12 Weeks

Today marks twelve weeks of pregnancy. I know you know by now, I never in a million years thought that I would get here...let alone the way I did. I have dreamed about what 12W would feel like for what seems like forever, but it isn't exactly measuring up the way I had it built in my head. In my mind, reaching 12W, meant you were safe. I feel anything but. Yes, I am pretty sure that IT is still in there with a beating heart, but that is it. I have no idea if IT is healthy, developing normally or reaching any other milestones. Hopefully after Thursday's ultrasound I will have some reassurance, but as of now, I still feel as cautious as ever.

I know that it is not healthy to be this scared, but how can I not? I am doing much better than before. My relaxation strategies are working and my anxiety/panic attacks are fewer and farther between - at least that is something. BUT, I am scared. Scared that IT will have problems or that I will have issues carrying IT to full term are real and are not going away so quickly.

I probably sound like a broken record already and I'm sorry for that. In all honesty, in my day-to-day life, I don't allow myself to give IT much thought. Even though I am so deeply attached right now, somehow I think that if I pretend this doesn't exist, it won't hurt so bad if things go badly. It's my way of coping or dealing.

BUT, 12W is a big deal. It's a milestone and I am so thankful to be here. Today I did some celebrating. I spent the morning with my two BFFs having breakfast and massages. It was nice. I had told them a few weeks about "my secret" as our other musketeer who lives in CA was in and I wanted to tell them in person. I felt like I owed them that. I admit, it was a relief to have something out in the open, but I still made it clear that I did not want to talk about it.

One BFF came out today to announce her second pregnancy. Although it was easier to take, it was still really difficult. This is the same friend that made up an IF problem when pg with her first as she didn't know how to tell me. That ruined our friendship and changed it forever. Hearing her news today was extremely difficult. Not only is she pg, but due exactly one day ahead of me at the same hospital. Seriously?

I know it should be a big deal but couldn't I have been first just once? Out of the four of us, there have been a total of 10 pregnancies and I was dead last. In addition to this, now that she knows how close we are, she will always want to talk about it and I don't. The last few weeks with them knowing, but not discussing were perfect. I fear that will all change now.

In the end, I put on my brave face. Gave her a huge hug and wished her good luck. What else is there to do?


-R.