Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Fears Creeping In

I don't know when it happened, but this has become a bit of a pregnancy blog. I am not sure how i feel about that fact. I started writing just over a year ago and it was a daily event, it was my place to vent and scream and swear and cry and hope (a little). It saw me through the worst year of my life and you all were there supporting me, holding my hand and crying with me when my latest disaster struck. it was hell, but it was comfort as I knew that I could handle the shit fest that was my life.

I am now in unchartered territory. I'm in this place that I had dreamed about for five years. I thought about how it would feel to be here, but it is nothing like I imagined it. Maybe it's because of the way I got to this place, the unexpectness and miraculousness about it, or maybe because I am now so aware of how quickly things can go in the wrong direction, but whatever the reason, it is a place like no other.

I do not think about this pregnancy often. I don't allow myself positive (or negative) thoughts. I don't analyze every twinge or side effect (which have now started to disappear!). I don't stare at my five weeks of ultrasound photos. It is almost like this pregnancy doesn't exist. But it does. I don't allow myself to do those things because I am scared. I am desperately trying to protect myself. After the hell that I have been through, I don't know if I am strong enough to survive another loss. It's my coping mechanism - it's my way of surviving.

Today I am 11w2d and I feel no more secure today, than I did back on January 1st when my beta came in at 28. Ok, I am not as worried about a miscarriage, but I am still worried. My NT scan is scheduled for Thursday (11w4d) and I am terrified that we will learn of a problem. It is just a feeling, but it is similar to the feeling I had before TTC about having difficulty. I was right back then, but I do not want to be right now.

It is hard for me to believe that IT could be normal, healthy, surviving. My entire infertility journey has been filled with, "your eggs are crap", "your embryos are not good quality and did not make it to blast", "you need an egg donor", "your uterine lining is too thin to support a pregnancy", and "you need a surrogate". How can I not think the worst? Wouldn't you?

I think I am kidding myself when I say, that I don't think about this pregnancy. I do think about it...all the time. I think about how it may end. How, if it is going to end, then why did it need to start in the first place. I was surviving. I was getting happy about starting the next chapter with the GC. This was completely unplanned and unexpected. Of course, it was and is my biggest dream come true to find myself pregnant, but not if it doesn't go the full distance.

I am doing what I can to get my anxiety under control, but I fear it is still high and causing my heart to beat crazy fast (like 100b/min - resting). In all honesty, the fears creep in once or twice a day, bur the majority of the time is spent in denial. Now that I am approaching the end of the first trimester, many of my symptoms are fading and it helps to live without the constant reminder of what is going on inside of me.

It will be a difficult few weeks waiting to get the NT results, but I am hoping that once that hurdle is passed, I can start to exhale a little.

17 comments:

  1. hEY R-

    Hope that this finds you well. I will keep my fingers crossed that all is good for you in 2 days.

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  2. Gosh R, I just feel so helpless for you. I think all your feelings are so normal given what you've suffered through but I hate it for you--I want you to be HAPPY! You deserve that so much! I hope (and truly believe in my heart, for whatever it's worth) that this pregnancy will prove EVERYONE wrong who said your eggs were crap or that you had no chance on your own....
    Sending you hugs.

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  3. oh...i could have written this post myself (in fact mine of yesterday was quite similar) because i completely understand where you are coming from. no positive or negative thoughts..and silently building up a protective barrier wall around you in case of when/if you get some bad news...and you won't feel so shattered or devastated.

    i will pray for you that your NT scan & b/w goes beautifully and you hear those perfect words, "everything is fine..you are low risk."

    *big hugs*

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  4. I think that after your NT scan and your anatomy scan you will begin to relax...I hope so R. You're doing great!

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  5. One day at a time...if that is possible! My fingers are crossed for your scan this week, hopefully even though you have to wait for some results, you can get some reassurance from seeing the u/s. It is hard to relax in these early weeks, I think that is normal for us IF vets.

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  6. I think what you are thinking is normal for someone who has been throught so much. We are so used to dispair and things not going our way with IF that when they finally do we wait for the ball to drop. Good luck with the NT scan. ((huggs))

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  7. I completely understand! I know your US on Thursday will be great! Hang in there!

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  8. I know just how you feel. I am 11w5d today after 2 miscarriages last year. I worry a lot that something will happen to this baby, even though it is a lot less likely now that we have made it this far. I have my NT scan next week, and, like you, I am trying not to think about things at all. Know that you are not alone. I will be looking to see how your scan goes and sending you good thoughts!

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  9. Oh, I so hear you. Infertility and pregnancy loss robs you of joy. I often feel like I have to fight through numbness and fear to find joy that seems to come so easily to others. Hang in there. Sending good thoughts your way.

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  10. Poor you. I totally understand how you feel. Try to to engage in as many relaxing activities as you can...and also, please, I'm dying to see a picture of your baby!!! please post one after your next scan!!!

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  11. R... don't beat yourself up. Just breath... and take it one day at a time. I know exactly how you feel abt being in uncharted territory... enduring years of IF kinda robs us of the pregnancy joy that we dreamt abt. It sucks... but no escaping it! Like many said, the NT scan should help quite a bit. Thinking of you.

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  12. Hoping the scans ease some of your fears and that you can relax (even a teeny bit).

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  13. I hope you can take a big sigh of relief after your NT scan and as the pregnancy progresses. I really hope you can start to enjoy this little miracle very soon.

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  14. Yeah, the NT scan is really stressful, but hoping with everything I've got that your little baby is perfect and there's a really good chance everything is just fine! You've made it this far!

    Hang in there!

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  15. I think everything you're feeling is normal, I felt much the same way. I was sure that my NT scan would show something was wrong since my eggs too are crap but all was well (and still is, as you know). I'm wishing with everything I have that you have the same results! Sending you tons of good luck for your scan and also hugs to get you through....

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  16. I SO get this. Just had a wonderful 18 week scan today and keep thinking there must have been some mistake....

    allow yourself to think of the "what ifs"< in a good way..."what if" this is really it? :) I know it's scary to think that...but exciting, too.

    trust me, I'm there with you.

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  17. It fades so slowly you dont get to enjoy a nice door slam. As much as you deserve and want one, it does not come.

    Best wishes coming your way to make it through the scan.

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