When I am home with not much to do, I spend my days surfing the net. I am a bit of a junkie that way. I have recently gotten in to watching You Tube videos and I have found quite a few that speak about infertility. A. has come home quite a bit lately and caught me crying and sometimes laughing to these videos. Here are some of my top picks and I hope you enjoy.
**Please note that some of the videos are emotional by nature and anyone feeling raw or vulnerable may want to skip.**
1. Pregnant women are smug - great for a good laugh. I am dying to send this to my fertile friends, but not sure if they would find it as funny as I do.
2. Egg Donor Child- this video is a must see for anyone going through or considering egg donation. It is an interview with a child who was conceived through egg donation.
3. My Aunt Jane Knows More than my RE- a commical song about those WTF comments that fertiles say.
4. A Year in the Life of Infertility- a woman's story told through the song Season of Love from Rent.
5. I'm Here Without Baby- facts and information about infertility.
6. Wedding Dance- this has nothing to do with infertility, but I just LOVE it. It makes me smile every time I watch it.
If you have other videos that you think I (or others) would enjoy, please share. Thanks!
-R.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Monday, April 5, 2010
Happy Birthday A.
A. turns 36 today! I can't believe it. I have always felt that he was old (compared to me), but he is now in his mid thirties, while I am still a young thirty. He is unaffected by his age, probably because he doesn't have a biological clock ticking away, but I guess that's a good thing. When I turned the big 3-0 this year it was such a slap in the face. I just kept thinking about the milestones that I have not yet achieved. But I am not going to dwell or focus on that. I am being more positive these days, remember?
A. has always been a jokester. He loves to make people laugh-especially me. It is one of the things I love about him. I wanted to make him laugh too so I gave him this card:
I wanted to do something special for A. tonight. I am going to make him a nice dinner, and have a quiet evening at home. Usually I would grill up a steak, but I didn't plan this so well tonight. When I went to the supermarket they were sold out. So, we had BBQ chicken wings, mashed potatoes and roasted brussels sprouts. I even indulged and had a wee bit of wine (sshh, don't tell Schoolie). It was really a nice night.
After dinner we are going to cuddle on the couch watching one of our favourite shows, 24 and just be together. What could be better?
-R.
A. has always been a jokester. He loves to make people laugh-especially me. It is one of the things I love about him. I wanted to make him laugh too so I gave him this card:
I wanted to do something special for A. tonight. I am going to make him a nice dinner, and have a quiet evening at home. Usually I would grill up a steak, but I didn't plan this so well tonight. When I went to the supermarket they were sold out. So, we had BBQ chicken wings, mashed potatoes and roasted brussels sprouts. I even indulged and had a wee bit of wine (sshh, don't tell Schoolie). It was really a nice night.
After dinner we are going to cuddle on the couch watching one of our favourite shows, 24 and just be together. What could be better?
-R.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
I'm Getting my Mojo Back
I have been in a funk lately. On and off for three years actually. I have moments where I feel totally deflated and defeated by my infertility and then I have moments where I can go out and live like the rest of the world (well almost). I have decided to try and rejoin the living. Over the years, infertility has affected me in ways I didn't even realize. I have a decreased libido, my clothes and wedding rings don't fit the way they used to (I think I have gained 15 pounds), my thoughts about my job and career are different and of course, my relationships with friends have been tested.
This weekend I had enough of letting infertility run my life, I was going to take it back. The first step, reconnecting with A. I have been on edge lately which hasn't been easy to live with. I am moody, emotional and erratic at times, I honestly don't know how he puts up with me. I am also extremely sensitive these days and the jokes and comments that are said to lighten the mood, just don't. They put me in funk for what seems like days. Thursday night was my mikve night. It was special as I got to incorporate another custom. There is a belief by some, that say if you dip in the water directly after a woman in her ninth month of pregnancy, it should bring you that extra special blessing. My friend (who is having her fifth child any moment), just happened to be available and we went together. It was spiritual, and meaningful and put me in a positive mood. I believe it started me on this upward positivity. I went home to A. ready to be together. I feel like often our intimacy has been tainted by trying to get pregnant, that we or I have forgotten what it was like to just have fun. Well, I remembered. I am still remembering. In fact, this weekend I have remembered a lot.
I am smiling for the first time that I can remember and it feels great. I am so hoping this trend of happiness and enjoyment and calm continues. I know that this month leading up to the transfer will be stressful at times, but I am going to try and be optimistic and hope for the outcome that A. and I so desperately want.
-R.
