Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Anniversary

I should be in labour right now. Or already a mom. My first real BFP last May should have worked. I miss that feeling of optimism and hopefulness. I don't have that now. Now I am terrified and anxious. Anxious that in another six months I will be right back to this place of missing my babies.

The miscarriage was the.hardest.thing.in.my.entire.life. Seriously. I think about how far along I would have been and how cute my belly would have looked and how scared/excited A. and I would be to meet the baby, but that was ripped from us. It was a good embryo. A donor egg and A.'s super sperm, why would that not work? Yes, I have a shit uterus, but seriously? That should of worked.

A non-medicated pregnancy should not have worked. This is all so fucked up. I have never made a good embryo in my life and now, now it may be. I am terrified that a more intensive ultrasound will find that serious birth defects or problems. And I am terrified of returning back to the hell that was last summer. I miss that baby. I miss that pregnancy.

Tomorrow is my next ultrasound and I am petrified. I am scared from losing the GC, from the harsh reality that things that look good on paper don't work out.

Today is a sad day. I miss my baby.

-R.

17 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry for all the sadness and fear you feel. You deserve so much, I just want peace and happiness for you.

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  2. Holding you close in my heart today, R. I am so very sorry for this pain. I understand. Hoping tomorrow's u/s shows a perfect little miracle!

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  3. I understand your pain.... I'm keeping everything crossed that your u/s tomorrow is perfect! Sending you many hugs and much love!!

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  4. So sorry you are feeling this way. Wishing you luck and strength. Hoping everything goes perfectly tomorrow.

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  5. I have never lost a baby so I don't know what that feels like, but I wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you and wishing/hoping/praying to God/the universe/whomever that your little Christmas miracle turns into a healthy happy perfect little baby boy or girl.

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  6. It is always hard on the anniversary. I think about it too. I think about it during Hanukkah, as I look back and see that I had candles left over from when we were in the hospital and didn't light them. However, it does get easier when you have hope and you are doing everything in your power to achieve your goal - and you are. Thinking happy thoughts for you!

    T

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  7. The anniversary due dates are rough. They never escape your mind. Big hugs R. You have every right to be scared. I hope that you will find a way to manage these fears soon. Take care...

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  8. I hear you. The due date from my first BFP, if it would have worked out, is Valentine's Day. You and I probably would have delivered around the same time! It's tough with the due date looming, and another pregnancy doesn't take away the pain of loss. Hugs to you!:)

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  9. thinking of you and your lost baby today. much love to you...

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  10. I'm so sorry R. Big hugs to you, and wishing you much happier anniversaries, and birthdays, in the near future.

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  11. Thinking of you and so sorry that you are feeling such sorrow. You'll be in my thoughts tomorrow as you go in for your u/s.

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  12. i don't think these dates will ever be the same again. we'll never forget. and i'm glad about that. i don't want to forget.

    it's hard to believe that in another universe i might have had an eight month old baby by now. it doesn't seem possible any more, but it was.

    thinking of you R xx

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  13. I'm sorry, R. :-(

    Sending positive vibes your way for an excellent ultrasound.

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  14. I am sorry for such a sad anniversary.

    Best wishes tomorrow. I will be thinking about you all day.

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  15. The anniversaries suck. Everyone else forgets, but you count down every day. Then you start counting how old your child would be. It never ends, and people who haven't been through it just don't get it.

    I'm sorry that you're having a sad day:( I am thinking about you and hope that everything goes well tomorrow!

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  16. I hoping it all goes well today, my thoughts are with you.

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  17. I hope all goes well today. I think letting that GC carrier thing go is a good thing. Of course I don't know her story but it sure sounds fishy.

    As you well know, a new baby doesn't replace the one that didn't live. Still, it is a nice distraction. I hope you get nothing but good news.

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