Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Keeping to Myself

I haven't felt the urge to blog lately. There really is nothing going on right now that is worthy of the words - so I'm pretty quiet. I am still obsessively reading your blogs and checking IVFC, but I am not in such a commenting/posting place.

I'm still in the fog, but am no longer crying. It is hard to admit, but I feel like I am just going through the motions. I have spent a lot of time with my sister and niece and still nothing. She continues to be super sweet, but I don't really feel anything yet. I hope that is ok. Maybe that's why I'm ok to be around her so much? It honestly doesn't bother me the way I feared it would. It is like it has no affect on me whatsoever. Which probably is not a good thing.

***

I have been working on my final project for my course for the past week and it is like pulling teeth for me. I have lost the motivation. I am procrastinating as best I can by watching crap loads of HBO Canada. I have discovered two series in the past week that have some sort of IF storyline. Both shows are fantastic with or without the IF element.

1. Bloodletting an Miraculous Cures - this is a Canadian HBO series that takes place in a hospital and focuses around the lives of three doctors. Now try to stay with me as it is a bit confusing. Doctor A and doctor B dated. Doctor A broke up with doctor B and married Doctor C. Doctor A and C can't have children due to a blood problem (not sure I understand this IF problem) so they are asking doctor B to be their sperm donor. I will say that we learn all of this with the first episode, but the series is not about infertility. It is more about the relationships of these three doctors. It is really well done and only eight episodes so it's worth a watch.

2. Boardwalk Empire - this series takes place mainly in Atlantic City during the prohibition time. It has everything from mobsters, drinking, sex (lots and lots of sex), killing and infertility. I admit, I was quite surprised by this storyline, even though it was quite brief. What I enjoyed about it was the honesty that out poured from the female character. It happens towards the end of the first season, but it really is a surprise and well done.

***

In other news, today is CD48. Yup, you read that correctly. I am contemplating POAS to make AF arrive, but don't want to waste my money LOL. No, I don't think I am actually pregnant. That ship has sailed. The only reason I know what cycle day it is because I looked it up on my blog. Seriously, I have no clue when or if AF is expected and aside from the fact that I am majorly bitching out - I'm ok if I never see her again.

I have been drinking caffeine and wine like its going out of style. I stopped my pre-natal vitamins two months ago and I haven't seen my acupuncturist in ages. If I was pregnant (which again, I am not so please no miracle thinking) I would have some serious doubts in the medical profession.

My plan is to give it a few more days and if still nothing, kill myself. Ok, not really. I will probably put a call into NN to see if this is normal or not.

Thanks for continuing to follow although with sad story of mine, I wouldn't blame you if you traded me in for a more optimistic read!

-R.

13 comments:

  1. Thinking of you. I think your emotions regarding your sister's child are normal, although maybe not stereotypical. Maybe as a way to protect yourself, you're not letting in any emotions. You've been through so much, I just hope the next step in this long journey makes all of this crap worth it.

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  2. R, try not to judge your reactions or unreactions to your niece. Even if you feel like you're "phoning it in" right now, your physical presence is, no doubt, extremely meaningful to your sister. So until it gets hard for you, why not be there? And when it gets hard, you can reevaluate. And CD48?? Wow. That's all. Sending hugs and gratitude for your support.

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  3. I think you just have to cut yourself some major slack here...who in the world could anticipate the feelings that would or wouldn't come with this situation after all you've been through? Hang in there hon, we're not going anywhere.

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  4. Stop reading your blog? PFFT! no WAY! You have very real emotions and there isn't anything wrong with how you feel (or rather how you think it's a lack of feeling). Hugs and here's to a better tomorrow!

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  5. R, A and I LOVE Boardwalk Empire!! Can't wait for the new season to start. Hoping AF comes soon. No doubt things are super messed up. When you think about it you have been on some kind of hormonal medication for FET prep and/or IVF stims for like two years, no? Hoping things straighten out soon. Can't wait until February for you...

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  6. I would never trade you. Life is full of lots of crap and I would trade the person who is all full of joy and no sadness in life as that is in no way possible. Thanks for being a good friend.

    T

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  7. Thinking of you. Be gentle with yourself.

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  8. I'm sticking with you R, so no leaving your blog for me. I can't believe how much has been going on in the past 2 weeks that I have been away from all my blogs. I am glad that you are hanging in there, and managing your new niece as best you can. I think you've got lots to keep you busy for the next few months as you wait for things to come about with your GC.

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  9. Hang in there R-you are in a tough place. Honor yourself and your body - and if that means 2 lattes a day so be it.

    RJ

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  10. Hello nutter. You kill someone, not yourself. How about that neighbor that always complains about your dogs barking? Or how about that person that cut you off in traffic?

    Whoops.

    Just the Lupron talking.

    I am not going anywhere.

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  11. I have been consuming caffeinated drinks and bottles like its going out of design. I ceased my pre-natal natural vitamins two several weeks ago and I haven't seen my acupuncturist in age groups. If I was expecting runescape gold

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