labours and inductions and was continuously getting bumped. I literally sat at home staring at the phone waiting for the call to come to the hospital. It took 36hours (or an eternity) for the call to come. 11am on Saturday A and I showed up at the hospital ready to begin the induction. The first step...cervadil.
When they were ready to begin the saw that my cervix was already displaying (3-4cm) so the cervadil was no longer an option. We now needed to wait for an L&D room and nurse to be able to break my water. We waited in triage for 12 hours. We schmoozed with the nurses, went for lunch in the cafeteria and watched a lot of Net.flix (best invention ever)! Finally we were ready to begin.
I asked for the epidural before they broke my water. The agreed. The epidural was a piece if cake. I of course was shitting bricks with the anticipation of it but I felt no pain and it was over quite quickly. Within minutes I could feel my legs going numb and I was happy that it was working. Until my blood pressure bottomed out. I was nauseous and so incredibly sick. They gave me meds to stabilize me but for the next 3 hours my blood pressure was a roller coaster and until I was ok they wouldn't begin the induction.
Once I was alright we finally began. My waters broke and 3 hrs later my sweet Hazelnut was born. And just like that it was all worth it.
Thank you for following my journey. Your support and advice were always appreciated. I don't think I would be in this place without you.
Friday, August 16, 2013
DE Reflections/Freak Outs
It has been forever since my last post. I'm not sure why though. I still check in on this space regularly - and keep reading your blogs and posts daily, but commenting and updating just haven't been happening. I'm sorry for my absence, it's nothing personal, just avoiding I guess.
This pregnancy is flying by. I'm now 28 weeks (how did that happen?) and so far, things are progressing normally! I of course failed the one-hour glucose test, however I did manage to slightly pass the two-hour so as now I am GD free! My blood pressure is also surprising good right now and generally I am feeling pretty good. It is weird to be so normal - but I am not complaining. I am loving it.
I remember the anatomy scan as if it were yesterday. A. and many others were convinced we were having a boy as my morning sickness was out of control and so so different than with LMI. I was still throwing up almost daily until 20/21 weeks. I didn't have a feeling one way or another, but since everyone predicted boy I started thinking of blue amd boys names. So after the measurements were completed and the baby looked healthy the big reveal came..."looks like you'll have two girls". At first I thought he meant that there were two babies in there, but no, just one healthy GIRL. Sisters! We were surprised and shocked and totally excited. And so we've decided to name my baby Hazelnut. It's an ode to my Boobie and makes me smile when I say it.
I am feeling quite anxious and overwhelmed with the DE aspect of this pregnancy. I am obsessed with the fact that our donor is a giant (considering I am so the opposite) and find myself obsessing over the fetal size of this pregnancy. Right now Hazelnut is measuring in the 44%ile and I couldn't be happier, but until last week, she was measuring quite small. We both had a bit of a weight gain this month ;). A. and I feel quite strongly that we do not want the fact that this baby was conceived differently from LMI to be a secret or something shameful - we are proud of our journey and the l-o-n-g and bumpy road that will have brought us to our family of four, but, I can't find the words or the timing or the moment to tell those closest to us. Every time, I think I am ready, it turns out that emotionally something is blocking me. I have spoken at length with SJ and we went over some potential questions that family may ask us once we disclose and A and I have talked at length about what we feel comfortable sharing and what we feel is private and for our child to share when/if she is ready. So, what is stopping us? It is not like we want to hire the Good.year blimp or skywrite the news, but I really want close extended family and friends to know and not have this secret hanging over our heads.
I would really love your thoughts on when and who and how you told about your DE/DS conceptions.
I know that everyone says that once the baby is born, none of this will matter, but right now, it consumes me. I can't stop thinking about what the baby will look like, will she resemble LMI or A.? I know in my head that even when siblings are 100% genetically related they often don't look or act alike, but in my irrational brain I can't stop thinking about it. I think about how I am going to react every time someone tells me that she has my eyes or smile and I try to come up with my response now so that the crazy postpartum hormones don't get the best of me and I snap or fall apart. I think about how LMI and Hazelnut will grow up and I hope that there will be no issues that are different from the normal sibling rivalry stuff. Maybe this is my version of nesting, since I am not planning on re-organizing or cleaning my house.
My head is a mess, which is probably contributing to my lack of reaching out and communicating. I'm over the moon excited about this pregnancy and the idea of adding to our family. I'm so excited to see LMI as a big sister and I know that she will love her little sister to the end of the world. I guess it's just nerves...I can't wait to meet my Hazelnut and tell her how much I love her.
-R.
This pregnancy is flying by. I'm now 28 weeks (how did that happen?) and so far, things are progressing normally! I of course failed the one-hour glucose test, however I did manage to slightly pass the two-hour so as now I am GD free! My blood pressure is also surprising good right now and generally I am feeling pretty good. It is weird to be so normal - but I am not complaining. I am loving it.
