Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Silver Lining

"you have to be gestational to have gestational diabetes" -my mom

Today was a bad day. It was actually one of the worst days I've had in a long time - for sure since learning about I was pregnant. None the less IT SUCKED. I am definitely loosing it, my hormonal lows are beginning to take over and I find myself spending a lot of time crying. (Don't worry, I fully intend to discuss this with SJ tomorrow.).

I attended my first GD class today. There were three of us, I was the youngest and also the only 'intolerant' one. The first thing the nurse said was that no matter what younwere told, you are ALL here because younhave GD and we treat all of you the same. Fuck fuck fuck. The talked about the impact of carbs on the diet and why it is important to maintain appropriate glucose levels and yadda yadda yadda. As the nurse continued to talk, I became overwhelmed. So much so that at two different occasions she stopped talked, directed everyone's attention towards me and asked ifi was ok. I managed to reply yes both times, however in reality I just thinking about was supposed to be done with all this shit - at least for now. My body had failed me yet again (I don't meet any of the criteria to make someone likely to develop GD) and the emotions that came with that realization are to powerful to explain. I am suffocating in self hatred and loathing right now.

When it came time to learning to use my new link, On.e Tou.ch insulin reader, I started to panic. Ok, it's not exactly a needle, but in my FIVE years of IF treatment I have given myself exactly ZERO injections. Until today. I am to test (prick, jab, inject, make bleed, etc) my finger four times a day and record the levels. I am alsos to follow a super strict diet and record everything I am eating. These will be reviewed at my meetings with the dr every two weeks. I feel like I am setting myself up for failure. Like I'm being judged.

I can do this. Of course, sacrifice is my middle name, but pregnancy eating and cravings (not that I have those too often or indulge that often) is the ONLY NORMAL pregnancy thing I did and now even that has been taken away. It just sucks.

A. If you are reading this, I know what I want as a pushing present (a concept that would normally be omitted in our household) a piece of that chocolate cake from The Chee.secake Fact.ory. Not joking.

I know that I am more than blessed to be experiencing a pregnancy and with my genetics to boot, but I seriously can't take anymore stress. Something's gotta give. Today is 29w3d, at this point I hope it make to 36.

At least my mom is right, you have to be gestational to have gestational diabetes. As long as I remember that, I will be ok.



  1. I could have written this post when I was diagnosed at 28 weeks. Truly. Right down to I've never given myself a single injection (and I'm about to start my three a day Hepari.n tomorrow night).

    It was incredibly frustrating, especially in the beginning. I also felt like things were stacked against me (clotting disorder, GD, etc).

    Please, please email me if you want. You can rant/bitch/cry/anything. I'm not saying I'm an expert, but being through it myself (and still going through it), I get it.

    pennstatekell.y atgmail.com (there's no period between the l and the y. Just put it there for security.

  2. I'm sorry R. But your mom is right, and you are strong enough to make it through this. It is just one more bump in the road to bringing home your sweet baby. You will do it, because you always do. And then you'll enjoy that piece of chocolate cheesecake! (YUM! I could go for some right now, but I can't have cheese....)

  3. So sorry you're going through this, although I think your mother's perspective is excellent. Also hold onto the fact that this isn't a life-sentence... it's just for a couple more months (I used to tell myself that a lot, particularly with the PIO shots--I admit, it didn't always help).

    I particularly felt your comment about being judged, since you have to keep track of your diet for a doctor to review. That's the sort of thing that always feels far more invasive to me than any exam. But as the previous poster said, you can do this. It's overwhelming now, but you'll take it one day at a time and you'll find you can do it.

    Don't think about your body failing you, remember that *you* are not failing Little Miss IT--you're doing an amazing job of rising to every obstacle and protecting her. Good luck!

  4. So sorry that you're having to deal with this. As Cassie said, what a relief that it's not forever. That's something, right? Hang in there. xoxo

  5. Hang in there! This does truly suck. You've had just one thing piled on top of another, but I know you'll make it. And I wish you many, many pieces of cheesecake when this is all over in not so many weeks!! Take care.

  6. It totally sucks, you are right, but you are also right that you will be ok. You are one of the strongest women I know (read?) and this is a small, temporary bump. You will survive the suckiness, yet again, and you get an even bigger push present at the end - meeting little IT. And chocolate cake :)


  7. Try to think of it like this:
    If someone told you last year that you would conceive a non-medically induced pregnancy, and therefore retain your genetic connection, experience pregnancy and have your prayers answered, but in return you would have to make certain sacrifices (ie - dietary restrictions, keeping track of what you eat, etc...) I would wager that you would JUMP at the chance and consider yourself the luckiest woman in Canada to do so... it's easy to lose perspective, R. but it's all about the end result. Many, many women will not be so lucky as you. You don't have much longer to go, and then you'll be a Mom to your beautiful little girl and all this will seem like an old dream... dust in the wind. I know it seems daunting and unfair now, but remember the prize at the end the road... You'll get through this fine. You have been a beacon of hope for many woman who read your story, continue to do so... remember, you aren't unlucky - you are lucky beyond most of us's wildest dreams.

    Much love,

  8. I'm so sorry you're going through this! I know it seems so overwhelming right now but fortunately you'll only have to endure this for a very short time and once you're done you'll have your beautiful daughter in your arms. Once that happens you'll know it was all worth it. In the mean time though, 'enjoy' the carb free life - maybe you can try out some new recipes since you like to cook? Hugs to you!

    Mel. - Broken Eggs...

  9. Sorry you are having a hard time, but you know it will be worth it in the end. I had swelling in my legs and ankles at around 32 weeks and one leg was way more swollen than the other. I was told no salt as the weight of the boys was too much for my body to handle well and more salt would be bad. Well, everything has salt. I ate the same meals all the time and it got really boring. The swelling finally went down and I feel a lot better. You don't have too much longer...


  10. I just wanted to say I'm sorry you're having to go through this honey. It sounds really upsetting and frustrating. I would be upset about the dr reviewing every single thing I ate too :( xxx

  11. Wow...your mom totally gets you! What an awesome comment! I am sorry you had such a bad day on Tuesday. And a push present...yeah A...not just a slice of cheesecake...the whole FUCKING cake!!! Hugs...

  12. I am so sorry about this. I hate hate hate the sound of GD. Your nurse sounds a little bit like a butt? Ah, well, some tough love coming your way.

    The quote is great. I love the G in GD.