Talking

It has been a really hard few days and I suspect that they will continue to be difficult as A. and I navigate ourselves through this time. Last night we finally were able to begin talking. He was able to get a lot off his chest, which was both difficult for him to say and me to hear. But I think it needed to be said.

Yes, I think the grief and the shock of what has happened to us brought this, but it was probably inevitable. I have been in IF hell for three years and that isn't easy for anyone. A. feels that I put others before him. I didn't know he felt this way. I guess if I'm being honest, I do do that. As I explained to him, he is the only person that understands what I am going through so I think I took that for granted. I feel like I need to act that everything is ok with me in front of our family and friends and its exhausting so I don't pretend for A., I use the knowledge that we have a strong committed marriage to just withdrawal from the world and I guess I need to put more of an effort into making him feel important.

Our problems are not solved...yet. We are on the right track, but we have a way to go. We are going to see SJ on Friday and hopefully she will help us continue to build on the progress that we have started. As A. says, if we weren't in love, we wouldn't be fighting to keep our marriage. I have to keep reminding myself this.

Today is our six year anniversary, but we aren't celebrating or really acknowledging it, and that hurts. I am sad and I feel alone, but hopefully in time it will get better.

So I ask you, how has infertility affected your relationships and how did you come out on the other side?

-R.

Scared

The situation with A. has gone from bad to worse and I am really scared for our future. We are barely speaking and when we do, it is not pleasant. He is so angry and is taking it out on me. I am trying to stay calm and rational about this reminding myself that we are the middle of a crisis, but it is not helping. His words are cutting through me like a sharp knife and I don't know where we will be. I am really really scared for us.

-R.

Dose 3

The final dose has been taken. Again, no severe pain, but also not a lot of blood. I am worried that there is something still left. I have a call into the local RE to discuss the next steps. I will have an ultrasound and repeat beta tests until it is back to zero. Apparently, the longer it takes to get back to zero, the longer it will take for my next period to arrive. Waiting game again. UGH!

Physically, I'm managing. Psychologically, not so much. A. and I are having a hard time dealing with the grief and I fear we are taking it out on each other unintentionally. We are both suffering in silence instead of together and this has been the worst part for me. I miss him and need him, but am hurting too much to be the first to give in (no matter how stupid or silly that sounds). I haven't left the bed in days and don't really have a desire to, but think I need to. I may try and get some fresh air today even if it is only for a few minutes. Maybe it can help me get some perspective?

I know that this pregnancy was only a few weeks, but I was attached. Even though I knew things can go wrong and it was still very early, I let myself get attached. Now, I am trying to keep my head above water. I know that it will get easier in time, but it is just so damn hard right now. At times, I still feel pregnant and this is the cruelest part. The part where you forget for a second that your world has been turned upside down and may never feel normal again. I was shown a glimpse of happiness and it was ripped from me in a matter of seconds. It took three and half and years to get this glimpse, I hope if there is another glimpse, it won't wait so long to find me.

-R.

Dose 2

It wasn't so bad either. I had a lot of sweating and chills and my body was extremely achy, but no severe cramps. Also no bleeding. I was advised to wait 24 hours before taking the third dose just to see if my body responds longer to the medication. This morning there was still no bleeding so I just inserted the last dose. Hopefully it will work as I would hate to need the D&C after all of this.

-R.

Dose 1

First dose is down and it wasn't bad at all. I took 800 mcg of the pill and had a pain killer every six hours. To be honest, I think I psychologically felt some cramping throughout the night, but not in reality. I did sleep, which was really good. I also listened to my hypnosis cd right after i put the pills in so that calmed down a lot.

The worst part by far was sitting in the bathroom before I inserted the first dose. I just held my tummy and cried. This was the time that I was really saying goodbye and I love you. It was probably the hardest moment of my life. I just wiped my tears, took a deep breath and did it. It sucked, but its over. I have been in bed ever since.

This morning, I am bleeding with dark clots (that look like period clots thank god), but only when I go to the bathroom. Thankfully there is nothing on the massive overnight pad my mom bought me. I heard that the heavy bleeding will be today, oh the joy. The other side effect that I think I have is the chills. I am usually so hot, but I am feeling chilly, although not exactly feverish. I'm sweating a bit, but can't be without the covers. If this is the worst it gets, I can do this.

A. has to go out this morning. His cousin had a baby and today is her baby naming. In Judaism, this is where the child is named in a synagogue with her Hebrew name. His cousins from out of town will be there and I would hate for him to miss this. He would have stayed back to be with me, but I know this is important for him. He has been really amazing and suportive through this whole mess and I think this is the first time that we have been on the same page when given devastating news. Maybe this is my bright light? My sister will come and hang out with me this morning until A. comes home. Things are fine between us, but I am sure my emotions and feelings will go back and forth as her pregnancy progresses and her body changes, but for now, I am not letting it ruin our strong bond.

My second dose is in about an hour. Hopefully it will be the same as the first one. I am so ready to just be done with this and move on.

-R.

Scared

The bleeding stopped, so I need the pills. I spoke to an OB that is friends with my father and he said that it is pretty likely I won't be in exrusiating pain. I really really hope so. I am scared shitless about this, but need this to be over. I also need some control over the situation. I can't go about my daily life wondering when massive bleeding is going to start. This is the best of the worst for me.

If I don't write tomorrow, you will know why. I so hope that is not the case. I really really hope it is not bad. Can you tell how scared I am?

Thanks for all the support you have shown me through emails and comments, it has really helped.

-R.

Official Job!

I signed the papers this morning. I am so relieved that something worked out the way it was supposed to and excited at my new job. In September I will be teaching a special education middle school class for half the day and then coordinating the special education program the other half. This job is so perfect for me as it combines my love of classroom instruction with leadership. So yay, somehting good.

On another note, I think I may be bleeding. I mean, I am definetely bleeding and it is bright red, but not enough to soak a liner so I am not sure if that qualifies. Since I am giving myself until tonight to take those dreaded pills, I just want to make sure that the bleeding I'm experiencing is enough to count as the official bleed. Any thoughts? Do we think its like a period where the first day is a bit weak and then it gets heavier? I really want to avoid the pills if I can, but I don't want to prolong this anymore. I just want it over with.

Today is the first time in two weeks that I have somehting to smile about, so I am going to hold on to this feeling.

-R.