I remember the anatomy scan as if it were yesterday. A. and many others were convinced we were having a boy as my morning sickness was out of control and so so different than with LMI. I was still throwing up almost daily until 20/21 weeks. I didn't have a feeling one way or another, but since everyone predicted boy I started thinking of blue amd boys names. So after the measurements were completed and the baby looked healthy the big reveal came..."looks like you'll have two girls". At first I thought he meant that there were two babies in there, but no, just one healthy GIRL. Sisters! We were surprised and shocked and totally excited. And so we've decided to name my baby Hazelnut. It's an ode to my Boobie and makes me smile when I say it.
I am feeling quite anxious and overwhelmed with the DE aspect of this pregnancy. I am obsessed with the fact that our donor is a giant (considering I am so the opposite) and find myself obsessing over the fetal size of this pregnancy. Right now Hazelnut is measuring in the 44%ile and I couldn't be happier, but until last week, she was measuring quite small. We both had a bit of a weight gain this month ;). A. and I feel quite strongly that we do not want the fact that this baby was conceived differently from LMI to be a secret or something shameful - we are proud of our journey and the l-o-n-g and bumpy road that will have brought us to our family of four, but, I can't find the words or the timing or the moment to tell those closest to us. Every time, I think I am ready, it turns out that emotionally something is blocking me. I have spoken at length with SJ and we went over some potential questions that family may ask us once we disclose and A and I have talked at length about what we feel comfortable sharing and what we feel is private and for our child to share when/if she is ready. So, what is stopping us? It is not like we want to hire the Good.year blimp or skywrite the news, but I really want close extended family and friends to know and not have this secret hanging over our heads.
I would really love your thoughts on when and who and how you told about your DE/DS conceptions.
I know that everyone says that once the baby is born, none of this will matter, but right now, it consumes me. I can't stop thinking about what the baby will look like, will she resemble LMI or A.? I know in my head that even when siblings are 100% genetically related they often don't look or act alike, but in my irrational brain I can't stop thinking about it. I think about how I am going to react every time someone tells me that she has my eyes or smile and I try to come up with my response now so that the crazy postpartum hormones don't get the best of me and I snap or fall apart. I think about how LMI and Hazelnut will grow up and I hope that there will be no issues that are different from the normal sibling rivalry stuff. Maybe this is my version of nesting, since I am not planning on re-organizing or cleaning my house.
My head is a mess, which is probably contributing to my lack of reaching out and communicating. I'm over the moon excited about this pregnancy and the idea of adding to our family. I'm so excited to see LMI as a big sister and I know that she will love her little sister to the end of the world. I guess it's just nerves...I can't wait to meet my Hazelnut and tell her how much I love her.
-R.
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Toddler Sleep Regression?
LMI was Ferberized at 4.5 months and has been putting herself to sleep ever since. She falls asleep for naps and bedtime with little fuss and sleeps pretty soundly until the morning, but all that changed in the last two weeks.
She has been fighting going to sleep. She is now 19months and when I put her to bed she stands in the crib and screams, "mommy". It's awful. She has cried anywhere from 5 min to over an hour. What is up?
I am trying to let her CIO but this is so out of the ordinary for her that I do find myself going in to sit on the floor by her crib and talk to her. I try not to pick her up or run her back, but after 2 hours I don't know what else to do.
The worst of it is at bedtime. She goes to bed around 7:30 with the same routine every night - milk bath books bed. But she is now falling asleep closer to 9 pm! Naps aren't terrible. The crying is only for a few minutes and she continues to sleep from 1-2:30.
I don't know what is going on. Any suggestions or ideas are welcome.
-R.
She has been fighting going to sleep. She is now 19months and when I put her to bed she stands in the crib and screams, "mommy". It's awful. She has cried anywhere from 5 min to over an hour. What is up?
I am trying to let her CIO but this is so out of the ordinary for her that I do find myself going in to sit on the floor by her crib and talk to her. I try not to pick her up or run her back, but after 2 hours I don't know what else to do.
The worst of it is at bedtime. She goes to bed around 7:30 with the same routine every night - milk bath books bed. But she is now falling asleep closer to 9 pm! Naps aren't terrible. The crying is only for a few minutes and she continues to sleep from 1-2:30.
I don't know what is going on. Any suggestions or ideas are welcome.
-R.
Thursday, March 21, 2013
First Ultrasound!
Yesterday my anxiety about the first ultrasound was out.of.control. I was awoken in the middle of the night to severe cramping which of course caused me to freak out. Luckily there was no blood. I knew that it was related to nerves, but it still didn't calm me down.
At 6w5d I was expecting to see a heartbeat. I have been suffering from morning sickness worse than with LMI - I have ha to pull my car over on my drive to work four mornings now. So that symptom was keeping me going and hoping for the best.
The ultrasound clinic does not allow spouses into the exam room until the end and the tech said to A. "If everything is ok, I will call you back". Being in the room alone terrified me. I kept thinking back to the ultrasound in 2010 where there was no fetal pole...
