I'm petite. Maybe not always in the weight category, but my frame is small. Up until now I have been gaining weight at a normal steady pace averaging a pound a week...until now. I gained 4.4lbs in one week. Holy cow! I don't care about the excessive gain, I actually think its funny. I'm so not one of those people who obsess over what they eat, and how much they workout and so on, but I do try to be healthy. I eat well and am doing my prental videos (although probably not as much as I should). The OB told me that right now the weight is not an issue, but if it happens again next week it could be warning signs for pre-eclampsia. Great.
On the list of my worries, this is at the bottom as I need to prioritize my stress and there are only so many worries I can handle right now. So I'm taking the humour route that I'm a fatty!
In other news, school is almost out for the summer and I am starting to feel anxious about being off work. Its weird, I have wanted and waited for maternity leave for 5 years and now that I am just over a week away, I'm scared. I'm not sure of what exactly, but still scared. Its irrational I know, but I love my job and feel like I'm going to miss it over the next 14 months. I have thought about going back sooner, but not sure if it financially smart. So I'm scared, but crazy excited too.
I wrote my HR department yesterday that I will officially start my maternity leave as of September 1st and I had to keep pinching myself to believe that I was writing this! I'm still crazy reserved about all things pregnancy related but as the weeks move on, I'm getting more in the groove of things.
My one issue right now is whether to take a prenatal class or not. I want a C-Sec for anxiety reasons, but at this point the head is done so not sure how the OB will feel about that (I know there is still time for turning). But, my anxiety over being in that room with all the other pg ladies freaks me out. I can't handle silly pg chatter and I certainly won't do well with labour complications talk. So I'm stuck. We have options and I would love feedback on which path to choose:
1. Suck it up and take the class
2. Do the class privately for more money
3. Avoid the class like the plague and read A LOT
So that's where my head is today. I'm a few days away from T3 and as it happens that will fall on Father's Day (at least something to take away the bitterness and sadness from last year).
-R.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Friday, June 10, 2011
My heart and thoughts are with my dear friend Lisa as she and her husband are in emotional hell after loosing their beautiful babies this week. the out pouring of love of and support that this community has shown her is just another reason why I am so proud to be a part of it. We stand together and support each other both in times of happiness and extreme sadness. I know that I couldn't have survived the last year without all of you and I am forever grateful for the friendships and community I have found. I know that those in IF or PG loss despair are also in agreement when I say, THANK YOU.
***
In other news, I had my follow- up OB appointment and 2 hour GD test. As usual, the results are inconclusive. First, Little Miss IT seems to be doing really well. I had a biophysical ultrasound (BPP) where she scored 8/8! The test measures four different areas and you either score a 0 or a 2, so we are right on track. In terms of her growing, we need to recheck next week as there needs to be at least two weeks between tests to get accurate results. So we will rescan next week and the week after. Yay for more in depths looks at her. She is starting to get more real to me, having some one on one time with her (and the ultrasound techs) has really helped me to bond with her more. Still, I don't have this intense feelings...yet. Now the GD test part two. I technically passed, but by .1 on 2/3 tests, so my OB is not convinced that I am gestational diabetes free and so we repeat the test in two weeks. Ugh! But, better safe than sorry.
So the plan is to continue to get monitored closely and I know that me and the Little Miss will be ok.
-R.
***
In other news, I had my follow- up OB appointment and 2 hour GD test. As usual, the results are inconclusive. First, Little Miss IT seems to be doing really well. I had a biophysical ultrasound (BPP) where she scored 8/8! The test measures four different areas and you either score a 0 or a 2, so we are right on track. In terms of her growing, we need to recheck next week as there needs to be at least two weeks between tests to get accurate results. So we will rescan next week and the week after. Yay for more in depths looks at her. She is starting to get more real to me, having some one on one time with her (and the ultrasound techs) has really helped me to bond with her more. Still, I don't have this intense feelings...yet. Now the GD test part two. I technically passed, but by .1 on 2/3 tests, so my OB is not convinced that I am gestational diabetes free and so we repeat the test in two weeks. Ugh! But, better safe than sorry.
So the plan is to continue to get monitored closely and I know that me and the Little Miss will be ok.
