I feel like I am home. The airport, streets and sights are all familiar to me. It is almost too easy here. We had an uneventful flight (thank goodness) and then went straight to the outlet mall. My new dream job does not allow me to wear jeans and so I needed to get some new pants. I got three pairs so I am happy with that start. A. had never been to the outlets before, had a good time as well as we were able to be outside enjoying the nice weather while shopping at the same time.
We checked into the hotel and it is nice. Compared to the Stay.bridge and Home.wood, the Inv.erness is a luxury hotel. It is the perfect place to come for a ODWU or a check me over trip. I would not recommend it for a long stay. As nice as it is, the room and being cooped up for a few days, would become crowded very fast. The do have a spa though. We when got to the hotel, A. was exhausted so as he slept, I took the opportunity to treat myself to a massage. The change room is equipped with a steam, showers, etc. and there is an exclusive to spa guests only outdoor hot tub. It was so nice, especially since I was the only person there. Heavenly. The massage was awesome as well, it was expensive but worth it. (Registered massage therapists preform the massage so I am able to claim it on my insurance-yay.)
Then it was the moment I was most anticipating. My face-to-face with my friend Cassie. A. and I picked her up and we went to dinner at the Cheese.cake Fac.tory. We had such a good time just relaxing, chatting and eating super delicious cheesecake. I felt like we were old friends catching up. It felt so natural to just be myself because I had no secrets from her. She, like all of you, know my inner thoughts so it was a liberating experience as no one in my social circle knows about my struggles.
Now, I am exhausted and completely freaked for tomorrow's appointments. I really hope my uterus is all clear and that I am able to finalize a plan to move forward. I am ready.
-R.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Saying Goodbye and Moving Forward--UPDATED
I find it so funny that as soon as I have an emotional response to my IF journey, I immediately run to my computer to blog about it. Actually, I am not sure if it is funny or sad, but either way I am so glad to have you in my life. A. and I are heading out to Denver tomorrow early morning and we have friends coming for a BBQ tonight so we are both prepping for tonight and tomorrow. I decided that when I return from Denver, I do not want any reminders of this pregnancy. I want/need a clean slate. A place to move forward from. It is like I have been frozen in time since it happened.
I haven't changed anything. My bathroom was frozen in time (of course, I have cleaned it, just not tidied it).
The pee sticks were exactly where I had left them as well as all the miscarriage supplies (different size maxi pads, pain meds, etc.). They were constant reminders and also a bit comforting as well. Almost like a sign that reads, "remember me, I was here". But, it is quite painful to get caught off guard and have the reminders. A. and I agreed that it was time to get rid of the sticks. I was ok picking them up, walking downstairs to the garbage and then I froze. I must have clenched the sticks and stared at them for a good five minutes at least. I didn't want to let go. I couldn't let go. A. kept telling me it was alright if I kept them, but I didn't want to. This was one of the more difficult things I have done. Saying goodbye. As the tears were rolling down my cheeks, I was hoping that this would not be the last time I would see those two beautiful lines again.
A. was extremely supportive, but so optimistic at the same time. I wish I could be optimistic right now. What if I never see those lines again? I finally gathered the strength and tossed (rather violently) the sticks in the garbage and then cried as A. hugged me. I think this was the first time we "cried" (ok me, but we were together) over this miscarriage together. We have come a long way in our relationship from a few months ago. We are stronger for the difficult times, but are so fucking ready to move onto the next stage.
The expecting stage.
***
Warning TMI ahead: On a completely separate note, my AF is here with a vengeance. Maybe it is much heavier after a miscarriage, I don't know. Will it be a problem if I am still bleeding on Monday for the hysteroscopy? It will be day 8 then. Normally, I have a very light flow and it only lasts a couple of days (3 max) so this is new territory for me.
***
UPDATED: I just had to post a picture of the ice cream party we had for dessert (I made vanilla bean and milk chocolate). I think my friend went a little nuts with the topping selections. Enjoy!
I haven't changed anything. My bathroom was frozen in time (of course, I have cleaned it, just not tidied it).