I got on the table and she Immediately started looking around on my belly. There were l-o-n-g periods of silence followed by, "when was your transfer again?" I was literally throwing up in my mouth. And then just like that she found it!
There was a heartbeat! 123bpm and we were able to hear - tears came to my eyes. I was so relieved. The embryo measured 7weeks and so right on track.
I met with the RE after and she decided that I need to be monitored weekly for the first trimester so weekly ultrasounds it is. I'm glad she's taking such a proactive approach.
So for today (and yesterday) I am relieved and hopeful.
-R.
At 6w5d I was expecting to see a heartbeat. I have been suffering from morning sickness worse than with LMI - I have ha to pull my car over on my drive to work four mornings now. So that symptom was keeping me going and hoping for the best.
The ultrasound clinic does not allow spouses into the exam room until the end and the tech said to A. "If everything is ok, I will call you back". Being in the room alone terrified me. I kept thinking back to the ultrasound in 2010 where there was no fetal pole...
I got on the table and she Immediately started looking around on my belly. There were l-o-n-g periods of silence followed by, "when was your transfer again?" I was literally throwing up in my mouth. And then just like that she found it!
There was a heartbeat! 123bpm and we were able to hear - tears came to my eyes. I was so relieved. The embryo measured 7weeks and so right on track.
I met with the RE after and she decided that I need to be monitored weekly for the first trimester so weekly ultrasounds it is. I'm glad she's taking such a proactive approach.
So for today (and yesterday) I am relieved and hopeful.
-R.
Sunday, March 3, 2013
Results
HCG more than doubled today from 219 to 641.3! The sigh is starting to come out. Of course there are many hills to climb, but this is a win today. I haven't heard from a CO nurse yet, and may not until tomorrow because the local clinic has fax issues, but I am hoping that the huge jump in numbers isn't out of the ordinary or bad - the local nurse said it was good. Trying to trust in the process and be in the moment (not always easy for me).
Thank you for the outpouring of support.
-R.
Thank you for the outpouring of support.
-R.
Friday, March 1, 2013
The Day I Have Been Waiting For...
I have been obsessively POASing since 5dp5dt. All BFP albeit of different darknesses. It had me both worried (one day dark line, next day very light almost can't see it) and cautiously optimistic. I even had some nice red/brown spotting to through into the mix - to keep me on my toes. Of course I emailed NN to discuss this and she wouldn't entertain me in a conversation until I was "really pregnant". Ugh.
So today's HCG came in at 219! My estrogen is 528 and progesterone is 31.88. I'm relieved and cautiously optimistic by these numbers. Back on Sunday for a repeat HCG and assuming the number doubles, I may let out a small sigh of relief.
-R.
So today's HCG came in at 219! My estrogen is 528 and progesterone is 31.88. I'm relieved and cautiously optimistic by these numbers. Back on Sunday for a repeat HCG and assuming the number doubles, I may let out a small sigh of relief.
-R.
Thursday, February 28, 2013
18 Months!
February 23rd was the big day. LMI is a full on toddler! Seriously, its nuts. You wouldn't know to look at her - she's still quite small at almost 19lbs, but her capabilities and comprehension are full on toddler.
- She is running all over the place. It's so cute to watch her yell, "go go go go go..." while running up and down the hallway.
- Her language skills are increasing everyday. It is so unbelievable to watch her learn a new word and master a new part of the body or animal sound. It seems like something new happens daily. It's really cool. My favourites are the sound a rooster makes, "cock-a-du-du" and belly button (accompanied by pointing).
- Getting dressed is one of the most fun activities a person can do. She loves trying to put on her pants and socks. She practices all the time and feels so proud if her boots make it on her feet!
- Reading. She can sit for long periods of time just looking at books, identifying things she knows in the pictures and asking us to read to her. If we say a line from a book, she is able to find the book. We aren't really sure where she gets this love of reading, but we are celebrating it!
- LMI is a garbage disposal. For such a small girl she sure eats A LOT. Fajita's are one of her favourite foods. Like ever. She sucks the chicken pieces up and loves to try and get the fork through the pieces. Of course, pizza is always a pleaser and so is fruit. Any fruit. And just when we think she can't possibly shove more food into her mouth - "bite". Lol.
- Lastly, LMI is such an affectionate little girl. She greets us in the morning with a big HI and smile. She hugs us and all of her stuffed animals with pats on the back. Seriously, she has started taking care of her stuffed animals by putting them in the high chair and the shopping cart. She has a "baby", but other than giving it a kiss she really isn't so interested in it yet.
And that is LMI in a very brief nutshell. Cute, funny and loving life.
- She is running all over the place. It's so cute to watch her yell, "go go go go go..." while running up and down the hallway.
- Her language skills are increasing everyday. It is so unbelievable to watch her learn a new word and master a new part of the body or animal sound. It seems like something new happens daily. It's really cool. My favourites are the sound a rooster makes, "cock-a-du-du" and belly button (accompanied by pointing).