This weekend I had enough of letting infertility run my life, I was going to take it back. The first step, reconnecting with A. I have been on edge lately which hasn't been easy to live with. I am moody, emotional and erratic at times, I honestly don't know how he puts up with me. I am also extremely sensitive these days and the jokes and comments that are said to lighten the mood, just don't. They put me in funk for what seems like days. Thursday night was my mikve night. It was special as I got to incorporate another custom. There is a belief by some, that say if you dip in the water directly after a woman in her ninth month of pregnancy, it should bring you that extra special blessing. My friend (who is having her fifth child any moment), just happened to be available and we went together. It was spiritual, and meaningful and put me in a positive mood. I believe it started me on this upward positivity. I went home to A. ready to be together. I feel like often our intimacy has been tainted by trying to get pregnant, that we or I have forgotten what it was like to just have fun. Well, I remembered. I am still remembering. In fact, this weekend I have remembered a lot.
I am smiling for the first time that I can remember and it feels great. I am so hoping this trend of happiness and enjoyment and calm continues. I know that this month leading up to the transfer will be stressful at times, but I am going to try and be optimistic and hope for the outcome that A. and I so desperately want.
-R.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
What Do You Think?
In today's paper, this article was published. It is about a new agency (or a new service provided) that deals with embryo donation. Currently in Canada, it is illegal to buy or sell human organs - eggs and embryos included. Not sperm though, that is ok. It is very difficult to complete an anonymous donor egg cycle in Ontario (where I am), which is why many patients (like myself) choose to go to clinics outside of the country.
For me, I like the idea of egg donation opposed to embryo donation for these reasons:
1. No genetic connection for either recipient.
2. Usually they are worse quality embryos and therefore success rates will fluctuate.
3. Different screening and psychological process for both donor and recipient.
For many couples, embryo donation is an option. It is a way for them to achieve their goal of starting a family. The agency fee of $13,500 makes this unattainable for many, many families who need this option. I am not sure I understand the high cost involved and this angers me. In egg donation, I understand the cost. I strongly believe that the donor should be compensated as well as the fees surrounding the cycle itself. In embryo donation, the the cycle is completed, the donor couple receives no compensation and aside from legal fees, there should be little cost involved.
I am so frustrated that once again, starting a family comes with a large price tag. I feel so fortunate and lucky that A. and I were able to cycle once with donor eggs, but my heart aches for those who simply cannot afford this option and would choose it. It just isn't fair. I am not sure if this agency will be attainable to many couples either.
-R.
For me, I like the idea of egg donation opposed to embryo donation for these reasons:
1. No genetic connection for either recipient.
2. Usually they are worse quality embryos and therefore success rates will fluctuate.
3. Different screening and psychological process for both donor and recipient.
For many couples, embryo donation is an option. It is a way for them to achieve their goal of starting a family. The agency fee of $13,500 makes this unattainable for many, many families who need this option. I am not sure I understand the high cost involved and this angers me. In egg donation, I understand the cost. I strongly believe that the donor should be compensated as well as the fees surrounding the cycle itself. In embryo donation, the the cycle is completed, the donor couple receives no compensation and aside from legal fees, there should be little cost involved.
I am so frustrated that once again, starting a family comes with a large price tag. I feel so fortunate and lucky that A. and I were able to cycle once with donor eggs, but my heart aches for those who simply cannot afford this option and would choose it. It just isn't fair. I am not sure if this agency will be attainable to many couples either.
-R.
Friday, April 2, 2010
I Spoke too Soon
When I was at my last session with my social worker, she asked me how I was feeling towards my friends. My response was ok. I am trying to not isolate myself and am even making plans to see people. I am in a pretty good place, as I am finally in a groove where no one in my immediate circle is pregnant. Well, that isn't actually true, A. has one cousin, and there is the bridesmaid and a good friend who lives out of town, but no one in my direct local circle. I realized that for one whole month, no one was pregnant. I guess it had to come crashing down eventually.
I spent the day with a close friend today shopping and hanging out. It was nice to get out of my funk and spend some quality girl time with her and my credit card. I even allowed myself to purchase clothing - something that I love to do, but since TTC, don't really do anymore. This friend has two girls (4 and 2) and I think of them as my nieces. She also has suffered two ectopic pregnancies in the last year (the first one being the day after my chemical pregnancy which I got the call about at her house while I was comforting her about her pregnancy). I know she has wanted a third child and that it has been a struggle for her, but there are two major differences between her and me:
1. In the past year since we both lost our pregnancies, she has conceived a total of 3 times while I have conceived 0 times.