-R.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
25w5d
This is a bitching post please be for warned.
My SIL is pregnant. She told us and some extended family only, but it is still early. So early that she hasn't had an ultrasound to determine a fetal heart, or a uterine pregnancy. To refresh, she got married earlier this year and this was a wanted, but not ovulatary planned pregnancy. Although I am in a better place I am still so envious. For starters this now make both my sister and SIL more than fertile, first try fertile (FTF) and that just really hurts me.
I would not wish IF on my worst enemy, but the first try, seriously?
Aside from being FTF, she also completely naive about the real life effects of pregnancy loss. She is so confident (and I pray she is right) that everything will be fine. I want that for myself. I live every day in fear, and she, in nauseous bliss. The excitement and joy of excitement was ripped from me because of my past. When we learned we were pregnant, my first instinct was anger and resentment, why now, why give me this to take it away? I will admit that am now in a MUCH better place emotionally, but still those scars run deep and witnessing the sheer joy and optimism of pregnancy just makes me realize how much I want that for myself.
***
Yesterday was a cluster fuck of events. It started with a hectic work morning and then a shit show of disaster in the afternoon. The good news is my first test for Fifths Disease came back negative and we had a long and detailed ultrasound today where we got see Little Miss IT up close...so cool! The bad - I failed the 1 hr glucose test. Of course, are you surprised? I'm not. I eat healthy (of course I have a snack here and there, but am a well balanced eater) and my weight gain has been great, 18 pounds so far. I need to go back for the 2 hr test and I know this isn't a diagnosis, but it will mean diet changes at least. For those that know anything about levels, my OBs cut off is 7.8 before the next level of testing and I came in at 8.5. Yikes. Not looking too good. Of course I will happily give up ice cream and fruit and bread to make sure that me and the little miss are healthy, but it still sucks.
The ultrasound today had it's pros. It was performed on a new machine on trial from the company and they even had a rep helping the tech with the ins and outs of it. To get a better feel for the machine, she took her time scanning me and even pointed out the different parts. It was really cool to see her fully formed features and I even think she has A's facial structure. AND, my cervix is long and closed. Relief! The con was that the accuracy of scan is questionable. In true R. style, we had a scary result and needed a redo scan. The new machine clocked her growth as small. The 10th percentile. Not good. To be fair, I am petite and was not expecting a big baby, but the word small is scary. The second ultrasound on the older machine found her growth to be petite at the 30th percentile. Much better, but which do you believe? Again I find myself in the situation where I need to trust and believe. OB believes in the older machine, but we are going to rescan next week and move from there.
Can't anything be easy for once?
Ok, bitchy rant over. I want to leave off with a close up of my beauty, Little Miss IT!
My SIL is pregnant. She told us and some extended family only, but it is still early. So early that she hasn't had an ultrasound to determine a fetal heart, or a uterine pregnancy. To refresh, she got married earlier this year and this was a wanted, but not ovulatary planned pregnancy. Although I am in a better place I am still so envious. For starters this now make both my sister and SIL more than fertile, first try fertile (FTF) and that just really hurts me.
I would not wish IF on my worst enemy, but the first try, seriously?
Aside from being FTF, she also completely naive about the real life effects of pregnancy loss. She is so confident (and I pray she is right) that everything will be fine. I want that for myself. I live every day in fear, and she, in nauseous bliss. The excitement and joy of excitement was ripped from me because of my past. When we learned we were pregnant, my first instinct was anger and resentment, why now, why give me this to take it away? I will admit that am now in a MUCH better place emotionally, but still those scars run deep and witnessing the sheer joy and optimism of pregnancy just makes me realize how much I want that for myself.
***
Yesterday was a cluster fuck of events. It started with a hectic work morning and then a shit show of disaster in the afternoon. The good news is my first test for Fifths Disease came back negative and we had a long and detailed ultrasound today where we got see Little Miss IT up close...so cool! The bad - I failed the 1 hr glucose test. Of course, are you surprised? I'm not. I eat healthy (of course I have a snack here and there, but am a well balanced eater) and my weight gain has been great, 18 pounds so far. I need to go back for the 2 hr test and I know this isn't a diagnosis, but it will mean diet changes at least. For those that know anything about levels, my OBs cut off is 7.8 before the next level of testing and I came in at 8.5. Yikes. Not looking too good. Of course I will happily give up ice cream and fruit and bread to make sure that me and the little miss are healthy, but it still sucks.
