"you have to be gestational to have gestational diabetes" -my mom
Today was a bad day. It was actually one of the worst days I've had in a long time - for sure since learning about I was pregnant. None the less IT SUCKED. I am definitely loosing it, my hormonal lows are beginning to take over and I find myself spending a lot of time crying. (Don't worry, I fully intend to discuss this with SJ tomorrow.).
I attended my first GD class today. There were three of us, I was the youngest and also the only 'intolerant' one. The first thing the nurse said was that no matter what younwere told, you are ALL here because younhave GD and we treat all of you the same. Fuck fuck fuck. The talked about the impact of carbs on the diet and why it is important to maintain appropriate glucose levels and yadda yadda yadda. As the nurse continued to talk, I became overwhelmed. So much so that at two different occasions she stopped talked, directed everyone's attention towards me and asked ifi was ok. I managed to reply yes both times, however in reality I just thinking about was supposed to be done with all this shit - at least for now. My body had failed me yet again (I don't meet any of the criteria to make someone likely to develop GD) and the emotions that came with that realization are to powerful to explain. I am suffocating in self hatred and loathing right now.
When it came time to learning to use my new link, On.e Tou.ch insulin reader, I started to panic. Ok, it's not exactly a needle, but in my FIVE years of IF treatment I have given myself exactly ZERO injections. Until today. I am to test (prick, jab, inject, make bleed, etc) my finger four times a day and record the levels. I am alsos to follow a super strict diet and record everything I am eating. These will be reviewed at my meetings with the dr every two weeks. I feel like I am setting myself up for failure. Like I'm being judged.
I can do this. Of course, sacrifice is my middle name, but pregnancy eating and cravings (not that I have those too often or indulge that often) is the ONLY NORMAL pregnancy thing I did and now even that has been taken away. It just sucks.
A. If you are reading this, I know what I want as a pushing present (a concept that would normally be omitted in our household) a piece of that chocolate cake from The Chee.secake Fact.ory. Not joking.
I know that I am more than blessed to be experiencing a pregnancy and with my genetics to boot, but I seriously can't take anymore stress. Something's gotta give. Today is 29w3d, at this point I hope it make to 36.
At least my mom is right, you have to be gestational to have gestational diabetes. As long as I remember that, I will be ok.