This is my 100th post! When I started this blog I decided that I was going to write everyday to document my journey to motherhood. I had no idea how therapeutic it would be and how this blog has saved me. A. will be the first to tell you that I am not a talker. I don't like discussing my feelings and getting into long personal stories. In fact, I avoid those conversations. Not so good I know, but it wont change anytime soon. So writing has allowed me to share my thoughts, without speaking them.
I definitely thought I would be in a different stage of the journey by now, that's for sure. I can only hope that I have "paid my dues" and my time will come...SOON.
I thought about recapping my last 100 days, but when I started writing and the list got longer and longer without any positive news, I just hit delete. It has been a really hard few months. I am depressed and stressed. I am determined to turn my mood around. It won't be easy, but I am going to try.
So thank you for reading, and I hope that you continue to follow the journey as it is just getting started...again.
-R.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Monday, April 12, 2010
Blah
Blah.
That's how I feel. Not bad, not good, just blah. I'm in a weird stage where nothing is really happening cycle wise and since I don't have a calendar yet, I feel like I don't have something to focus on.
Once I know the date, I can set my goal and prep myself, but until that...there is not much I can do.
-R.
That's how I feel. Not bad, not good, just blah. I'm in a weird stage where nothing is really happening cycle wise and since I don't have a calendar yet, I feel like I don't have something to focus on.
Once I know the date, I can set my goal and prep myself, but until that...there is not much I can do.
-R.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Thoughts
Today is Yom Hashoah - Holocaust Remembrance Day. Over sixty years the Nazis took power and the horrors of the Holocaust began and we use this day to remember and educate ourselves. I commemorate it every year by lighting a candle. When I was in grade 11, I was so fortunate to participate in a program called March of the Living, where teenage high school students travel to Poland to visit and learn about the concentration camps and life for the Jews during the war years. To say, it changed my life, would be an understatement. The most meaningful part of the experience took place on Yom Hashoah itself and it was the march--"the three-kilometer distance separating Auschwitz from Birkenau, the largest concentration camp complex built by the Nazis during World War II", where thousands of students from all over the world marched together. Every year, I reflect back on that trip and how it has changed my life. Genocide continues to happen today in many places in the world, and we cannot sit idly by while Innocent people are dying. "Those who cannot remember history are doomed to repeat it. ." --George Santayana. Ok, enough, I'm getting off my soapbox.
***
Last night was girls' night with one of my oldest friends. I LOVE spending time with her and she always puts me in a better mood. We have been friends since we were 8 years when we met at summer camp. This friend puts things in perspective for me (and if I have already mentioned her, I'm sorry to repeat). She is thirty and single, not. by. choice. Think about it, we are all so wrapped up in our infertile lives, seeing pregnant ladies everywhere we go and constantly hearing the newest announcement, but at least we come home to our husbands who comfort us. When we want to have an escape, we go out for a nice dinner or something of the like. She can't do any of this. Over the past two and half years, she has tried to meet someone. Blind dates, set ups and even Internet dating sites, but nothing has come from this. It just puts things in perspective for me a little. It sucks for her, just like infertility sucks for me. We commiserate, bitch and then do something totally fun, like see the movie Date Night. Super funny. Absolutely NO pregnant women, infertility or anything else that would make an IFer upset, I recommend for a great pick me up.
***
I spent the day with my sister. This was the first time we have hung out since her email. We have spoken on the phone daily, but I have been very short and just made up excuses to get off (I don't think she noticed though). So today, we actually went out. It went well. We did not talk about her email, and I tried my best to follow the rules, but I will admit, I got in a few belly sneaks and such. There were so many times today that I wanted to yell, just wait one more month, please...but I didn't. I have never been one to keep quiet, but today I was reserved. The funny thing is, I don't think she noticed. If this becomes a common theme, it will not be good for our relationship. But I need to think positively. I need to think that God has a plan and in the end it will all work out the way it needs to. I just need to keep on believing in this.
***
Today is my grandparents anniversary. They have been married for sixty two years. It is the most amazing thing to see and gives me something to strive for.
-R.
***
Last night was girls' night with one of my oldest friends. I LOVE spending time with her and she always puts me in a better mood. We have been friends since we were 8 years when we met at summer camp. This friend puts things in perspective for me (and if I have already mentioned her, I'm sorry to repeat). She is thirty and single, not. by. choice. Think about it, we are all so wrapped up in our infertile lives, seeing pregnant ladies everywhere we go and constantly hearing the newest announcement, but at least we come home to our husbands who comfort us. When we want to have an escape, we go out for a nice dinner or something of the like. She can't do any of this. Over the past two and half years, she has tried to meet someone. Blind dates, set ups and even Internet dating sites, but nothing has come from this. It just puts things in perspective for me a little. It sucks for her, just like infertility sucks for me. We commiserate, bitch and then do something totally fun, like see the movie Date Night. Super funny. Absolutely NO pregnant women, infertility or anything else that would make an IFer upset, I recommend for a great pick me up.