The ultrasound today had it's pros. It was performed on a new machine on trial from the company and they even had a rep helping the tech with the ins and outs of it. To get a better feel for the machine, she took her time scanning me and even pointed out the different parts. It was really cool to see her fully formed features and I even think she has A's facial structure. AND, my cervix is long and closed. Relief! The con was that the accuracy of scan is questionable. In true R. style, we had a scary result and needed a redo scan. The new machine clocked her growth as small. The 10th percentile. Not good. To be fair, I am petite and was not expecting a big baby, but the word small is scary. The second ultrasound on the older machine found her growth to be petite at the 30th percentile. Much better, but which do you believe? Again I find myself in the situation where I need to trust and believe. OB believes in the older machine, but we are going to rescan next week and move from there.
Can't anything be easy for once?
Ok, bitchy rant over. I want to leave off with a close up of my beauty, Little Miss IT!
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
One year ago
Last year on this day I was in Denver for my first DE transfer. I was so filled with hope and anticipation and so was A. I remember waking up in the Home.wood and answering the call from embryology about my ideas for how many to thaw and transfer. I remember how when A was there for the retrieval he had a special breakfast of themed "egg" foods and specific reasons for eating them. I remember lying on the table having my acupuncture appointment and Dr. Schoo.craft coming in for the transfer and me saying that this was the last time he would see me. I remember watching the season finale of Gre.ys Ana.tomy eating P.F. Changs (remember the shootout?). I remember every part of that trip and the excitement/anticipation I felt surrounding it.
The transfer was successful and we saw our first ever positive pee stick. The next few days were those of sheer happiness and then in an instant our lives were turned upside down. It started with spotting and then a couple of ultrasounds that showed no fetal heartbeat. The next days were spent agonizing over which treatment would be quicker, better for my already shitty uterus and cause less pain. Ultimately the miscarriage changed me in a way I didn't know was possible. My marriage was so deeply threatened that there were many many time I didn't know if we would survive. But we did. I did.
Fast forward a year and A and I both are such different places. We are happy, our marriage is stronger than ever and we are finally close to becoming parents. When I think back to the he'll of last year it was started by this anniversary. I have been in a fog all day and couldn't really understand why. It is the enormity of it all. The looking back on how much we've been through and how far we've come. I don't take moments for granted. I cherish the fact that I am in this better place - especially when I know many others are not.
For my friends who are in emotional hell right now, I am so sorry. I can only hope that next year will better.
-R.
The transfer was successful and we saw our first ever positive pee stick. The next few days were those of sheer happiness and then in an instant our lives were turned upside down. It started with spotting and then a couple of ultrasounds that showed no fetal heartbeat. The next days were spent agonizing over which treatment would be quicker, better for my already shitty uterus and cause less pain. Ultimately the miscarriage changed me in a way I didn't know was possible. My marriage was so deeply threatened that there were many many time I didn't know if we would survive. But we did. I did.
Fast forward a year and A and I both are such different places. We are happy, our marriage is stronger than ever and we are finally close to becoming parents. When I think back to the he'll of last year it was started by this anniversary. I have been in a fog all day and couldn't really understand why. It is the enormity of it all. The looking back on how much we've been through and how far we've come. I don't take moments for granted. I cherish the fact that I am in this better place - especially when I know many others are not.
For my friends who are in emotional hell right now, I am so sorry. I can only hope that next year will better.
-R.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
24 Weeks!
Happy viability day to me! Today was all around awesome day. I woke up early to bake Bare.foot Cont.essa double chocolate brownies (holy shit they're good) and then came back to bed to wake up with the sound of Little Miss IT's heartbeat. We had brunch with his family and then saw Th.or (I hated it, A loved it) followed by dinner with my family.