The pee sticks were exactly where I had left them as well as all the miscarriage supplies (different size maxi pads, pain meds, etc.). They were constant reminders and also a bit comforting as well. Almost like a sign that reads, "remember me, I was here". But, it is quite painful to get caught off guard and have the reminders. A. and I agreed that it was time to get rid of the sticks. I was ok picking them up, walking downstairs to the garbage and then I froze. I must have clenched the sticks and stared at them for a good five minutes at least. I didn't want to let go. I couldn't let go. A. kept telling me it was alright if I kept them, but I didn't want to. This was one of the more difficult things I have done. Saying goodbye. As the tears were rolling down my cheeks, I was hoping that this would not be the last time I would see those two beautiful lines again.
A. was extremely supportive, but so optimistic at the same time. I wish I could be optimistic right now. What if I never see those lines again? I finally gathered the strength and tossed (rather violently) the sticks in the garbage and then cried as A. hugged me. I think this was the first time we "cried" (ok me, but we were together) over this miscarriage together. We have come a long way in our relationship from a few months ago. We are stronger for the difficult times, but are so fucking ready to move onto the next stage.
The expecting stage.
***
Warning TMI ahead: On a completely separate note, my AF is here with a vengeance. Maybe it is much heavier after a miscarriage, I don't know. Will it be a problem if I am still bleeding on Monday for the hysteroscopy? It will be day 8 then. Normally, I have a very light flow and it only lasts a couple of days (3 max) so this is new territory for me.
***
UPDATED: I just had to post a picture of the ice cream party we had for dessert (I made vanilla bean and milk chocolate). I think my friend went a little nuts with the topping selections. Enjoy!
Friday, August 6, 2010
Monday
My friend Lis just found out that her husband is going away for several months. Please go over and give her some support.
Monday is going to be a big day. It is my hysteroscopy. I am so hoping and praying and hoping and praying (repeat this another thousand or so times) that everything will turn up normal and that there is no reason to think that my uterus was at fault for the miscarriage. I really want to try again to carry a pregnancy. I want to experience the movement, the bonding and almost all parts of bringing a baby into the world (not so keen on the painful labour part). I hope that meeting with the dr face-to-face he will have some more ideas about what went wrong and what we can do differently for next time. Please let there be a next time.
On the one hand, I want a different protocol. I need to change some of the variables, but then I get scared. It worked. Just not for long enough. Why change the protocol? I am just so torn because I don't know what caused the miscarriage and since I will never know, I just have to trust the medical experts and that is why they make the BIG bucks!
Monday will also be the fifth time to Denver in the last 13 months. That is a whole lot of Denver time. Last summer I was so filled with hope as I headed out to Colorado and now I am filled with fear. I truly believed that I would be in a different place after my ODWU last July. In a way I am, I am grieved the loss of my genetically related children and have moved forward with DE, I am just not ready to grieve the loss of my uterus.
Monday will also be my sister's 18+ week ultrasound. I can't believe that we are in this place already. She has decided to find out the sex of the baby and this terrifies me. As the oldest child and grandchild, I had always pictured my first child a girl to follow in my footsteps. If she brings the first girl to the family, I may break even more than I already am. My dreams are crumbling around me and I can't do anything to take the pain away. Day to day, I am handling this pregnancy ok, but in my alone time, I just want to explode. It just isn't fair.
-R.
Monday is going to be a big day. It is my hysteroscopy. I am so hoping and praying and hoping and praying (repeat this another thousand or so times) that everything will turn up normal and that there is no reason to think that my uterus was at fault for the miscarriage. I really want to try again to carry a pregnancy. I want to experience the movement, the bonding and almost all parts of bringing a baby into the world (not so keen on the painful labour part). I hope that meeting with the dr face-to-face he will have some more ideas about what went wrong and what we can do differently for next time. Please let there be a next time.
On the one hand, I want a different protocol. I need to change some of the variables, but then I get scared. It worked. Just not for long enough. Why change the protocol? I am just so torn because I don't know what caused the miscarriage and since I will never know, I just have to trust the medical experts and that is why they make the BIG bucks!
