Different Kinds of Therapy

Over the last few years, I have discovered that there are many different kinds of therapy that help me cope depending on what shitty situation life has thrown at me that day.

Coffee. This one has always been a pick me up, however I wasn't always able to indulge when I was doing the non-caffeine thing. For me, there is nothing better than sitting in a nice coffee shop, drinking a flavoured latte (I prefer skim milk vanilla) and reflecting on my day. Ahhh, pure heaven.

TV. I am somewhat addicted to television. I am sure I have mentioned once or twice that I have been religiously watching Young and the Restless since I was little. I feel like I grew up in Genoa City and it is really my happy place. I am also a huge Gleek! I just can't get enough of the songs and dance. I haven't seen this week's episode yet, however last week with the slogan T-shirts, I was amazed. I thought the idea of printing across your chest the one thing you would change about yourself was awesome. The final song to Born This Way when they were wearing the T-shirts was a truly powerful moment. I would also encourage you to get into is The Good Wife. I have loved Julianna since her days on ER and who doesn't love Mr. Big? So really, it has everything. And then there is are my favourite summer shows, Mad Men, Boardwalk Empire and The Next Food Network Star!

Acupuncture/hypnosis/SJ. Never in a million years would I have thought that I, little miss Science and medicine based would find comfort in these things. FIrst is my SJ. I could not survive without her. Having a safe place to vent, cry and scream has been an amazing support for me. Last year when I literally couldn't pick myself up off the floor, she got me through. Currently she is helping keep a handle on my newest source of anxiety and I am truly grateful for the support and friendship she has shown me. Did I really put acupuncture as a therapy? I HATE needles, but there is something calming about my acupuncturist and her magic little sticks, I always seem to leave in a better place then when I started. And of course, there is my hypnosis CD. I was totally skeptical of this, but once I started listening, I just couldn't stop. I felt my anxiety going away and I was able to get through some difficult lining issue/transfer fear periods.

Shopping. Obviously I saved the best for last. In my darkest moments, I find comfort in stores. I am not addicted to buying, just the shopping experience. I am happy to go and help a friend pick out something, or my mom and now shopping for my niece has been super fun - another thing I NEVER thought I would be able to do. Last week my mom, sister and niece took me maternity clothes shopping across the boarder to try and lift my spirits. Although it didn't make me forget, I was able to have an enjoyable day and do A LOT of damage on the credit card. So I leave you with this picture of the change room from Des.tination Mat.ernity...and yes, I bought most of it!



So I ask you, what is your therapy that helps you get through the day?

-R.

Decision

A and I spent last night and this morning going back and forth between doing the amnio vs not. We decided today that we are not willing to risk a miscarriage and therefore not going to do the amnio. This decision is not an easy one as there are ramifications that will last forever, but for us it is the lesser of two evils.

We spoke with the genetics dr at the lab where the results came from and she said that she would trust the NT results from the OB's office over the RE. Again, my OB is part of a MFM clinic (Sunnybrook) which is one of the best in Canada so I feel extremely comfortable in trusting their technology, technicians and drs. She also reiterated the point that a 1:55 is still a 98% chance that nothing is wrong and that even with a 1:2500, there is always the chance that you are the 1. I think if we had learned this result a few weeks ago (like 5-7) our feelings towards doing the amnio would be different. The thought of labouring a miscarriage (healthy or not) or having a therapeutic abortion (as they call it in the medical world) are two options that A. and I can not handle - especially since it will be a viable fetus by that point. That pretty much sealed the deal for us.

I am still really freaked out, stressed, nervous and angry...but have that same sense of calm I get once I know my plan. A. has all the faith and confidence in the world that everything will be ok and I am hoping he is right. I can't deal with his overly flowerly rainbows and positivity right now, and thankfully he gets that. I told him that all the positive progress I had made over the weekend is now gone and probably won't return. I am ok with that. Everything was going smoothly when I was living in pregnancy denial and not attaching myself so I am going back to that place.