Wow, it was an emotional and exhausting day. I'm a broken record already I know, but how in the he'll did I get here? As each day passes and we get further along, I find myself beginning to feel more connected. It helps a lot knowing that I have an amazing medical team that is working hard to alleviate my anxieties and that both A and I have felt her kick. I think it's kind of creepy, but reassuring none the less.
Work is super busy right now trying to get the students ready for exams and plan for next year, but I continue to enjoy every minute of being there. I continually remind myself how proud I am of myself fir taking the leap and quitting my awful job last year. Overall I am a much happier person.
This post is happy, that's a positive change, I hope it continues. Today I am feeling good. I'm having an emotionally stable day and physically feeling well so I count this as a major milestone for me. Thank you to those who told me I would feel connected in my own way and time, you were right. I still can't say, "I'm pregnant" or anything similar and I have terrible anxiety towards any group prenatal activites, but I'm making small steps.
Sorry I haven't blogged or commented much lately, I have been overwhelmed by work and other non-pg related stuff, but I am still reading. Thank you for continuing to support me, as always it helps me get through the day.
-R.
Wow, it was an emotional and exhausting day. I'm a broken record already I know, but how in the he'll did I get here? As each day passes and we get further along, I find myself beginning to feel more connected. It helps a lot knowing that I have an amazing medical team that is working hard to alleviate my anxieties and that both A and I have felt her kick. I think it's kind of creepy, but reassuring none the less.
Work is super busy right now trying to get the students ready for exams and plan for next year, but I continue to enjoy every minute of being there. I continually remind myself how proud I am of myself fir taking the leap and quitting my awful job last year. Overall I am a much happier person.
This post is happy, that's a positive change, I hope it continues. Today I am feeling good. I'm having an emotionally stable day and physically feeling well so I count this as a major milestone for me. Thank you to those who told me I would feel connected in my own way and time, you were right. I still can't say, "I'm pregnant" or anything similar and I have terrible anxiety towards any group prenatal activites, but I'm making small steps.
Sorry I haven't blogged or commented much lately, I have been overwhelmed by work and other non-pg related stuff, but I am still reading. Thank you for continuing to support me, as always it helps me get through the day.
-R.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
22W2D
Yesterday morning I had some spotting. It was pink and very light. I wasn't totally freaked out (so weird for me), but I still decided to call OB since I was going there for an appointment for my blood pressure anyway.
OB did an internal exam and my cervix is closed, but measured 2cm - not good. Off to the ultrasound I went for a "cervical check and viability scan". Holy shit this is serious I thought.
It turns out that everything is fine. It was uterine bleeding, but so faint that it was undetected on the ultrasound. My good old friend 'dildo cam' and I were reuinited and it revealed that my cervix is much longer than anticipated (internals not as accurate) and the crisis was averted.
What was funny for me was the amount of prep that they gave me before the transvaginal exam. I explained that I have had hundreds of these scans, but they still needed to follow protocol and explain everything.
What I am most happy about was my reaction. I did not jump to worse case scenarios at first (unlike my friend who shall remain nameless ;)) and I remained calm and focused during the L-O-N-G investigation yesterday. I also found myself telling Little Miss IT (who is still a girl) not to worry and that I would protect her. Huge progress for me on the bonding issue. So proud of myself for that.
The OB could not find a reason to explain the spotting, but told me not to worry, but if it comes back to go back and see him or go to the ER.
Today I am blood free and feeling good. I'm just so thankful for another day.
-R.
OB did an internal exam and my cervix is closed, but measured 2cm - not good. Off to the ultrasound I went for a "cervical check and viability scan". Holy shit this is serious I thought.
It turns out that everything is fine. It was uterine bleeding, but so faint that it was undetected on the ultrasound. My good old friend 'dildo cam' and I were reuinited and it revealed that my cervix is much longer than anticipated (internals not as accurate) and the crisis was averted.
What was funny for me was the amount of prep that they gave me before the transvaginal exam. I explained that I have had hundreds of these scans, but they still needed to follow protocol and explain everything.
What I am most happy about was my reaction. I did not jump to worse case scenarios at first (unlike my friend who shall remain nameless ;)) and I remained calm and focused during the L-O-N-G investigation yesterday. I also found myself telling Little Miss IT (who is still a girl) not to worry and that I would protect her. Huge progress for me on the bonding issue. So proud of myself for that.
