Today was spent organizing my receipts for filling my taxes. I started off with a stack a mile high of receipts, bills, invoices, etc and I instantly became overwhelmed by the enormity of it all. As I began sorting through the re opts I was taken back to each moment. I remembered the hotel stays, meals and shopping trips. I pictured myself in the transfer room, having the acupuncture treatments pre and post transfers and sitting in the office speaking with the Dr. after the latest devastating news.
2010 was the worst year of my life. Spending the afternoon with the reminders literally tore my heart out. As I reached for an envelope containing my massage receipts I was surprised to find the ultrasound pictures from last May. I didn't realize I had kept reminders of that pregnancy. It is still so painful and at times feels so fresh. It brought me right back to the darkest place - a time where my faith in myself, my body, modern medicine and of course my marriage was shattered. A place I hope to never return to.
I still can't believe or understand how I got to this new place. I am jaded and scared about this pregnancy all the time. Yes, I have moments where I allow myself to think that this may actually have a happy ending, but most of the time I don't go there. A. has been really supportive of my nervousness, but he (rightly so) is sick and tired of letting IF and fear dictate our lives. He is right, but I have a hard time letting go of my years of disappointment and believing that this time is different.
Everyday I am amazed at how my body is changing and adapting to pregnancy. I am getting bigger and it is a thrill ton watch it happen. But what will tomorrow bring?
Tomorrow is our anatomy scan and we plan to find out the gender. More importantly it is supposed to the turning point for me in terms of my attitude towards this pregnancy. If I learn that everything is ok and progressing as it should than I am going to try really hard to get my hard and heart in a better place. Maybe I will even rub my belly? Please let tomorrow go well. Please please please.