***
I spent the day with my sister. This was the first time we have hung out since her email. We have spoken on the phone daily, but I have been very short and just made up excuses to get off (I don't think she noticed though). So today, we actually went out. It went well. We did not talk about her email, and I tried my best to follow the rules, but I will admit, I got in a few belly sneaks and such. There were so many times today that I wanted to yell, just wait one more month, please...but I didn't. I have never been one to keep quiet, but today I was reserved. The funny thing is, I don't think she noticed. If this becomes a common theme, it will not be good for our relationship. But I need to think positively. I need to think that God has a plan and in the end it will all work out the way it needs to. I just need to keep on believing in this.
***
Today is my grandparents anniversary. They have been married for sixty two years. It is the most amazing thing to see and gives me something to strive for.
-R.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Hiding
Its 12:30pm and I am still in bed. This. Never. Happens. I am an early riser, usually out and about by 9:00am, but today, I need to hibernate. A. met some friends for brunch (boys only) and I am cuddled up in bed watching girlie movies. I need this. I have been feeling so low and anxious lately and really just need me time.
I know that I have something to look forward to, but it just seems so out of reach right now. I want to be positive and optimistic, but I can't. I have so many thoughts running through my head, that I can't focus on anything. So I won't. I think I will stay in bed for as long as possible.
Tonight I am going to have a girls night with a great friend. We are going to see a silly chick flick and grab dinner, what could be better than that for nursing a crappy mood?
How will you be spending the weekend?
-R.
I know that I have something to look forward to, but it just seems so out of reach right now. I want to be positive and optimistic, but I can't. I have so many thoughts running through my head, that I can't focus on anything. So I won't. I think I will stay in bed for as long as possible.
Tonight I am going to have a girls night with a great friend. We are going to see a silly chick flick and grab dinner, what could be better than that for nursing a crappy mood?
How will you be spending the weekend?
-R.
Friday, April 9, 2010
What I Know for Sure
I spent the entire afternoon lying to my students. They were working on their public speaking assignment, "What I Know For Sure" and I was helping them brainstorm topics. Grade nines are so idealistic in their views of the world and I just cheered them on today. They came up with topics like, what I know for sure is that with hard work you can succeed at anything, what I know for sure is that all my dreams will come true and what I know for sure is that I can overcome any obstacle. I didn't have the heart to tell them that these are all lies.
What I know for sure is that even though I try my hardest, some things are out of my reach.
What I know for sure is that I will never be a biological mother.
What I know for sure is that even with a loving supportive husband and family, I will never feel whole without a child.
I wish I could go back to the days where I was naive and believed. I remember when A. and I first started TTC and we met our RE, we both believed we would be the quick fix. We joked about needing just a bit help. We thought, I would take some pills and have sex and WOW, pregnant. Obviously, this didn't happen. Even when the pills didn't work and I needed to move to the injections, still I believed it would work. When we moved from timed intercourse to IUI, again I believed and when we started IVF, I thought for sure this would be the answer. When we went to the magical CCRM, I knew it would work. I was wrong each and every time, so why should I believe now? What I know for sure is that each time I have tried, I have failed.
-R.
What I know for sure is that even though I try my hardest, some things are out of my reach.
What I know for sure is that I will never be a biological mother.
What I know for sure is that even with a loving supportive husband and family, I will never feel whole without a child.
I wish I could go back to the days where I was naive and believed. I remember when A. and I first started TTC and we met our RE, we both believed we would be the quick fix. We joked about needing just a bit help. We thought, I would take some pills and have sex and WOW, pregnant. Obviously, this didn't happen. Even when the pills didn't work and I needed to move to the injections, still I believed it would work. When we moved from timed intercourse to IUI, again I believed and when we started IVF, I thought for sure this would be the answer. When we went to the magical CCRM, I knew it would work. I was wrong each and every time, so why should I believe now? What I know for sure is that each time I have tried, I have failed.
-R.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
LOST and FOUND
LOST: Moonstone and Rose Quartz bracelet
On top of all the shit going on in my life, I lost my special bracelet. The one that is supposed to bring me luck. I need it. It is not just a nice bracelet, but the properties of the stones increase fertility. It is sort of like my good luck charm and I have grown attached to it. I am a superstitious person and I feel like I am doomed without it. I know one has NOTHING to do with the other, but I need it. Why can't anything go my way?