I am sure that over the next four months, I will have moments (many many moments) where I second guess this decision and probably vent about it here, but right now I am comfortable with the choice I made. I just can't take the risk of a miscarriage - especially when the odds are in my favour that everything will be ok. Do we want a child with Down Syndrome or any other special needs? No, of course not, but we will love her and take care of her and be the best parents we can be if that is the next hurdle that life throws our way. At this point, we are out of time and out of options. I will not terminate a viable pregnancy and will not put myself at increased risk for a miscarriage. Little Miss IT is too precious and as her mommy it is my job to protect her.

Thank you for sharing your personal stories, thoughts, prayers and opinions with me. The different perspectives definitely helped make this decision. It was not easy and I truly believe that there is no right or wrong here, it is just what is right for us right now.

-R.

It Dropped

I knew I shouldn't let myself believe in miracles...or read that book. I read one fucking chapter and disaster has hit. I get a call from the OB's office this morning that my Dr. has requested I go see him to discuss my test results. Um what?! The receptionist wouldn't give me any information as to what results so I called A., my sister and dad in full on hyperventilation mode. Luckily dad was able to get a hold of the dr who said there was a discrepancy between my first NT Scan results and his.

I knew this was going to happen. I predicted this exact scenario two months ago which is why I asked not to be told the results from the REs office. To recap, RE measured the NT fluid at 2.6 and OB at 1.7. OB did FST screening and the results came back in two weeks with a risk of 1:2400. RE did IPS screening, but when I didnt go back for the second set of bloodwork, the lab did FST and the results were just sent to the OB. The risk came back at 1:55. Holy fuck. Cue instant hyperventilating and extreme crying.

We managed to get a hold of the RE scan from the radiologist and after careful review, my OB trusts his results as the other was over magnetized and unable to get a clear view - but I don't know. You can't unheard a number like 1:55. All the bloodwork came back with the same normal readings on both tests and the other information was comparable as well.

In my logical head I know not to trust the RE. I know that they have fucked me over time and time again, but still. OB stands by his scan, but I just don't know what to do. Inam debating an amnio. On the one hand we find out definitively whether or not the baby has Downs, but there is a 1:900 risk of miscarriage. My OB is an MFM and has done thousands of amnios, but there is still a risk. He told me with an amnio you get the results in 2 days, but Then you have the added worry of miscarriage. I honestly don't know what I would do if I learned that my baby had Downs. I am not sure if I would terminate or not, not sure if I feel comfortable bringing an unhealthy child into the world, not sure how I feel about knowing in advance over not knowing. There are so many thoughts in my head that I just don't know what to think or do. All I know is that if I do have the amnio and miscarry regardless of the findings I won't recover, but if I don't I'm not sure how I will survive the next 16ish weeks.

I don't need any judgement, just advice. What would you do? I knew this was all too good to be true!

-R.

Reading

I am not your stereotypical teacher. I don't love reading. I like it and have found some books that I devoured in a day, "The Kite Runner" for example is at the top of my list as well as some others, but on the whole reading is just not something that I crave...unless it's mindless chick lit (don't make fun). My favorite series would have to be "Shopaholic" - of course. My BFF and I have read each book in a matter of hours and always managed to purchase the newest one immediately after release. So far my favorite is still the original, but there is one book left that I just haven't been able to read, "Shopaholic and Baby".

The release date was 2007, the same year we began TTC and at first I wanted to wait to read it until I was pregnant. But obviously that didn't happen. At the time BFF wasn't married so waiting to read the book didn't seem realistic, but in was pretty sure I would be reading it within a few months. After at least a year I put the book away in a drawer as it was just another reminder of my stupid IF controlling me and not letting me do what I wanted.

This week I found the book. I have glanced at it a few days and even put it on my nightstand, but still haven't felt the urge to read...until right now. Something is definitely happening to me. I am beginning to feel more comfortable with the idea that I am pregnant and will be a mom...soon. It started with the anatomy scan (like you said it would) and finding out the sex and then starting to feel movement. Since my placenta is anterior (at the front) they told me not expect to feel anything for a while, so this is really a surprise. Today marks my halfway point - 20 weeks and to be able to feel Little Miss IT move has brought me to a new level. A place of happiness and excitement about what is ahead.

I know that for the remainder of this pregnancy I be scared and on edge, but I am ready to take the next step. I am finally ready to pick up my book that I have waited so long to read.