Monday will also be the fifth time to Denver in the last 13 months. That is a whole lot of Denver time. Last summer I was so filled with hope as I headed out to Colorado and now I am filled with fear. I truly believed that I would be in a different place after my ODWU last July. In a way I am, I am grieved the loss of my genetically related children and have moved forward with DE, I am just not ready to grieve the loss of my uterus.
Monday will also be my sister's 18+ week ultrasound. I can't believe that we are in this place already. She has decided to find out the sex of the baby and this terrifies me. As the oldest child and grandchild, I had always pictured my first child a girl to follow in my footsteps. If she brings the first girl to the family, I may break even more than I already am. My dreams are crumbling around me and I can't do anything to take the pain away. Day to day, I am handling this pregnancy ok, but in my alone time, I just want to explode. It just isn't fair.
-R.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Finally
I finally got a hold of the nurse today. Apparently, she sent the prescription, but I never received it. She sent it again and now I have it. Good, cross one thing off my list. Yay. In terms of the endometrial biopsy, she was no help at all. She basically told me to discuss it with the dr when I see him. Ok, but might that be too late? At this point, I am really trying to just let the chips roll where they may. But this is something that I need to learn to do. I just really hope that the hysteroscopy doesn't find yet another problem. Sigh.
-R.
-R.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Was it Something I Said?
I have been trying to get a hold of my nurse for two days now. Not an email reply or phone call back...nothing, not a word. I am getting really frustrated and annoyed by this. I do not think that I am overly pushy or in your face, but when I need something, I ask for it. I make sure that I am on top of my shit because no one else cares as much as I do. When I booked my appointments for next week the receptionist told me I need to take antibiotics before the hysteroscopy. So, I emailed the nurse, but haven't heard back. It has been two days. I also want to discuss the endometrial biopsy and if it is the right time to move forward with this procedure, but again no response. Tomorrow I am going to leave a phone message, but seriously, this is ridiculous. Anyone find themselves in a similar situation? How did you handle it?
-R.
-R.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Getting My AF On
Yup, that's right, she came. I thought it would be difficult for me, a reminder of sorts, but it wasn't. I was relieved actually that my body was working and ahead of schedule. I was planning on asking my local RE today for a prescription fro Pro.vera to bring on AF anyway so I was expecting this. I will admit that even though I knew it was impossible as my hcg is still positive, I thought maybe; but no and I'm ok with that. HCG came in today at 16.14 so it is dropping, at least that's something.
As soon as I realized AF was here, I immediately called CCRM to book my hysteroscopy. It's all set, A. and I leave for Denver on Sunday, spend the afternoon at CCRM on Monday and return home on Tuesday. I have to admit that I'm excited. We are treating it like a mini vacation and even managed to splurge on something we always talked about...the In.verness.
I thought it would be a good idea to stay with an outdoor pool as we will have a lot of down time (I have no interest in seeing the sights this time around) and so we decided to just book it. They have lower rates on weekends (Fri and Sat), but they said they would give me the weekend rate for Sun and the regular rate for Mon so it isn't so bad really. See how I justify?
I'm feeling pretty good right now. Things will hopefully fall into place. My plan is to have the hysteroscopy on Day 8 and I am also going to inquire about the possibility of having the endometrial biopsy done at the same time. If you have experience with this please let me know...especially about the pain part.
So for now, I'm in a decent place and getting ready to pick up the pieces and move forward.
-R.
As soon as I realized AF was here, I immediately called CCRM to book my hysteroscopy. It's all set, A. and I leave for Denver on Sunday, spend the afternoon at CCRM on Monday and return home on Tuesday. I have to admit that I'm excited. We are treating it like a mini vacation and even managed to splurge on something we always talked about...the In.verness.
I thought it would be a good idea to stay with an outdoor pool as we will have a lot of down time (I have no interest in seeing the sights this time around) and so we decided to just book it. They have lower rates on weekends (Fri and Sat), but they said they would give me the weekend rate for Sun and the regular rate for Mon so it isn't so bad really. See how I justify?