2. She has 2 beautiful daughters at home.
In the car on the way home from shopping (I am driving) she tells me her great news. I am less than excited and my congratulation's probably showed that, but it did not stop her from going on and on and on about this for what seemed like an eternity. I am finding it hard to hold back the tears. I can't believe this is happening to me. This friend knows about my IF struggles and is almost up to date with the situation (knows about CCRM IVF, not DE). I can't believe that she truly thought this was the best way to tell me about being pregnant, she didn't account for my feelings at all. She knows how much I want one child, and how hard and long I have tried, but still no regard. It also bothers me because she is only six weeks. She is not telling anyone else. Why the hell is she telling me then? It is not fair to put the burden of me keeping a secret and not having anyone to grieve with. I am angry about this.
This is one of my closest and oldest friends and we have been through a lot together which is why I am in shock of how she treated me. What does she expect from me? That I will be there to pick up the pieces if the worst should god forbid happen, because right now I am not strong enough for that. I can barely get myself out of bed some days and other days I feel like I daze through the day holding back the tears ready to crumble at the smallest inkling of bad news. I am truly happy for her and wish her nothing but the best and a healthy easy pregnancy, but I just can't help thinking that this was selfish of her. I dropped her off and as soon as the car pulled away, I started crying (bawling actually). It lasted for fifteen minutes straight and then on and off again for hours. I was worried to tell A. that he would think I was overreacting to the situation, but he was surprisingly comforting and agreed that it was not right of her.
At least that was one good thing to come out of this.
-R.
I spent the day with a close friend today shopping and hanging out. It was nice to get out of my funk and spend some quality girl time with her and my credit card. I even allowed myself to purchase clothing - something that I love to do, but since TTC, don't really do anymore. This friend has two girls (4 and 2) and I think of them as my nieces. She also has suffered two ectopic pregnancies in the last year (the first one being the day after my chemical pregnancy which I got the call about at her house while I was comforting her about her pregnancy). I know she has wanted a third child and that it has been a struggle for her, but there are two major differences between her and me:
1. In the past year since we both lost our pregnancies, she has conceived a total of 3 times while I have conceived 0 times.
2. She has 2 beautiful daughters at home.
In the car on the way home from shopping (I am driving) she tells me her great news. I am less than excited and my congratulation's probably showed that, but it did not stop her from going on and on and on about this for what seemed like an eternity. I am finding it hard to hold back the tears. I can't believe this is happening to me. This friend knows about my IF struggles and is almost up to date with the situation (knows about CCRM IVF, not DE). I can't believe that she truly thought this was the best way to tell me about being pregnant, she didn't account for my feelings at all. She knows how much I want one child, and how hard and long I have tried, but still no regard. It also bothers me because she is only six weeks. She is not telling anyone else. Why the hell is she telling me then? It is not fair to put the burden of me keeping a secret and not having anyone to grieve with. I am angry about this.
This is one of my closest and oldest friends and we have been through a lot together which is why I am in shock of how she treated me. What does she expect from me? That I will be there to pick up the pieces if the worst should god forbid happen, because right now I am not strong enough for that. I can barely get myself out of bed some days and other days I feel like I daze through the day holding back the tears ready to crumble at the smallest inkling of bad news. I am truly happy for her and wish her nothing but the best and a healthy easy pregnancy, but I just can't help thinking that this was selfish of her. I dropped her off and as soon as the car pulled away, I started crying (bawling actually). It lasted for fifteen minutes straight and then on and off again for hours. I was worried to tell A. that he would think I was overreacting to the situation, but he was surprisingly comforting and agreed that it was not right of her.
At least that was one good thing to come out of this.
-R.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
I'm a Hormonal Mess
I can't stop crying. I am not sad. I am happy- for the most part, but I can't stop crying. Every little touching moment that I hear about, read about, or watch on TV brings me to tears instantly. Today I was catching up on some TV with the show, Parenthood, (I know bad for us IFers), but an entertaining drama series none the less. Anyway, there is a child character with Autism (although they never outright mention this) and he makes the winning catch in the baseball game, instant tears. I was reading a blog today and she described a magical moment, instant tears. My sister told me a touching love story, instant tears. Lately, it seems like all I do is cry.
I am not a softie. I would not be what you would call emotional, however, I can't stop this freaking crying. I can only attribute it to the estrogen, but it is unsettling at times. I guess this is one more way that infertility has kicked my ass.
-R.
I am not a softie. I would not be what you would call emotional, however, I can't stop this freaking crying. I can only attribute it to the estrogen, but it is unsettling at times. I guess this is one more way that infertility has kicked my ass.
-R.
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