That's right. I think the emotions and the hormones and the fear have turned me into a mega-bitch. Sorry A. (He doesn't read this blog, but he checks it sometimes, so I figure I'll put the apology out there and hopefully he will know.)
Tomorrow I am going to speak with my CCRM nurse and my local RE regarding next steps. I am now in unchartered territory and I don't really have a plan (which is so not like me). My nurse told me I need to get an OB, ok, how do you do that? I've never been pregnant and my family doctor does my yearly checks so I've never had to see one before. Also, can I go to any doctor, or do they have special doctors for IVF patients, or lunatics like I may turn out to be. I have always considered myself a pretty level headed person, but I feel the need to protect myself and this pregnancy so I may turn into one of those patients they make fun of.
What's the difference between a highrisk and a regular OB anyway? Does it really make a difference?
***
On another note, my sister finally told my family last night her news. She waited until I heard my results so I was still first to announce. My parents are literally in shock. My brother cried (but told my sister as happy as is he is for her, the tears were for me...he is so sweet). My dad is really concerned about me. He wishes there was a way for us both to tell our extended families together (there isn't because she is already 10 weeks, and I will wait until I am 12 weeks) as he feels my grandparents are going to be devastated for me. It is true, they will be. That will be hard for me. It will suck actually, but I will have to keep telling myself that soon will be my turn. (Please remind me of this on Father's Day when she makes her big announcements and everyone there gives me the sad, pathetic, I'm so sorry for you eyes.) Otherwise, it was pretty awesome for both of us to share such news on the same day. Yes, there will be times (like Father's Day) where it will hurt and sting and suck that she is farther along than me, but then there are the other days where we can shop together, talk about our bodies changing and our symptoms and just be two best friends and sisters going through pregnancy together. I guess I will just have to remind myself of the positives from time to time.
New Symptoms: nauseous when brushing teeth, acne on chin and bitchy.
-R.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Beta 2
It's official, I am pregnant. Holy shit.
Beta came back at 547 so more than doubled. Not really sure what the time was (or how to calculate that).
THANK YOU for your support, I don't think I would have made it this far without you.
Symptoms: who cares!
-R.
Beta came back at 547 so more than doubled. Not really sure what the time was (or how to calculate that).
THANK YOU for your support, I don't think I would have made it this far without you.
Symptoms: who cares!
-R.
Friday, June 4, 2010
Symbols
Is insomnia a side effect? I thought I was just nervous all those days leading up to yesterday's beta, but it's now 5:39 am , and I have already been wide awake for at least and hour. I am not complaining. I will take any and all side effects - no matter how tired or sick they make me. Just wanted to ask some of those more experienced ladies, if it still my nervous or if there is a reason for my lack of sleep.
***
Yesterday was an awesome day. Of course the Big Fat Beta, played a role, but it was also the last day of teaching for the year. School is not over, but now the students are getting ready for their end of the year exams so my role as 'teacher' is official over. I think I mentioned in a post or two that this year has been awful professionally for me. I have been miserable.
I am an Special Education teacher and have been teaching for 8 years. This year was my first year in a secondary school. When I accepted the job, I had high hopes. I was getting ready to fly out to Denver for my ODWU and upcoming cycle and I was hired to work at Branch A (the school has two campuses). We all know how my cycle ended up, and I got transferred to Branch B. My IVF failure almost destroyed me. It left me broken in ways I didn't realize at the time (it took LOTS of time with SJ to figure this out) and in many ways, tainted my outlook on my job. I was bitter, overworked and sad. I never took it out on my students, but I don't think I gave my all.
The first semester, I hated the fact that I was forced to work the entire school year. It made me resent my job and my life. It didn't help matters that my principal and I didn't see eye to eye on the principal foundations of special education. I felt like I was no good at the one thing I excelled at...my job. I sucked at infertility and now at my job too. It was a really difficult time.
So in January, I gave my official notice to resign at the end of the year. It felt amazing to finally do something for myself and I was convinced back then, that my DE journey would be smooth and that I would be expecting a baby in early fall so I would have an extended summer. Things don't work out the way we plan.
I started looking for a new job, and was unofficially offered a dream job. I don't want to jinx it by sharing some details until it becomes official, which will hopefully be really soon. I am very excited to start this job in Septemebr and am feeling positive about my career for the first time in months. I am thankful for that.
This beta has brought me (hopefully) to an end of an era. I hope the misery is over. I think there is something really powerful in the fact that two very significant life moments happened on the same day, I mean really, what are the chances?
***
In Judaism, the number 13, is special. It is not seen as bad luck, but rather the opposite.
- It is the age where a Jewish boy, has his Bar Mitzvah* (a ceremony where he will read from the Torah for the first time and become a man in the eyes of the religion).
- Rambam's Thirteen Fundamental Principles (a list of Jewish beliefs created by the medieval Jewish philospher Maimonides).