I'm feeling pretty good right now. Things will hopefully fall into place. My plan is to have the hysteroscopy on Day 8 and I am also going to inquire about the possibility of having the endometrial biopsy done at the same time. If you have experience with this please let me know...especially about the pain part.
So for now, I'm in a decent place and getting ready to pick up the pieces and move forward.
-R.
Monday, August 2, 2010
The Wedding
I know you were probably on pins and needles dying to hear the long drama about the wedding (ha ha), but I will tell you anyway and then never speak of it again. It was beautiful. My cousin was absolutely glowing and I couldn't have been happier for her and her new husband. The day went off without a hitch, which is exactly what you want on your wedding day. Everything from the weather to flowers to pictures and the such were flawless. What a relief as there were some weather reports of thunderstorms, but luckily all we had was sun shine.
There was a lot of pregnancy talk throughout the day. That was difficult for me. First, at the hairdresser where he saw my sister for the first time. Sis is really good of not initiating the conversation about her pregnancy, but when asked she does reply and her face lights up. I would not expect anything less, but it is still extremely difficult for me. The pg bridesmaid looked amazing. I had a few moments where I had to take a private moment (a few seconds really) and catch my breath because I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. I pictured how different the day should have been and how cute I had hoped to look. Not in the cards.
The ceremony was literally the longest ceremony of life (and I have been to a lot of weddings). Seriously, I felt like I was standing forever and so did my feet. By the end, they were so sore that they were turning numb and tingling. Immediately after the ceremony I put on flip flops and was great for the rest of night.
My trick of holding a drink at all times was almost flawless. There was one moment where I went to go to the bathroom and it happened. A woman who works with my uncle congratulated me on my news. I informed her with attitude that she had already asked me this (a few weeks earlier) and that it was my sister. She then proceeded to go on and say how she thought it was both of us. My reply was quite rude and I just said something like, No, only her...not me. I then stormed off. Later she found me to apologize and I just said that in the past week many people are confusing me with her and I just can't take it anymore. Whatever, I don't even care.
So then it was back to drinking...heavily. But, I am feeling good this morning. No hangover or anything. It is so amazing to me how your body just remembers how to normal after not indulging for sometime. Maybe the weekly drinking of wine A. and I have been doing this summer helped as well.
All in all it was a beautiful day, but I am really glad that it is over and I can now focus on something else. There is a video clip that I am dying to put up, but I am just waiting for link. I will update the post when I have it.
-R.
There was a lot of pregnancy talk throughout the day. That was difficult for me. First, at the hairdresser where he saw my sister for the first time. Sis is really good of not initiating the conversation about her pregnancy, but when asked she does reply and her face lights up. I would not expect anything less, but it is still extremely difficult for me. The pg bridesmaid looked amazing. I had a few moments where I had to take a private moment (a few seconds really) and catch my breath because I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. I pictured how different the day should have been and how cute I had hoped to look. Not in the cards.
The ceremony was literally the longest ceremony of life (and I have been to a lot of weddings). Seriously, I felt like I was standing forever and so did my feet. By the end, they were so sore that they were turning numb and tingling. Immediately after the ceremony I put on flip flops and was great for the rest of night.
My trick of holding a drink at all times was almost flawless. There was one moment where I went to go to the bathroom and it happened. A woman who works with my uncle congratulated me on my news. I informed her with attitude that she had already asked me this (a few weeks earlier) and that it was my sister. She then proceeded to go on and say how she thought it was both of us. My reply was quite rude and I just said something like, No, only her...not me. I then stormed off. Later she found me to apologize and I just said that in the past week many people are confusing me with her and I just can't take it anymore. Whatever, I don't even care.
So then it was back to drinking...heavily. But, I am feeling good this morning. No hangover or anything. It is so amazing to me how your body just remembers how to normal after not indulging for sometime. Maybe the weekly drinking of wine A. and I have been doing this summer helped as well.
All in all it was a beautiful day, but I am really glad that it is over and I can now focus on something else. There is a video clip that I am dying to put up, but I am just waiting for link. I will update the post when I have it.
-R.
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