- Getting dressed is one of the most fun activities a person can do. She loves trying to put on her pants and socks. She practices all the time and feels so proud if her boots make it on her feet!
- Reading. She can sit for long periods of time just looking at books, identifying things she knows in the pictures and asking us to read to her. If we say a line from a book, she is able to find the book. We aren't really sure where she gets this love of reading, but we are celebrating it!
- LMI is a garbage disposal. For such a small girl she sure eats A LOT. Fajita's are one of her favourite foods. Like ever. She sucks the chicken pieces up and loves to try and get the fork through the pieces. Of course, pizza is always a pleaser and so is fruit. Any fruit. And just when we think she can't possibly shove more food into her mouth - "bite". Lol.
- Lastly, LMI is such an affectionate little girl. She greets us in the morning with a big HI and smile. She hugs us and all of her stuffed animals with pats on the back. Seriously, she has started taking care of her stuffed animals by putting them in the high chair and the shopping cart. She has a "baby", but other than giving it a kiss she really isn't so interested in it yet.
And that is LMI in a very brief nutshell. Cute, funny and loving life.
Monday, February 25, 2013
What Do You Think?
10 000 units of hcg were shot into my ass on Friday, February 16th at night. Today is ten days past trigger and 5dp5dt. Very clear BFP.
Could it be real?
-R.
Could it be real?
-R.
Friday, February 22, 2013
Thoughts
This morning I was officially finished with bedrest. Every time, I hope and pray that this will be the last time. I take my time getting up and out of bed. I walk slowly to the bathroom and have a shower for the first time in days and then I slowly get dressed.
And then we pack up the room and leave the hotel and hope that we do not come back.
It's a weird feeling to be in the TWW. You are so hyper aware if every twinge and pull and cramp in the ute' region - but yet it doesn't mean anything. The hormones/drugs mimic pregnancy so the crazy tired cant pull my head up and lower abdomen cramping are just mind fucks. I want it to be because I'm pregnant, but really at 2dp5dt should you really feel something? I didn't feel anything with LMI. I caught completely off guard - this time I am hoping that every ache is something more.
I am feeling good emotionally speaking. A and I are on the same page and feel we made the right choice for us right now with the eSET. My lining was good for me. The embryo was beautiful and "just like fresh" and my mind was relaxed. This is probably the best my body has ever been for a transfer.
But yet I am not sure if I am feeling it.
It is so scary to let myself believe or hope that this may work out. We've been here before and we know how it turned out. This is my 5th DE embryo transferred, 14th overall. So I'm scared. Scared shitless. I am not sure where to go next if this fails.
I am going to be positive. I am going to try and be positive.
-R.
And then we pack up the room and leave the hotel and hope that we do not come back.
It's a weird feeling to be in the TWW. You are so hyper aware if every twinge and pull and cramp in the ute' region - but yet it doesn't mean anything. The hormones/drugs mimic pregnancy so the crazy tired cant pull my head up and lower abdomen cramping are just mind fucks. I want it to be because I'm pregnant, but really at 2dp5dt should you really feel something? I didn't feel anything with LMI. I caught completely off guard - this time I am hoping that every ache is something more.
I am feeling good emotionally speaking. A and I are on the same page and feel we made the right choice for us right now with the eSET. My lining was good for me. The embryo was beautiful and "just like fresh" and my mind was relaxed. This is probably the best my body has ever been for a transfer.
But yet I am not sure if I am feeling it.
It is so scary to let myself believe or hope that this may work out. We've been here before and we know how it turned out. This is my 5th DE embryo transferred, 14th overall. So I'm scared. Scared shitless. I am not sure where to go next if this fails.
I am going to be positive. I am going to try and be positive.
-R.
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Finally - Transfer Day
Today is CD29 otherwise known as FET day! Yes you read that right, it took 24 days for me to naturally ovulate. How is that even possible? Because my cycle was so fucking incredibly long - we didn't know if we would make it to a transfer, but here we are.
So far things look good. My hormone levels are where they should be, my lining is a triple patter 6.7 (good for me) and I just found out that our embryo is completely hatched day6 AA. Also we are the ONLY transfer today - that must be a good luck sign?!
Being back on the transfer table feels like I never left. I've had the same acupuncturist 3 times and she even said I looked familiar. We had the same nurses and feel at home with the FET routine. The only difference this time is the number of embryos to transfer. A and I went back and forth on this for the last month. Yesterday we were committed to two, however at the literal last minute we decided to go for the eSET. I could not imagine getting pregnant with twins - hoping the one takes, but with my complications from LMI I wasn't prepared to take the risk. If this cycle doesn't work out we may change our thoughts but I am good with this decision.
Thank you for the continued support and I will be sure to update from my bed while eating tones of pineapple core!
And on another note, I am so over the moon happy for my friend Patience who is FINALLY a mom!!!
-R.
So far things look good. My hormone levels are where they should be, my lining is a triple patter 6.7 (good for me) and I just found out that our embryo is completely hatched day6 AA. Also we are the ONLY transfer today - that must be a good luck sign?!
