Thursday, March 17, 2011

Anxiety Roots - UPDATE

I was so scared to be "out". It brought a new level of anxiety to my world that I didn't even know existed. I had panic attacks, sleepless nights and freak outs. It.Sucked. Thankfully I convinced Dr Dad to order me an ultrasound so that I could reassure myself that IT was still there, with a beating heart and all, everything is fine. We were also able to pick up the heartbeat on the Doppler (which was the first time we actually heart it) and this alleviated my stress. I now can relax and wait until my next OB appointment in two weeks.

My NT results still are not yet in, which is frustrating. I feel like I just need that extra bit of reassurance that things are going on the way they should. Hopefully they will be in soon, but I am trying to hold on to this calmer place that I have found and am not stressing too much about it. Its progress.

People have been so unbelievably amazing towards me when they hear the news. I have never been one to shy away from the fact that I have IF, but have never publicized each IVF attempt, BFN and m/c either. But as I need to keep reminding myself, when you have been married for 7 years with no children and your younger sibling is a mother, people make assumptions (correct ones in my case). Either way, I feel a bit like a celebrity. It is almost as if people feel ok sharing their stories of IF with me because I get it. People are also surprising me with their reactions. Friends that I have lost touch with, and coworkers that I barely know continue to shower me with genuine love and is both wonderful and overwhelming.

I feel like I don't want to let anyone down and this is where the anxiety stems from. Yes, in my head I realize that a m/c at this point would be a slim possibility, but what about all the other complications (high blood pressure, incompetent cervix...) to think of then telling all these people bad news, is at times too much to think about. This is partly why I am what I am, an anxious mess. But as I have said, I am doing better. I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that this is happening and TO ME. This is something that I have worked so hard for for so long and now it may be a reality.

To those of you still waiting for your turn, I know that it may be hard for you to read about me and my story and for that I am sorry. As always I think of all of us and hope that we all get our happy endings...soon.


UPDATE: OB's office called today with my NT risk assessment. Thankfully it came in extremely low at 1:2442! I am so relieved.


  1. Sounds like everything is going well! So glad you're getting love and support from the people in your life.

  2. You are a doll. Stop worrying about letting us down.

    You know what, some folks might have trouble reading. You have a big enough heart to let them step away for the time being while they collect themselves. They will be back.

    Honestly though, seeing that you are a Class A miracle, cannot imagine who would have trouble reading it.

    Anxiety is the new way of life. Then the baby comes home and you think "how can you just LEAVE me with this precious child???"

    Ha. Somehow we figure it out. Take care momma.

  3. Hi!

    I was anxious throughout almost all my pregnancy due to my IF past... which is such a loss of joy. 2 things that helped me to overcome this ( a little bit...;-) were:

    A comment of my coach...She said no matter what will happen. Enjoy this moment. You are pregnant. This feeling can never be taken away from you. Worrying about tomorrow is not going to help you. Enjoy this moment. And if tomorrow brings bad news than still it won't help you to worry about that this moment. So please enjoy and indulge yourself in this happiness.

    And the second one:

    Trust your intuition. And please feel that when your intuition speaks to you if feels different than when your fear speaks. Your intuition is there to look after you, to nourish you. Trust it.

    Hope those thought will also be helpful for you!

  4. Just keep reminding yourself how far you've come with your emotions...that in itself is an accomplishment! Just soo happy for you R!

  5. I totally get how you feel. I am the same way and recently had a meltdown with my parents because they were badgering me to tell my niece and nephew. After an e-mail letting them know that that kind of stress is bad for my health and that I would limit my interactions with them, they backed off and apologized. Sometimes you have to be direct. So nice of you to think of others too.


  6. I have had alot of anxiety with this pg too. How could I trust my body when it consistently let me down? For the longest time I felt like if I talked about it I cursed it. When I started feeling movement, I started to relax a bit. Hang in there!


  7. Dear R, imagine if nothing you could do or not do would let people down. A freeing thought, for sure. You have done so well managing your anxiety with this pregnancy. I know that it keeps creeping up, but you are not letting it sweep you away. I am proud of you (if I'm allowed to be proud of you? I just am anyway :)
    VERY happy and not at all surprised to read that the NT scan showed such low risk.
    Enjoy the moments you can, and let yourself off the hook when you can't. You are doing the very best that you can.

  8. Yay for great test results!! I hope that lets you have a little bit more joy, you deserve it so much.

  9. Yay for the NT results!!

  10. amazing news on the NT scan. This part always makes me nervous for my blog-y friends b/c of my own NT scan. I am sure it feels weird to be "out" but I hope you can enjoy this part just a bit. It certainly sounds like things are moving ahead as planned.
    Lots of love to you....

  11. Great news on the NT results. And I totally get the anxiety. I hope this will help you start to relax a bit so you can enjoy this joyous time - you deserve some normalcy for once!

  12. i am so happy for you that your NT results came back low risk!! it's such a relief, isn't it?

    i also understand the fear of being "out" -- i too was like, "i can't hide it now if something bad happens"...but at the same time it's so nice to be able to talk about it open and freely and have the support of those around you.

    i'm so glad that everything is going well for you! *big hugs*

  13. Awesome news about the NT results.

  14. Wow I have recently began following your blog and sounds like you have wonderful news to share in TTC...I could not read though how you did conceive this baby as you are carrying this baby is that right?
    I think your an amazing person going through this amazing journey and will become a bigger and better person at the end of it and parent to your child