Hello, I'm R.

Yesterday A. and I drove 1.5 hours and met the GC and her family. Until now, all our communication has been between her and I and mostly via text and email (although we have had the occasional phone call). I was a mixed bag of emotions - to be expected I guess, but in the car on the way over it really hit me, why we were going.

A. and I were joking on the drive over that it didn't matter, she was just our oven, 'Kitchen Aid' is what we jokingly referred to her as, but we were so wrong. She was so much more than we could have hoped. Her and her family were so warm and inviting, it really made thankful that we found someone so relatable. She and I are around the same age and so were A. and her DH, so already it was easy. (She told me that her last IPs were in their 50s - so she was happy with us too.) Her children were also adorable. At first, I thought that I had no interest in meeting her family as this is a business relationship, but again I was wrong. I realized that assuming she passes the ODWU on Friday and I know this a huge assumption, that we will be in each other's lives for the next year if not longer.

Wow. There are so many emotions floating around inside me right now, but for today I am thankful for her and hopeful that she passes the tests on Friday. Please please please let Friday be ok.

-R.

The First of Many Steps

Big sigh of relief. The GC had her appointment with the MFM dr today. I was literally on bated breath all day waiting for her to call with the recommendation.

He approved her! He said that since didn't develop the preeclampsia symptoms until the very end of her pregnancy she is a low risk for a reoccurance. He gave her a 7% chance of this happening again, which (no dr...yet) think is low.

We are both comfortable moving forward as is NN. This is the first piece of good news I have had in a long time. I am going to ride this wave for the next week.

Next step - ODWU on the 17th!

Fyi- I wrote my letter in class that night. I wrote that I hope I am closer to motherhood. Not too much on the subject as I still don't want to be the one devastates myself next year.

-R.

A Letter.

Tonight was the final class for my course. The facilitator had us write a letter to ourselves that she will mail to us in January 2012. I didn't know what to write. Should I write that I hope to finally be a mom? Um no, because if the letter arrives and I am still no closer to motherhood I will fall apart. I just stared at the paper and watched as the other class members began writing away as if they had no cares in the world. Oh, how I wish I had no cares.

What would you write to yourself today, that you will read in a year?

-R.

Our party was a great success. Thirty people were crammed into our house and feasted on bagels with tuna, egg and cream cheese, lasagna, bean salad, tomato bocchinni salad, sweet potato and zucchini latkes and regular latkes too. It was quite the meal. Everyone is so appreciated and fun was had by all.



A. and I have been hosting this party for five years now. Each year we get better at it, we know how much food to make, how long we will need to get things organized and how much money it will cost. We got this. We look forward to this party all year long. I wasn't so into it this year. For one, I was anticipating my sister's water breaking in my kitchen and the entire party would focus around her labour. Thank goodness that didn't happen. I had also dreamed about being very pregnant at the party this year. I would be in my third trimester by now, getting ready to be a mom, but instead I am stuck in this place and watching as literally everyone else I know either enjoys motherhood or is preparing to.

As of now, we still have no word from the MFM dr on when or if he will be able to see the GC. I have approached a second dr as a back-up and am hoping to hear something tomorrow.

When I first started this blog back in January, I posted every day. My goal was to post until my baby arrived. As the time passes and I am no closer to my dream than I was back then (actually I am farther) I find I don't mind letting time pass between posts. I am just really sad. My heart aches to be a mother and give A. children, and I think I am finally (a little late) realizing all that I have lost. I will never see my face in someone else's and I probably will never experience the feelings associated with bringing a life into this world. It hurts. A lot.

I find myself staring at my sister. The image of her replies in my head and I can't help but ask what she did to deserve this and I don't? At least when it was DE, I knew I would experience a pregnancy or if it was just GC, I would have my genes, but to have neither is just cruel. I just need this nightmare to end. People tell me (all the fucking time) that once I hold my baby in my arms, the pain of this struggle will disappear. I find that hard to believe, but I am so ready for it be less. I can't take the pain anymore.

-R.

The Look

Tonight A. and I went to an engagement party. We met a lady that grew up with A.'s dad. She asked us if we had kids, we replied no. She then asked us how long we were married, we said 6 six. Then she gave us the look.

0R.

Deep Breaths

The countdown has started. December has just begun, but already I feel myself wishing the days away. The update on the GC is that she passed the initial phone screening (yay) and is going to Denver for the ODWU on Dec. 17th. We are still waiting for the appointment with the MFM dr, however I think we are making some headway in that area. Dec. 17th is also that last day of class before winter break and that is going to be a much needed break as I am exhausted from all the stress in my life.

We have also started the countdown to the new arrival, my sister's baby. I haven't talked about it much lately because my life is filled with other time consuming drama, but it is still unbearably difficult for me. I love my sister and I am excited to be an aunt, but...

My brother and I decided that we were going to buy her a diaper bag for her present. Since I am the shopper of the family it was my job to pick it out. I literally took some deep breaths and entered a baby store. I kept my eye on the prize and didn't get too overwhelmed. I picked this bag.

I was actually quite proud of myself for keeping myself together. It was only after when I went to the greeting card store that I started getting upset and needed to leave - before purchasing anything.



***

I have to say a huge thank you to Pumpkin for giving me this award. She recently discovered that she is a carrier of familial dysautonomia, a genetic disease that is common in Ahskenazi Jews and she is understandable shaken by the news so please go over and send her some love.

So many of your blogs are amazing and to single out just 5 is difficult, so please consider yourselves all nominated!

-R.

Happy Hanukkah

Tonight we light the first candle in honour of Hanukkah. It is always a special time of year me that is not tainted by IF (unlike what I am sure Christmas is to many of you). We do not do presents or even have big celebrations, except for one rockin' family party hosted by us. A. and I through a mean party and we do go all out, so this should be fun. At least I am excited for that, I guess its something.

To all that celebrate, I wish you a Chag Sameach filled with lots of grease and carbs.
-R.