-R.

All Good

Today was a big day. I didn't sleep much in anticipation and was pretty tired during the scan - I think it was better this way. We got to the hospital right for 10am and we were brought into the ultrasound room within 5 minutes. A. was able to come in the room so he was my eyes. The sonographer was nice enough, however she didn't talk much. At times she said, "here is the bladder" or "this is the kidney", but that was it. All I could tell was IT was moving a lot. So much that she couldn't get all her measurements. The radiologist was called in.

Insert panic stricken face here.

She was lovely. She explained that so far everything looked good, but they just needed a few more measurements. Found them instantly! When the scan was over, we were given a picture (no profile as IT wouldn't stay still long enough) and then we met with the OB.

He reaffirmed that everything looked normal and good. My placenta is in the right place, not far down, no sign of previa of any kind and I also asked him (made him) check my cervix which he said was firm and closed.

I now feel a little more relaxed and calm. I know the next four weeks leading to viability will be stressful, but I can handle it. I am so incredibly grateful for all of this. Thank you for all the support as always.

And now I present to you...

Little Miss IT



And her mommy...






-R.

Today was spent organizing my receipts for filling my taxes. I started off with a stack a mile high of receipts, bills, invoices, etc and I instantly became overwhelmed by the enormity of it all. As I began sorting through the re opts I was taken back to each moment. I remembered the hotel stays, meals and shopping trips. I pictured myself in the transfer room, having the acupuncture treatments pre and post transfers and sitting in the office speaking with the Dr. after the latest devastating news.

2010 was the worst year of my life. Spending the afternoon with the reminders literally tore my heart out. As I reached for an envelope containing my massage receipts I was surprised to find the ultrasound pictures from last May. I didn't realize I had kept reminders of that pregnancy. It is still so painful and at times feels so fresh. It brought me right back to the darkest place - a time where my faith in myself, my body, modern medicine and of course my marriage was shattered. A place I hope to never return to.

I still can't believe or understand how I got to this new place. I am jaded and scared about this pregnancy all the time. Yes, I have moments where I allow myself to think that this may actually have a happy ending, but most of the time I don't go there. A. has been really supportive of my nervousness, but he (rightly so) is sick and tired of letting IF and fear dictate our lives. He is right, but I have a hard time letting go of my years of disappointment and believing that this time is different.

Everyday I am amazed at how my body is changing and adapting to pregnancy. I am getting bigger and it is a thrill ton watch it happen. But what will tomorrow bring?

Tomorrow is our anatomy scan and we plan to find out the gender. More importantly it is supposed to the turning point for me in terms of my attitude towards this pregnancy. If I learn that everything is ok and progressing as it should than I am going to try really hard to get my hard and heart in a better place. Maybe I will even rub my belly? Please let tomorrow go well. Please please please.

-R.

Preparations

No, not for a baby...for Passover! This weekend was spent cleaning for Pesach. We literally scrubbed every inch of our kitchen and removed all the wheat/yeast/bread - chometz from the house. A. was a huge help as usually I do most of the cleaning, but I couldn't do everything this year. I will admit that it is nice to have a house that has just been "spring cleaned" from head to toe.

Aside from the cleaning I also did all my food shopping. We restock our fridge and pantry with only Kosher For Passover products so it is a big deal and quite expensive, but what can you do. This afternoon I decided to get a head start on my baking so I made this. I hope it tastes as good as it looks! The only difference was that I made a crust out. Of ground nuts and sugar - no flour. I think that will be fine.

My plan for the rest of today and tomorrow is to rest as much as possible so that I will be all set for the Seders. I think back to last year and remember gearing up for my DE FET and how filled with hope I was. I am in a much different place this year, but the feeling of hope is still there. As I reflect on the meaning behind Passover - when God brought the Jews out of slavery - I feel that I too was brought out from my slavery. My IF plagued me. It brought out the worst in me and took me to dark sad scary places that I didn't know existed. I continue to be scared to death every day for this pregnancy, but am also extremely grateful that I am finally in this place. Today marks 19 weeks, can you believe it? I still can't.

To those that celebrate I wish you a Chag Sameach - Happy and Healthy Passover.

-R.