Being back on the transfer table feels like I never left. I've had the same acupuncturist 3 times and she even said I looked familiar. We had the same nurses and feel at home with the FET routine. The only difference this time is the number of embryos to transfer. A and I went back and forth on this for the last month. Yesterday we were committed to two, however at the literal last minute we decided to go for the eSET. I could not imagine getting pregnant with twins - hoping the one takes, but with my complications from LMI I wasn't prepared to take the risk. If this cycle doesn't work out we may change our thoughts but I am good with this decision.
Thank you for the continued support and I will be sure to update from my bed while eating tones of pineapple core!
And on another note, I am so over the moon happy for my friend Patience who is FINALLY a mom!!!
-R.
Monday, January 28, 2013
It's On
There are two sure fire ways to get AF to show up.
POAS and email your nurse that AF is no where in sight and you may never get the opportunity to cycle again, because you are in now in menopause.
Maybe I jumped the gun a little, but come on, 37 days! It was my longest cycle to date. Even NN told me that a watched never boils, but I couldn't help it, I guess I wanted another miracle to happen, but instead I got multiple stark white lines on the tests and some major menopause anxiety.
This FET prep is very different for me. It is completely out of my control and I am trying to live by the mantra what will be will be. I go for my first day of monitoring on CD9 (this Friday) and then daily after that until the LH surge is detected or my dominant follicle reaches 17mm and we can trigger. After that, I book myself on a plane and transfer 1 or 2 (still undecided) embryos five days later. With my wonky cycles, ovulation is guestimated to occur around CD18 so we still have some time.
It is weird being back in this cycling place. I still want the end result as badly as before, but I have chilled out this time around. I'm not obsessing over everything. I am drinking one cup of coffee a day and I even had some chocolate. I am trying to have an open mind and know that if this doesn't work out, we have options. We are not done trying to expand our family.
Thank you for the continued support.
-R.
POAS and email your nurse that AF is no where in sight and you may never get the opportunity to cycle again, because you are in now in menopause.
Maybe I jumped the gun a little, but come on, 37 days! It was my longest cycle to date. Even NN told me that a watched never boils, but I couldn't help it, I guess I wanted another miracle to happen, but instead I got multiple stark white lines on the tests and some major menopause anxiety.
This FET prep is very different for me. It is completely out of my control and I am trying to live by the mantra what will be will be. I go for my first day of monitoring on CD9 (this Friday) and then daily after that until the LH surge is detected or my dominant follicle reaches 17mm and we can trigger. After that, I book myself on a plane and transfer 1 or 2 (still undecided) embryos five days later. With my wonky cycles, ovulation is guestimated to occur around CD18 so we still have some time.
It is weird being back in this cycling place. I still want the end result as badly as before, but I have chilled out this time around. I'm not obsessing over everything. I am drinking one cup of coffee a day and I even had some chocolate. I am trying to have an open mind and know that if this doesn't work out, we have options. We are not done trying to expand our family.
Thank you for the continued support.
-R.
Monday, January 21, 2013
CCS results
The CCS results are in and they were surprising to say the least. Out of 11 donor egg embryos, we have...4 normal, healthy embryos. WTF?!I really shouldn't be surprised to get disappointing news, I mean it is me after all.
4/11. Wow.
On the positive side, I have four embryos - all graded 4AA. That is something to be excited about even if my dr. isn't. The regroup was a few days ago. I am still trying to process the fact that even though my body has shown that it can get pregnant and carry a pregnancy to term, there is very little hope that it will happen again - even with my healthy, chromosonally normal, donor egg embryos.
I am not sure what the plan is exactly. I am waiting for AF to start the FET and we are trying a natural cycle where we monitor close to ensure ovulation has occurred and then transfer five days later. This is said to be my best protocol and I will trust in that. Before our regroup, A. and I decided that we would transfer one embryo. After speaking with the dr. we are not sure anymore. He did not give me the 80% success rate that DE has. I didn't get the 60% success rate that a CCS normal embryo has. There is little hope. He said that by transferring two embryos it gives a better chance of achieving a singleton pregnancy. My thought it uses up more chances. What would you do?
So that's where things are right now. Purgatory. Waiting. Loosing hope.
-R.
4/11. Wow.
On the positive side, I have four embryos - all graded 4AA. That is something to be excited about even if my dr. isn't. The regroup was a few days ago. I am still trying to process the fact that even though my body has shown that it can get pregnant and carry a pregnancy to term, there is very little hope that it will happen again - even with my healthy, chromosonally normal, donor egg embryos.
I am not sure what the plan is exactly. I am waiting for AF to start the FET and we are trying a natural cycle where we monitor close to ensure ovulation has occurred and then transfer five days later. This is said to be my best protocol and I will trust in that. Before our regroup, A. and I decided that we would transfer one embryo. After speaking with the dr. we are not sure anymore. He did not give me the 80% success rate that DE has. I didn't get the 60% success rate that a CCS normal embryo has. There is little hope. He said that by transferring two embryos it gives a better chance of achieving a singleton pregnancy. My thought it uses up more chances. What would you do?