- Thirteen Divine Attributes of Mercy (God revealed these to Moses after the golden calf incident when Moses wanted to find a way for the Jews to seek forgiveness).
*Jewish girls have their Bat Mitzvah between 12-13 years old. (Mine was on my 13th birthday).
As you can see, the number thirteen has deep roots in my relgion. It is the also the number of embryos I have transferred to date. It has taken 13 embryos to get me pregnant.
I love religion and it has always been a large part of who I am, but I am not a traditional observant Jew. I look for the meaning behind the customs and decide how I can incorporate the elements into my life. So for me, the fact the my 13th embryo worked, is really amazing.
***
Today is my first official full day being pregnant. I plan to relish every moment. I am still terrified for beta 2, but I am going to focus on the positives and the symbols that have appeared.
Symptoms: insomnia (although I am sure I will be exhausted soon), same boobs and cramping, a bit more queasiness (had a handful of dry Cheerios at 4:45 am which helped).
-R.
***
Yesterday was an awesome day. Of course the Big Fat Beta, played a role, but it was also the last day of teaching for the year. School is not over, but now the students are getting ready for their end of the year exams so my role as 'teacher' is official over. I think I mentioned in a post or two that this year has been awful professionally for me. I have been miserable.
I am an Special Education teacher and have been teaching for 8 years. This year was my first year in a secondary school. When I accepted the job, I had high hopes. I was getting ready to fly out to Denver for my ODWU and upcoming cycle and I was hired to work at Branch A (the school has two campuses). We all know how my cycle ended up, and I got transferred to Branch B. My IVF failure almost destroyed me. It left me broken in ways I didn't realize at the time (it took LOTS of time with SJ to figure this out) and in many ways, tainted my outlook on my job. I was bitter, overworked and sad. I never took it out on my students, but I don't think I gave my all.
The first semester, I hated the fact that I was forced to work the entire school year. It made me resent my job and my life. It didn't help matters that my principal and I didn't see eye to eye on the principal foundations of special education. I felt like I was no good at the one thing I excelled at...my job. I sucked at infertility and now at my job too. It was a really difficult time.
So in January, I gave my official notice to resign at the end of the year. It felt amazing to finally do something for myself and I was convinced back then, that my DE journey would be smooth and that I would be expecting a baby in early fall so I would have an extended summer. Things don't work out the way we plan.
I started looking for a new job, and was unofficially offered a dream job. I don't want to jinx it by sharing some details until it becomes official, which will hopefully be really soon. I am very excited to start this job in Septemebr and am feeling positive about my career for the first time in months. I am thankful for that.
This beta has brought me (hopefully) to an end of an era. I hope the misery is over. I think there is something really powerful in the fact that two very significant life moments happened on the same day, I mean really, what are the chances?
***
In Judaism, the number 13, is special. It is not seen as bad luck, but rather the opposite.
- It is the age where a Jewish boy, has his Bar Mitzvah* (a ceremony where he will read from the Torah for the first time and become a man in the eyes of the religion).
- Rambam's Thirteen Fundamental Principles (a list of Jewish beliefs created by the medieval Jewish philospher Maimonides).
- Thirteen Divine Attributes of Mercy (God revealed these to Moses after the golden calf incident when Moses wanted to find a way for the Jews to seek forgiveness).
*Jewish girls have their Bat Mitzvah between 12-13 years old. (Mine was on my 13th birthday).
As you can see, the number thirteen has deep roots in my relgion. It is the also the number of embryos I have transferred to date. It has taken 13 embryos to get me pregnant.
I love religion and it has always been a large part of who I am, but I am not a traditional observant Jew. I look for the meaning behind the customs and decide how I can incorporate the elements into my life. So for me, the fact the my 13th embryo worked, is really amazing.
***
Today is my first official full day being pregnant. I plan to relish every moment. I am still terrified for beta 2, but I am going to focus on the positives and the symbols that have appeared.
Symptoms: insomnia (although I am sure I will be exhausted soon), same boobs and cramping, a bit more queasiness (had a handful of dry Cheerios at 4:45 am which helped).
-R.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
9dp5dt - BETA DAY
Again, I woke up early...this time 5:00am. It was too early to put in my Estrace so I lay in bed waiting. That felt like hours. I finally got out of bed, got ready and drove to the RE's office. I was really worried to get there, because of the spotting, but again, I put on some pumped up Glee music and chanted to myself that I needed the number to be over 100. I also was nervous, because the last time I was in that office, I was having my hysterical breakdown over the stupid ultrasound findings. Luckily, no one brought it up and they were all really supportive.
I got home, and needed to calm myself down so I POAS - another digital. At 7dp5dt it said I was 1-2 weeks pregnant (I still can't believe that). Today at 9dp5dt it said i was 2-3 weeks pregnant so I felt like my number was getting up there and going in the right direction.
I had to teach one class this morning and then I had a three hour break so of course I rushed home. A message was waiting for me from my local RE. It was good news.
My beta came in at: 252. I am shocked.