The OB could not find a reason to explain the spotting, but told me not to worry, but if it comes back to go back and see him or go to the ER.
Today I am blood free and feeling good. I'm just so thankful for another day.
-R.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Raging Hormones
I have become a raging hormonal beyotch! Seriously, I can't seem to get my hormones in check and it is starting to scare me.
Yesterday was an emotional day for me. It was brought to my attention just how fucked up IF and my personal journey has made me. People are afraid of me. Not in the I'm going to hurt you kind of way, but more in the don't talk to her about her pregnancy or anything slightly related as we don't know how she will react. Yup, apparently, I have put out the vibe for everyone to pretend as if I am not pregnant. Wow. That's news to me.
To be fair, I have never been one to gush over something and I am not such a touchy feely kind of person, so I would never have been all over this belly of mine anyway...but I can see how I am a bit of ticking time bomb, but can you blame me? The last five years have been plagued with nothing but heartache, fear, anxiety, depression, loss... Of course I am guarded. Of course I am scared to death - especially now with my newest set of anxieties, however I am keeping those worries at bay and am doing a pretty job of it.
I am mad. Mad at everyone that is judging me right now. Who do they think they are? A. has always been the eternal optimist and in his heart he knew everything would be ok (this drives me NUTS) so as much as he longed for a child and was devastated with each disappointment, failure and loss - he didn't allow it to destroy him. On the outside he was the same optimistic person he has always been. Pair that up with me, and well you have a couple of polar opposites.
I thought I was doing well. I talk about the pregnancy when I can, and even had A's family listen to the heartbeat on the doppler. I wear maternity clothes and make reference to Little Miss IT and her arrival on an ongoing basis. BUT, I am not keen on anyone except A. touching my belly - at least not until there is definitive movement and I am not all roses and sunshine all the time. I am scared shitless.
I still have a hard time around babies and toddlers - especially those conceived since we have been TTCing. I don't go out of my way to engage them and apparently their parents get upset. Really? How fucking stupid is that? In the last three weeks, two different sets of parents have commented to A. that I did not seem that taken by their children. Seriously? WTH? These are both from people that know intimately what we have gone through and even if they didn't, who cares. I didn't realize that the proper protocol for seeing a friend's child is to stop everything and devote all your time to their infant or toddler - that doesn't know me. Are these people for real? Am I wrong? And besides, it was not as if I ignored them and their children, I said hello and made a comment about how cute their child was, but that was probably all. I guess that wasn't good enough.
I hate feeling judged. I told A. that I don't want to be around people who scrutinize every thing I do with their higher than thou microscope. I can't take it. If I could live in a private bubble, I would.
I honestly don't know how to move past this. I am not going to change in the next four months. I continue to worry about the fate of this pregnancy and Little Miss IT. I don't want to share the intimate details of my anxiety with the world, nor should I have to, but I feel that people demand this. It is so unfair that this time in my life is being tainted by selfishness. I have every right to act and behave however I choose and if people don't get that, they can fuck themselves in my opinion. A. agrees with me, but not enough to let people have it when they come to him with their stupid shit. UGH.
Today is Mother's Day (like we all could forget) and although I am not yet a mother, I am closer than I have ever been. I should be happy today. I should be celebrating the huge milestone that is approaching. I should be excited that I am two weeks away from viability, but unfortunately, I am mess like every year. This year should be different - and in many ways it is, but there is still profound sadness in my heart. Being pregnant does not take away the pain of the last five years nor does it make you forget. For me it was the opposite. It is a constant reminder of how life is unpredictable and we are not in control of anything. Don't get me wrong, I am so thankful to be here and the bonding between me and Little Miss IT has definitely started, but that is separate. I can't forget my past as it makes me appreciate my present. I am not taking one minute of this miracle for granted, but I am also very aware that we are far from the other side.
I am sure this post came across like a rambling mess, but that's what I have in me right now. I don't have the strength to talk about my real Mother's Day feelings or seeing my sister and niece today. I just don't have it in me. I'm tired of feeling like a failure and a depressed mess. I am tired of people commenting on my every move. I am just so tired of all of this. Thanks for reading and supporting me. I know today is excruciatingly difficult for so many and I don't want to come across as insensitive or ungrateful. I am going to blame the hormones for my irrational behaviour and emotions.