So that's where things are right now. Purgatory. Waiting. Loosing hope.
-R.
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
Updates
My Boobie passed away at the end of November. She was 94 and lived a full life. Her life was not an easy one - she emigrated to Canada from Eastern Europe in 1935 when she was only 16. She got married ten years later and my mother was her miracle child. I wrote about her here when we announced our pregnancy with LMI. She was so excited.
My Boobie was a strong woman and I know that I get my fight from her. She taught me about love and family and I am the mother I am largely because of the values she and my other grandmother taught me. I love you Boobie.
***
We had our consult with the genetics counselor about testing our remaining 11 embryos. After a lot of thought and back and forth, we took the plunge and decided to test them. Ultimately, in the end, I can't live through another pregnancy (should I be so lucky to have one) where there is constant worry about the health of the baby.
They called from the lab on Friday. All our embryos survived the the thaw and the biopsy and our refrozen. The results should take about four weeks, but hopefully we can get them sooner. It is not consuming my thoughts, but I do think about it...a lot. Statistically, we should have a fair amount of normals, but this is me we are talking about and I don't fall on the right side of the stats, so hopefully we will have some. If they all come back as abnormal or no result I don't know where I will go from there. But I can't allow myself to go there now.
***
There are three more work days until the break. 3! Can you tell that I am in desperate need of some RNR. Happy Holidays - wishing everyone a great new year.
-R.
My Boobie was a strong woman and I know that I get my fight from her. She taught me about love and family and I am the mother I am largely because of the values she and my other grandmother taught me. I love you Boobie.
***
We had our consult with the genetics counselor about testing our remaining 11 embryos. After a lot of thought and back and forth, we took the plunge and decided to test them. Ultimately, in the end, I can't live through another pregnancy (should I be so lucky to have one) where there is constant worry about the health of the baby.
They called from the lab on Friday. All our embryos survived the the thaw and the biopsy and our refrozen. The results should take about four weeks, but hopefully we can get them sooner. It is not consuming my thoughts, but I do think about it...a lot. Statistically, we should have a fair amount of normals, but this is me we are talking about and I don't fall on the right side of the stats, so hopefully we will have some. If they all come back as abnormal or no result I don't know where I will go from there. But I can't allow myself to go there now.
***
There are three more work days until the break. 3! Can you tell that I am in desperate need of some RNR. Happy Holidays - wishing everyone a great new year.
-R.
Saturday, November 17, 2012
Over
It's never a good sign when AF arrives before beta day. Sigh. POAS all stark white. Over and out.
-R.
-R.
Thursday, November 15, 2012
2WW - I Forgot
How stressful it is and time consuming when you over analyze every twinge and cramp. Beta is scheduled for Tuesday, because they don't run them on weekends so the POASing will start on Friday - unless AF shows up first!
I don't have high hopes for the cycle. It was a bit of a shit show with my body not responding well to the high doses of drugs which produced 2 follicles that were on the smaller side. I think the RE would have liked me to stim a day or two longer, but apparently my body didn't agree so I had my LH surge on my own and never needed the trigger shot. At this point I realized that IUI OTC would probably not be successful so we cancelled the IUI and just did the timed thing.
So that's where we stand right now. I'm also in the process of setting up the genetic counseling session to test my embryos...
-R.
I don't have high hopes for the cycle. It was a bit of a shit show with my body not responding well to the high doses of drugs which produced 2 follicles that were on the smaller side. I think the RE would have liked me to stim a day or two longer, but apparently my body didn't agree so I had my LH surge on my own and never needed the trigger shot. At this point I realized that IUI OTC would probably not be successful so we cancelled the IUI and just did the timed thing.
So that's where we stand right now. I'm also in the process of setting up the genetic counseling session to test my embryos...
-R.
Saturday, October 27, 2012
OTC IUI has begun
It is so different this time. New phase, new protocol, new clinic. I'm a newbie again. I have learned over the years that every RE works different and you need to acclimatize to the different routines. Cd2 was Thursday and it was my first monitoring session for what I'm calling my over the counter (OTC) IUI. Monitoring is from 630-800 daily and since it was a work day I got there at 6:04 to ensure I would be finished with enough time to get to work for an 8:00am meeting. I was fourth in line. The staff at this clinic are wonderful. They make an effort to know your name on the first visit and have a "greeter" that is in charge of keeping the flow of appointments run smoothly. It worked. I was in and out in under an hour.
My results for CD2 are:
E2: 48.5
LH: 6.96
Prog: 1.25
FSH: 4.2
Ultrasound: AFC, Rt 5
Left simple cyst seen measuring at 1.6x1.4x2cm
I don't remember what my levels were like before so I'm not sure if these are an improvement or not. I also know my AFC is low - but have no clue about the hormone levels. Anyone that wants to explain I would appreciate it. Again, I'm a newbie. I used to have this information at my finger tips and was able to analyze, but now ism just going with the flow. It's weird.
