Monday, December 6, 2010

Our party was a great success. Thirty people were crammed into our house and feasted on bagels with tuna, egg and cream cheese, lasagna, bean salad, tomato bocchinni salad, sweet potato and zucchini latkes and regular latkes too. It was quite the meal. Everyone is so appreciated and fun was had by all.

A. and I have been hosting this party for five years now. Each year we get better at it, we know how much food to make, how long we will need to get things organized and how much money it will cost. We got this. We look forward to this party all year long. I wasn't so into it this year. For one, I was anticipating my sister's water breaking in my kitchen and the entire party would focus around her labour. Thank goodness that didn't happen. I had also dreamed about being very pregnant at the party this year. I would be in my third trimester by now, getting ready to be a mom, but instead I am stuck in this place and watching as literally everyone else I know either enjoys motherhood or is preparing to.

As of now, we still have no word from the MFM dr on when or if he will be able to see the GC. I have approached a second dr as a back-up and am hoping to hear something tomorrow.

When I first started this blog back in January, I posted every day. My goal was to post until my baby arrived. As the time passes and I am no closer to my dream than I was back then (actually I am farther) I find I don't mind letting time pass between posts. I am just really sad. My heart aches to be a mother and give A. children, and I think I am finally (a little late) realizing all that I have lost. I will never see my face in someone else's and I probably will never experience the feelings associated with bringing a life into this world. It hurts. A lot.

I find myself staring at my sister. The image of her replies in my head and I can't help but ask what she did to deserve this and I don't? At least when it was DE, I knew I would experience a pregnancy or if it was just GC, I would have my genes, but to have neither is just cruel. I just need this nightmare to end. People tell me (all the fucking time) that once I hold my baby in my arms, the pain of this struggle will disappear. I find that hard to believe, but I am so ready for it be less. I can't take the pain anymore.



  1. Delicious looking food! Yum!
    And isn't it amazing that every day brings so many reminders of our broken dreams. It feels so relentless sometimes. It sure sounded like that for you when you wrote this post.
    I, too, hope it gets less intense for you soon.

  2. Wow what a feast. I am surprised that no one else contributes to make life easier.

    I think about you a lot. I know you have been through hell as have most of us. No one can ever tell you how you will feel. We can only offer you support and it sucks that things aren't moving faster.

    By the way, there was a Hanukkah party and I didn't go because I just didn't feel like driving all that way when there would be nothing I could eat as people were bringing their own dishes. I do miss not having family around during the holidays.


  3. R I appreciate your honesty in this post. I fear I may have hinted at that very fact. I am stunned by my own callousness. You are right to call us out onto the mat and I thank you for doing so.

    I remain by your side, if you will have me.

  4. I'm sorry you are struggling so much R. I can only imagine how hard it must be to give up on both your genetic connection and the ability to carry your child. It is hard enough for me to give up the genetic connection. I don't think you will ever get over the pain completely, but I am sure that it will be more bearable over time.
    And congrats on a beautiful spread!

  5. Wow! I didn't expect that ending. Very poignant.

  6. People tell us the same thing, that in the end it won't matter, but I'm still sad about not ever being pregnant and not having any of myself passed on. I feel for you.

    Lovely party, but sorry you weren't able to fully enjoy it :(

  7. The food all looks amazing!

    I'm so sorry for all you've been through, R. I'm truly amazed at your strength & perseverance.

    Hugs, honey.


  8. The party looks amazing!

    So sorry for what you're going through. I think I understand you feel about your sister. I'm so thankful right now that mine doesn't live nearby. I hope you find your happy ending soon.

  9. R...I think of you several times a day wondering why this road has been so hard for you. I wish I knew what else to say. I feel like I've been a terrible friend as you have given me so much. Like survivor's guilt I guess. I know you have the proper supports in place and I know you ARE going to get through this. But please know that I deeply care for you and A.

    The party sounds awesome! I so wish we could be closer so that I could experience the culture as I am fascinated by the Jewish customs.

  10. what a lovely meal and I am impressed by your hostessing skills.
    I can only imagine how bitter sweet this all is to you. You are right to be aware of all that you have lost. It is real loss and you deserve validation (that once your baby is in your arms crap has never been comforting to me). I often look at pregnancies and think why are they so lucky, what about me. The unfairness of it all is just too much sometimes.
    I am thinking of you and sending lots of love your way....

  11. I'm sorry you have this struggle, this long path to get what you deserve. To try to find the "why" is so frustrating. I wish I could offer you more.

    That food spread, btw, looks amazing! I'd go for some of those leftovers right about now.

  12. What an amazing array and presentation of food!

    Every time you mention your sister's pregnancy, my heart goes out to you. I think it's difficult being around my now-very-pg SIL, but that's nothing compared with contending with a very visibly pregnant blood relative. Ugh, I'm so sorry.