-R.
On top of all the shit going on in my life, I lost my special bracelet. The one that is supposed to bring me luck. I need it. It is not just a nice bracelet, but the properties of the stones increase fertility. It is sort of like my good luck charm and I have grown attached to it. I am a superstitious person and I feel like I am doomed without it. I know one has NOTHING to do with the other, but I need it. Why can't anything go my way?
-R.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Breaking the Natural Order
I knew this was a possibility and I thought I was prepared, but the news just came and hit me. My little sister (by three years), who is my best friend just told me that she is starting to try to conceive. I knew this was coming. I have been mentally preparing for this for a while now. We are always three years behind each other. We follow the same order. We both got married at 24/25 and started to try at 27/28, I knew this was coming. I shouldn't be upset, I should be happy for her that she is ready to take that step, but I can't help but feel overwhelmed, anxious and upset. Why now? Why one month before my FET? This is the best shot I have ever had to success and now I feel like I have entered a race that I don't want to participate in.
I don't have the right to ask her to wait. I think she has put her life on hold for far too long, but seriously, what's one more month? My sister is an amazing person and a great friend. She has stood by me every step of the way and has been my cheerleader for every treatment, result and breakdown. I know she was waiting for me to get pregnant, but maybe that will never happen so she has to do what she needs to do. This is so fucking hard.
I am not only the oldest child in the family, but the eldest grandchild as well. I should be pregnant first. We planned it this way. We always wanted to be new mothers together, we just wanted my child to be a couple of months older.
Up until now, we have kept our infertility pretty secretive. Only our immediate family knows, but I have an extremely close extended family and they will all know of my failure and infertility if she gets pregnant first. I won't be able to deal with that. I try to keep things private to protect them. I don't think my grandparents (I know I am so lucky to have three grandparents) would handle it if they knew how broken I feel and how many times I have failed. They will look at me differently and pity me. I will not be able to take that. I have put up with a lot and I am a fighter, but this is braking me and I don't know if I can continue to fight. I know its not over, and that I may be worrying for nothing, but isn't it just my luck that it will work on the first try?
I don't want this to change our relationship, but I fear it will. Every time I look at her, I will wonder if she is pregnant. I will analyze what she eats, how she sits and if her hands are covering her stomach, and how she acts. I fear this will put added stress on me that I was so trying to avoid. I truly love my sister and wish only the best for her, which is why I am so scared. I would like to think that I will be able to be happy for her, but I honestly don't know if that's true. In a way this news is so much worse than my stupid fertile friends announcing actual pregnancies. I hate being only the childless one. I hate it. I hate that infertility has ripped my friendships away from me. I hate that I am bitter and jealous. I hate myself sometimes. In the past month, two best friends have announced their pregnancies, one gave birth and my sister is now trying; how much more am I expected to take? So much for being positive!
-R.
I don't have the right to ask her to wait. I think she has put her life on hold for far too long, but seriously, what's one more month? My sister is an amazing person and a great friend. She has stood by me every step of the way and has been my cheerleader for every treatment, result and breakdown. I know she was waiting for me to get pregnant, but maybe that will never happen so she has to do what she needs to do. This is so fucking hard.
I am not only the oldest child in the family, but the eldest grandchild as well. I should be pregnant first. We planned it this way. We always wanted to be new mothers together, we just wanted my child to be a couple of months older.
Up until now, we have kept our infertility pretty secretive. Only our immediate family knows, but I have an extremely close extended family and they will all know of my failure and infertility if she gets pregnant first. I won't be able to deal with that. I try to keep things private to protect them. I don't think my grandparents (I know I am so lucky to have three grandparents) would handle it if they knew how broken I feel and how many times I have failed. They will look at me differently and pity me. I will not be able to take that. I have put up with a lot and I am a fighter, but this is braking me and I don't know if I can continue to fight. I know its not over, and that I may be worrying for nothing, but isn't it just my luck that it will work on the first try?
I don't want this to change our relationship, but I fear it will. Every time I look at her, I will wonder if she is pregnant. I will analyze what she eats, how she sits and if her hands are covering her stomach, and how she acts. I fear this will put added stress on me that I was so trying to avoid. I truly love my sister and wish only the best for her, which is why I am so scared. I would like to think that I will be able to be happy for her, but I honestly don't know if that's true. In a way this news is so much worse than my stupid fertile friends announcing actual pregnancies. I hate being only the childless one. I hate it. I hate that infertility has ripped my friendships away from me. I hate that I am bitter and jealous. I hate myself sometimes. In the past month, two best friends have announced their pregnancies, one gave birth and my sister is now trying; how much more am I expected to take? So much for being positive!
-R.
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