So for my OTC IUI I started with 75ui Men.opour and 150ui Brav.elle. I've never taken the second medication which is why we are trying this combo. So far with only two days in I'm doing ok, but holy shit those needles STING!
I'm not overly optimistic that this will work, but I am invested now.
-R.
My results for CD2 are:
E2: 48.5
LH: 6.96
Prog: 1.25
FSH: 4.2
Ultrasound: AFC, Rt 5
Left simple cyst seen measuring at 1.6x1.4x2cm
I don't remember what my levels were like before so I'm not sure if these are an improvement or not. I also know my AFC is low - but have no clue about the hormone levels. Anyone that wants to explain I would appreciate it. Again, I'm a newbie. I used to have this information at my finger tips and was able to analyze, but now ism just going with the flow. It's weird.
So for my OTC IUI I started with 75ui Men.opour and 150ui Brav.elle. I've never taken the second medication which is why we are trying this combo. So far with only two days in I'm doing ok, but holy shit those needles STING!
I'm not overly optimistic that this will work, but I am invested now.
-R.
Sunday, October 7, 2012
Where I'm At
I'm reading blogs and forums - everyday, but I'm not posting and not commenting much (I try to post but I'm having some blogger issues) I don't have a reason for it other than my head is not in the same place as it once was.
I'm still very much an Infertile. So much so that I keep becoming aware as CD1 keeps coming around without an invitation. I still get the jealous/sad/angry feeling every time a big round (or small little bump) comes my way or another "announcement" is told. It still hurts that I am constantly reminded how my ENTIRE family seems to get pg by thinking about having having sex while I...not so much.
But, I do have LMI and that makes it all easier. She brightens my day when in feeling low. She reminds me of why I need to keep trying and fighting to add to our family and why I can't fall apart when AF comes knocking on my door.
I have an appointment with the new local RE on Tuesday and I'm not sure what direction to take. On the one hand, A and I are enjoying the "trying" phase again. It is hard to remember back to that part from TTC1 because even then I knew that it would not be successful. But, as each cycle passes it does get harder and harder and I am very aware that time is not friend. Heck medical intervention may not be my friend. It wasn't in the past.
I'm petrified that LMI was my one and only chance at a pg. nothing worked before and we are clearly not the couple that once you have your body is "fixed". So I'm not sure where that leads me.
I miss IVF. Weird to say and admit but I do. There was/is a part of me that misses the early morning dates with the dildo cam and the monitoring. The numerous injections (not the actual needle, but what it represented) and the procedures themselves and the hope that came along with all 4 IVFs and 2 DE FETs.
I don't miss the FAILURE. I don't miss the extreme heartache, jealousy, self defeat and depression. I don't miss that place that I was in for so so long.
I promised myself that I was done with IVF. That if after six natural cycles I would go back to CO and use my DE embryos. I'm still on board with this plan - except for the natural cycle part. Maybe there is a middle ground? Maybe I should try adding some injections? Maybe some real monitoring? Maybe IUIs? But really, if IVF didn't work on me - will any of this over the counter stuff?
My head is all over the place right now. Not sure what Tuesday will bring or what I may ask for...I guess time will tell.
-R.
I'm still very much an Infertile. So much so that I keep becoming aware as CD1 keeps coming around without an invitation. I still get the jealous/sad/angry feeling every time a big round (or small little bump) comes my way or another "announcement" is told. It still hurts that I am constantly reminded how my ENTIRE family seems to get pg by thinking about having having sex while I...not so much.
But, I do have LMI and that makes it all easier. She brightens my day when in feeling low. She reminds me of why I need to keep trying and fighting to add to our family and why I can't fall apart when AF comes knocking on my door.
I have an appointment with the new local RE on Tuesday and I'm not sure what direction to take. On the one hand, A and I are enjoying the "trying" phase again. It is hard to remember back to that part from TTC1 because even then I knew that it would not be successful. But, as each cycle passes it does get harder and harder and I am very aware that time is not friend. Heck medical intervention may not be my friend. It wasn't in the past.
I'm petrified that LMI was my one and only chance at a pg. nothing worked before and we are clearly not the couple that once you have your body is "fixed". So I'm not sure where that leads me.
I miss IVF. Weird to say and admit but I do. There was/is a part of me that misses the early morning dates with the dildo cam and the monitoring. The numerous injections (not the actual needle, but what it represented) and the procedures themselves and the hope that came along with all 4 IVFs and 2 DE FETs.
I don't miss the FAILURE. I don't miss the extreme heartache, jealousy, self defeat and depression. I don't miss that place that I was in for so so long.
I promised myself that I was done with IVF. That if after six natural cycles I would go back to CO and use my DE embryos. I'm still on board with this plan - except for the natural cycle part. Maybe there is a middle ground? Maybe I should try adding some injections? Maybe some real monitoring? Maybe IUIs? But really, if IVF didn't work on me - will any of this over the counter stuff?
