I should be in labour right now. Or already a mom. My first real BFP last May should have worked. I miss that feeling of optimism and hopefulness. I don't have that now. Now I am terrified and anxious. Anxious that in another six months I will be right back to this place of missing my babies.
The miscarriage was the.hardest.thing.in.my.entire.life. Seriously. I think about how far along I would have been and how cute my belly would have looked and how scared/excited A. and I would be to meet the baby, but that was ripped from us. It was a good embryo. A donor egg and A.'s super sperm, why would that not work? Yes, I have a shit uterus, but seriously? That should of worked.
A non-medicated pregnancy should not have worked. This is all so fucked up. I have never made a good embryo in my life and now, now it may be. I am terrified that a more intensive ultrasound will find that serious birth defects or problems. And I am terrified of returning back to the hell that was last summer. I miss that baby. I miss that pregnancy.
Tomorrow is my next ultrasound and I am petrified. I am scared from losing the GC, from the harsh reality that things that look good on paper don't work out.
Today is a sad day. I miss my baby.