Sunday, February 27, 2011

12 Weeks

Today marks twelve weeks of pregnancy. I know you know by now, I never in a million years thought that I would get here...let alone the way I did. I have dreamed about what 12W would feel like for what seems like forever, but it isn't exactly measuring up the way I had it built in my head. In my mind, reaching 12W, meant you were safe. I feel anything but. Yes, I am pretty sure that IT is still in there with a beating heart, but that is it. I have no idea if IT is healthy, developing normally or reaching any other milestones. Hopefully after Thursday's ultrasound I will have some reassurance, but as of now, I still feel as cautious as ever.

I know that it is not healthy to be this scared, but how can I not? I am doing much better than before. My relaxation strategies are working and my anxiety/panic attacks are fewer and farther between - at least that is something. BUT, I am scared. Scared that IT will have problems or that I will have issues carrying IT to full term are real and are not going away so quickly.

I probably sound like a broken record already and I'm sorry for that. In all honesty, in my day-to-day life, I don't allow myself to give IT much thought. Even though I am so deeply attached right now, somehow I think that if I pretend this doesn't exist, it won't hurt so bad if things go badly. It's my way of coping or dealing.

BUT, 12W is a big deal. It's a milestone and I am so thankful to be here. Today I did some celebrating. I spent the morning with my two BFFs having breakfast and massages. It was nice. I had told them a few weeks about "my secret" as our other musketeer who lives in CA was in and I wanted to tell them in person. I felt like I owed them that. I admit, it was a relief to have something out in the open, but I still made it clear that I did not want to talk about it.

One BFF came out today to announce her second pregnancy. Although it was easier to take, it was still really difficult. This is the same friend that made up an IF problem when pg with her first as she didn't know how to tell me. That ruined our friendship and changed it forever. Hearing her news today was extremely difficult. Not only is she pg, but due exactly one day ahead of me at the same hospital. Seriously?

I know it should be a big deal but couldn't I have been first just once? Out of the four of us, there have been a total of 10 pregnancies and I was dead last. In addition to this, now that she knows how close we are, she will always want to talk about it and I don't. The last few weeks with them knowing, but not discussing were perfect. I fear that will all change now.

In the end, I put on my brave face. Gave her a huge hug and wished her good luck. What else is there to do?



  1. I'm so sorry about your friend announcing her pregnancy again...maybe you should just be honest with her and let her know that while you wish you could be comparing notes and talking about the pregnancy you're just not at that place yet....
    But congrats on 12 weeks!

  2. You are doing great!! One day at a time...take care.

  3. Wow! Twelve weeks! Huge, major deal!

    You're doing so well. Hang in there!

  4. congrats on getting to this big milestone!!! hang in there. wishing you a smooth ride the rest of the way.

  5. I feel the same way about being 12 weeks (I am 12w3d today). I thought I was supposed to magically feel relieved and hopeful? I still feel scared - about the same things you mentioned, will the baby be okay? Our NT scan is on Wednesday.

    I feel your pain about competing pregnancies - my sister-in-law announced her pregnancy 2 weeks ago (due 2 weeks before me). She also tried to feign IF, saying they had been trying for a year - no charting, no OPKs, though. I wouldn't call that "trying." I hope my mother-in-law won't be comparing our pregnancies every step of the way, but I think it will be inevitable.

    We will get through this. I'm thinking of you and wishing you the best for your scan this week. You will do great!

  6. Hooray for 12 weeks, that's fantastic!! Sorry about your friend though.... My SIL was due two weeks before me and it was really hard to listen to anything about her pregnancy. Hopefully your friend will understand where you're coming from. Good luck on Thursday's scan!!

  7. Glad to hear your relaxation strategies are working and your panic/anxiety attacks are fewer.
    Congrats on 12wks!!

  8. I'd recommend getting a doppler. It really has helped me have more confidence in my IVF pregnancy. The one I got started picking up the heart rate at 14 weeks. It is worth it and I think it will help.


  9. I am so very happy for you... this is a great milestone! I agree that maybe renting/buying a doppler could help to reduce your anxiety. I hope things continue smoothly and you will have many more milestones to celebrate!

  10. 12 weeks is a big deal, but I fully understand how you feel, I was also so nervous at that point. I'm not sure if it every totally goes away. But 12 weeks is huge!! Fingers crossed for Thursday!

  11. What great news! 12 weeks at last! Just one day and then another, and before you know it you will be firmly into T2, and then passed viability, and into T3. I am glad that your calming techniques are working well. Take good care of yourself, dear woman. You're in my thoughts.

  12. Hanging in there right behind you and feeling very much the same way. Very cautious about getting too attached to this pregnancy. I think it's to be expected after all you've been through. But, I have all my fingers and toes crossed that your NT scan went well today!! Thinking of you.