Goodbye 2010!

I am not one for New Year's Resolutions. In fact, I typically don't acknowledge New Year's as a time for reflection - but this year I feel different. 2010 was by far, hands down, no contest, the worst fucking year of my entire life and I literally cannot wait for it be over.

When reflecting on the highlights of my year, I am brought back to those dark places and if you have been reading this blog for a while, you know them too so I'm going to assume that we can all agree, this year sucked. Big time. BUT, here are some stats anyway...

R's 2010 tally:
# of FET attempts - 5
# of FETS - 2
# of miscarriages - 1
# of trips to Denver - 3
# of acupuncture sessions - 56
# of pregnancy announcements - 13
# of babies born - 5
# of job changes - 1

I will say that professionally, I am in a much better place than I was last year. At least that is one thing to be happy about.

My wish for 2011 is that we all find some happiness. Happy New Year!

-R.

Keeping to Myself

I haven't felt the urge to blog lately. There really is nothing going on right now that is worthy of the words - so I'm pretty quiet. I am still obsessively reading your blogs and checking IVFC, but I am not in such a commenting/posting place.

I'm still in the fog, but am no longer crying. It is hard to admit, but I feel like I am just going through the motions. I have spent a lot of time with my sister and niece and still nothing. She continues to be super sweet, but I don't really feel anything yet. I hope that is ok. Maybe that's why I'm ok to be around her so much? It honestly doesn't bother me the way I feared it would. It is like it has no affect on me whatsoever. Which probably is not a good thing.

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I have been working on my final project for my course for the past week and it is like pulling teeth for me. I have lost the motivation. I am procrastinating as best I can by watching crap loads of HBO Canada. I have discovered two series in the past week that have some sort of IF storyline. Both shows are fantastic with or without the IF element.

1. Bloodletting an Miraculous Cures - this is a Canadian HBO series that takes place in a hospital and focuses around the lives of three doctors. Now try to stay with me as it is a bit confusing. Doctor A and doctor B dated. Doctor A broke up with doctor B and married Doctor C. Doctor A and C can't have children due to a blood problem (not sure I understand this IF problem) so they are asking doctor B to be their sperm donor. I will say that we learn all of this with the first episode, but the series is not about infertility. It is more about the relationships of these three doctors. It is really well done and only eight episodes so it's worth a watch.

2. Boardwalk Empire - this series takes place mainly in Atlantic City during the prohibition time. It has everything from mobsters, drinking, sex (lots and lots of sex), killing and infertility. I admit, I was quite surprised by this storyline, even though it was quite brief. What I enjoyed about it was the honesty that out poured from the female character. It happens towards the end of the first season, but it really is a surprise and well done.

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In other news, today is CD48. Yup, you read that correctly. I am contemplating POAS to make AF arrive, but don't want to waste my money LOL. No, I don't think I am actually pregnant. That ship has sailed. The only reason I know what cycle day it is because I looked it up on my blog. Seriously, I have no clue when or if AF is expected and aside from the fact that I am majorly bitching out - I'm ok if I never see her again.

I have been drinking caffeine and wine like its going out of style. I stopped my pre-natal vitamins two months ago and I haven't seen my acupuncturist in ages. If I was pregnant (which again, I am not so please no miracle thinking) I would have some serious doubts in the medical profession.

My plan is to give it a few more days and if still nothing, kill myself. Ok, not really. I will probably put a call into NN to see if this is normal or not.

Thanks for continuing to follow although with sad story of mine, I wouldn't blame you if you traded me in for a more optimistic read!

-R.

Things I Heard At My Sister's House

"Who does she look like?"

"I think I see you in her eyes".

"She has your mom's nose".

"Let's compare your baby photo to her".

"She has grandma's chin".


These are the comments that will never be said about me and my baby. I know genetics is not everything, but it is still really sad.

-R.

In a Daze

I think there is something wrong with me. I have literally spent the last four days with my sister and niece and I appear to be fine. Is it numbness? Is it denial? I don't know, but whatever it is please let it continue. I know my limits and what I can handle, but the surprising thing is that I just don't feel anything.