My head is all over the place right now. Not sure what Tuesday will bring or what I may ask for...I guess time will tell.
-R.
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
What a year!
It has taken me a while to write this post even though in reality I have been thinking about it for quite some time.
LMI turned the Big-One on the 23rd. To say it was a day I will never forget is an understatement. It started with A and I going into her room in the morning and singing her happy birthday. Tears immediately filled my eyes, but I was able to hold it together. It was a regular morning for us all - work and daycare, but I managed to leave work early so we could have some family time. We took for her one year photoshoot and cake smash. Until now, LMI has eaten everything except sweets. I really wanted to capture her first taste on film and it was not disappointing. Afterwards we had a nice dinner just the three of us and then it was off to bed.
It was the perfect way to celebrate.
LMI continues to change all the time. She is cruising around every piece of furniture she can reach and is always pulling herself up to stand. She isn't so sturdy to let go, it will come in time. A few months ago I was sure that she would be walking by now, but now I think it could be a few more months as she really isn't showing much interest. I just hope I am with her for her first steps. She officially has two and half words. Up, uh oh and mmmmm (as in this tastes so good). Its so cute when she throws her sippy cup on the ground and says uh oh. Her hair is also growing and now it can finally hold a tiny clip - no more mistaking her for a boy!
She is still my petite little girl weighing in at 15lbs6oz and measuring 27" at her check up. She loves loves loves to read and can literally sit for twenty minutes just looking at the pictures and flipping through the pages. It is so special to see her gravitate towards books even when there are toys around. It makes my teacher heart expand.
We still look at her everyday and wonder how we were so lucky. I am still completely dumbfounded that she was even conceived at all - especially now with all this trying again. I know my story is not conventional. I know that things like don't happen all the time. I know that this may not happen again for us.
LMI has brought life back into me. The years of TTCing drained me. I don't think I realized how much until I started to feel happy again. I feel like I can breathe. I am coming out of my depressed fog more and more each day and feeling like a happier and healthier R.
LMI turned the Big-One on the 23rd. To say it was a day I will never forget is an understatement. It started with A and I going into her room in the morning and singing her happy birthday. Tears immediately filled my eyes, but I was able to hold it together. It was a regular morning for us all - work and daycare, but I managed to leave work early so we could have some family time. We took for her one year photoshoot and cake smash. Until now, LMI has eaten everything except sweets. I really wanted to capture her first taste on film and it was not disappointing. Afterwards we had a nice dinner just the three of us and then it was off to bed.
It was the perfect way to celebrate.
LMI continues to change all the time. She is cruising around every piece of furniture she can reach and is always pulling herself up to stand. She isn't so sturdy to let go, it will come in time. A few months ago I was sure that she would be walking by now, but now I think it could be a few more months as she really isn't showing much interest. I just hope I am with her for her first steps. She officially has two and half words. Up, uh oh and mmmmm (as in this tastes so good). Its so cute when she throws her sippy cup on the ground and says uh oh. Her hair is also growing and now it can finally hold a tiny clip - no more mistaking her for a boy!
She is still my petite little girl weighing in at 15lbs6oz and measuring 27" at her check up. She loves loves loves to read and can literally sit for twenty minutes just looking at the pictures and flipping through the pages. It is so special to see her gravitate towards books even when there are toys around. It makes my teacher heart expand.
We still look at her everyday and wonder how we were so lucky. I am still completely dumbfounded that she was even conceived at all - especially now with all this trying again. I know my story is not conventional. I know that things like don't happen all the time. I know that this may not happen again for us.
LMI has brought life back into me. The years of TTCing drained me. I don't think I realized how much until I started to feel happy again. I feel like I can breathe. I am coming out of my depressed fog more and more each day and feeling like a happier and healthier R.
Saturday, August 18, 2012
Back to Reality
I thought that LMI "fixed" me. That her conception, pregnancy and birth deleted my IF status and made me like them. As much as I talk about TTC2 and needing to go back through all the shit that comes with IF including going to Denver, somewhere deep down I thought I wouldn't. I would continue down the urban legend path, the one where once you have a baby the next comes sooooo easily.
Oh how wrong I was. This was our eleventh month without birth control. It was my fifth actual cycle and our first timed BD according to my holyfuckingawesome ultrasound that showed my thick and triple patterned lining and dominant follicle.
I don't think I was prepared for a BFN. I even had the end.omet.rium ready to start shoving. How pathetic is that?
IF sucks. This is just another reminder of how much.
-R.
Oh how wrong I was. This was our eleventh month without birth control. It was my fifth actual cycle and our first timed BD according to my holyfuckingawesome ultrasound that showed my thick and triple patterned lining and dominant follicle.
I don't think I was prepared for a BFN. I even had the end.omet.rium ready to start shoving. How pathetic is that?
IF sucks. This is just another reminder of how much.
-R.
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