At 11:03am (9:03am mountain time) my CCRM nurse called. When she asked how I was my reply was 252 happy. I told her that I am still concerned about the spotting and that I really need things to continue to go right on Saturdays test as I have never passed a second test, which is when she asked if I ever had a number that high before. Um no. She told me the dates of my next two ultrasounds and my due date. I couldn't believe that she was so confident.
For today, I am overwhelmed, ecstatic, scared shitless and so thankful. Especially to all you who have supported me in ways that I will never be able to repay. THANK YOU.
Symptoms: cramping, nervous stomach, headache from hell, sore boobs.
-R.
I got home, and needed to calm myself down so I POAS - another digital. At 7dp5dt it said I was 1-2 weeks pregnant (I still can't believe that). Today at 9dp5dt it said i was 2-3 weeks pregnant so I felt like my number was getting up there and going in the right direction.
I had to teach one class this morning and then I had a three hour break so of course I rushed home. A message was waiting for me from my local RE. It was good news.
My beta came in at: 252. I am shocked.
At 11:03am (9:03am mountain time) my CCRM nurse called. When she asked how I was my reply was 252 happy. I told her that I am still concerned about the spotting and that I really need things to continue to go right on Saturdays test as I have never passed a second test, which is when she asked if I ever had a number that high before. Um no. She told me the dates of my next two ultrasounds and my due date. I couldn't believe that she was so confident.
For today, I am overwhelmed, ecstatic, scared shitless and so thankful. Especially to all you who have supported me in ways that I will never be able to repay. THANK YOU.
Symptoms: cramping, nervous stomach, headache from hell, sore boobs.
-R.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Ask and You Shall Receive
Pie asked, so I will do it. Here are my stick pictures. For those of you who find this insensitive, I am truly sorry. It is not my intent to throw salt in your wounds, I know them all too well and mine run really really deep.
FYI- the spotting has slowed down, if not stopped. And there have been no more intense cramping episodes so that is good. I think I also have a new symptom: acne. I know I've said it before, but tomorrow cannot come fast enough.
-R.
FYI- the spotting has slowed down, if not stopped. And there have been no more intense cramping episodes so that is good. I think I also have a new symptom: acne. I know I've said it before, but tomorrow cannot come fast enough.
-R.
8dp5dt
I'm freaking out. Sometime this morning and only for a few seconds the cramping intensified. So much that I remember clenching the desk, breathing and then it was over. A few hours later when I went to the washroom I had some brown (I think its brown, but it mixed with the green Estrace pill so who knows) on my liner. Ok freakout begin. Could it be that I've had false hope all this time? I knew this was probably too good to be true. I really need this to work out.
I emailed my nurse and luckily got a reply within minutes. She assured me that spotting is totally normal - especially around beta time. I should make sure to drink lots of fluids. Ok, feeling a tiny bit better.
I'm more nervous for tomorrow's test then ever. When I had my chemical pregnancy my intial beta was 75, I need this one to be higher.
Have I been too optimstic? Did I take the sticks for granted? I hope the test tomorrow proves my biggest were just that, unfounded fears, but right now...I'm terrified.
Symptoms: sore boobs, queasy, cramping, tired (although I wake up early without the alarm :( ).
I emailed my nurse and luckily got a reply within minutes. She assured me that spotting is totally normal - especially around beta time. I should make sure to drink lots of fluids. Ok, feeling a tiny bit better.
I'm more nervous for tomorrow's test then ever. When I had my chemical pregnancy my intial beta was 75, I need this one to be higher.
Have I been too optimstic? Did I take the sticks for granted? I hope the test tomorrow proves my biggest were just that, unfounded fears, but right now...I'm terrified.
Symptoms: sore boobs, queasy, cramping, tired (although I wake up early without the alarm :( ).
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
7dp5dt
The line is still there, coming faster and getting darker. The excitement is not going away. POAS is the most fun I have had...ever. (I promise once I have beta results I will not mention POAS again.)
On the sister front, yes, I'm upset. My IF scars run very deep and a few positive pee sticks does not take that away. HOWEVER, I am getting used to the idea. I think I needed the initial shock to wear off, and now I can start to become excited. I love her and would never want our relationship to suffer out of jealousy or anything else, but at the same time, this hurts.
Smptoms: cramping continues (feels similar to AF cramps, but more intense), tired, sore boobs, headache and queasy feeling (so not eating much today- maybe the cause of the headache?)
-R.
On the sister front, yes, I'm upset. My IF scars run very deep and a few positive pee sticks does not take that away. HOWEVER, I am getting used to the idea. I think I needed the initial shock to wear off, and now I can start to become excited. I love her and would never want our relationship to suffer out of jealousy or anything else, but at the same time, this hurts.
Smptoms: cramping continues (feels similar to AF cramps, but more intense), tired, sore boobs, headache and queasy feeling (so not eating much today- maybe the cause of the headache?)
-R.
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