Fears Creeping In

I don't know when it happened, but this has become a bit of a pregnancy blog. I am not sure how i feel about that fact. I started writing just over a year ago and it was a daily event, it was my place to vent and scream and swear and cry and hope (a little). It saw me through the worst year of my life and you all were there supporting me, holding my hand and crying with me when my latest disaster struck. it was hell, but it was comfort as I knew that I could handle the shit fest that was my life.

I am now in unchartered territory. I'm in this place that I had dreamed about for five years. I thought about how it would feel to be here, but it is nothing like I imagined it. Maybe it's because of the way I got to this place, the unexpectness and miraculousness about it, or maybe because I am now so aware of how quickly things can go in the wrong direction, but whatever the reason, it is a place like no other.

I do not think about this pregnancy often. I don't allow myself positive (or negative) thoughts. I don't analyze every twinge or side effect (which have now started to disappear!). I don't stare at my five weeks of ultrasound photos. It is almost like this pregnancy doesn't exist. But it does. I don't allow myself to do those things because I am scared. I am desperately trying to protect myself. After the hell that I have been through, I don't know if I am strong enough to survive another loss. It's my coping mechanism - it's my way of surviving.

Today I am 11w2d and I feel no more secure today, than I did back on January 1st when my beta came in at 28. Ok, I am not as worried about a miscarriage, but I am still worried. My NT scan is scheduled for Thursday (11w4d) and I am terrified that we will learn of a problem. It is just a feeling, but it is similar to the feeling I had before TTC about having difficulty. I was right back then, but I do not want to be right now.

It is hard for me to believe that IT could be normal, healthy, surviving. My entire infertility journey has been filled with, "your eggs are crap", "your embryos are not good quality and did not make it to blast", "you need an egg donor", "your uterine lining is too thin to support a pregnancy", and "you need a surrogate". How can I not think the worst? Wouldn't you?

I think I am kidding myself when I say, that I don't think about this pregnancy. I do think about it...all the time. I think about how it may end. How, if it is going to end, then why did it need to start in the first place. I was surviving. I was getting happy about starting the next chapter with the GC. This was completely unplanned and unexpected. Of course, it was and is my biggest dream come true to find myself pregnant, but not if it doesn't go the full distance.

I am doing what I can to get my anxiety under control, but I fear it is still high and causing my heart to beat crazy fast (like 100b/min - resting). In all honesty, the fears creep in once or twice a day, bur the majority of the time is spent in denial. Now that I am approaching the end of the first trimester, many of my symptoms are fading and it helps to live without the constant reminder of what is going on inside of me.

It will be a difficult few weeks waiting to get the NT results, but I am hoping that once that hurdle is passed, I can start to exhale a little.