-R.
Yesterday was an emotional day for me. It was brought to my attention just how fucked up IF and my personal journey has made me. People are afraid of me. Not in the I'm going to hurt you kind of way, but more in the don't talk to her about her pregnancy or anything slightly related as we don't know how she will react. Yup, apparently, I have put out the vibe for everyone to pretend as if I am not pregnant. Wow. That's news to me.
To be fair, I have never been one to gush over something and I am not such a touchy feely kind of person, so I would never have been all over this belly of mine anyway...but I can see how I am a bit of ticking time bomb, but can you blame me? The last five years have been plagued with nothing but heartache, fear, anxiety, depression, loss... Of course I am guarded. Of course I am scared to death - especially now with my newest set of anxieties, however I am keeping those worries at bay and am doing a pretty job of it.
I am mad. Mad at everyone that is judging me right now. Who do they think they are? A. has always been the eternal optimist and in his heart he knew everything would be ok (this drives me NUTS) so as much as he longed for a child and was devastated with each disappointment, failure and loss - he didn't allow it to destroy him. On the outside he was the same optimistic person he has always been. Pair that up with me, and well you have a couple of polar opposites.
I thought I was doing well. I talk about the pregnancy when I can, and even had A's family listen to the heartbeat on the doppler. I wear maternity clothes and make reference to Little Miss IT and her arrival on an ongoing basis. BUT, I am not keen on anyone except A. touching my belly - at least not until there is definitive movement and I am not all roses and sunshine all the time. I am scared shitless.
I still have a hard time around babies and toddlers - especially those conceived since we have been TTCing. I don't go out of my way to engage them and apparently their parents get upset. Really? How fucking stupid is that? In the last three weeks, two different sets of parents have commented to A. that I did not seem that taken by their children. Seriously? WTH? These are both from people that know intimately what we have gone through and even if they didn't, who cares. I didn't realize that the proper protocol for seeing a friend's child is to stop everything and devote all your time to their infant or toddler - that doesn't know me. Are these people for real? Am I wrong? And besides, it was not as if I ignored them and their children, I said hello and made a comment about how cute their child was, but that was probably all. I guess that wasn't good enough.
I hate feeling judged. I told A. that I don't want to be around people who scrutinize every thing I do with their higher than thou microscope. I can't take it. If I could live in a private bubble, I would.
I honestly don't know how to move past this. I am not going to change in the next four months. I continue to worry about the fate of this pregnancy and Little Miss IT. I don't want to share the intimate details of my anxiety with the world, nor should I have to, but I feel that people demand this. It is so unfair that this time in my life is being tainted by selfishness. I have every right to act and behave however I choose and if people don't get that, they can fuck themselves in my opinion. A. agrees with me, but not enough to let people have it when they come to him with their stupid shit. UGH.
Today is Mother's Day (like we all could forget) and although I am not yet a mother, I am closer than I have ever been. I should be happy today. I should be celebrating the huge milestone that is approaching. I should be excited that I am two weeks away from viability, but unfortunately, I am mess like every year. This year should be different - and in many ways it is, but there is still profound sadness in my heart. Being pregnant does not take away the pain of the last five years nor does it make you forget. For me it was the opposite. It is a constant reminder of how life is unpredictable and we are not in control of anything. Don't get me wrong, I am so thankful to be here and the bonding between me and Little Miss IT has definitely started, but that is separate. I can't forget my past as it makes me appreciate my present. I am not taking one minute of this miracle for granted, but I am also very aware that we are far from the other side.
I am sure this post came across like a rambling mess, but that's what I have in me right now. I don't have the strength to talk about my real Mother's Day feelings or seeing my sister and niece today. I just don't have it in me. I'm tired of feeling like a failure and a depressed mess. I am tired of people commenting on my every move. I am just so tired of all of this. Thanks for reading and supporting me. I know today is excruciatingly difficult for so many and I don't want to come across as insensitive or ungrateful. I am going to blame the hormones for my irrational behaviour and emotions.
-R.
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