Every time the phone rings or my BB indicates an email I find myself nauesous that it is my sister. The baby is coming. Her due date is approaching (Jan 1) and it could literally come anytime now.
In theory I am so over the moon excited for her to be a mom, my parents to be first time grandparents and for A and I to be aunt and uncle. In reality I am petrified. What if I can't stand to be around the new baby as it is just too painful? What if I am the worst aunt and sister ever? What if my own jealousy and anger rips my closest relationship apart (me and my sister)?
When I think about the massive mountain left to climb still, I feel overwhelmed. At times, it is hard to breathe.
-R.
I totally understand these feelings. I feel the same way about my SIL--especially if our FET fails next month. I'm sorry it's causing you so much grief.
ReplyDeleteI had that too with my SIL. But we are not really all that close so it can't compare. Hugs
ReplyDeleteOh R, I'm so sorry you are going through this. You won't be the worst aunt, you will do what feels right for you, what you can handle, and the baby will love you.
ReplyDeleteIt's hard. ((((((HUGS))))))
I am an aunt to so many nieces and nephews and their parents except for my brother and his wife are all way younger than us. It gets easier when they get older. Be honest with your sister and do what you can to do what is best for you. Hugs,
ReplyDeleteT
I am an aunt to an 18 month old and my love for him overwhelms any other feelings I thought I might have. I wish the same for you. There have been moments when I've felt sad that I wasn't getting to experience what my brother and SIL had, but at the end of the day the love for my nephew always won :)
ReplyDeleteI don't feel as positive about other people's babies, but somehow because this is family it's different. I'm sure you'll be a great aunt!
I agree...be as honest as you can. You can't help how you feel. That honesty, as painful as it may be, will keep your close relationship.
ReplyDeletePerhaps reach out to her before you get "the" phone call?
I have personal experience on this one. After my sister's second child was born I went to the hospital and it was hard, terribly hard. I remember one of my nieces asking me what I would name a little boy if I had one ~ I couldn't even answer her because of the giant lump in my throat. I cried all the way home. Then her third child was born right after my IUI #4 had failed. I went to the hospital when he was born but couldn't bring myself to go to her house and see the baby again until he was a month old. Then I held him in my arms and cried tears for all of my treatment failures. My sister understood and yours will too. They have no idea the pain that lives in our hearts but they do love us and want us to be mothers as badly as we ourselves long to be mothers. Hopefully you will have joyous news about your GC before her day comes and instead of sad tears you can shed tears of what will soon be yours.
ReplyDeleteI'll be thinking of you.
I just want to let you know you will be ok. After I had been trying for 10 months my younger sister fell again - straight away and then my SIL fell as well and they were due within five days of each other. It was a stressful time and I was scared of feeling the same emotions but when little N was born and little S (especially little N) I was filled with so much love. It wont ease your pain at all you will still hurt but you will also feel deep joy cause a little part of them is you too. good luck for the due date and fingers crossed you will be next.
ReplyDeleteI can't even imagine how hard it must be to watch your sister be pregnant as you are going through all this. And now, to watch her become a mom. It will certainly be trying for you. Although, like you said, you have a close relationship with her and I have to believe that your bond will prevail over IF's nasty and divisive ways. It will be hard, but I really think you'll be able to work through that. You are a very strong woman, R.
ReplyDeleteI can honestly say that I know exactly what you are going through...my sister and hubby's sister were preggo at the same time last year. Both with the first grandchildren. I avoided both of them as much as I could so that I would not break down in front of them during their pregnancies. To make a long story short, as soon as I laid eyes on my sister's baby I fell in love as if she were my own. It was the weirdest feeling...I can't even begin to describe. The same thing happened when my other niece was born. Now, a year later, my nieces mean the world to me. I thought that I would hold a grudge because they became moms so easily, but it wasn't like that at all. Sometimes I have jealousy...like when we just had to go to their 1 year bday parties. It made me sad that I couldn't have a child to experience that with too...but overall there has been no resentment. I love them and my sisters to death! I'm not saying that this is the way it will be with you and your sister...but I just wanted to let you know my experience. I was also going through IVF #2 when they both had their babies so that made it extra hard.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I think the whole experience helped my sister to understand what I was going through. My mom told me that she cried a lot after she had my niece because she now understood why motherhood was so special. She is a lot more sensitive and empathetic to my struggles now and we are closer than ever.
I really hope this is the way things will work out with you and your sister. I will be thinking about you and am here if you ever need to talk!
I know how you feel too - it is extremely hard. But you definitely won't be a bad aunt. It's true that your heart will melt when you see that child, even if does bring out a stream of heavy tears. It will be a bittersweet time, but you will get used to it and will be a wonderful aunt. And then it will be your turn.
ReplyDeleteI am consumed with jealousy when it comes to things llke this. I understand your fear.
ReplyDeleteYou have a giant heart. I think I imagine it being seized with love and you will be perfect. You are a loving person and that cannot change, despite how great your pain is. Don't add to your worry. It will still hurt but noone will be wiser to it.