Today I went in a number of baby stores and didn't cry. WTF? I have never been able to do that. To my credit, I was on a mission to find her some preemie size clothes because she is so tiny, so not a lot of time to roam the stores, but still. No tears. A. told me yesterday that he is both proud of and impressed by me. This meant more to me than anything. It shows me that he is acknowledging my pain and recognizes how difficult this situation is. I am not denying that this is the hardest thing I have ever had to do, but I am doing it.

I'm not strong. I am putting one foot in front of the other and doing what needs to be done. At the end of the day, my sister was the one who took care of me when I had OHSS, held my hand and examined the clot in the toilet, rubbed my back when the physical pain of the m/c was too much and loved me when the emotional breakdowns occurred. I owe her this. I want to be there for her as she has always been there for me.

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Things with the GC are continuing to move forward. We have begun the legal process, however I waiting to get 100% CCRM approval before I submit the retainer.

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I am in full on wedding planning mode too for my brother's wedding. It has been a much needed baby/IF vacation and I couldn't be happier about that. When I am not with my sis, I spend my days on the phone inquiring about bands, venues and wedding dates. I am in heaven.

To those that celebrate, I wish you a Merry Christmas. May this be the year that brings you closer to your dreams.

-R.

Things have been unpredictable. Aside from my niece, my brother got engaged as well! It has been a really exciting time for my family. This is definitely one of those times where I find myself saying, "happy for them, sad for me". I feel like everyone else's lives are just moving forward to these amazing places, and I am stuck in the depths of hell.

SJ told me yesterday that I am depressed. What else is new? Wouldn't you be, if you were me? I am numb. I am ok to be around my sister right now. I don't even cry anymore...numb. I will admit that today when her pregnant friend arrived, I had to leave, but other than that, I am doing ok, I think.

I am probably in for a big shock when this really starts to sink in. Changes are coming. My relationship with my sister is going to change. Right now, things are so new and I am not really processing what is going on around me. I am just surviving day to day as best I can. I am not happy.

Focusing on things that are because of the baby, but not for the baby help me. I have been cooking up a storm for my sister. It is something I can do, that shows I care, but I don't need to be there. I wish I was able to do more. I would love to be very hands on, but I just can't right now. Maybe in time, but not now. She understands. It's just really sad. I'm just really sad.

I hope in time things will get easier.

-R.

She's Here

I'm an aunt! My niece, was born today at 7:25am. She is small and precious and healthy. Thank you all for your support, it really helped knowing I am not alone. You were right, it hurts like hell and I am an emotional mess, but she is perfect and I am already in love. It was really difficult seeing the joy and pain in my parents eyes. I tried to keep it together as best I could, but at times it was just too much.

I won't lie, last night was difficult. I went from zero to sixty instantly and couldn't get back to my happy-zen place. But, I was there for my sister the entire time. We texted the entire way to the hospital (I distracted her from the pain with my humour) and I checked my phone a thousand times throughout the night looking for updates. At 5:30 this morning, we got the call that she was ready to start pushing and off I went.

I had planned to go alone so that I could prepare myself, but that too was not to be. My sister's SIL is my next door neighbour, friend and fellow IFer (who found success after multiple IVFs two years ago) and I drove together. As much as she claimed to understand, she can't. No one can.

I kept biting my tongue...hard to stop the tears from flowing (who are we kidding, rushing) down my face. Seeing the pure joy on everyone's face was difficult and yet amazing at the same time. I will say that at times, I felt pitied. People looked at me with those eyes. Those sad eyes. I look at myself with them.

Visiting hours only start in the late afternoon so after a quick peak and a mazel tov, we left the hospital. I have the next five hours to wrap my head around this. I think I can do it. This is by far the hardest part so far.

-R.

This Is It

It's happening. Her water broke. Please give me the strength to get through this. Please let my sister and her baby be ok. Please let me be ok.

-R.

Losing It - UPDATE

Last night was incredibly difficult for me. It was probably our last family dinner without babies. My brother and his girlfriend are going away for two weeks so we went out to celebrate. My family (and sister included) is usually very sensitive, however last night destroyed me. The amount talk about pregnancy, delivery and aftermath was too overwhelming for me. I did the only things I knew how, I avoided the conversation and made some snappy remarks about useless shit to my sister. I don't think she was too happy with me last night, but I am not too happy with her either (I am still no where near ok with any of this).

I have been a basket case of emotions. Last night I cried so long and hard in the shower that I needed to take something to allow me to sleep. Shit. I am not strong. I am not coping. I am not ok.

I have been on pins and needles all day about the GC appointment. NN has been giving me small updates, but I don't expect to hear details until much later. So far, things are going well. NN had not received the letter from the MFM dr as of yet so I went to his office to go all postal. Well, the administrative assistant didn't show up for work today so of course the letter could not be faxed. I am ready to lose my mind. WTF is this shit happening? I just can't take anymore. Does he not realize how incredibly difficult it was for me to walk into an OB office? Seeing the pregnant women and their doting husbands while I am...not. I managed to keep it together long enough to see the actual dr myself, however he was unable (or unwilling) to look for the letter and fax it off. As long as she is there on Monday, it will get done.

Something has got to give. I really hope today's appointment goes well and it is the beginning of something positive. I honestly can't take anymore disappointment. It is too much for one person.

-R.

UPDATE: I just heard from NN. Everything looked good with the GC today. It will be two weeks until the blood work and personality tests come back, but that shouldn't be a problem. Since she just delivered in July, we can't start FET prep until after 6 months, so we are looking at a mid-Feb transfer. Ok, I can live with that.

GC and her DH are on their way over right now. They are spending the night here and I will take them to the airport in the morning. I am freaking out. I have all my eggs in this basket (excuse the pun) and it has to go well.

-R.

Panic Attacks

Every time the phone rings or my BB indicates an email I find myself nauesous that it is my sister. The baby is coming. Her due date is approaching (Jan 1) and it could literally come anytime now.

In theory I am so over the moon excited for her to be a mom, my parents to be first time grandparents and for A and I to be aunt and uncle. In reality I am petrified. What if I can't stand to be around the new baby as it is just too painful? What if I am the worst aunt and sister ever? What if my own jealousy and anger rips my closest relationship apart (me and my sister)?

When I think about the massive mountain left to climb still, I feel overwhelmed. At times, it is hard to breathe.

-R.

Hello, I'm R.

Yesterday A. and I drove 1.5 hours and met the GC and her family. Until now, all our communication has been between her and I and mostly via text and email (although we have had the occasional phone call). I was a mixed bag of emotions - to be expected I guess, but in the car on the way over it really hit me, why we were going.

A. and I were joking on the drive over that it didn't matter, she was just our oven, 'Kitchen Aid' is what we jokingly referred to her as, but we were so wrong. She was so much more than we could have hoped. Her and her family were so warm and inviting, it really made thankful that we found someone so relatable. She and I are around the same age and so were A. and her DH, so already it was easy. (She told me that her last IPs were in their 50s - so she was happy with us too.) Her children were also adorable. At first, I thought that I had no interest in meeting her family as this is a business relationship, but again I was wrong. I realized that assuming she passes the ODWU on Friday and I know this a huge assumption, that we will be in each other's lives for the next year if not longer.

Wow. There are so many emotions floating around inside me right now, but for today I am thankful for her and hopeful that she passes the tests on Friday. Please please please let Friday be ok.

-R.

The First of Many Steps

Big sigh of relief. The GC had her appointment with the MFM dr today. I was literally on bated breath all day waiting for her to call with the recommendation.

He approved her! He said that since didn't develop the preeclampsia symptoms until the very end of her pregnancy she is a low risk for a reoccurance. He gave her a 7% chance of this happening again, which (no dr...yet) think is low.

We are both comfortable moving forward as is NN. This is the first piece of good news I have had in a long time. I am going to ride this wave for the next week.

Next step - ODWU on the 17th!

Fyi- I wrote my letter in class that night. I wrote that I hope I am closer to motherhood. Not too much on the subject as I still don't want to be the one devastates myself next year.

-R.

A Letter.

Tonight was the final class for my course. The facilitator had us write a letter to ourselves that she will mail to us in January 2012. I didn't know what to write. Should I write that I hope to finally be a mom? Um no, because if the letter arrives and I am still no closer to motherhood I will fall apart. I just stared at the paper and watched as the other class members began writing away as if they had no cares in the world. Oh, how I wish I had no cares.

What would you write to yourself today, that you will read in a year?

-R.

Our party was a great success. Thirty people were crammed into our house and feasted on bagels with tuna, egg and cream cheese, lasagna, bean salad, tomato bocchinni salad, sweet potato and zucchini latkes and regular latkes too. It was quite the meal. Everyone is so appreciated and fun was had by all.



A. and I have been hosting this party for five years now. Each year we get better at it, we know how much food to make, how long we will need to get things organized and how much money it will cost. We got this. We look forward to this party all year long. I wasn't so into it this year. For one, I was anticipating my sister's water breaking in my kitchen and the entire party would focus around her labour. Thank goodness that didn't happen. I had also dreamed about being very pregnant at the party this year. I would be in my third trimester by now, getting ready to be a mom, but instead I am stuck in this place and watching as literally everyone else I know either enjoys motherhood or is preparing to.

As of now, we still have no word from the MFM dr on when or if he will be able to see the GC. I have approached a second dr as a back-up and am hoping to hear something tomorrow.

When I first started this blog back in January, I posted every day. My goal was to post until my baby arrived. As the time passes and I am no closer to my dream than I was back then (actually I am farther) I find I don't mind letting time pass between posts. I am just really sad. My heart aches to be a mother and give A. children, and I think I am finally (a little late) realizing all that I have lost. I will never see my face in someone else's and I probably will never experience the feelings associated with bringing a life into this world. It hurts. A lot.

I find myself staring at my sister. The image of her replies in my head and I can't help but ask what she did to deserve this and I don't? At least when it was DE, I knew I would experience a pregnancy or if it was just GC, I would have my genes, but to have neither is just cruel. I just need this nightmare to end. People tell me (all the fucking time) that once I hold my baby in my arms, the pain of this struggle will disappear. I find that hard to believe, but I am so ready for it be less. I can't take the pain anymore.

-R.

The Look

Tonight A. and I went to an engagement party. We met a lady that grew up with A.'s dad. She asked us if we had kids, we replied no. She then asked us how long we were married, we said 6 six. Then she gave us the look.

0R.

Deep Breaths

The countdown has started. December has just begun, but already I feel myself wishing the days away. The update on the GC is that she passed the initial phone screening (yay) and is going to Denver for the ODWU on Dec. 17th. We are still waiting for the appointment with the MFM dr, however I think we are making some headway in that area. Dec. 17th is also that last day of class before winter break and that is going to be a much needed break as I am exhausted from all the stress in my life.

We have also started the countdown to the new arrival, my sister's baby. I haven't talked about it much lately because my life is filled with other time consuming drama, but it is still unbearably difficult for me. I love my sister and I am excited to be an aunt, but...

My brother and I decided that we were going to buy her a diaper bag for her present. Since I am the shopper of the family it was my job to pick it out. I literally took some deep breaths and entered a baby store. I kept my eye on the prize and didn't get too overwhelmed. I picked this bag.

I was actually quite proud of myself for keeping myself together. It was only after when I went to the greeting card store that I started getting upset and needed to leave - before purchasing anything.



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I have to say a huge thank you to Pumpkin for giving me this award. She recently discovered that she is a carrier of familial dysautonomia, a genetic disease that is common in Ahskenazi Jews and she is understandable shaken by the news so please go over and send her some love.

So many of your blogs are amazing and to single out just 5 is difficult, so please consider yourselves all nominated!

-R.

Happy Hanukkah

Tonight we light the first candle in honour of Hanukkah. It is always a special time of year me that is not tainted by IF (unlike what I am sure Christmas is to many of you). We do not do presents or even have big celebrations, except for one rockin' family party hosted by us. A. and I through a mean party and we do go all out, so this should be fun. At least I am excited for that, I guess its something.

To all that celebrate, I wish you a Chag Sameach filled with lots of grease and carbs.
-R.